A/N Been awhile since updating here after a busy Christmas and New Years and changes in work. But here we go back at this. This one is heavy and dark and the next one even more and we dig into Roman's past with the CIA, his connection to Sasha and Naomi and his broken relationship with his cousin Jey.

Hang on.

Always appreciate your thoughts and they help inspire me to write quicker...

Will try to stay with updating every week or so here so watch for new chapters.

I finished my Christmas story Till Forever and Back, the sweet and yet intense love story of Roman and Brie Bella and their family. So if you haven't read that one yet please check it out and let me know what you think.

My Daddy Roman one Finding You is also done except an epilogue possibly yet but I will focus on these two for awhile.

Updated Fighting to Live as well with a more intimate chapter plus, more backstory and started moving the plot to get them some allies and plans to save her daughter. I will update there again soon too.

Sara's POV

"It's about my cousin," Roman said before I screwed up the courage to spit out my own secrets. There went my chance to share again and I knew I needed to so badly but every time I tried I seemed to chicken out.

What was about his cousin? I remembered he said he had a cousin in the C.I.A. Jey Uso. The one that was working to rescue us. My mind raced trying to figure out what we had just been talking about after how incredible his kiss had been. He always made my mind feel like damn jelly after any kisses that it was a wonder I knew my own name some days.

What were we talking about? Oh right, the tattoo.

"I got it after one of my missions. The mission that destroyed us as family." His head was down as he spoke but I let him take his time in telling me what he wanted to. He reached for my hand and I tangled my fingers with his. He smiled as I squeezed his hand and he lifted my palm up to his chest. "Sorry my heart is racing. I haven't shared this with anyone. Not even Dean knows everything. I tried to block it out for a long time."

That took me by surprise, that his best friend did not know what he was about to tell me.

"The knot is the Celtic symbol for brotherhood." I leaned on his shoulder as he explained, rubbing his wrist, and tracing the tattoo with my hand. "The thorns are what's choking the life out of what we once were to each other. We were inseparable. Sure we fought as kids and competed and got each other in trouble. Hell, we taught each other how to fight and he could take me down on my best day. He was so fast and strong."

I listened and stroked Roman's hair by his ear as he continued.

"The blood dripping is Jey's fiancé's, Naomi's. She died because of me."

My eyes widened. I remembered him crying out for a woman's life and then transferring that fear to me in the shower that night at the prison, screaming that they stop hurting me. Was this who he was talking about?

"The writing..." I said staring at the tattoo. "The B and L?"

Roman looked back up at me. "It's for Bloodline. Kind of a monogram or family crest type symbol. I always felt like Jey was like a brother to me. I had a brother that passed away and he did too, so we very much bonded in that."

I curled in closer and snuggled deeper against his throat as his deep voice continued.

"It's a reminder that somehow in this life I need to fix things with Jey. I need him and I know he needs me too. For a long time, we didn't have anyone else."

The light from the cave dimmed fast and I saw little droplets all over the pool. It must be raining now outside and the mood seemed to darken as fast as the sky.

"It was all my fault Sara. She would be alive if it wasn't for me."

I saw his chin quiver and I snuggled deeper in his lap as his arms came around me and his head fell to my shoulder.

"We were both on an undercover mission to stop a Serbian arms dealer from selling weapons to Muslim extremists. My cousin oversaw the mission and planned its every detail. Jey writes everything down and is such a detail Nazi. There was no way we could fail, but somehow we did."

"Ny and I went to the marketplace to surveil the meet between the Serbs and the terrorists. Sasha was my other partner and my best friend. She was running surveillance. The boss sent his own son-in-law to the meet. All we were supposed to do was find out where the exchange was happening and report back. Then later intercept the weapons and arrest them red handed. But someone must have tipped them off and they got suspicious and bailed on the meet before the extremists even got there.

Naomi and I headed to the extraction point and yet when I got there we were jumped and I fought one of them and she another. By the time I took out the first guy I heard her cry out and the guy she was fighting had her by the throat, with a gun to her head."

I felt Roman's heart pounding harder as he just lay on my shoulder still, his head down, his eyes focused on the ground. His eyes closed and his arms curled tighter around me. "It's okay sweetie. I'm right here." I had no idea what else to say and I was terrified hearing what he had walked into.

I heard him swallow hard and he lifted his head. "I know you are. Holding you is the only thing giving me strength to get through this. It was bad Sara, so bad."

I felt tears in my eyes at his tone and kissed him tenderly on the lips before pulling back to see his eyes just as emotional. His long dark hair, was so soft and silky framing his face as he gazed so sadly at me.

"Whatever it is, you aren't there anymore. You are here with me safe in this little cave Roman. We are okay."

He nodded in agreement and sniffled. "I know baby. You are right. But I feel sick just thinking about everything. Anyway I pulled my gun and the guy told me to drop it or he would kill her. I remember being so calm even though inside I was screaming at the image of the love of my cousin's life with a gun to her head. But we were partners long before they fell in love and I knew we had been in worse situations.

My hand was steady, and just as it looked like I was going drop my gun, I raised it fast and shot his gun hand and his weapon fell to the ground as I went in for the shot. He was out before he hit the ground and Ny was okay."

I breathed out a huge sigh of relief being so taken in by his story but also realizing that the woman had died, he said. So there was more…

Roman looked lost in his memories as he kept speaking and was looking at me but seemed like he was staring right through me.

"She fell shaking in my arms and we turned to run out the door. Sasha caught up with us and was yelling that we couldn't go that way and there was more men coming for us. So I had both the girls I treasured most in my life with me right then, comms was messed up, and our extraction was compromised. We raced back the other way to the only other exit from the marketplace, when there was a huge explosion."

I clung tighter to his neck I felt him tremble. His shoulders were shaking as my arms wound tighter around his precious body. I could not imagine how hard it must be for his mind to go back there.

Roman sniffled and sucked in another deeper breath. "The next thing I remembered was waking up in the dark. Endless dark and it felt like it went on for days. When I thought I couldn't take any more, suddenly the door opened and I had a bag thrown over my head and was led into another room. A bright light was put in my face as the bag was yanked off. I begged to know if Sasha and Ny were okay. It felt like I hadn't seen them in weeks."

"We didn't use our real names on that mission but they had found information about our aliases. It did not lead back to The Agency so afterwards it didn't matter that we used our names at all. The enemies knew far more about us than we were aware of. Something didn't add up, like there was a mole or something that tipped them off.

But we never told them anything about who we were working for or at least I didn't. I didn't even know if the girls were alive for weeks that they held me. They just asked me over and over who I worked for and what I was doing there, what I had heard, or seen. The men interrogating me told me that they had killed them, my partners. They described how in the most gruesome ways. However I knew how strong my girls both were and that they would not just give up. We had the same training and resistance to torture, sensory deprivation and starvation."

I shut my eyes and could hardly imagine the hell all that would have been. Right then I could feel him holding me so close and I needed his arms around me just as much as I could feel he must need me too. I stayed quiet and he kept pouring out more of his story.

Roman curled his arms tighter around my body under his shirt on me, his presence so soothing. "Is this too hard for you Beautiful?" he asked me softly, his head right by my ear. I shook mine and urged him to continue.

"No Roman. Whatever you faced is weighing on you so much. I can see it. The burden losing your cousin has been. What happened to you and them. You screamed in the shower that night about saving them and so much blood. You were thinking someone was hurting me. You couldn't save them but I am right here with you. If you need to get it out to me, do it. I can do my best to help you and listen. "

He smiled so sweetly back at me, caressed my face and pulled my lips to his. "I did, try so hard to save them. So hard, but I could never get free and felt so fucking weak." And more tears slipped from his dark eyes.

"I overheard a conversation once when they thought I was unconscious after being electrocuted and I heard one person asking what was taking so long. It was so far away I thought it could have been a woman's voice but I could have been wrong too. I could barely make it out. The other, deeper, more commanding voice that sounded in charge said to be patient and once we broke they would get their chance. The first voice told them it wasn't good enough and that he would be sorry if he stood in the way much longer. It was so faint, but I knew what I had heard."

"Most of the torture was hidden and didn't leave marks on us. I was electrocuted over and over till they thought it could damage my mind and the information they wanted from me. Often they would use some kind of adrenaline in one arm and a sedative in the other just to shock our system too. It was pure hell. Every day was the same, barely any food, some kind of torture that left no marks, in case they were investigated I assumed and more darkness."

I buried myself deeper in his arms as I held him. "Oh my God Roman, I am so sorry." He held me just as close and sought the same closeness.

I knew I needed to share my own darkness, my own pain yet too. There was no doubt now how much I loved this precious man and how safe I felt with him. I knew he could help me carry my own burdens and this was finally the person I could lean on to help me carry the load of my emptiness, like he was doing with me right now.

"Thank you so much for being here with me Beauty. You have no idea how much I need you," Roman nuzzled my head. He looked back up in my eyes and took a deep breath before continuing as he smoothed the hair from my cheek again. His gray eyes swirling with the darkness of his past memories.

"One night, weeks into our captivity things were different. And instead of just tossing me in my dark cell, I was chained to the damn wall unable to even move my arms. I had no idea why they felt they needed that added layer of security. It wasn't like I had tried to escape or anything since the first week or so.

Then I had tried. Tried to overpower guards, used my tray for food, any element of surprise, anything I could think of to get away till one of them came in saying if I did anything else that Sasha would pay the price for my escape attempt. And they showed me a video of her hanging by ropes, blindfolded and her clothes soaking wet and being threatened to get electrocuted on her bare belly.

I screamed at them to stop and I heard her cry out so weakly for me on the video. I promised I wouldn't do anything again and I meant it. So after that I became their good little obedient prisoner at all times, just like for Miz with you."

That was news to me. "Roman really?" He nodded to me slowly.

"Um, yeah, hitting me on the plane was hardly the first time. He had caught me looking at you and threatened solitary or beatings before just for that. Thank God, he never said he would hurt you just me Baby girl but oh man was he jealous of the looks you gave me or how I looked at you too."

I smiled bashfully again and he was smiling too, bumping my head gently.

"He had it bad for you and damn well knew I was the hot pretty one that turned your head toward me especially after that first week.." Oh I remembered.

Roman cleared his throat, "I wasn't finished with my story though Sara. I would love to get this all out and have it stop tormenting me inside like a swirling volcano of darkness. We both need to heal."

I nodded and nuzzled in against him again leaning my forehead to his and he stroked my hair back from my cheek. "That night the door opened and I saw a figure being shoved through it before it was slammed closed again. It was almost totally dark but I would recognize her voice anywhere. She called out through the emptiness and crawled toward me."

I saw him fighting more tears and I caressed his cheeks, wiping them away. His eyes closed, his long lashes fluttering. "Mmm Baby girl that feels so good. Holding you, feeling you. Sara, it is so hard to think back to that time but I have never told anyone.

And Sash and I weren't a couple in case you needed to know. She was like a sister to me. Like the baby sister I never had. I called her Bunny and I was her Big dog. She loved feeling protected by me like a big brother. I wanted to shield her from everything in that moment as I felt her crawl up to lay her head in my lap but I couldn't even hold her."

I shut my eyes and nuzzled his head, after watching the tears slip down his cheeks. "Wow Roman, no wonder you have wanted to be such a rescuer to me with all the danger around us. You were so close to her and yet that must have been hell not to be able to hold her. I understand a lot more even now already."

He nodded at me, his eyes still closed as I opened mine. "It was. Sash was so weak and could barely talk but she pulled herself up to curl in my lap so I could at least hold her that way. And they brought her to me like that, like pure fucking torture every night for days without letting me hold her. We talked for hours, so at least we had that. She had no idea where they were keeping Ny. She could have already been dead. It was starting to look like no one was ever coming for us and there was no way out. We had been in bad situations before but nothing like this.

And then one night they didn't bring her to me. I remember screaming over and over for her and begging to know what happened. I didn't see her for I think over a week maybe it was I could hardly tell. Time just bled together then.

He shut his eyes feeling the memories pull him back in...

The door swung open nearly blinding me with light from flashlights compared to the total darkness I was in all night. I was still chained to the wall. I had thought Sasha would has been brought to me at some point in the night and tried to wait up. Any sound, any noise at all from beyond the door and my head snapped up thinking something was happening but she never came.

Two men came to me and one whipped me across the legs with some kind of weapon. I had lost track what kinds. I had been bleeding and had cuts and bruises from so many different kinds of weapons by now. All over my torso and arms and legs. They were still careful not to inflict much on my face and I had no idea why. Maybe for image purposes. Video calls? So far no one had even said anything about any kind of ransom. I didn't even know if Jey knew where we were. If we had been disavowed by the C.I.A. we were not being told. He would never give up on his own fiancé.

I felt the chains unlink from the wall as another hit to my stomach made me buckle to the floor and curl up clutching my belly. I was hauled up to my feet and the damn bag put on my head as I fought the arms restraining my hands behind my back. They dragged me out of the room again like every day.

"Where is she!" I screamed out from underneath the bag. "Let us go! No one will fucking talk! Just give up already!" I cursed and yelled as they dragged me out the door. I felt the air change around me as we must be in a hallway and then in another room, again. Was it another day of torture? I didn't honestly know how much more I could take I was so tired.

I was thrown in a chair and tied up to the sides. Ropes tightly securing my hands and bare feet before I was shoved back as I heard a door slam in the distance and it was quiet.

The bag was still on my head but I strained to see through the thick black weave. "Sash. Ny? Are you here?" I whispered and shifted the chair, moving my feet to try to feel if anything was nearby. I could feel the slightest weight by my right foot. "Is someone here? Who's there?" I had no idea who it was, but someone was there that close to me.

This was different. No one had ever been in a room with me before...

I heard the softest crying and I could make out that it was my precious Sasha. Jesus, now I couldn't see her or hold her? "Sash, sweetie. I'm here. Are you okay?" I tried to soothe her with just my voice.

I could hear a gasping breath and felt fingers at my legs. "No Roman. Everything...everything hurts..." she whimpered. "I can barely move."

I wanted so badly to hold her and I felt her trying to crawl further onto my lap, her head falling to my knees as I fought the ropes at my wrists. They didn't budge. "Little Bunny, I am sorry. So fucking sorry."

Sasha groaned and nuzzled my lap. "I need that Big dog in you, big brother to break your ropes and bust us out of here. There is no one else here. I can't escape without you."

I could have cried, I wanted so badly to do just that. I sucked in a deeper breath and gasped out despite the pain in my gut from the hit from what I could only assume was a metal pipe before. "If I could tear these ropes apart I would. But they haven't been feeding me. Hardly at all this whole last week and barely before that too. I'm about as strong as a Samoan puppy right now. Any chance you could help ME with them or even get this bag off me?"

I felt her pull herself around the back of the chair. "The ropes are so tight Rome, so tight and my fingers can barely cooperate. I can't..." She was whimpering and trying to pull at them to try to free me with no use.

My heart was hurting for how weak she sounded and defeated. "Its okay Sash. It's okay. I'll figure out something," I soothed her. "How about the bag? Can you reach that?"

I heard her moving as she crawled back on my lap and shift her body higher, her arms gripping my shoulders. "I'll try." I gave her an easier job, and that way she would feel like she could still help me.

Sasha whimpered again as she stretched, just managing to pull the bag off my head. I shook my hair out of my eyes, as I blinked rapidly to try to adjust my eyesight to the brightness of the room.

"You did it. See, if we work as a team, we can get the hell out of here. I know we can." I bent to smile down at her, but my smile died on my lips as I took in her shivering and frail body, curled up on my lap as she moved my hair fully back from my face.

I nearly gasped out at how thin she was. Her clothes were dirty and her face still nearly clear of damaging marks but every time she moved her arms, the sleeves of her shirt looked like 3 sizes too big on her nearly starved frame. Her eyes looked sunken in, her cheeks too.

My lips quivered as I looked so sadly at her. Even in my cell I had not seen this. It had been nearly totally dark. "Oh, my God, my Bunny...What the fuck have they done to you?" My head was down, so close to hers and she nodded as tears slipped down her cheeks.

She reached up and stroked a hand down my cheek gently. "You don't look much better big brother..." I can see bruises all over your arms and under your shirt, by your chest and stomach and you wince everywhere I touch you. Your eyes look hollow Roman. They starved you too. You just can't see it."

Sasha curled her small body around me and despite her looking so weak, her arms were vise-like around my neck. We cried silently together and I held her the best I could with my hands still tied to the damn chair. Her whimpered sobs were interrupted by deeper hacking coughs from her chest.

My head flew up as I leveled a serious gaze in her eyes. "Oh no, are you sick?" I asked, my concern now on hearing wheezing in her lungs. It had been cold and damp in my fucking cell and she had been shivering in paper thin torn clothes, both of us barefoot with nothing but my body heat to warm her every night. And it had been a full week ago that she hadn't even had that.

Sasha looked up in my eyes, her own bloodshot and so heavy she could hardly open them all the way as she coughed more. "I think so. I can't get rid of this damn cough."

I nuzzled my head to hers, nearly crying out at the pulling it did on my wrists to reach that far and felt her forehead was burning up. "God sweetheart you ARE! Fuck Sash. What the hell are we going to do? I need to get you to a damn doctor." I was pleading now and nudged her as she looked almost asleep against me. "Bunny, please, stay awake, please! You need to be okay!"

Her head snapped up, her eyes focusing and she blinked, coughing again. "Okay Roman, I can do that. But she started slipping down again almost instantly. She looked so tired. So weak.

"Sash, when was the last time you slept?" I asked her my voice low, trying to sound gentle yet insistent.

She blinked and moved slightly, barely opening her eyes halfway. "Mmm? They have been keeping me awake...it feels like for so long...such bright lights..." She coughed more again, gasped and choked more, before clutching hard on my arms, burrowing her head against my throat. "It was so cold and so wet...You feel so warm Rome, so cozy. I'm so tired."

Oh God, had these monsters been waterboarding her? I just wanted to scream. Instead I kissed her head and nuzzled in. "Then just sleep sweetheart. I am right here." Almost instantly she was quiet, her small hands holding so tight to my torn and half open black shirt.

I looked around desperately and fought with the ropes on my wrists again but nothing budged. Damn it! I started trying to rub the rope against the chair and felt it burn my skin and the wetness of my own blood mixed with the burn.

We needed to get the hell out of here before anyone else showed up...

Flashback to be continued...