Edward

I sit on the edge of my chair and gather my hands together. I take a deep breath and glance at Bella's vitals before bowing my head and closing my eyes. The last time I did this Bella was in a medically induced coma and I came the closest I ever have to losing her. I prayed that day, and I feel rather terrible that this is the first time I've done it since, but I need another miracle like before.

I plead for her life, for our daughter's, for this to go in any direction other than where it's heading. I promise I'll do anything and everything. I beg over and over for Him not to take my wife and little girl as I let the tears go for a brief moment. I wipe my cheeks and scrub my face, looking up to find her vitals once again.

Stable, but barely.

Bella's heading into respiratory failure. It's not if, but when. She'll be intubated and put on a vent, and very possibly never wake up. Our daughter will be delivered by cesarean and also possibly die. But I can't think like that, according to the love of my life. I have to be positive. She won't give up, so I can't give up on her. Medicine will do all it can, so she just needs to keep fighting.

I let myself rest back against the chair and sigh, glancing at my watch. It's just past five a.m. and it's been about twenty-four hours since I heard her soft voice. The mask makes it impossible to hear her and even if I could, she can barely speak. But I can hear her groan, and I instantly jolt out of my chair figure out what she needs.

"Love?"

She turns her head toward me as I caress her cheek. Slowly, her eyes blink open and nothing brings me more joy right now.

I smile and kiss her forehead. "Are you okay?"

She nods and touches my hand on the bed, laying her fingers over it. I quickly wrap her small hand in mine and kiss her once more. "I love you too, sweet girl. You're doing the same and still stable. She's as perfect as always."

I don't miss the crinkle of her eyes and little smile. I just wish she could talk to me, too. Moving down her body, I lay my hand over our daughter and lift her gown, kissing her smooth skin.

"How are you, little one?" I put my ear down, looking at Bella as I smile. "Ah, you're good. Still nice and cozy and you plan on staying that way. Good to know, sweetpea. She loves you, Mommy."

Bella runs her hand through my hair and this is as close to an intimate moment we've had here. I so wish I could take away her pain and suffering. I keep racking my brain, wondering if this started sooner than we realize, but I come up empty. The onset was so quick due to her compromised immune system and respiratory problems. The bacteria is aggressive, but we're treating her just as aggressively. She's just so incredibly ill, though.

I stay still, lightly resting my head on her stomach as her hand continues to run through my hair for minutes. Even when she has to drop her hand, I just take it and hold it to my lips.

Fuck, I can't lose her.

I love her more than my own life and I've always wanted nothing more than protect her. She's so strong, so brave, but she shouldn't have to be. She's been to the brink of death and back and fought more than her fair share of battles. She's so good and it's not right that her life's been filled with tragedies.

She's literally given the shirt off of her back to help another person and had been helping Mom with charity work as she went to school. The plan was for her to finish her degree in psychology — which her cancer diagnosis had put off — but with the baby, it's on hold once again. She wants to help other cancer patients, see them succeed, and support them if they don't. She could very easily sit on her ass never lift another finger, but she doesn't want that. She wants to give back, to help, because she's pure good. She's lost everything and everyone, but she's not bitter. She's happy and bubbly.

Eventually one of Bella's day nurses comes in to start her shift and I have to move away. Bella's asleep again and will probably stay that way for a while. She went from being restless to almost catatonic, and Heather doesn't bother her in the least while taking her vitals.

"Any problems, Dr. Cullen?" she asks.

I shake my head. "Vitals held stable through the night. I want to do another x-ray this morning, though. She seems to be in pain and I'm concerned. Would you arrange that? And let me know when her morning labs are back?"

She smiles brightly, nodding. "Of course. Black coffee and a blueberry muffin, right?"

"Who told you?" I ask, slightly amused. My order is memorized by many of the hospital staff and I've wound up with a few too many cups of coffee and muffins since we've been here.

"Megan. She likes to mess with me, though, so I wanted to double check."

I laugh softly. "That's it. Thank you, Heather."

I hand her a twenty and she refuses, but I tell her to get coffee for the other nurses as well and she reluctantly accepts before leaving the room. I take the last few moments before her doctor's start rounding and examine her myself. Her lungs sound as terrible as her x-rays show. Honestly, she's never had such a serious case of pneumonia before and the pregnancy only complicates it. I know what Dr. Harkins is going to suggest today and I'm dreading it, hoping Dad gets here first. He doesn't do anything the other doctors in this hospital can't, but he knows medicine better than any physician I've ever met. He's brilliant and I want his input before anything is done to my wife and daughter

. . . . .

I take a shower in the lounge, but manage it in record time and I'm back at Bella's side within five minutes. Nothing's changed and I thank Heather for sitting with her. The timing is good because my parents and Alice arrive soon after. We talk softly, trying not to disturb her.

"No change is kind of good, isn't it?" Alice asks.

"If she were responding to the antibiotic we'd know it by now," I say. "Her vitals are stable but her lungs sound worse."

Mom grips Dad's hand, looking up at him. "What now?"

"We're going to try a different treatment, a stronger one. This may get worse before it gets better. You both need to be prepared for that. We're doing everything we can for her, so I just need you to trust me."

"Of course, dear," Mom says, wiping at her tears.

Alice plays with Bella's hair, unabashedly crying. "You can't die, Bella," she sniffles. "Your little girl needs you. We all need you. You have to be able to do more, Daddy."

"I wish so badly I could, sweetheart," he says before resting his elbows on his knees and scrubbing his face. He looks exhausted, concerned, and showing some of his sixty-some years for once. "I swear that I won't give—"

Bella's monitors blare, interrupting him and sending both of us out of our seats. She's barely breathing and his hand slams into the code button above her. Almost on autopilot, I pull the bed away from the wall with him before he listens to her chest.

Suddenly the room fills, Mom and Alice are pushed out, and I'm watching as my father runs a code on my wife. I'm frozen, somehow pushed against the window and barely able to see.

"Dad, what's happening?" I demand over the voices filling the room.

He looks up at me briefly and he looks worried. "She need to be intubated, son. If you need to leave—"

I shake my head. "No. Please, save her."

He nods before diving back into action, sliding behind the head of the bed and holding his hands out for the laryngoscope and tube.

"Don't leave me, Bella," I whisper to myself, watching the horrific scene play out before me and feeling absolutely helpless.

It feels as time slows down as my eyes flick between Bella, the monitor, and watching my father's adept hands work. He's careful but quick, placing the tube before a nurse bags her. Her sats start to rise and they put her on a ventilator to keep her breathing. As of now, she's on life support. The chaos comes just before the doctors start making their rounds. First comes Kate and she makes sure the baby is stable and there's no change. Thankfully, nothing as of yet. Next Garrett stops by and can really only offer support as a friend. She doesn't have cancer, thank God.

By the time Bella's hospitalist comes in, we've started to discuss delivering our daughter early. If Bella codes again, if her heart stops, we could lose the baby too. No matter what I decide, my daughter's life is in danger, but at twenty-six weeks, she has a chance to survive.

"Give her steroids," I say, looking at Kate. "If something changes again, I need my daughter to have the best chance possible."

She nods. "I agree, Edward."

"So do I," Dad says. "You know what Bella wants more than anything else, son. I will call in the very best neonatologist in the country and she'll have every opportunity. At this point it's not a matter of if she needs to be delivered, but when. Delivering will help Bella, as well. Without the stress of the pregnancy, she'll be stronger to fight this."

I know this, but the idea of making this decision kills me. What if my daughter dies because of my choice? Or Bella does? I face death every day in my work, but this is so much more difficult. I try to think what I'd do if she weren't my wife, but I can't think rationally right now. All the medical knowledge I have is useless to me.

"If something changes we'll . . . we'll deliver," I say, hoping I haven't doomed my child. "Goddamn it, I fucking hate this!"

I drop my head into my hands, scrubbing my face roughly. This is torture, living on the brink of life and death. The two greatest loves of my life are in peril and I'm not strong enough to handle losing them. Bella wanted me to save our little girl, so I have to follow her wishes — but what if it means losing her?

. . . . .

The morning turns into afternoon and with Bella stable, Mom and Alice return to her side. Emmett stops in with a card from Seth around four and tells me Rosalie wants to be here, but can't bring Seth. He's much too young to see this, to even know about it, so I completely understand. With the room filled with people who love her, I hope Bella can feel it.

The once bland ICU room is anything but with cards from Seth, comforts of home from Mom, and even balloons. She can't have flowers, otherwise, I'm sure we'd be surrounded by dozens. So many people I work with and those who know Bella stop by, checking on her briefly through the day and I appreciate it. With so much love and so many prayers for Bella, I hope it's enough to help. If there's a God up there, He can't ignore so many pleas, can He?

"Bella wanted so badly to decorate the nursery," I say, holding her hand. "I figured we had plenty of time to get to it."

"We can finish it before she comes home," Emmett says. "Rose went through three cribs before she found one she liked, so I'm skilled at assembling them."

"I'd appreciate that," I laugh halfheartedly. "Thank you."

"And we'll decorate it," Alice says. "I think between Mom, Rose, and me we can follow Bella's ideas. She constantly talked about them and I sketched a few things for her. She'll love it and it'll be ready when the baby can come home. That'll be a while, won't it?"

I nod. "She's fourteen weeks early, so she'll be in the NICU for a good part of that time. If she doesn't have complications it may not be that long, but it could be a few months."

"Plenty of time to finish it," Mom says, reaching over and taking my free hand. "Everything will be all right, sweetheart."

"I hope so. I, uh . . . I might grab something to eat, if that's okay?" I ask, looking down at Bella.

"Of course," Mom says. "Take your time. We'll be right here and call you immediately if anything happens."

"Thank you," I sigh, standing from my chair and leaning down to kiss Bella's forehead. "I love you, sweet girl. I'll be right back."

I hate leaving Bella's side, but the small room is starting to close in on me and I need a few minutes. I take the elevator downstairs and get a sandwich from the cafeteria, sitting at a table to eat it quickly.

I'm not surprised to find Emmett's followed me when he sits down across from me and takes my coffee. He drinks and sits silently for a few moments as I devour the turkey sandwich.

"Have you lost it yet?" he asks and I cock my brow.

"Lost what?"

"If that were Rose upstairs, I'd be beating down doors and threatening people. You seem oddly composed."

I sigh, wiping my mouth and tossing down the napkin. "I've been down this road before, Em. I've begged for someone to save her, but there's nothing else I can do. She has the best medical care possible, so what would breaking down a door do?"

He nods. "True, but I know you're not that composed when it comes to Bella. I remember our first conversation about her, you know?" He smiles softly, tearing apart a napkin. "You gushed about how smart she was, pretty, and strong. You went on and on about how brave she was and how you wanted to save her; how you needed to."

"Yeah, she stole my heart the minute I met her."

I still remember how brave she looked in that exam room, willing to do anything to save her life. I vowed I wouldn't give up on her and then I quickly fell in love as we talked, turning her half hour appointment into my entire lunch hour. She was completely alone and I never wanted her to feel that way again.

"I can't picture a world without her in it, bro" he says. "Her story isn't over yet."

I smile slightly. "No, it isn't. And it sure as hell won't end like this. I just have to stay strong for her. This might get harder."

"If you need a pep talk, just give me a call. Ready to go back to her?"

"God yes."

He grins and stands, clapping his hand on my back as I follow him out of the cafeteria. Nothing's changed since I left, thankfully, and I return to my seat next to Bella with renewed hope. If anyone can beat this, it's her. I believe in her strength.

"Have you and Bella picked a name?" Mom asks then quickly adds, "Not that you have to tell us is."

We'd talked, but hadn't decided on one. We didn't even narrow it done much, to be honest. "No, we thought we had time."

Mom's expression softens and she squeezes my hand. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have—"

"Don't be. I guess we should have talked about it more, huh? I don't know if I can name my daughter without her input. Or if I even should."

"Hopefully if we deliver, she'll be able to come off the vent soon after," Dad says. "You two can discuss it then, so you don't need to do it alone."

I hope I won't have to. "Yeah, true. God, I could be a father anytime. It feels . . . "I can't describe it. It's an incredibly strong mixture of fear and joy. I'm so excited to be a dad, but the idea of doing it without Bella makes it unbearable to think about. My little girl might be here soon, though. I want so badly to hold her, to see her beautiful face, but I so, so wish it were in a few more weeks. "I just wish it wasn't so rushed."

"Of course, son," Dad says. "It's the most amazing thing to become a parent. I experienced it three times and was never prepared."

"I thought I was prepared," Emmett says. "And then he didn't stop crying."

"You were barely prepared," Alice says. "Rose did everything for Seth. You just changed poopy diapers."

"Which smell fucking terrible," he laughs. "But I wouldn't change a damn thing, Edward. It's incredible."

I lay my hand over Bella's stomach. "I'm excited, but I can definitely wait a little longer. And so can you, little one. Don't get any ideas."

. . . . .

The next morning's x-ray shows a pleural effusion developing, which requires a procedure to drain the fluid. It all goes relatively smoothly with Dr. Harkins performing the procedure and Dad observing closely. I help hold Bella's body in the necessary position and it ends with a good amount of the fluid drained and Bella's vitals stable, so I breathe a sigh of relief.

It proves to be premature after about a half hour when Bella's right lung collapses, which sets of a chain of events I'd had nightmares of, but I somehow stay in control.

"Call Kate and get an OR," I order as the room fills after the code button is pressed. "She needs a chest tube stat."

"Let's get a film," Harkins says as he and Dad run the code.

I know exactly where this is going and though I despise leaving Bella's side, I'd rather do it now and not later when she needs me beside her. I run to a supply closet, searching for a pair of scrubs and change right there, grabbing a cap on my way out. They're just beginning the chest tube procedure when I return and Kate's running down the hall from the elevators as I stand outside the room.

"You have to deliver the baby now," I say, hearing the alarms in Bella's room. "Please, Kate," I beg. "Save them both."

She nods and quickly runs into the room. It's one thing after another and now Bella's heart rate is erratic. They're giving her medications to try and help, but nothing works and eventually have to shock her. With Bella quite literally dying, the baby is in distress too.

"Is the OR ready?" Kate yells and gets an affirmative. "All right, let's go. We need to get the baby out now."

The very worst case scenario is playing out before me and it's all I can do to just follow them as the team rolls Bella out of the room, still trying to get her heart rate back into a normal rhythm with medications. The second she's on the OR table, they shock her again and I start scrubbing with Kate.

"NICU team is on their way," she tells me. "You need to go with your daughter, okay? Let us take care of Bella. You've brought her this far, Edward, so now you have to trust us. You made the right decision."

I hope so, but if we'd delivered yesterday, things wouldn't be so dire. Though I know Kate won't let me touch Bella, I still scrub and gown before sitting beside my wife's head. Dad got her heart back into a normal rhythm and now he's scrubbing, hopefully assisting Kate. How he can be so rational in a time like this is beyond me, but he's completely focus and doesn't let emotions get in the way.

"Hold on for me, love," I say, caressing her cheek as I kiss her forehead. "We're going to be parents. I'm so sorry you're missing this."

"Are we ready to begin?" Kate asks, walking in with Dad and putting her arms through a gown. "Let's bring this little girl into the world, shall we?"

My little girl.

It's oddly calm after the blaring of monitors and Kate starts the cesarean by making her first cut. Minutes . . . in minutes, I'll be a father. I look up at my own and he catches my gaze. He's on the other side of Kate, thankfully assisting her.

"Get ready to meet your daughter, son," he says. "Where's NICU?"

"They're coming in now," a nurse says.

As they set up, Kate continues the surgery and starts to open the uterus. I stand up, looking over the curtain and watch as she pulls the tiniest body free and it's almost effortless because she's not moving.

My daughter is as still as possible as she's passed off to another person and I quickly follow, feeling drawn to my baby. She's tiny, too tiny. And translucent. She's not breathing. Does she have a pulse?

I push myself as close as I can and see her in the incubator as the doctor works on her. Oxygen, compressions, check for a pulse, and repeat. They get an IV in her and start medications, trying to resuscitate her.

"Come on, sweetpea," I beg, putting my finger next to her teeny hand. "Daddy needs you, please. Please, baby."

I plead for her to breathe and suddenly, she does and her heart beats. I see it move her little chest. Tears are rolling down my face but I don't care. She's alive. My tiny, sweet, baby girl is alive. Dear God, please stay that way.

"Let's get her upstairs," the doctor says. "Sir, I'm Dr. Peters. You have a strong little girl here. You should come with her."

I nod absentmindedly. "Yeah, of course. Dad?"

I look across the room and he nods, his hands covered in my wife's blood. I glance at the monitors, seeing a low BP and unstable heart rate. "Go with your daughter, son," he says. "I'll stay with mine."

I smile sadly. "Thank you. I love you, Bella."

You're a mom, love. Stay with us and meet your perfect daughter.

I run out of the room with the incubator and keep a hand on it as we head upstairs. It hurts to leave Bella, but this is what she wants more than anything else. I'm following her wishes, and I know Dad won't let her go without one hell of a fight.

So, this is where I pulled the story and wow, omg, I am a terrible person for doing that! Good news, this will be completed. Chapter ten is done, minus some tweaks, so I should be able to post tonight or tomorrow.

I just want to tell you all once again how sorry I am for pulling these stories. I have not been in the best place mentally. I've suffered from depression, anxiety, and PTSD since I was a child. If you do as well, you'll understand that sometimes you can be doing great for years and then something in your head just . . . breaks. There's no other way for me to describe it. I lied to myself for a long time that I was fine, but I'm not and reposting these stories is a way for me to get back to who I used to be.

I've lost my family, my friends, and even my dog within the last two years. That's not to say I haven't had an amazing life because I have. I'm engaged and a homeowner, which are two things I never saw myself having. But I never saw myself losing my family, my dad nearly dying and moving across the country alone, and my stepmom cutting off all communication. I'm struggling to cope and move on, but I'm taking steps to change and heal.

Just . . . thank you all for reading. For caring. It means more to me than I can ever express.