Chapter 20

Everybody hurts

"Waiting patiently doesn't suit you. I can see you have a great deal of water in your personality. Water never waits. It changes shape and flows around things, and finds the secret paths no one else has thought about."

Despite the relatively calm day in New York, cold breeze wafted around her skirt as she stepped out of the limo. His strong perfume was the only familiarity in infinite darkness. Pressure of his hand on hers was comforting, confidently guiding her through the unknown. His other hand curved around her small waist, holding her from blowing up with the excitement.

''Can I take off the blindfold?'' Blair asked impatiently, clutching his wrist on her belly for support.

''Not yet,'' His chuckle was low, brushing her earlobe. ''Watch your step now.''

Her shin leaned against something metallic and she paused in caution. Pressure on her hand dropped and she sensed his fingers traveling up her arm, down her waist, around the curve of her thigh and stop behind the knee. The movement felt sensual. Something intimate that had no place in public eye.

She suppressed a shudder and heard him exhale deeply. He lightly pushed the inside of her knee and she bent it, as if climbing stairs. Solid metal sounded beneath her heel.

With his help, she climbed somewhere where wind died out. He gently sat her down and she ran her hands across smooth leather. ''What about now?''

There was a sound of doors being closed. Her heart skipped a beat, fearing she was left alone. ''Chuck?''

''I'm here.'' He squeezed her thigh lightly.

Humming with anticipation she bit her lip, pressing his hand. All of a sudden, strange noise filled the space they were in, as if coming from outside. It was loud, slow beating at first that gradually turned faster until it blurred into one constant buzz. Her seat shook and she swayed, feeling as if she was on a boat. ''What's happening?!''

Blair felt him lean in and untie the blindfold. Elation sparked at his touch and filled her whole being. Darkness fell from her eyes only to reveal most breathtaking view ever. Nothing could prepare her for it. Manhattan glistened under their eyes, coated in fresh gleaming snow. Central park was a miniature winter wonderland, lake reflecting sun in thousand of tiny diamonds.

''Oh, my God!''

They were in a helicopter, flying across gray city, just a reach from the clouds. Little boats underneath them seared the water, leaving white foaming lines in their wake. For a moment, she felt like if she jumped out, wind would carry her and she would soar between skyscrapers.

Blair was left speechless.

''I can't believe you did this for me,'' She finally managed to say, touching the window with tips of her fingers. She felt not like a princess, not like a queen - but like a goddess.

People were so small she couldn't even see them. Cars lined up in several tracks across magnificent Brooklyn bridge. Everything seemed like puzzle pieces fitting into one big enchanting picture. Whole world was beneath their feet, they were untouchable here.

''I'd do anything for you.'' He replied quietly, softly gazing at her from under his lashes.

And she believed him.

Blair felt warmth spread through her body, starting in her belly. She slowly leaned towards him, taking her time and holding his eyes.

''Chuck,'' She whispered, stroking his cheek with her thumb. There was something powerful and restless rolling in her chest, wanting to break free. She imagined if someone was to stick a needle in her, starlight would pour out of her. She opened her mouth to say something, anything that would give justice to that raving sensation.

However, it could not be put into words. It stopped at her throat, clouding her head and intoxicating her with the aroma.

Chuck touched her hand and leaned his forehead against hers. ''I know.''

Whatever she felt, he seemed to feel too. Blair studied his mouth, inhaled his breath, wanting to press herself as close to him as humanly possible. She wanted to melt herself into him. She wanted to burn and ignite. As if he'd been waiting all day to do it, Chuck kissed her, holding her closer. His tongue glided against hers, breaking her gentleness with feverish passion.

They shared this moment of heaven up in the sky, far away from lies and mess that awaited them on the ground.

''I'll never forget this,'' She murmured against his skin. ''Never.''

''I talked to her last night,'' Blair said to Nate as they walked together to lounge room between classes. ''I strongly recommended massage and aromatherapy. Same goes to you too. ''

She was overwhelmed with feathery, warm feeling that settled in her stomach. Today, the world was full of love and grace, so full that Blair had some to spare for Nate and Penelope. Images of Manhattan still grasped at the end of her eyelids, permanently settling in her brain. Sweetness of Chuck's kiss imprinted in her memory forever, put away in secret drawer of her most cherished recollections.

''She said she was fine. Even mentioned she might come to class tomorrow.''

''Good,'' Nate nodded in satisfaction, amusedly staring at the hearts in Blair's eyes. ''You seem very happy today.''

''I am,'' She beamed, not realizing she had been smiling like a fool ever since the helicopter ride. ''I'm in-,'' The rest of the sentence stuck somewhere under her collarbone. Nate raised eyebrows and she blushed, clearing throat.

''Why shouldn't I be happy? I'm smart, I'm beautiful and I have the most amazing boyfriend.''

''Right,'' He laughed, lightly nudging her. ''So where's our prince charming today?''

''Went to see Serena, some kind of emergency,'' She answered as they sat down for the table, joining Paige and Anthony. The latter due fell silent, their talk suddenly dying out. Anthony awkwardly nodded to Nate and Paige definitely turned away her head from Blair.

''I'll call him,'' Nate knotted his eyebrows, not noticing anything. ''Just to check everything's okay.''

Except, everything was not okay.

They first heard tires screeching, a piercing sound in the quiet afternoon of campus. Lazy murmur in the room died out to an anticipating silence. After few moments, someone madly ran down the stairs from ground floor, hurried steps echoing threateningly. Chuck rushed down with wind-swept hair and black coat wide open, revealing blue Polo shirt underneath.

He didn't even look at Blair as he grabbed Nate's collar and punched him so hard the boy fell down on the floor. Crimson blood trailed down broken lip, his eyes wide in shock.

''Chuck,'' She screamed, jumping up from chair as table forcefully shifted from under her.

''What the hell-'' Anthony, Nate's lacrosse teammate, quickly ran to friend's aid - but in vain. There seemed to be a vicious strength pulsing through Chuck's veins, making his eyes look wild and his whole face feral. He shoved the lacrosse player out of his way and landed another punch.

''Chuck,'' His best friend choked, coughing up blood. ''Stop-.''

There was no getting through to him. It was like he went berserk. He mercilessly punched the blond again, pushing him back on the floor. Serena came running after Chuck and froze at the brutal scene, horror on her face.

Blair was scared he was going to kill Nate, his own best friend. Moreover, she was terrified he would hurt himself. Chuck was always so cool and collected and now, as he went out of control, Blair was frightened of the things he might do.

Despite the fear, she threw herself in the middle of two best friends. Trying to avoid his fist, she pushed Chuck's chest to throw him off. But Blair was petite and Chuck was raving with madness. He lunged for Nate and she pushed him again, almost toppling on Nate in process. ''Stop it, Chuck!''

It was as if he only saw her then. There was no shock, no regret in his expression. His eyes flashed with scorn. Breathing heavily, Chuck snatched something from Serena's grip and shoved it in Blair's hands. His knuckles were red and bloody. She caught the paper, her eyes scanning the pictures with increasing dread. Nate got off the floor with Antony's help and he joined Blair.

SENATOR'S GRANDSON, FAMOUS NATE ARCHIBALD, CAUGHT IN HEATED ENCOUNTER WITH MYSTERIOUS BRUNETTE

On page six were their pictures and a full two-page article. It was so absurd to see herself in a magazine. She felt like she was looking at someone else, a stranger. But it was plain, to whomever knew her, that it was her. Words blurred as she focused on images. She didn't want to know what the article said. It was all lies anyway. Something to feed obsessed people like Georgina.

There were multiple pictures of Nate and Blair, hugging in front of his home. One picture even looked like they were kissing. It was a trick of perception. Media manipulation. She wore a smile on her face, enveloped in Nate's embrace, and memory flashed back. It was the day she stayed at Archibald flat with Penelope.

Back then, Nate hugged her in gratitude and someone made a grotesque out of the gesture. It ruined something good, something beautiful. Pictures were bad quality, almost filmy and zoomed in, as if taken from a hiding place.

She glanced at Nate, his lip split open and bleeding, his eye slowly starting to bruise. There was a frown on his face that he'd probably never be able to take off all his life. It all felt like some stupid silly game and she found herself being the pawn. Blair looked up with quivering lip, ''Chuck?''

Everyone was gathered around them, staring as if watching some show on a TV. Nobody really cared that they were tearing soul out of her chest. Nobody cared that they were playing with their hearts.

He was gone. Nate ripped the paper in pieces and kicked a nearby chair with agonizing growl. The scheme blew up in their faces. They were guilty, but not of the accused crime.

Her legs ran on their own accord and all she could think about was that kiss in the sky this morning. It all seemed too perfect and far away.

''Chuck,'' She finally caught up with him on the parking lot, heading towards the limo. She desperately grabbed his arm and he flinched away from her touch in disgust. The action left her frozen, something in her chest slowly ripped. Her voice was both angry and terrified at the same time. ''How can you believe it?''

''I saw you!'' He snarled, his eyes as dark as onyx. ''I saw you together and you lied about it!''

Breath hitched in her throat.

''When you told me you were at the hotel, I was looking at you two together! You lied to me and I was stupid enough to believe you.''

She tried to say something, to defend herself, but wasn't able to produce a syllable. Her tongue refused to cooperate. She imagined how he must have been feeling these past few days, knowing she was lying to him and refusing to believe it. Single tear made it's way down her porcelain cheek and she didn't bother to wipe it off.

''You made me look like an idiot! I didn't want to trust my own eyes.''

''I trusted Nate,'' His words were blades, covered in venom. ''I trusted you.''

She took a tenacious step towards him and he took a step back. Her hands shook as if holding a weight she couldn't support. Chuck took a deep shaky breath and looked away. Guilt ate away at her chest, his words like acid spilling over her soul. He was broken and she was the one to blame.

''Nate,'' His voice broke while looking back at her, his brows scrunched up. ''Nate was my best friend. He was like a brother to me. How could you?''

''Chuck,'' She gulped down the tears, clinging at the lapels of his coat as if holding for dear life. ''I swear that's not true. Why didn't you ask me?''

''What would you have said? More lies?'' His trembling fingers took hers and for a moment - he hesitated. Blair thought he was going to take them and warm them up in his pocket, like he used to. They were cold. They were ice cold. How could he not see they were cold? His gaze was penetrating, and something in it still beckoned to her. ''I loved you.''

''So much,'' His whisper trembled and his eyes, once so warm and full of love, were now nothing but a starless sky. A wall between her and what could have been.

The declaration was like a punch in the gut. He loved her?

Her vision blurred and she swayed, heartbeat slowing down to a stop. She should have felt happy, but instead she felt devastated, crushed.

He loved her and she hurt him. She played him. He only found out half of the lies. Other half still lay hidden, buried under her skin.

''I put you on a pedestal, I didn't dare touch you-,'' He paused and swallowed. Chuck wrenched her fingers away and straightened his coat. Another tear stained the other cheek and she could feel whole world falling apart beneath her feet. He snarled, curling his upper lip, ''And for whom? For someone like you?''

Words hung in painful silence. She stared at him through teary eyes, her fists clutched around her stomach. She was scared her body would collapse and melt in a muddy puddle.

''Fuck,'' Chuck swore, barking a bitter laugh. ''I should have seen this coming.''

''Chuck,'' She whimpered, trying to reach for him again.

''Go to hell,'' He spat, turned around and left. She stared at his retreating figure, unable to move. She couldn't bear to see him look disgusted by her. She couldn't endure another rejection.

''It's not true!'' She screamed after him, her cheeks wet with tears. He didn't even turn around and limo drove off.

Blair picked up her bag off the floor and went home. Tears stopped with his departure, as if too proud of anybody seeing them but him. Pain crawled in her ears and filled her sight with black spots. She blinked and found herself in front of her building. Blair entered the lobby and saw flash of dark hair.

''Nice one. Good looking boyfriend; rich and handsome,'' Georgina exclaimed with a malicious smile. She waved around the paper. ''You're famous now.''

Despite offhand attitude, her eyes were brimming with jealousy. Blair went past her like a zombie, her whole mind and body numb. She dropped in bed, without dinner, and stared at the wall until morning.

''Let me put some ice on that,'' Offered Serena, sitting down next to him on couch.

''Forget that,'' Nate snatched frozen ice pack from her hands and threw it away. ''Did you show Chuck the magazine?''

She pressed her lips together, ''I didn't want it to turn out like this.''

''You didn't think to ask me first?'' He demanded, his face swollen with purple spots. He was angry and confused.

''Nate, I tried to reason with you back on the parking lot. I tried to talk to you countless of times,'' Retorted Serena, snatching back the ice. ''It's like she put a spell on you. You refused to listen to me. Instead, you rubbed it in my face!''

Nate stared at her for few moments. His mind worked, trying to remember when exactly did they talk about this issue. After a while, his memories of the parking lot and Serena's outburst at Penelope's pregnancy settled down the hazy dust.

''You...'' This was so sad and pathetic that it bordered on comical. ''The whole time, you were talking about this?''

She was talking about this so called affair, when he was dealing with unwanted teenage pregnancy? Universe had a terrible sense of humor.

''All your questions were about this? About Blair and me?''

Another grotesque laugh escaped his mouth. His wound on lip opened at the movement and blood poured in small trickles. He turned away from her, feeling hurt an furious.

''Get out,'' Nate muttered.

''Nate-,'' Serena cried out in disbelief.

''I said get out,'' He grit through his teeth angrily, closing his eyes. He was fed up with his friends' lack of confidence in him, games and life. After Serena unwillingly left, he dialed grandfather's number and requested him to find out who took a picture of them.

Blair was miserable when she showed up to campus next day. Everyone once again stared at her, but she couldn't bring herself to care. There was no comfort or warmth in gray clouds above. Weather seemed to sympathize at least. Her whole body still felt numb, guilt seeping through her bones. Guilt of her unspoken lies. Guilt of dragging Chuck and Nate down with her. Guilt of breaking his heart. Guilt of breaking her own heart.

Maybe this was for the better. Maybe she should stay away from them. She was a mess. A liar.

Chuck called her a liar and he wasn't aware how right he was. She was a ship anchored on land, thinking herself riding the waves.

''Are you happy now?'' She barely registered the Earthly Venus, hands on her hips. Blair blinked against light of her sun, letting scorching heat burn whites of her tired eyes. ''We were inseparable before you. Nothing will ever be the same again.''

Blair gulped down another ruined world, down to the worms in her guts. Her voice was raspy, ''We didn't do anything.''

At least she was innocent of this crime. Everything else was her fault.

She blinked again, but Serena wasn't there anymore.

Day was spent in sighs and unshed tears. At least her family didn't read this kind of stuff. They looked down on trivial public affairs, thinking magazines a waste of time. If they found out, she'd be dead.

Classes blurred into one big ceremony of changing classrooms. Her eyes kept searching for his face in the crowd. Her heart broke again and again when she couldn't find him. Not that she'd know what to say to him. Not that she'd approach him. Blair wouldn't dare come close to him again. Memory of Chuck recoiling from her was burned into her very being.

That was what she'd been dreading ever since meeting him. Saltiness filled her mouth and she rolled her tongue in distaste. Blair wiped the drop of blood off of her bitten lip.

Finally, as the final class wrapped up, she saw him in the lobby with Serena, at the other end of the room. He was carefully dressed, but his eyes were devoid of that mischievous sparkle. She kept staring at him, longing to touch him, to kiss him, to whisper I'm sorry over and over again. His blank stare turned towards her. Terror passed though her body at the ice in his eyes.

She blinked, he was gone.

Blair went to hotel after class to do her shift. She absentmindedly put on work outfit for the last time while her mind traveled back to Serena's birthday. Chuck's secret touches under the table still gave her goosebumps. She opened her eyes and shuddered, forcing down the tears. Will the rest of her life be spent like this? Drunk on the nostalgia of his presence?

Somehow, she didn't mind.

''What do you want?'' Nate demanded as he opened the doors. He had a slight stubble on his jaw, but eyes were clear and sharp.

''Can we talk?'' Serena asked, looking at his injured lip in concern. The purple color subdued, leaving a mean red line. ''Please?''

He sighed and let her in the hallway.

She bit her cheek, ''Okay, I was angry, but it's all in the past now.'' Her voice was soft and sad, ''When I saw you lying on the floor... I -. Please come back to class. Come back to us.''

''Serena,'' He spoke, looking her straight in the eyes. ''Get out.''

She put her hand on his shoulder, determined to make things right between them. ''What's going on with you?''

Nate looked at her hand and shook his head. ''Flawless. Acting; A+. If you took SATs, I swear you'd score scholarship. Lilly wouldn't have to donate a library wing.''

She dropped her hand immediately, as if burned.

He leaned on the wall, looking at her with crossed arms. ''I know everything. I know you did it. I know you bribed that paparazzo, to photograph us and post it in that magazine.''

She stood there for several moments, opening mouth to say something and closing them immediately after that. Finally, she turned around to face him, anger, resentment and hurt swimming in green of her orbs. ''Yes, I did it. I was furious with you. I couldn't forgive you. I hate her for what she's done! I knew you two were secretly meeting each other. I knew you'd see each other again.''

Nate simply nodded at this outburst, realizing she was still believing he had an affair with Blair. She didn't even ask him if it was true. Neither did Chuck. They didn't care to hear his side of the story. They just came at them, burning bridges and themselves along with it.

''I don't care what you or Chuck think,'' He gritted through his teeth. ''You're both nothing to me now.''

She stared at him with those wide eyes and he felt a pang of pain in his chest.

He shut the door in her face before she managed to change his mind again. He pulled on his hair and sank down on the floor, leaning against the doors.

That night, Chuck sat in the living room, drinking himself to oblivion. He stared at the wall, urge to annihilate every single feeling he had was ever consuming. He hated Nate. He hated himself. He tried to hate... her. Chuck didn't dare think of her name. It only worsened this anxiety in his chest that he did something terribly wrong. Doorbell rang and he lazily got up, wobbling to open it up.

''Look,'' Serena grinned, leaning heavily on door frame. Her make up was smeared with tears, her hair a blond mess. She held up a bottle of wine in one hand, ''Look what I've brought you.''

She stumbled towards him and almost fell. He grasped her elbow and took the bottle. It was empty.

''Are you okay?'' He asked, setting the bottle down on the floor. Serena looked up at him, haunted by some horror she wouldn't dare speak out loud. She stared into his eyes and he waited patiently. Her lips parted and she leaned in. For a moment, he thought she was crazy enough to kiss him.

Instead, agonizing sob escaped her lips and she buried her head in the crook of his shoulder, shaking with anguish. He was stunned at first. Chuck was too involved into his own destruction not to notice anything around him. Serena lost a best friend too.

These past few days were spent drinking himself to sleep and trying to block out memories of her. Serena's pain pulled him out of that revelry for a moment and he took her upstairs, laying her on a guest room bed. Just like the old times, he thought to himself.

Except it wasn't, bitterness bit hard. Nothing could be like it was before.

In the morning, he just got out of shower when doorbell rang. He pulled a towel over his torso and went into the lobby. Penelope walked into Bass penthouse, biting her fingernails nervously.

He silently glared at her. Chuck couldn't fathom what he had to do with this girl. Nate's sex life didn't interest him anymore. Neither did Blair's list of former friends.

''Blair lied to you,'' She fired away immediately. The sound of her name was like a fist clenching around his heart. It'd been days since anyone dared to say it in front of him. He set his jaw, resisting the urge to bash his head against the wall.

There was a sound of footsteps coming from the kitchen. Serena walked towards them, looking hungover in Chuck's Constance Uni sweatshirt and nibbling on a strawberry. There was no sign of welcome in her eyes, but she kept quiet, as if wanting to hear whatever was about to be said.

''You're kind of late to the party,'' Chuck growled, turning around to go.

''Because she didn't want to betray me,'' Penelope forced herself to finish and everyone stared at each other in suspicion. ''Look, she went to Nate's because of me. I was there that day too. Nate brought Blair and left us. It was just the two of us there.''

''How do we know Blair didn't tell you to say this?'' Chuck drawled, looking over his shoulder. ''You can show yourself out. Nobody wants you here.''

''Chuck,'' Serena warned, her voice small. ''Penelope, go on.''

''Chuck, I...'' She continued, her voice lowered down and eyes stuck on the ground. She didn't want Serena to know. Chuck was okay, but not Serena. Despite the barrier, she had to save Blair. Penelope owed her that much. ''I got pregnant. With Nate.''

Serena inhaled so fast she though her lungs would burst. There was an ominous silence.

''I aborted. Blair was with me all the time. She never abandoned me. She was even meeting Nate on my account. They both swore to me not to spill a word to anyone.''

She looked at both of them and shook her head, ''Blair did nothing wrong.'' With that, she disappeared. Heaviness occupied the room, filling every corner.

''I should have listened to Nate,'' Serena whispered in panic, burying her head in hands. ''I should have talked to him first. Nothing of this would have happened.''

Chuck's eyes were blank as he stared at the elevator doors. His heart raced, that anxious feeling inside tearing him apart, wanting to claw out of skeleton. Million memories flashed across his mind, million thoughts formed into a bubble and burst.

''This is all my fault.'' She put a hand over her mouth, rocking back and forth.

''No,'' He pinched the bridge of his nose. ''I'm the one that ruined everything.''

The words hung between them like a knife. He became painfully aware of his mistake. Chuck realized the only traitor was him.

''What happens now?''

Blair's eyes brimming with tears invaded darkness of his lids and he winced. He betrayed her. He didn't believe her. He didn't bother to ask. Or to listen.

Haunted by his insecurities and fear of getting hurt, he wrote them off without hesitation. This was all his fault. Just like rage and anger took over him when he saw magazine, guilt and shame replaced the feeling - stronger and mightier.

He nervously pulled fingers through his hair. Chuck took a bottle of scotch and poured himself a full glass. Alcohol numbed down the pain, but images of Blair still flashed in his mind.

He successfully managed to ruin the only good thing he had in his life.

Serena got up and stood next to him. She patted him on the shoulder. ''We'll fix this together.''

That night, Chuck came to Tropic early and planted himself on the bar. He took a nap before that to block out images and sober himself up, even for a bit. He sobered himself up only to take up another round of scotch, draining the supplies of his father's club. He was drunk before midnight arrived.

People close to him heard him repeatedly mutter a name, as his finger hovered above a number on his phone screen. But never did they see him make that call. Every time, he'd drop the phone and turn away from it.

Her name haunted him, eating him from the inside. Five letter. Five damned letter that made up his heaven and hell. Chuck didn't know how to fix this. He didn't know how to fix himself. Because that's what he had to do, if he ever planned to win her back.

Nate watched a movie on laptop, alone. His flat was utopia, but it was getting boring eating by himself and playing ps4. There was nobody to talk to. All his friends abandoned him, Serena betrayed him.

Doorbell rang. He hesitated at first, but then got up and saw Serena on the other side.

''Nate,'' She called out with small voice. ''Open the doors.''

He clenched his fists, resisting the urge to succumb. She ruined his friendship with Chuck, sacrificed him and Blair. Serena didn't care about him. She didn't care about anyone, but herself.

His phone rang in pocket, Serena's ID flashing on screen.

She hung up when she heard ringtone on the other side. ''See, your phone is ringing. Please, open up! I know you're in there.''

There was a prolonged painful silence. Nate thought she left. He dared to peek through spyhole and regretted immediately. She looked broken, her vigorous charm and thousand wattage smile nowhere to be seen.

''Why didn't you tell me about Penelope?'' She whimpered after a while, her voice thick. ''Why didn't you talk to me? If you told me, nothing of this would have happened.''

A heart-wrenching sob escaped her throat, coming from somewhere dark and gloomy. Nate pulled on his hair, not bearing to hear her like this. He cared for her still, despite everything. He cared for her, but he couldn't trust her.

''Nate,'' She cried, beating her palm against the doors. ''Please open up! It's not the same without you.''

She sank down on the floor and hugged her knees. On the other side, Nate leaned his burning forehead on cold wood.

''Nate,'' She whispered, as if frightened of something. ''I need you.''

He pressed heels of his palms against his eyes, seeing stars and fireworks. His fingers trembled, aching to open the doors and embrace her.

Her fists banged on the doors, sound faltering. She cried convulsively, her voice breaking. ''Open up! Nate, please let me in.''

''I want to be there for you,'' She bawled, every word piercing his soul. ''You can be there for me too. I need you. I need you so much.''

After years of secretly loving her, he finally heard everything he wished, but too late. Love he had for her vanished into thin air. Nothing was like before. Everything was shattered to pieces. He was listening to her sniffles, crying out to him, and he stared at the wall blankly. His heart ached, but his head refused to give in.

A/N: Happy (belated) anniversary, darling DIV-s! 1 year and 1 day since the chapter #1 of this fic! We've come a long way, huh? I just wanted to thank you for supporting this story and reading it, you guys are the best.