Enjoy!
"Pass the yam, dear?"
Derek smiles and hands the dish over to his mother beside him.
"Great dinner, Mom. I mean, it's not turkey, but it's still delicious as usual," his sister compliments.
"Mm," Derek agrees as he cuts into his dish.
"Well, I have to admit it's been awhile since I made ham for Thanksgiving."
"A while? I'd say about twenty-five years." Liz says.
"Well, now you've made me feel old."
"Mom–"
"That's all right. Meredith, what did your family do for Thanksgiving?"
Derek glances over at his wife, who's cutting up ham into tiny bites for Zola. "What? Oh. I… We… didn't really…" she trails off with a shrug.
"Your family didn't celebrate Thanksgiving?" asks Liz.
"It was just me and my mom, and she was a surgeon," Meredith shrugs again, as if it's no big deal. In a way, it isn't, Derek knows. Meredith always preferred to work and never made a big deal about the holidays until they had Zola, and even then, she needed cajoling. But today he knows this might be different. He sits up, bristling to defend his wife should she need it.
"So, what? Your mom worked while you–"
"Hung out at home and watched TV all day? Pretty much."
"No turkey? No relatives visiting? No apple pie?"
"No," she laughs, surprising them. "My mother thought holidays were frivolous and filled with inane sentiment. She'd much rather be in an OR."
"Oh. Well, that sucks. I'm sorry."
"As am I," his mother chimes in, "that must've been quite lonely for you."
"Uh…" Meredith clears her throat. "No, it was fine. I was… it was okay." She nods. "Zola, how about some carrots?"
Derek takes the cue to steer the conversation away from her. "How's the weather in Connecticut, Ma?" he asks. And so it goes. The conversation flows from the weather and airports to Seattle rain and the traffic.
"Liz, I hear you're expanding your paediatric practice?" Derek asks.
"Yeah, well, sort of. One of Nancy's fellows is doing a study on teen pregnancy. So, I refer my clients and also do follow-up checks."
"Oh," Derek breathes. This is unexpected. He shoots a glance at Meredith, but she seems unfazed by it. "That's… that's great."
Liz shrugs. "It's kind of rewarding, actually. These kids come in scared, but we get to present them with all the information they need to make the right decisions for themselves."
"Yeah, of course."
"Pregnancy can be scary, especially when you're young."
"It doesn't have to be. If the family is there to support them," adds his mother as she stares directly at Liz.
"Well," Liz stares back. "Sometimes, what the family wants is not what is best for the patient."
Derek frowns, there's bitterness in Liz's voice and a coldness in his mother's eye that he hasn't seen in ages. What's going on? He shoots an eyebrow-raised look at his sister, but she waves it off and scoffs.
Like true Shepherds, they avoid the issue. Liz scoops up some creamed corn and half a slice of ham. "Meredith, how old is Zola, exactly?" Liz asks.
"I two!" Zola holds up two fingers.
Meredith laughs, a delightful sound to Derek's ears. "Two and a half," she says with a grin.
"Really? And potty training already? That's great."
Meredith helps Zola scoop up some yam. "Well, she's pretty smart."
"She must get it from her mama, Derek didn't start until he was three and a half."
"Liz–" Derek interrupts, obviously embarrassed.
"Well, it's true–"
"It's perfectly all right to start a little late on potty training," his mother interjects. "Sometimes you have to wait until the timing is right. Derek started late, but he learned very quickly. I was still nursing Nancy and getting Kathleen ready for kindergarten. I knew Derek was ready when he started tearing off his dirty diapers and bringing them to me."
His cheeks flush, "Ma, can we not talk about this?"
"Oh, come on. We're all parents now, discussing child rearing is fair game." Liz returns.
"That wasn't about child rearing, that was about embarrassing me."
"Embarrassing you? Please," Liz scoffs.
"Lizzie–"
"No Derek. Why does everything have to be about you? That's why I'm here, right? Save the golden boy? And you couldn't even call and ask me or your other sisters yourself!"
"Elizabeth!" his mother rails. "That is out of line! And as I recall, you're the one who chose to come!"
"Of course I did, Mom. He's my brother. I'd do anything for him, as he'd do for me, right?" She sets her eyes on him in a cold glare.
Meredith shoots him a look. "Derek, what–?"
Derek clenches his jaw and looks down at his injured hand. Liz is still hung up on that? It happened years and years ago. "We're not talking about this now," he says. He shifts to turn his attention to Zola instead.
"Of course not. We've never talked about it. We never talk about anything. You just think you're right and move on."
Ouch, that stings. For god sakes, he was trying to help her. "That's not fair. I was protecting you." Yet here she is, bringing it all up again, acting like he damaged her somehow. Well he didn't. In his heart of hearts, he knows he did the right thing.
"Whoa, wait. Hold on. What's this about?" Meredith asks.
"Nothing," he says, but continues anyway, "Some old college boyfriend. The guy was a scumbag and I made him break it off. I was trying to protect her, and she says I ruined her life. She's always hated me for it."
"Because you did. You have no idea, Derek. No idea." Liz states defiantly.
"So, now you're making it about you?"
"Stop it you two!" Carolyn pounds the table with a fist. "Stop your bickering. The past is in the past. All we have is now. Don't you think we've all been through enough?"
Silence reigns. Derek can feel everyone's gaze on him like spotlights of an interrogation. He picks at his food, refusing to look up. He didn't do anything wrong. Why do they make him feel like he did?
"Excuse me," Liz stands up. Her chair squeaks and cutlery rattles as she bumps the table. "I need some air."
"Meredith, I left apple pie warming in the oven, would you be a dear and bring it over?"
"Oh, sure."
Now it's just Derek and his mother.
"Owange," Zola points to the mashed yams.
And Zola.
"That's right, Zola," Derek says, but with minimum enthusiasm.
He looks at his mother. "You know I was just trying to protect her, right? Jason was bad news. I'm sorry I 'ruined' her life, but I know I did the right thing."
"You don't know the whole story, Derek. What you did made some things much more difficult for her."
"You were a part of that too. She says you hate her." He doesn't know what happened between them, but something did happen to create tension between mother and daughter for so long.
She shakes her head, "I don't hate her. I hate what she did."
"What did she do?"
"You'll have to talk to her."
Derek sighs. That's the last thing he wants to do. Whatever Liz did was somehow a result of his actions… Which means maybe he did 'ruin' her life, maybe it is his fault.
"Okay, here's the pie," Meredith says, bringing in plates and forks along with the golden crusted pie.
"Mmm, wonderful." Carolyn says.
Meredith cuts the pie evenly and plates them each a slice. "Apple pie, Zozo?" she asks, offering her daughter a little bite.
Zola stares at it solemnly for a moment. "Apple?"
"That's right! Apple pie. It's yummy." Meredith takes a bite. "Mmm," she licks her lips. "Try some, Zo?"
Derek digs a bite out for himself, but drops the fork before it reaches his mouth. He's lost his appetite.
"Are you okay, Derek?" Meredith asks with a mouthful of pie.
"No."
"Talk to her."
Talk? Why? So she can guilt-trip him? So she can get defensive and leave, taking her nerves with her? "She'll cool down and come back in," he says. "We'll be fine." He looks at his mother, who shakes her head but says nothing. Derek stabs the pie again, wrestling a thick, gooey, apple slice out of the center and bites into it. It's a near-perfect balance of apple and cinnamon, bright and fresh, but not overwhelmingly sweet. Yet he can't enjoy it.
"Derek," Meredith leans in close as he stares off into nothing, lost in thought. "She's your sister. And she's still alive. Talk to her."
This earns an eyebrow raise from his mother. He scoffs.
"Der–"
"Fine," he grumbles. It won't do any good, he thinks. But it's two against one. Three, if you count Zola, the way she's pursing her lips at him.
"Bring her some pie," his mother slides him an extra piece. "Peace offering."
xxx
He finds Lizzie out on the deck in a patio chair, her jacket wrapped tightly around her. The air is cold and moist, hinting at overnight rain. In the distance, the city lights blink and move while the clouds slowly build around them.
"Relax, I won't run away and leave you without my nerves." Liz says, not looking at him.
"Ha." Wind breezes through his shirt, he fights a shiver and walks in front of her, offering a plate. "Pie?"
"Mom made you bring it, didn't she?"
Derek shrugs and pulls up a chair to sit beside her. He doesn't want to eat, but he forks up a bite anyway and forces it down.
Liz too, takes a bite. "Not as good as homemade, but good." Liz says. "It's warm."
"Yeah." Derek nods, peering beyond the deck at the view of the bay. It's his favorite view. From here on a clear night, he can see the bay and parts of downtown Seattle. And on good days, if he looks carefully, he can see the ferryboats crossing. He wishes he had that vision for his family, but it appears he's about as blind as a bat when it comes to them.
Liz takes another bite of pie, "I get why you chose this land. It's nice out here. Quiet."
"Mmm." The quiet is always a factor.
"That was your goal out of college, wasn't it? Get as far away from your natty sisters as possible," she smiles. "Until you became Mr. Hotshot."
Derek winces at her dig, he's tried hard not to become that person again. That person he was when his marriage to Addison was falling apart. "Liz…"
"Sorry." She takes another bite of pie.
He stares at his own pie. It's delicious, but his stomach aches. Nerves, maybe? He has to talk this out with Liz. Resolve it, somehow. "No, you're right. I was ignorant, then. Absent. I should've… I don't know– Just talked to you first."
"I know you were just trying to protect me, Derek, but–"
"But what? What happened, Liz? I know there's something you're not telling me."
"You really want to know?" she puts her fork down. "Cause if I tell you, you are gonna feel guilty as hell, and I don't want you to."
"Why would I feel guilty?"
"Jason and I really loved each other. We had all these plans. Once we graduated, I was gonna go to med school, and he was going to finish his masters and be a city engineer. He would propose, you know. We'd get a little apartment in Hartford and save up to buy a house… And then you–"
"I interfered."
"You saw him at a bar during Christmas break, and went all Robocop on him."
"He was with another woman!"
"Yeah! And you freaking decked him! Told him that he wasn't good enough for me, that the family would never accept him, and he should just 'go back where he came from!'"
Derek doesn't understand. The punishment fits the crime, right? "Yeah, so?"
"I was pregnant!"
A sledgehammer hits him in the gut. "What?" Derek croaks.
"Yeah."
He blinks, and blinks again, staring out at the sky. He thinks he can see a few stars, but the clouds are moving in, or it's just his eyes blurring. "You were pregnant…" he says slowly, doing the math in his head. She was pregnant, but then–
"I had an abortion."
"Oh… right." Made sense. Nancy was the first one to have a baby in the family, so… "Is that why Mom hates you?"
I don't hate her, I hate what she did.
"Something like that. She wanted me to go after him… have a shotgun wedding, have the baby…"
"But?"
"The damage was done, Derek. It was already done. After you– after all that, I couldn't trust Jason. I wanted the baby. I wanted to be a mom. But not like that."
"Mom would've, we would've… It…" Derek stutters, trying to make sense of it all. They could've raised it. All of them would have helped, somehow.
"I know. I know, but it happened so fast. Jason left, Derek. He listened to you and left, and I never got the chance to–
"Liz…"
"I didn't want to be that pregnant college girl. I didn't want to fall behind, and I didn't want Mom to be the one to take care of it after she just raised the five of us. So…"
"I remember you moved out." He remembers because he and Mark had come over during spring break to move her stuff into a U-Haul. Mom hadn't been there at the time, but Lizzie had been quiet, and Liz is the one sibling who's never quiet.
"She kicked me out."
"Why didn't you tell me? I could've done something… talked to her, or…" He is the favorite, he has a lot of sway with his mother, especially when it comes to Liz and Amy. He could practically get them out of any trouble.
"And tell you about the abortion? I couldn't do that. I couldn't put that on you."
He can only nod. What can he say now? His mouth feels dry, his body suddenly drained of all energy. He did this. He didn't think. He just barged into that bar, and–
"Derek, it's not your fault." Liz says.
Intellectually, he knows that. Emotionally, as a brother, and now a father who just saw an eight-week sonogram of his child only a couple hours ago, he's devastated. "I… I'm sorry. I'm so sorry that you had to go through that. I didn't think, Lizzie. I didn't…" He rubs his face, wiping away nascent tears.
"Now you see what I mean when I accuse you of being self-centered." Liz manages a tiny smile, for his benefit.
He huffs. "Yeah. Yeah, I guess so."
She leans in and touches his arm. "God, don't beat yourself up. I did that already, a million times. It happened, and I've dealt with it. Why do you think I'm so obsessed with all the kids in this family? I'm just trying to make up for a life that didn't get a chance to have me as a mom. Besides, I never would've met Steve… and you know the rest."
The rest being Liliane and Anabel, and the twins.
A breeze picks up, making him shiver again. It's going to rain soon. Derek ignores the pie balanced on his knees and wraps his arms around his torso. Liz appears different to him now. Everything he knows about his sister has just shifted, yet it all makes perfect sense. "If you kept the baby, you still would've been a great mom," he says. "You're amazing."
"How's that again?" she smiles.
"You're amazing," he repeats.
"Okay, hang on, I should get my phone and record this."
A low chuckle erupts from his chest. "Shut up."
"At the very least, make sure you tell me that again in the presence of Nance and Kathy." Liz says as she stands.
"Not gonna happen."
"Oh, come on!" she jokes.
"See? Now you're making it all about you." Rain specks start to prickle his cotton t-shirt, but he remains seated, smirking up at her.
"Oh, God. C'mon, we should get inside before mom thinks I murdered you."
"You don't hate me anymore?"
"Only when you're being an ass."
"Of course."
xxx
Derek puts the remaining pie on the counter by the sink, where his mother is piling dishes.
"You cooked, ma," he says. "I can do the dishes."
"Nonsense–"
"Ma… I'm doing this. Liz and I are okay now."
"You talked?"
Derek sighs, "We did. I'm sorry. I get what you mean, now…" he shrugs, unable to articulate his thoughts much further at the moment.
You want to take care of everyone. But sometimes, when you do that, you miss the point.
Derek watches Meredith clean off Zola's little hands and face. He adores the way his wife's whole countenance changes in her daughter's presence. Zola has made Meredith into this whole new being that completely amazes him. Her smile is a million times brighter, and she laughs harder and much more often. "Why don't you go with Meredith and help her put Zo to bed, it's getting late," he tells his mother, kissing her on the forehead.
"Well, when you put it that way…" Carolyn grins as she puts down her dishrag and walks up to her granddaughter.
Derek turns to the dishes.
"You rinse, I load?" Liz offers.
He smiles. "Okay."
xxx
"Is everything okay between you and Meredith? Other than you being an ass and her losing her sister? Are things okay?" Liz asks as he scrapes off a plate and hands it to her.
"Why wouldn't they be?"
"I'm not trying to be mean, or interfere or anything, but she looks so tired, Derek. She looks ready to collapse."
He pauses, not sure what to say. Meredith's sleeping patterns have been scattered, at best. That, and her pregnancy, it's no wonder she fell asleep in the shower. "She still has nightmares."
"About the plane crash?"
Among other things. "Yeah. She's trying. We're both… I've been in my head a lot, with my hand and she's… holding us all together." He sighs as he hands Liz another plate.
"She's a great mom."
"Yeah."
"A great wife too."
"Yeah."
"You need to tell her that, Derek."
"Mm." He hands Liz the last plate, but doesn't let go when she grabs it. He wants to tell Liz. So bad, he wants to tell her that Meredith is pregnant and to expect another niece or nephew in a few months…
"Derek," Liz pulls on the plate.
"Sorry," he says, letting go. He surveys the kitchen, lifts the plug out of the sink and gives the area a final quick wipe. Liz plunks the soap tab into the dishwasher while he lifts the door closed. He sets the wash and stands there.
"What?"
"Uh, nothing, I should… I should get to bed. Goodnight."
xxx
"Hey," Derek enters the bedroom and gently closes the door behind him.
"Hi," Meredith says from her side of the bed. Seeing him, she dog ears a page of the book she's been reading and lets it drop in her lap.
"Anna Karenina again?"
She shrugs. "I'm hoping it will bore me to sleep," she says.
He grabs his old Columbia T-shirt and a fresh pair of boxers and changes. "Zola go down okay?"
"Yeah, fine. She has a new favorite person. Your mother."
"My mother is the favorite person of all my nieces and nephews," Derek chuckles as he sidles into bed beside her. "You survived," he says, kissing her temple.
She giggles. "I guess I did. So did you."
"Yeah," he sighs.
Meredith puts her book on the night stand. "Wanna talk about it?"
He settles onto his side, fluffing the pillow up to support his head. Meredith turns, mirroring his action so they're facing each other.
"I didn't think. I went into big-brother mode and my actions ended up hurting her for a long time," he says finally. "I apologized, she forgave me and told me not to do it again."
"That's it?"
"Pretty much."
"No crying? No dramatic storming off? No pointing fingers?"
Pursing his lips, he thinks. "Mmmm no, not really."
"Seriously?"
"Seriously. Well, okay. I… almost cried. Almost."
"Well then, your sisters are seriously overrated and I've been working myself up for nothing."
"Mm. Probably."
"Seriously?"
"What? It's me they hate, Meredith! They're more prone to like you because you keep me in line!"
"Oh really?"
"Really. Liz told me… She told me that I have to make sure you know something."
"What?" Meredith asks, raising an eyebrow.
"You're a great wife," he kisses her temple. "And a great mom," he kisses her again on her soft lips. He flicks off his bedside lamp and pulls her close to him. It's his favorite thing in the world, to have her in his arms at night.
"So are you."
"Oh yeah, I'm a great wife."
Her giggles make his heart stretch with love as he burrows into her back. "It's been a long day. You should get some sleep," he says.
…
…
"I can't."
He sighs and rubs her back. "I'm here, Meredith. You can talk to me,"
Meredith sighs and rolls onto her back. For a long time she stares up at the dark ceiling. Derek rolls onto his back too, but keeps his head turned in her direction. He reaches under the blankets for her hand and squeezes it.
"I… I can't turn it off," she says finally.
"Turn what off?"
"The memories. Of having my baby."
Derek pulls away from her for a moment, thinking… preparing. Then he pulls her even closer to him. "Tell me what happened, Meredith. Get it out of your head. Then you'll sleep. I promise."
"I-It was so hard, Derek, I was so scared."
A/N: Thanks so much for reading, guys! More soon! Getting to the hard stuff... Please leave a review!