Chapter Nineteen

Warriors of the Heart

Perhaps one did not want to be loved so much, as to be understood.

''I thought you were with Penelope,'' Blair exclaimed in surprise as Nate met her on the hallway after class. ''Weren't you two supposed to meet?''

''She didn't come,'' He grumbled, shoving his hands in pockets. ''I wish I could talk to Chuck.''

''Don't be ridiculous,'' Blair turned to give him the evil eye. ''We promised Penelope we'd tell no one.''

''Fine,'' He muttered and after that said more loudly, forcing lightness into his voice ''What's up, guys?''

TFB were sitting at their regular table inside the crowded lounge room. Courtyard was empty these days, everyone huddled inside warm building of Constance Uni. Snow fell in thick piles, hiding the green grass and covering every object in smooth white sheet. Serena tapped the chair next to her, but there was nothing of the welcoming feeling in the gesture..

Blair trailed after Nate and they both sat next to each other, on only remaining seats. She turned to greet Chuck, but stopped midway. He had a look on his face that had her back up. He was in terrible mood and didn't even bother, or manage, to hide it.

''I tried calling you last night,'' He whispered only for her to hear, his voice cold as ice. ''You didn't pick up. You never called when you got home.''

It was a blunt accusation. She inhaled deeply in irritation at the recollection of million different ways she tried to persuade Penelope to meet Nate and settle the matter down. The mission had been so far unsuccessful. Penelope was persistent in spiting father of her child and didn't even bother to come to class, let alone show up to one of their meetings. Blair didn't even didn't lie when she said, ''It was already late when I saw your call.''

Their eyes met, waging a mute war with each other. Chuck's nostrils flared, but his pressed mouth didn't utter another word. She noticed he was silently fuming, but the reason behind it was unclear. If she had been less tired, maybe she'd be able to notice his attitude was dangerously close to hostile.

''We're talking about cheating,'' Serena filled them in and Blair could swear she was looking pointedly at her. Blond girl looked as flawless as always, her skin glowing and bright. She was picture of Hollister perfection.

''Oh,'' Nate raised his eyebrows, but did nothing else to show any interest in the topic.

Blair noticed the way Chuck's eyes snapped out of the daze to glare at his best friend. There was strange glint in his eyes recklessly flickering between thick lashes.

''You know Gabriel from Barnard, guy I've been dating last winter?'' Paige began angrily, clutching the cup in her hands as if she'd break it. ''The prick admitted he cheated on me this summer - with my yacht hostess.''

''What an idiot,'' Nate shook his head, taking a sip of his Gatorade. ''Why the hell would he admit that?''

''What are you trying to say?'' Growled Chuck all of a sudden. ''He wasn't supposed to?''

''Of'course not,'' Answered his best friend jokingly. ''Deny. Even when you're busted in bed with someone else.''

Serena caught Chuck's eyes and they passed a look between them that was completely unreadable to the rest of the party.

''You broke up six months ago,'' Continued Nate, not put off in the least. ''He should have told you that back then. Forget him, he's just trying to stir some shit up.''

Very slowly, Blair tentatively put her hand on Chuck's thigh. She sensed him freeze at her touch, and she lightly squeezed. Being snappish towards Nate wasn't like him. Being distant and quiet, even less so.

Chuck finally looked at her for the first time that day. Shiver went down her spine at the intensity of his piercing stare. She cocked her head, daintily fluttering her lashes, trying to lure him out of that bad place he was currently in.

He didn't say anything, but the trick seemed to work. He rose, offering her his hand and she took it without thinking. There was an exciting mix of pleasure and pain swirling within darkest recess of her body.

''Remind me to get you a key,'' Said Nate dryly as he got out of his car, crossing the parking to get to his flat. It seemed she was waiting to ambush him.

''I'm not going in,'' Serena spoke with a small voice, brushing the snowflake from the tip of her nose. ''I think it's time we work this out.''

Nate only thought how she looked adorable in thick wool coat and pink fluffy cap on her head.

''A friendly advice,'' She crossed her hands as he got closer, scowling. ''Own up to what you're doing.''

''Are you playing detective?'' Despite the casual demeanor, his heart skipped a beat at the thought that she knew his secret. Serena knew. And she was pissed off.

''How do you know?'' He finally gave up, looking at her somberly.

''I can't believe you,'' She cried out at his almost offhand attitude. Why wasn't he freaking out? Why wasn't he on his knees, begging for forgiveness? Did he care nothing for his best friends? Did this betrayal mean anything to him? ''I can't believe you're doing this because of her.''

''I don't know how you found out,'' He said quietly, completely serious. Every other feeling died and and he was left with crude reality of his doings. Despite her discovery, Serena was very vengeful these days. He knew she couldn't stand Penelope. He knew she'd be happiest if she took it out on her. But this secret was Nate's burden too. ''If you say this to anyone-.''

''Are you serious?''

''Serena,'' He warned, setting all feelings for her aside. Unwanted pregnancy was no gossip or topic for lunch-conversation. It was a serious issue and thus was meant to be treated as one. ''You weren't supposed to know this. Is that clear? You won't tell anyone. It's between me and her. Did you hear me?''

Her eyes narrowed and glazed. ''Oh, really? I guess you're right,'' She snapped sarcastically. ''Because this isn't something that Chuck should know at all.''

''Don't drag him into this,'' He uttered defensively, thinking she was over-reacting. Nate Archibald was a grown up man who could deal with his own issues. Of'course he'd want his best friend to know, but Penelope's wishes were to be respected. It was her body and it was ultimately her choice. ''What does he have to do with this?''

Serena's eyes widened and she laughed humorlessly, ''What does he have to do with this?!''

''I would have talked to him,'' He explained with a dose of a guilt, frowning. ''But she doesn't want me to. Maybe I'll tell him everything later, when things settle down.''

''You're disgusting,'' She spat bitterly, her lower lip quivering.

''Serena, please,'' He sighed tiredly, not bearing to handle this conversation with her anymore. It was killing him. Besides, there was nothing more that could be said. Nate turned around to go. ''It's enough that guilt is eating me alive.''

''Good,'' She shouted after him, her voice cracking. ''Good to know you have at least some conscience left!''

With that, she entered her limo and slammed the doors behind her. He stared at the car as it drove away, incredulous look on face. He sighed sadly, wishing he was able to talk to Serena and Chuck about it after all.

''Why did we stop here?'' Blair asked heatedly as the rain poured over the thin layer of snow, falling loudly on the hood of the limo. Drops raced each other over the window glass, blurring the view on Tropic club. Murky river trickled down the brink of the street and into abyss of drain. Her body wasn't pressed to his as usual, but at least he dared to look at her. Not with happiness, not with affection. His irises were so dark one couldn't see any emotion behind them.

''Blair,'' He spoke, her name bittersweet melody on his lips. ''We have to deal with that night.''

Her mind flashed back to the time fate caught up with her and brought merciless punishment. Drugs, flashing lights, his sateen sheets. Tears and messy hair. That night stamped her downfall and she experienced all the debauchery in one go, forced down upon her.

''We dealt with the part concerning us,'' She noted briskly, looking at the club cautiously. ''But here...''

''Everything went downhill here,'' He finished, shadow falling across his eyes at his own recollections of that night.

''It looks completely different.''

''Everything is always the same here,'' He sighed and took her hand is his own. He was hesitant, but after few moments, he squeezed it - not out of comfort to Blair, but out of comfort to himself. Valet opened the doors and ushered them inside. The club was jointed with the restaurant.

The restaurant was different than Millennium hotel. All the Manhattan golden youth seemed to gravitate towards this spot on the island. The air was different, much more casual and vivacious. Ostentatious, even. Millennium was about money, Tropic was about fame. She could feel everyone's eyes on her as if they remembered who she was. As if everyone was there when she took that damned pill. Or maybe it was all just her fancy.

She held her head high as they passed through and finally sat down. Their table was private, with breathtaking view of New York skyline. It screamed luxury and prestige. Chuck waited until she settled down and sat himself. He seemed to sense her insecurity and, almost on instinct, stroked back of her hand that was stretched out on the table. Frowning, Blair noticed how uncertain he was of touching her.

''Everyone here is part of the night life,'' He assured, after they ordered the food. ''And everything is forgotten in the morning. Every day we begin anew.''

''You're part of the night too,'' Blair added with a dose of ice, withdrawing her hand and remembering Saturday night. Resentment boiled and flew to surface at the thought he never told her about his weekend and the fact that he was out. How much had he sinned, only to wake up in the morning and go on as if nothing ever happened? What did his darkness have to hide that she did not know of?

He was night, she was light.

''Did you forget that?''

''I did,'' He replied firmly, his ebony eyes focused only on her. He leaned closer to her over the table, inhaling the same air she exhaled. She glanced up, lost in the way he looked at her - as if she was made of stardust. ''I forgot everything that's not you. You're all that matters to me.''

Chuck said the words with such intensity that left her feeling barren and overfilled with emotion at the same time. She looked at the lines of his face and saw her destiny written in them. It was daring her to reach out - and take it.

He stroked her cheek with his thumb - without hesitation - sending shivers down her spine. She smiled involuntarily, leaning into his hand. Every bad feeling between them burst into the air and fled between cracks and nooks into the gray storm outside. Their mouth met in the middle in a tender kiss, fueled with suppressed urges and hidden insecurities.

Waiter cleared his throat and muttered an apology as they parted, but their hands once again linked in mutual agreement. Stars were aligned with planets and everything was perfect again. They ate their lunch with appetite. Blair dared to expertly steal a piece of truffle off his plate.

''Sharing is caring,'' She cheekily said before grazing the truffle with her teeth and gulping it down. She smirked at his incredulous look.

''I agree,'' He nodded, trying to steal some of her calamari fritto off her side - with no success. She was simply too good at this. Blair kept pushing his fork aside with her own, the sound of metal against metal drowning in the murmur of restaurant.

She giggled, enjoying the game very much. Most particularly, she enjoyed the way he finally laughed with ease. Whatever was bothering him today seemed to lift off of his shoulders and leave them to revel in affection they had for each other. They didn't notice how all of the heads turned in their direction - curious at what was happening. Who dare interrupt the harmony of forced formalities and polite laughs?

Chuck dropped down his fork and pouted, looking at her from under the eyelashes. She finally sighed in contentment as he gave up, still beaming at his adorable sulking look.

''Stop torturing me,'' He said.

The sentence seemed to have a hidden double meaning, and she was left feeling breathless.

''Very well,'' She conceded and picked a fritto with her silver fork, shaking off the power of his sultry gaze.

Chuck's eyes narrowed in caution and she taunted with delicious piece of fried squid. His mouth watered, thinking how he never liked the dish until he saw her taste it in pleasure.

''Come closer,'' She whispered teasingly and his body reacted immediately. Chuck's broad shoulders leaned towards her, his tongue licking corners of his mouth. They parted as she titled forward, her hand carrying the fork towards his expectant lips. His buds were more than ready for the savory goodness, but one quick flash of Blair's eyes warned him of a trick - all too late.

With impudent grin on her face, she quickly pulled the fork from his mouth and ate the last piece of squid, chewing it with tempting indulgence. Her eyes half-closed in enjoyment, savoring the taste. Small moan escaped her and breath hitched in his throat at the sound. He watched her with eyes of a hawk.

Chuck couldn't get enough of her, every nerve of his body pulled her to him. He closed the distance between them impatiently and planted a kiss on her mouth. Slowly pulling away from her blushing face, he licked his lips and tasted the fritto on them.

''Delicious,'' Chuck smirked and pulled black to finish his truffles, leaving her stunned.

''I know,'' Intercepted Blair as Nate's mouth were barely opened. ''She told me. You're not interested in parenthood.''

He walked alongside just as she left class and they both strolled towards one of the corners in need for seclusion and lately out of habit. ''I'm not ready for that,'' He simply shrugged. ''I can't be a father.''

''It's a decision we both have to make and be ready for,'' Nate went on and Chuck exited the office nearby, his face falling immediately at the sight of them. His steps were slow and deliberate as he approached without them being aware of him.

''We have to love each other for that. Talk to her. She doesn't want to listen to me.''

''You do understand what you're asking of me?'' Blair questioned with arched eyebrow. ''It's ultimately her decision.''

''It's a decision that could ruin not just both of our lives, but all three of us.''

The knife that hung over Nate's head silenced them and they stared at each other; one in pity, other in desperation. Faltering footsteps shook them out of daze and they turned around to find Chuck next their side, his skin pale as a chalk. ''What's going on?''

''Nothing,'' The scheming duo said in union and Chuck stiffened at the obvious guilt in Nate's gaze. Blair was a far better actress than him.

Nate mumbled something about class and disappeared, shooting her a grateful look. Chuck stood rooted to the spot, his eyes gradually darkening. She noticed his sinister mood crept it's way back.

What was causing his moodiness?

''Are we going to have another fight?'' She asked peevishly, annoyed by his lack of loving attention.

''I don't know,'' He snapped, eyes narrowing. ''Do we have to?''

She paused, outright offended at the rude tone of his voice. She whispered viciously, ''I've asked you hundred times what's going on with you, and you won't tell me.''

Chuck set his jaw, torn between trust and jealousy. After a second, succumbing under power of her doe-like eyes, his face softened and he opened his mouth to say something. In that moment, Blair's phone rang. Nate's ID flashed on screen and she deliberately let the phone ring, pressing it hard to her chest.

When she looked up, Chuck's face was as hard as it was before.

''Go then,'' She sighed wearily. ''Let me know when you actually want to talk. Just hope I still care to know by then.''

He stared at the phone in her hands. Chuck saw Nate's ID, yet she tried to hide it. His lip pressed together and he stormed off without another word.

He was furious. He was confused. He was aching. Serena filled his mind with this affair and she fervently stuck to the idea, fueling it as they sat in her living room. Chuck couldn't bear to listen to it, despite the massive evidence and continuous supporting claims. Didn't he hear them this afternoon right after class? Weren't they whispering about, talking about stuff that made him want to blow up.

Secret meetings? Phone calls?

''What are you waiting for?'' Serena demanded, completely livid. ''Call them out.''

Chuck Bass lost his cool for no one.

He tore away from her and drove straight to the suspect himself. Nate opened doors wide open and welcomed him with wide arms. They drank, as they often did when one of them was feeling down. He couldn't hate him. Nate was his best friend. He'd never do that to him. Tonight, they both seemed to be dancing the same dance. Dejection settled over them like a choking blanket. They bathed in sweat of despair, their mouth sealed shut.

What if Nate really did love Blair? Could he do this to Nate? Could he let him have her?

No, he couldn't. He couldn't let anyone have Blair. Nate could take whoever he wanted, beside her. There's was a string tied from his heart to her and sometimes it tugged at his chest in blinding pain.

''She's worth of it,'' Nate slurred, downing his glass. He sensed what was bothering him without any question. Didn't Nate and he have a bond? Weren't they brothers? ''You knew Blair was difficult. Yet you stuck to her, you fought for her. Remember the beginnings and how it all started.''

He remembered the beginnings too well. It was the only thing stopping him from blowing up. He didn't want to let Blair go. He was ready to stand against the world to fight for her. Was he naive? Perhaps. But there was entirely different emotion playing with strings of his heart. Never before had he experienced it and it made no grand entrance. It sneaked upon him and only made itself known when the bell sounded an hour of peril.

That's why he was standing, tipsy, at midnight, in front of her house. Limo was suffocating him, it seemed empty without her perfume and sound of her laughter. He stared at window of her floor as he dialed. ''I'm right outside.''

''What?'' She mumbled groggily, sleep and fatigue clinging to the ends of her words.

''Meet me outside in ten? Even for a minute.''

There was a pause and he was suddenly terrified she'd say no. Tonight, whole world was on his shoulders and for once - burden was too heavy to bear. He needed her. He needed her to make him whole again. World tore him like a rabid dog. Serena ripped one piece of him and Nate the other. Chuck did what he had never done before, he pleaded. ''Please - just come.''

He hung up, frightened of her rejection. He had often heard the phrases from his own parents.

I have no time. Later. I'm in the middle of something important.

Words shot like arrows into his heart and he let out a shaky breath, creating white mist in front of him. He finally saw her, in pajamas and a coat, exit the entrance and all fears rose to sky into black abyss. Snowflakes fell on her chocolate hair, creating a wintry crown. Her cheeks were rosy from the cold and her eyes were worried.

Chuck pulled her to him, not wasting a second. He hugged her tiny frame and after a shocked pause - she hugged him back. A surprised laugh escaped her, muffled by his coat, and he buried his nose deeper into her hair. Chuck finally felt complete. He kissed the top of her head and ushered her in the limo.

''You're trembling,'' He noticed, scooping her up in his lap and rubbing his hands over her forearms.

''I'm not cold,'' Blair whispered, brown eyes sparkling with excitement. He looked at the red tip of her nose and slightly chapped lips.

''What have you done to me?'' Chuck murmured, brushing his mouth alongside her jaw. His heart raced madly, every atom in body aching for this creature beside him. His tongue played with her bottom lip, her fingers clutching his coat for life. ''I'm falling for you so hard.''

Her eyes widened delicately, every lash as dear to him as stars on the sky. Blair smiled, her pearly whites bright in the darkness of the limo. She flung her arms around him, like those ladies in Renaissance pictures did around necks of their lovers, and kissed him in such manner that he forgot his own name. Too soon, she left him, breathing heavily and drunk for more.

''Thanks,'' Said Blair as Nate lowered down cup of coffee on the table. It wasn't paper cup, like majority of hospitals provided. Coffee was rich and spread delicious aroma. She was in the private waiting room of private hospital outside of Manhattan, drinking private coffee from her private cup - only the best for senator's grandson and his unpleasant accidents.

Penelope was in the surgery room, suffering the procedure to get rid of unwanted mistake. She cried a river that morning on her way there, clutching Blair's forearm, begging her for forgiveness and sobbing about some video. Blair was in too good mood not to forgive her, feeling sorry for her already.

''This is a nightmare,'' Nate sighed, rubbing his temples. He had bags under his eyes, his hair was messy and tousled from raking it constantly. ''I messed up, big time. How am I to forget this day?''

''Nightmare?'' She scoffed, angrily setting the glass down on the table. ''She's having a surgery and you think what you're going through is a nightmare?''

''No, I can't do this,'' He choked out, face paling. ''I'm sorry.'' Nate rose and pulled his credit card out of the wallet, his hands shaking.

''I can't bear to see her as she gets out. Here, it's for hospital bill. PIN is 1994. ''

Blair stared at the card for a second before she snatched it out of his hand and rose furiously. She shoved the card back into his chest. ''You're not going anywhere, Nate Archibald. Take it. When she opens her eyes, let her see you - not this. Don't be so selfish.''

The words were maybe cruel, but the situation allowed them. Nate took the card and dropped back in his seat, swallowing loudly.

I'm really angry and confused.

-C,

She read text as her phone turned on. Call log showed there were 7 missed calls, all from Chuck. Blair groaned inwardly, thinking how he was still unaware of this escapade. She just disappeared for a whole day and he was worried. Did he wait for her in front of home to give her a ride to class?

Probably.

Tingles of guilty happiness spread over her chest at the feeling that she was needed by him. Will she ever get used to the feeling?

I'm with my friend, Georgina. I'll call you when I get home. Sorry,

B x

They just settled things down yesterday and the pot had already been stirred. Blair skipped class that day to be with Penelope and Nate. They insisted, begging for her and she promised them to do it, feeling herself too involved in the matter already. When the surgery was done, she couldn't tell which one looked or felt worse. Penelope was pale as a ghost, her cheeks hollow and her eyes still dazed with sedative.

''I don't want my dad to see me like this,'' She rasped, heaving loudly. ''Take me home with you, please.''

Blair flushed with shame as she thought about her own small flat with two miniature rooms. How could she let her there?

Finally, Nate offered her his own place. Penelope agreed to two conditions: 1) that he left, and 2) that Blair stayed with her.

With a heavy heart, she agreed. Blair was sure her sunken face would haunt her dreams if she refused and Nate didn't look much different. As they rode in his limo, Blair noticed how comfortable she started to feel around him. Blair didn't perceive him as one of TFB anymore, he was just Nate.

They were outside, in front of his apartment, and he held her up before going in. Snow drifted around them, landing softly on the ground.

''I didn't abuse you enough today? Up for more?'' She asked with a small smile, breathing more easily as the scheme was nearing it's end. Finally, she would be able to spend more time with Chuck.

''I think we've been abusing you these past few days,'' He smiled, his expression and feeling mirroring hers. ''It's been tough, for all of us. I don't think you know how grateful I am.''

She nodded and looked up to him, ''Just don't make me go through it again.''

He laughed out loud, ''I won't,'' And surprised her with a hug. It was a motion of relief and friendship which she welcomed with a grin on her face. This misfortune didn't necessarily make friends of them, but it brought them closer and she was glad someone like Nate became part of her life. He left, leaving them spare keys and Penelope settled on the couch, dreadfully avoiding the bedroom.

Blair watched Penelope sleep, apartment dark except the light in the kitchen. They were alone among the boyish furniture, shelves scattered with pictures of Nate, Chuck and Serena.

Late in the evening, doorbell rang. Penelope stirred from her sleep, ''Nate's back already? Don't let him in. I don't want to see him.''

''Check the spy hole,'' She grumbled, more serious. ''It's like a hotel in here.''

Blair rose on her tiptoes and figures on the other side rooted her to spot. Her heart sped up, panic shocking her entire body. ''It's Chuck and Serena.''

Penelope swore, rubbing her forehead. ''Let's turn off the lights.''

''They already saw them from the street. I'll call Nate.''

''He's probably showering,'' Came deep voice from the other side.

Bell rang few more times impatiently and Serena answered dubiously. ''Probably.''

''Nate,'' Blair whispered urgently as she dialed his number, careful not to be heard. ''They're in front of doors. Do something!''

''Fuck,'' He muttered, knowing already who they were. The only two people they carefully hid the matter from. ''Okay, hang up. I'll take care of it.''

''Serena, he's not at home,'' They heard Chuck sigh tiredly, leaning on the wall.

''I think he is, lights are on.''

Chuck's phone rang and he answered.

''It's Nate, he's outside with someone,'' he explained to Serena, strange relief in his eyes, as he hung up. ''I guess we'll have to finish our project tomorrow.''

Chuck left without another word, but Serena stared at the doors with narrowed eyes. Blair's heart beat loudly in her ears, as she stared back though small glass. It felt like Serena could see her. Finally, she walked away and girls on the other side of the doors shared a smile only two former friends setting everything aside could share. They went to sleep and Nate came back somewhere in the night. In the morning, Penelope took a cab to go home to recover and Nate gave Blair a lift to class.

''What are you two doing together?'' Serena's eyes widened, watching them exit the car in front of Constance.

''I was hailing a cab when Nate saw me,'' Lied Blair with practiced airiness, her face completely indifferent.

''And prince came to the rescue,'' Serena smiled tightly, brushing a hair behind her ear.

Nate bowed in mockery and put on his sunglasses, beaming. Despite the morning frost, New York sun was bright on the sky.

''Not last night,'' She pointed out, arching her brow. ''Chuck and I came to your place, but you weren't there. Though I could swear I heard voices on the other side of the doors. How strange, right?''

Devil himself exited his limo and walked towards them. Blair was so relieved that the plot reached it's end in relative peace without any calamities. She grabbed his red scarf and tugged at it, pulling Chuck close and planting a kiss on his lips. He was left stunned, boyish smile spreading across his mouth.

''Chuck,'' Serena interrupted the moment. ''Imagine my shock when I saw Blair get out of Nate's car.''

Chuck stared at the blond, sharing a look with her. Blair repeated the same story, giving her evil eye and not hiding it.

Chuck seemed to shake out of the dark daze and he led her away from them. ''Let's get away,'' He spoke in a rush as they walked through courtyard. ''Let's just leave.''

''Let's do it, Blair,'' He stopped, completely serious, almost desperate. ''No suitcases, just as we are. Let's fly away where we like.''

''I can't,'' She groaned, catching up on his excitement, the feeling humming through her body. If her situation at home was different, she would be crazy enough to follow him to the end of the world. ''You know how my parents are.''

He closed his eyes, as if trying to suppress the violent emotions and dreams boiling within him, and reluctantly nodded. ''Let's compromise. How about just until your class starts?''

''That's in two hours,'' She drew out, elation simmering on her skin at his mischievous looks.

''Deal,'' Chuck said quickly and pulled a silky black blindfold out of the inside pocket of his coat.

A/N: To the reader who said how all this Penelope-Nate stuff is sad, but completely unrelated to Chair... Everything I write, every little thing and minor character will sooner or later be related to Chair. All secrets that we think forgotten will resurface and characters will just go crazier and crazier. I think I should be responsible for your therapy sessions later on ):