Chapter Sixteen

Going Deep

Don't let go of my hand, now the darkness has gone
And this will be our year, took a long time to come

Nate spent hours last night looking for that stupid ridiculous stick. Every cover of his flat was uncovered, every nook searched, ever inch of floor inspected. Lita, the maid, stayed after her shift to help him - with no luck. After heavy search party, they ate Doritos in silence as they contemplated where else to look. After an hour of another aimless rummaging, she said she was tired and late to Buffy The Vampire Slayer reruns. Nate crashed down on his bed in exhaustion and stayed there, wide awake. He was going through his day, trying to remember where he put the little technological jinx.

He went to class, then he came back home with Penelope, she insisted on him wearing his tie - naked, they had sex, he showered, Serena showed up, he took the stick out of hiding, he had some tacos, played a game of Call of Duty -.

''Wait,'' He murmured, getting up abruptly. ''Serena.''

She caved in too quickly to his request to leave. She left the apartment faster than she came. It didn't strike him that her voice sounded too nervous - until now. He fiddled around bedsheets for his phone. Finding it, he quickly dialed her number. It rang few times before she rejected it. Nate tried to call her again in few minutes. Another rejection.

Groaning in frustration, he repeated the process several times. It had the same irritating outcome. As a confirmation of his doubts, she ignored dozen of his phone calls.

Nate didn't even bother to shave next morning. As soon as he brushed his teeth, he drove off to Constance Uni. He shouldered through students, majority of them blanching at his early arrival. Nathaniel Archibald was far from model student. He liked to blend in his mediocre averageness. Therefore, he took his time getting to class, putting high priority on food and coffee during breaks and believing cheating for test was just as hard as studying for it.

He finally reached table where Serena and Paige were engaged in conversation full of laughter. He heard them talking about Serena's birthday, which was this Friday, and for a moment he felt bad for interrupting. She still didn't have plans, but didn't seem much perturbed by the fact. Did she find out about the gift he bought her? Hum of excitement passed through his body at the thought of it.

Quickly after that, yesterday 's scenario flashed across his mind and annoyance of her theft outweighed everything.

Shaking his head, he strode to the duo with determined steps. ''Serena,'' He willed his voice to sound threatening, often like the one Chuck would use during blackmails. ''Can we talk? In private?''

Paige scoffed at the fact that he completely ignored her. ''Good morning to you too,'' She chided sarcastically.

Nate flashed a sidelong glance to the little redhead. ''Good morning.''

Serena's smile faltered but slightly. Leaning conspiratorially to her girl friend, she whispered with a wink, ''He can be cranky when he wakes up. I'll be back as soon as I cheer him up.''

She stood up, her blond mane waving wildly behind her as she moved, and he half-dazedly followed her. Serena found an empty classroom and got in, closing the doors behind them. Nate cornered her between the wall immediately, wasting no time. ''Give it back.''

Serena looked at his outstretched hand, her eyes too wide, her smile too beaming. ''Give back what, Natie?''

She was playing with him. Serena pulled few dollar bills from her back pocket and shoved them in his hands. The contact of their skin put her off for a second, but she shook it off - placing that mocking smile back on the face. ''Money for coffee from that one time? There you go.''

Nate gulped down his frustration at her easily smile. She thought all of this was a joke. He clenched the bills in hand and pushed them back in her front pocket, relishing at the same time in the feeling of her thighs. ''How did you take it? It was in front of my eyes all the time.''

''Please,'' She laughed, dangerous glint in her eyes. ''If I discovered my magic tricks, there wouldn't be any more surprises.''

With a cheeky smile, she winked and stalked off. Whole blasé attitude didn't seem genuine. Nate let out a breath he didn't know he was holding. This game seemed more dangerous by day, and he seemed to be the one losing.

Morning sky was juggling between murky gray and watery white. In contrast, the usually green yard of Constance was covered in orange and yellow piles. The leaves scattered over the lawn in colorful small heaps, not yet dry enough to crunch beneath the hurried steps of students. Janitor tried to keep them neat and away, but with little luck. Every once in a while, a chilling gust of wind would sweep by and undo all his work. He'd sigh in defeat and go get a rake.

Pumpkin spice latte was drink of the month and sweater was a must part of the outfit. The coldness in air was comforting and refreshing, a promise of winter wonderland that summer could never offer. Blair tightened Georgina's old Burberry scarf around her neck, burying her nose in it to keep from cold.

Chuck fixed eyes on his girlfriend. His girlfriend. He had a girlfriend. There was actually a human being on this planet, so utterly different from him yet ready to take him with his flaws and vices, ready to trust him. She was frowning, lost deep in thought. It was their first day an he was aware the pressure he put on her. Unlike him, she was secretive, a mysterious air about her - and that's what he loved so. She put a distance to everyone and everything, keeping the world at arm's length. But here he was, letting her tiny body press into his - unconsciously seeking his warmth.

''Blair,'' He lightly nudged her out of stupor, wanting to know what she was thinking. Chuck slowly took her fingers, surprised at how cold they were. He gently squeezed them together, putting them in his own warm pockets. Blair's breath hitched at this casual movement, as if it was something they always did, as if it was something as natural as 'Hello'.

''This is a bad idea,'' She muttered, tip of her nose red with cold. She distrustfully eyed the people around them, as if one of them was carrying a bomb. Chuck stared down at her, his eyes narrowing at the realization of her words.

The words were hard to process, there seemed to be acidic feeling in his mouth as he tasted them. ''What are you saying?''

''We didn't think this through,'' She urged, snapping her eyes up to look into his scowling face. She shifted her foot and sighed, as if mentally preparing herself for some heavy manual task. ''Maybe it would be wise to keep... this thing a secret.''

She looked away, avoiding his eyes. They only just arrived at Constance and everyone already gaped at them, making crude remarks. She hated being in spotlight. She hated having her secrets on the brink of exposure. Today, she placed herself a target on her back and it seemed to be open hunting season.

''This thing,'' He drawled sarcastically, pulling her closer to him, ''Is called a relationship. You should try it. It's nice.''

He brought her palm to his mouth and breathed on it, trying to warm her fingers. Blair felt herself melting away, her faux bravado falling into pieces at his feet.

''I thought we talked this through in the limo.''

''What we did can be barely called talking,'' Blair rolled her eyes, comforted by his touch and words despite everything. Little doubts and fears seemed to dissipate in his presence. She leaned into him, the smell of his cologne sparkling her desire. He leaned down his head and kissed the cool tip of her nose, relishing in her petite frame.

''It's too late now, anyway. You're eternally damned and stuck with me.'' Chuck smirked and nodded towards the table where the strangest assemble of their fellow students was gathered. On the table were regular TFB members; Serena, Paige, Nate. With them sat Penelope.

Penelope, who openly declared her disgust at the latter group. Penelope, who kept dissuading Blair from being friends with Serena or any of them. Nate looked red, Serena looked pale. They quietly talked among each other, none of them smiling or laughing. Suddenly, Serena rose from the table and stalked away. She paused in midway, her eyes bulging at the sight of Chuck and Blair, and their linked hands.

The rest of the group followed her gaze, one by one staring at them. There was no turning back now. Everyone knew. Penelope smiled widely and waived her hands at the couple, as if they'd been friends forever.

Blair's lips turned to snarl. She couldn't stand this Prada-wearing traitor. She still didn't forgive her and just the sight of her made her sick.

''What the hell is going on?'' Blair huffed, feeling absolutely irritated not just by the appearance of Penelope, but by the way everyone just went along her sitting with them. TFB were close with Chuck, that meant Blair would be getting closer to them, which meant she would in no way want to get close to Penelope. The ecstasy on her face made Blair want to punch her in that Roman nose. Serena left and after few moments, Paige rose to go after her. ''Since when is Penelope part of TFB?''

''Part of what?'' Chuck asked with raised eyebrows, turning towards her.

Still irritated, Blair crossed her arms. ''Trust fu-'' she stopped herself in last minute, her mouth frozen on the letter u.

Oh, right.

She cleared her throat awkwardly.

''What I meant was,'' She purred slyly, leaning closer to his body to distract him. ''I don't want to be looking at Penelope all day. Sorry, we'll have to break-up. This was nice, though. We should do it again sometimes soon. Call me.''

As she pretended to leave, Chuck put his hands on her waist and looked at her seriously. ''Blair, I don't care about them,'' He elaborated, his eyes fixed on her. It was as if he tried to convey some other message that was unfamiliar to his mouth, something that could be only said by look. She blinked few times, feeling intoxicated by his presence. ''I want to take you somewhere special after class today.''

His eyes were full of wonder and life, full of hope and excitement. She almost nodded, almost gotten carried away. It was so easy to get carried away with him. She almost jumped into his arms and screamed 'Yes.' But reality hit her hard, reminding her of who she was.

She was Blair and she had to make the hotel shift after class. That Blair didn't have time for dates. That Blair was forbidden to date.

''I can't,'' She sighed, falling on his chest. He put his arms around her and she melted in his embrace. ''I have some relatives staying over. I can't be late today. It's bad hosting manners.''

Chuck's eyebrows knotted. He nodded in understanding and kissed the top of her head. ''Fine, we'll do something tomorrow then.''

She nodded eagerly back, wanting to please him and knowing she'd have a whole hour for themselves before she had to go to work.

''You took it,'' He stated, not needing to accuse. The crime was as clear as day. Nate leaned back on his chair, not even happiness of his best friend managing to distract him from this very important train of thought that led to the following conclusion. Small part of him was impressed at the way she tricked him. ''You came to my house. You took the stick and gave it to Serena.''

Penelope raised her eyebrow in defiance, not bothering to deny the fact. Small part of her was impressed that he figured it out, all by himself.

''You did it for this?'' He mocked, his laugh without humor. ''So you can sit with us at the table?''

Penelope's smile faltered for a moment. The way he put it... He made it sound shallow and trivial. But this was war that she waged for ages. A war that she finally managed to win against the TFB. She rose slowly and grabbed her bag. ''What's wrong, Nate? Do you feel used?''

She threw him a glare and stormed off to find Serena. He had been using her for sex for months, when all she wanted was little attention and love. Maybe if her name was Serena Van Der Woodsen, maybe he'd be more willing to give it to her. After wandering on campus for a while, she finally found her. Serena and Paige were strolling through Constance lobby.

''Hey, girls,'' Penelope called out, hurrying towards them. They saw her, yet they didn't wait. Paige openly rolled her eyes as she came to join them. ''What are we doing for lunch? Salad at Green Garden?''

''Penelope, right?'' Paige drawled, managing to look down on her, even though P was taller for a foot. She cocked her head, her voice patronizing, ''Let me ask you something. Since when are we friends?''

Penelope laughed awkwardly, thinking of putting her hand on Paige's forearm, but deciding against it. ''Serena and I took care of that. She will explain.''

''I have no idea what you're talking about,'' Serena replied with an apologetic shake of the head. ''Sorry.''

Paige snorted and they turned around in sync, away from the blanching girl.

''Serena,'' Penelope called out with desperate voice. She crackled her knuckles, feeling the gates of the it group slowly close in front of her face. All the promises of blooming social life were beginning to fade from her grasp. The bliss of the acceptance was slipping away. ''Can we talk?''

''What does this person want?'' Paige groaned in frustration.

''I'll go find out,'' Serena whispered. ''I feel sorry for her.''

''We had a deal,'' Penelope demanded after Paige left, breathing heavily. The scheme was moments away from blowing up in her face and she was willing to do anything to stop it. She didn't want to be rude to Serena, she just couldn't be. There was an important, almost celestial air about her - something that required admiration and awe. Very similar to one that Blair sometimes had. ''I gave you the stick and you promised something in return, remember?''

''Yes...'' The blonde confirmed, pausing in thought. ''You did give it to me. I saw the movie and I didn't like it. I accidentally hammered it and threw it away. No stick, no deal.''

Serena was telling the truth. She crushed the little object with delight and joy. There was nothing standing between her friendship with Chuck. Except maybe this newfound relationship Blair. But knowing Chuck, she was aware of the fact it was not going to last. He got bored easily. Serena flashed her a small pitiful smile and turned around to go.

''Not so easy,'' Penelope fired back, stopping her in her tracks. ''What was on it? Something that had to do with Blair? Maybe she'll know. I'll go talk to her.''

''Go on,'' Serena nodded her head encouragingly, switching her purse to other shoulder. ''And while you're at it, don't forget to mention you betrayed her just to get accepted into our little society. Good luck with that.''

Penelope gasped, as her humiliation settled on the tender skin. She watched Serena walk away, taking with her all she thought she gained by sacrificing Nate. Now, she was truly alone. She pushed Blair away, played Nate and the it group never actually wanted her. She had been defeated by her own devices.

Tomorrow

''Wow,'' Blair breathed out, not able to contain the amazement and wonder that reflected in her eyes. ''You have an amazing view. All the nature, the greenery...''

''You don't really notice it when you have it right under your nose,'' Mused Serena, throwing her bordeaux Birkin on the plush sofa. Today, she dragged them all to her place for lunch. She said it was a celebration lunch, in honor of their new relationship.

Blair wished she could host these kinds of lunches. A pang of jealousy struck her as she basked in the luxury of Van Der Woodsen residence.

''Right?'' Nate quipped, throwing himself carelessly on her couch. He propped his feet up and threw Serena a sidelong glance. ''People always appreciate the stuff they can't have.''

Heavy silence settled upon them. Blair eyed the posh mansion, feeling envy bubble within her chest, unable to control it. Van Der Woodsen three story town house was full of windows that overlooked private park outside. The rooms were flooded in light and warm, homely, but modern decor.

Blair loved it. Oh, how she yearned for safety of wealth and prestige. Deep down, she knew it was what would satisfy her, what would open up opportunities, something that would give her wings to soar through world.

She felt irritated that Serena unashamedly stole this little time she could spare today. Blond girl didn't give them time to refuse, she didn't give them time to talk it over. Instead, she found herself in her limo, ushered to this money breeding nest. Blair only had an hour before she had to go and do her shift at the hotel.

She wished she had more time to spend with Chuck, it didn't seem fair to him. Tomorrow, she would have to go straight from class to Millennium hotel. Headwaiter John required she be there early. It was Friday and work got busy. Blair remembered tomorrow was also Diana's marriage anniversary. They spent it at their hotel almost every year.

The silence was interrupted by heavy footsteps of Van Der Woodsen's chef. He bowed respectfully and exchanged few whispered words with Serena. Blair paced around the living room, admiring the environment and examining decorations. A digital frame caught her attention and she found herself picking it up carefully. Pictures rolled one by one in a sideshow of memories. There was a picture of Serena hugging an older version of herself, but much more elegant, their smiles identical.

''You and your mother look very much a like,'' She noted as the blond approached.

''We do,'' She confirmed, her eyes misty with thought. ''But I'm much more like my dad. I only have few pictures with him, though. Back while I was still a child.''

''I'm sorry,'' Blair glanced up.

Blair realized she didn't know anything about Serena or her personal life. She began to regard her in whole different light. Here she was, her mother almost always away and her father decidedly absent. Her eyes reverted back to the frame and there was picture of very young Serena in plaid private school uniform, blowing raspberry at Nate. Then there was a picture of Chuck, probably around the age of sixteen, looking very brooding with silly party hat on his head, leaning on the balcony railing with New York skyline in the background. She lifted up her eyes to find him staring at her.

Her heart throbbed painfully, wishing she knew him back then in those days. Would he like her as much as he did now?

''I wasn't aware you knew each other so well,'' Blair declared incredulously, slightly feeling like an intruder. She saw a picture of all three of them, dipping their feet in turquoise sea on some beach. They must have been around twelve years old. The sky was clear blue, the sand looked hot under them. Their white teeth were prominent against the tanned skin, arms flung around each other's shoulders. She bit her lip, looking away from them. She thought they met in Constance, but it was clear they'd been familiar for years, decades even.

And here she was, gliding into their prestigious lives, wearing somebody else's feathers.

''We move in the same circles. That's why we've known each other for forever,'' Serena shrugged, as if it was the most natural thing on Earth. Chef came and put plates of sushi on the table in the living room together with wassabi, soy sauce and porcelain chopsticks. Serena motioned with her hands for them to sit, inviting them to eat.

''High society,'' Nate mocked, putting invisible quotes with his fingers. They planted themselves on the couch and Chuck nudged Blair to try tuna roll.

''It's my favorite,'' He smiled, dipping it into soy for her.

Serena playfully slapped Nate's knee. ''We're doomed to lead this luxurious, prestigious life. Blair, will we ever amount to be anything other than wealthy socialites?''

''It's not what magazines make it out to be, though.'' Blair commented, reflecting back on what she learned these past few months of hanging out with TFB - the golden youth of Manhattan. ''It's much more than that.''

Chuck fed her the roll and their eyes met as she opened her mouth. The eye contact triggered something in both of them, a gesture too intimate, as if it should belong only to them, enclosed in a private, darkly lit bedroom. She chewed, feeling hot all of a sudden.

A devilish smirk drawn up on Chuck's face and he leaned back on the couch, snaking his arm around Blair's waist. She felt her insides trembling from his touch, his warmth evoking fireworks throughout her nervous system.

''I agree,'' His confident response came. ''It's common views and values. There are class differences all over the world, it's undeniable. We happen to belong to the very top. That eminent, exclusive one percent.''

Class differences? Blair immediately moved out of his arms, putting some distance between them. Cold water spilled over the raging fire. He spoke like everyone wanted class differences. Like it was something that couldn't be helped, something that benefited everyone -instead of privileged few. Something to be proud of.

''Class differences?'' She repeated, stunned with the careless way he was expressing his decided opinion.

''We all have an identity,'' He explained, trying to take her hand, but she feigned taking a sip of tea to avoid it. ''We belong to the similar position, have the similar status and amount of power. We enjoy the same luxury and privileges. Our families and lifestyle isn't that much different. Isn't that right?''

She nodded absentmindedly, feeling the grief and rage slowly take a hold of her. He thought he was including her in the picture of high society, but Chuck wasn't even aware she was an outsider. He wasn't aware she belonged to the one percent on the very bottom of a social list.

So he was one of those that admitted it was private club and fought to make it stay like that. What difference was between them and her, except few zeros on bank account? None. They were made out of same flesh and bones. What separated her from them? The view on life? What made them better? Smarter?

Her lies churned within her. Her relationship suddenly seemed like nothing but a sham.

She did not belong with him. He would hate her if he knew who she really was. He would be disgusted.

''I'm gonna go,'' Blair suddenly rose as panic overwhelmed her, grabbing her jacket. She definitely felt like an intruder, she wanted to jump out of her own skin. Chuck stiffened, looking at her warily.

''Has it been an hour already?''

''The traffic's a state,'' She lied, not bearing the sight of any of them. She needed to get away from them, she needed to get away from their rough, oligarchical attitudes. No matter how much she pretended to be one of them, it could never be. She didn't live in a five bedroom flat, she didn't have a private chef or maid, she didn't have a gym in her apartment. Even riding a cab was a luxury in her world.

''I'll drop you off,'' Chuck rose, putting hand on her elbow protectively.

Blair let him lead her to the lobby before she pulled away. ''I'll just hail a cab.''

''Is everything okay?'' He asked with hushed voice, narrowing his eyes in concern. Blair nodded, not wanting to mull over this any longer. At that moment came Serena, looking inquiringly.

''Blair, are you still coming tomorrow? For my birthday?''

Blair sighed, completely forgetting about it. ''I don't think I can.''

''We'll be here at home,'' She explained, implying she knew well how restrictive her parents could be. Chuck frowned at the answer, leaning back on the wall, his arms crossed. ''I don't feel like going to Tropic. It's nothing special, really. Just us and Paige. You can come after class.''

''I can't,'' She repeated more firmly, another lie dripping off her lips. Because of a) she couldn't afford any possible suitable gift for Manhattan princess, and b) she couldn't get out of the shift at the hotel. ''I have some guests staying over. I have to be with them.''

Serena stared at her for a moment. A long, awkward moment. She then nodded, shrugging off the rejection and went back in the living room.

Chuck sighed and got closer. He gently brushed a stray hair behind her ear. ''I'll miss you tomorrow,'' he said in a low voice, looking her straight in the eyes. ''Meet me after class, please.''

She nodded weakly, completely forgetting she had to go straight to the hotel later on.

It was almost midnight. They had classes next morning, yet it didn't stop them from drinking the whole bottle of Bart's good scotch. Chuck was sporting a smile, the sensation so unfamiliar to his face that both of his cheeks hurt. He was texting Blair, a habit they seemed to embrace overtime, saying good night every day before they went to sleep.

He liked that they did things together that didn't involve anyone else. It made him excited about new habits they were to form together, which he would pretend to be embarrassed of, but would secret love.

Who knew domestic life could be this good?

''What a girl,'' observed Nate wistfully, pressing his lips on the corner of the glass. He watched as his friend's smile defied the time and cramps, plastered on face for hours. ''She spun your head in just few days.''

''You're next,'' Pointed Chuck, turning off his phone and picking up his glass. He took a sip of scotch, the amber liquid pleasantly burning down his throat.

''Me?'' Nate asked somberly, his green eyes cast down. He remembered Serena's bright eyes, her wild blond hair. He was crazy about her, yet she didn't care. ''Hardly.''

''It wasn't easy for me either,'' Chuck patted his shoulder in comforting way. ''For the first time in my life, I had to make an effort. ''

''You had to make an effort?'' He couldn't stop the bitterness in his voice. What Nate did for Serena, he could never call that an effort. Being there for her, indulging her every whim, protecting her, keeping her secrets - he did it with delight. It also came with a price; with many solitary days, many depressing thoughts... But one smile from her was worth of everything.

''You come to the point when you feel like you don't need to chase anyone. You think you saw it all with women. I mean, I did, at least. '' Chuck stopped, drawing in his breath. His eyes seemed lost in thought, not even noticing the way Nate's gaze wandered in the distance. ''And then, that one girl comes and knocks down everyone else. And she's all that matters. That's how I feel with Blair.''

''You're a lucky guy,'' Nate downed his drink in one motion.

There was something hard pressing on his chest, forbidding him to breathe. He replayed all the times Serena made him happy and all the times she made him devastated. He remembered her smile that could compete with brightest sunshine, he remembered the way she'd call him Natie. Just the contact of their skin would daze his mind, leaving him to swim in the affection he felt for her.

He was her self-declared knight, her renegade. The secret he thought he could hide clawed at his insides, demanding to be released. He wasn't even aware of the words coming out of his mouth. It was as if some higher force pushed them out and the planets were finally aligned in his heart.

''I'm in love with Serena.''