Later that night, after Munkustrap had gone on his errands, Bombalurina found herself being joined by a very sullen Rumpleteazer. "Still no luck with our Steel Knight then I take it?" She enquired, looking sympathetic.

Rumpleteazer shook her head sadly. "I think I might have blown it good and proper!" she confessed.

Bombalurina had a quiet think. What hadn't she tried yet? Then a smirk appeared on her lips. "Well, there is still one thing you could try," she ventured.

"What?" Rumpleteazer pleaded desperately. "I'm willing to try anything!"

"Rape him."

Rumpleteazer blinked. "You what?" Had she just heard her right?

"Yeah just rape him!" Bombalurina repeated as though it was the obvious thing to do, like breathing.

"I think that might be a bit extreme, Bombi, even for me!" Said Rumpleteazer, looking wholey unconvinced.

"Trust me!" Bombalurina assured her. "He might be as stubborn as a mule with a hangover, and yes, if you try to use force then he's bound to dig his heels in. But sometimes, when gentle persuasion fails, desperate measures are called for. And I have a little secret which I shall impart."

She dropped her voice down to a whisper, made sure no-one else was eavesdropping and spoke behind her paw, "If you touch him in the right spot (because let's face it, all toms have got one of those...places if you catch my drift!) at just the right time, there's no way he'll be able to refuse. He'll be eating out of your paw, I guarantee it!"

"I'm really not sure…" Rumpleteazer gulped.

"Look sweetie, I know Munkustrap very well," Bombalurina insisted. "He is just a male, nothing special. I've been around long enough to know all the tricks, and once you have too, you'll realise just how easy toms are to manipulate so long as you know which buttons to press."

"Oh yeah, and there's a huge part of Munkustrap that actually wants to say yes," she added.

Rumpleteazer's eyes widened. "Really?"

"Really," echoed Bombalurina with a sly wink, then muttered under her breath, "That's why I haven't given up yet!"

"Take it from me," she carried on knowingly. "He's a good tom. He likes to stick to his guns. Plus he's one the meagre few to actually possess moral compass, which is why I think he'd be good for you rather than... say Tugger...who doesn't have one at all!" She rolled her eyes as she said this.

"Anyway," she continued. "This moral compass of Munkustrap's is basically telling him that you are too young to face all the commitments that come with being a mother. Therefore, it is simply up to you to prove to him that you aren't."

"How am I doing so far?" Asked Rumpleteazer, looking hopeful.

Bombalurina chewed her lip and slowly shook her head. "Not so good sweetie."

Rumpleteazer's face fell and she hung her head, feeling thoroughly dejected. "I'll never have kittens of me own!" She sniffed.

"Not with a face like that you won't!" Bombalurina remarked. "Oh cheer up Tease! Bombi hasn't given up on you yet!" And she began to sing,

"Wishin' and hopin' and thinkin' and prayin'
Plannin' and dreamin' each night of his charms
That won't get you into his arms
So if you're lookin' to find love you can share
All you gotta do is hold him and kiss him and love him
And show him that you care
Show him that you care just for him
Do the things he likes to do
Wear your hair just for him, 'cause
You won't get him
Thinkin' and a-prayin', wishin' and a-hopin'
'Cause wishin' and hopin' and thinkin' and prayin'
Plannin' and dreamin' his kisses will start
That won't get you into his heart
So if you're thinkin' of how great true love is
All you gotta do is hold him and kiss him and squeeze him and love him
Yeah, just do it
And after you do, you will be his
You gotta show him that you care just for him
Do the things he likes to do
Wear your hair just for him, 'cause
You won't get him
Thinkin' and a-prayin', wishin' and a-hopin'
'Cause wishin' and hopin' and thinkin' and prayin'
Plannin' and dreamin' his kisses will start
That won't get you into his heart
So if you're thinkin' of how great true love is
All you gotta do is hold him and kiss him and squeeze him and love him
Yeah, just do it
And after you do, you will be his
You will be his
You will be his."

(Wishing and Hoping by Dusty Springfield)

It was Rumpleteazer's turn to smirk. "So. Where exactly is this 'spot' you're on about?" She asked.

"Come here," said Bombalurina, beckoning her closer. "I'll show you..."

The Wellington Arms was full of the usual crowd of post workers and social drinkers wanting a meal and a drink of either milk or a weak alcoholic drink known as Moonshine (a blend of water with a few drops of clear alcohol. That was all that was needed as anymore could make a cat seriously ill!) Some were up for a game of pool or darts, whereas others were there for the pie and football night. Every so often loud cheering, chanting or booing could be heard coming from the back room where testosterone filled males were congregating around a television screen.

Munkustrap stood at the bar, having just purchased a glass of Moonshine which he knocked back in one swift movement. He had just returned from Soho, having completed a particularly tough training session with his trainer The Great Rumpus Cat; who just so happened to live there. During the aforementioned training session he had learnt everything there was to know about knives and how to defend himself against them. It had been most productive, in fact. He hadn't been allowed to leave until Rumpus had been certain that every lesson had been drilled in. And drilled in they had been. As a result, Munkustrap was feeling that light headed ache that one tends to feel after a particularly gruelling activity and now all he wanted was a quiet drink. Chance would be a fine thing! "You doesn't normally drink, young Munkus," Asparagus commented. "Bin one of them nights has it?"

"To be honest, it's been one of those weeks," Munkustrap replied wearily. "Who's winning by the way?"

"One nil to Arsenal at the moment," said Asparagus.

"Queens is it?" He added.

"Oh? Who they playing?" Munkustrap enquired, although he was only mildly interested. He wasn't really up on football. He and the boys would have kick about now and again, but not as much as they used to. Nowadays it was just something to talk about in order to avoid talking about other things. In fact Munkustrap couldn't remember the last time he had looked at a ball let alone played with one!

"Yeah," he responded to the second question and gave a heavy sigh. "Bombalurina miscarried the second one. Still got one left though, so she's resting up in the infirmary to make sure she doesn't lose that too."

Asparagus looked deeply concerned. "Bet she's loving that," he said regretfully. "Tell her I sends me condolences to you both. Hope it all works out an that."

On a slightly more cheerful note, he added, "It's the big one tonight. Arsenal v Chelsea."

"Yeah, cheers, I'll pass that on," Munkustrap replied, struggling to keep the despondent tone out of his voice.

He quickly changed the subject. "There's bound to be some tears then?"

"Not in my pub I hope!" Exclaimed Asparagus. "They can fight outside!"

"Do you want me to stick around?" Munkustrap asked. "Just in case?"

Asparagus nodded gratefully. "That be grand Munk. I don't fancy replacing me windows again! They'd have to be either very drunk, very stupid or both to kick off with you here! How's Demeter taken the news, by the way?"

"She doesn't know," Munkustrap admitted. "To be honest, I don't even know where she is. You haven't seen her, have you by any chance?"

Asparagus shook his head. "Nah, sorry mate. She ain't been in here for ages. But if I does see her, like, I'll tell her you're looking for her."

It was Munkustrap's turn to give him a nod of gratitude. "If you could. Thanks friend."

He glanced to his left to see his brother draping his forearms across the bar, nursing his own glass of Moonshine. Munkustrap guessed it wasn't his first. The toms made eye contact and Munkustrap dipped his head slightly in acknowledgement. "Alright?" he muttered gruffly.

Rum Tum Tugger lifted his head and looked blearily at him. "What's this I hear about Bombi?" he slurred.

Feeling relieved that his brother seemed to have forgotten all about their minor quarrel, Munkustrap took a stool next to him. "She's not well," he quietly told him. "She suffered another miscarriage."

"Holy Bast cat! Why didn't you tell me?" Rum Tum Tugger exclaimed.

"I would have," Munkustrap said sharply. "If we had been speaking! It was all very sudden…"

Rum Tum Tugger smacked is forehead and groaned. "Cat! I've been such dick! I'm sorry dude. You know I never wished that on you!"

He pulled Munkustrap into a rough hug, before pulling away. "So, how are you?" He asked. "You shaping up or what?"

Munkustrap shrugged. "As can be expected. I didn't think you cared," he muttered accusingly.

"Cat! I might be a moron, but I ain't a monster!" Rum Tum Tugger argued. "You're still my bro! So, how's Bomb taking it."

Munkustrap smiled sourly. "Oh you know Bombi. She puts on a brave face even though she's tearing up inside. You really need to patch things up with her."

"Yeah, I dunno…" Rum Tum Tugger shifted awkwardly.

"Oh come on Tugger," Munkustrap coaxed. "Bombi needs you. I need you."

Rum Tum Tugger looked up. "Really?" He asked, looking slightly perplexed.

"Of course I do!" Munkustrap insisted. "We're brothers aren't we? We've always looked out for eachother since we were kits, remember? Ok, so you drive me up the wall sometimes, but the queens like you. You bring them something that I cannot."

Rum Tum Tugger raised an eyebrow. "What? Eye candy?"

"Fun," Munkustrap answered in all seriousness. "I'll be the first to admit that I am not exactly a bundle of laughs! I doubt I was born with a single funny bone in my body in fact. Bombi especially, gets bored of me before not too long. She never says as much, but there is only so much serious one queen can take."

Rum Tum Tugger chuckled, "Oh but you are funny dude, in your own way. Cats just don't get your humour. Me included."

"Thanks?" Said Munkustrap tentatively. "I'm pretty sure you were almost paying me a compliment just then-"

"Plus I think it's just the case that you're more fun to laugh at rather than with-" Rum Tum Tugger continued.

"Alright you made your point!" Munkustrap said moodily.

Rum Tum Tugger clapped him on the shoulder and laughed, "Nah I'm only messing with you, dude. You're the funniest guy I know! Apart from me of course!"

The corners of Munkustrap's mouth turned up, just a little and he held out his paw. "Friends?" He offered.

Rum Tum Tugger reached over and clasped his paw firmly. "Yeah cat," he agreed. "This whole not speaking malarkey really sucks!"

"Good," said Munkustrap sounding relieved. "Because there's something I really need to talk to you about."

"Does it involve Queens?" Rum Tum Tugger asked hopefully.

Munkustrap laughed, "Take a wild guess!"

"Then I'm all ears bro!"

"So, let me get this straight," Rum Tum Tugger repeated for the third time after Munkustrap had explained his dilemma. "Some bird wants to shag you. And you said NO?"

"Tugger, I'm old enough to be her father!" Munkustrap argued. "In fact my daughters are the same as she is and let's not mention the fact that I have just become a grandfather too!"

Rum Tum Tugger shrugged, nonplussed. "So? I don't get what your problem is."

Munkustrap threw up his paws in exasperation. "Oh you are the limit!" He groused.

"Look dude," Rum Tum Tugger persisted. "It don't matter how old you are. I personally think that young chicks actually prefer a more mature male-"

"Oh please-!" Munkustrap scoffed.

Rum Tum Tugger tried a different approach. "Well, ok. Let's look at it this way," he said reasonably. "Who would you rather she broke it with? You? Or some skank down a dark alley all because she got too desperate waiting for you to make up your mind? Eh?"

Munkustrap suddenly looked horrified. "I hadn't thought of that…" He conceded.

"So yeah," Rum Tum Tugger continued with a triumphant grin. "Personally dude, my advice would be, and I strongly recommend that you take The Tugger's advice cos let's face it, there ain't no other worth having! If the chick's offering it to you on a plate, why not get stuck in?"

"You would-!" Munkustrap griped.

"Well send her my way then- Wait!" Rum Tum Tugger had a sudden thought (Oh no!) "She ain't a pug is she? In which case, I'd suggest wearing a blindfold-"

Munkustrap spluttered, "NO!"

"Just checking!" Rum Tum Tugger smirked, suddenly curious. "Come on then, spill the beans! Who is it?"

Munkustrap shook his head. "You'll rip it out of me-!"

"Would I do that?!" Rum Tum Tugger asked, feigning a look of shock.

"Yes."

"Oh come just tell me!" Rum Tum Tugger pestered. "Hey! It's not Rumpleteazer is it?"

Silence.

Rum Tum Tugger's mouth fell open. "NO! Seriously?"

"Keep your voice down!" Munkustrap hissed, looking around nervously.

"Why? Is she here?" Rum Tum Tugger also looked around.

"I don't know," Munkustrap admitted. "She's been kind of...following me."

Rum Tum Tugger laughed at him, "You could do a whole lot worse dude!" He was clearly enjoying this!

Then he grinned and leaned in close. "So? You like her or what?"

Munkustrap shrugged. "I could take or leave her to be honest."

"Wait! Does Demeter know?" Rum Tum Tugger asked suddenly.

"That's the other issue," said Munkustrap with a look of concern. "If she finds out, she may well castrate me!"

"Well," Rum Tum Tugger shrugged and smirked again. "She ain't here is she? Do you know where she is?"

"No," Munkustrap admitted.

"Well then," Rum Tum Tugger pressed on. "You really think she's being true to you? I think we both know where she is!"

Munkustrap didn't answer, so Rum Tum Tugger placed a paw on his shoulder again and whispered, "I know you miss her, dude. If I really knew where she was I would tell you. But until she comes back, why be lonely?"

"You think she'll come back?" Munkustrap asked.

"This is her home," Rum Tum Tugger assured him. "This is where she belongs. She'll return when she's ready to."

He tapped his nose and gave out his final piece of Tuggerly advice. "Just get in there bro before you really are too old. And don't worry, your secret is safe with me!"

"It'll be about as safe as a chocolate safe then?" Munkustrap muttered.

They were interrupted by a loud booing and hissing which was followed in the next few seconds by raucous cheering and the sound of cats knocking over chairs. "Who scored?" Munkustrap asked Asparagus.

"It's one all!" replied Asparagus. "Tony Woodcock got sent off. Chelsea got a free kick."

Munkustrap shrugged and turned back to his brother with a query that had been bothering him for some time. "Tugger?" He asked.

"Yeah?"

"I've noticed something-" he began.

"Oh finally!"

Munkustrap paused, looking slightly confused. "What?"

Tugger opened his mouth, then closed it again. "Errr…" he waved the comment. "Nothing, carry on! You've noticed…?"

Seeing as neither myself nor Munkustrap had any idea what Rum Tum Tugger was going on about, Munkustrap carried on, "That a queen's allowed to say no to you, right?"

"Right. Or should I say, wrong!"

"And you're just meant to take it on the chin and wear it like some sort of draft mug. Still following?"

"I think so..." Rum Tum Tugger was looking a little bewildered.

"But," Munkustrap continued. "When you say no, all of a sudden you're this complete arsehole and she's somehow the victim?"

"Dunno! I've never said no!" Rum Tum Tugger chuckled.

"And then," Munkustrap carried on. "She's allowed to touch you wherever and grab...things...and try it on with you. And that's perfectly acceptable?"

"Sure is-!"

"But see here's the thing! If you do that to them without asking permission first, they start baying for your castration!"

"And this is a problem for you, why?" asked Rum Tum Tugger, looking slightly envious.

"I'm with you there!" Asparagus interjected upon overhearing their conversion. "It's blooming gender inequality that's what it is! You should see what I has to put up with from some o they drunk queens that comes in here!"

Rum Tum Tugger looked at them both incredulously. "Dudes!" He exclaimed. "I dunno what queens you're on about, but if you don't want them then kindly send them my way, yeah? Geesh! As long as I'm getting me some, I got no worries! Y'know what your problems are? You think too much about it. Just get on in there, toms. Then reminisce about it after!"

"And the fact that you think like that has nothing whatsoever to do with your ninety nine percent fail rate?" Munkustrap asked, raising an eyebrow.

"I have a lot to get through-" Rum Tum Tugger denied.

"YOU need to take things slower," Munkustrap interrupted. "Maybe actually get around to asking her important questions. Like her name, for example?"

"Yeah, cheers for the advice Casanova!" Rum Tum Tugger retorted. "Tell you what, why not try teaching Grandma to suck eggs next time, yeah?"

"When was the last time...?" Munkustrap asked tentatively.

"Three months ago," Rum Tum Tugger confessed, almost inaudibly.

"Oooh!" Munkustrap winced.

Rum Tum Tugger was strangely quiet all of a sudden. No wonder he was turning to Moonshine for help! But it was a fickle friend. While it promised to solve all your problems in a single glass, it actually exacerbated them, then turned you blind and eventually destroyed your liver.

Rum Tum Tugger was about to say something when a raucous group of young males suddenly poured out of the backroom and bundled their way to the bar, each jostling to be the first to get a drink. Munkustrap gave them a disapproving stare, daring any one of them to so much as think about barging him out of the way. A slight flattening of the ears and a lash of the tail was all that was needed for them to have theirs between their legs and they sounded a little less cocky all of a sudden. But in their haste to give him a wide berth, one of them accidentally barged into Rum Tum Tugger instead. "Oi!" he yelled. "Watch the mane dude! I'm leaning here!"

He rolled his eyes and made an over exaggerated display of flicking his quiff back into place. Then he glared at the sheepish individual before turning back to his brother. "Halftime. Fancy a quick jam?" he suggested.

"Yeah, why not?" said Munkustrap. "We'll show these young whippersnappers what proper music sounds like."

"It might explode their tiny minds!" Rum Tum Tugger joked.

"With any luck!" Munkustrap chuckled as he followed Rum Tum Tugger onto the small stage.

"Don't look now!" Rum Tum Tugger warned him as he bent down to pick up his guitar. "Your admirer! At eight o'clock!"

"I told you she was stalking me!" Munkustrap whispered.

He flashed a quick glance in that direction and met with a pair of sad copper eyes. She was slumped against the bar, a glass of half drunk clear liquid in her paw. He tore his eyes away from the pathetic scene, but could not quell the sudden feeling of burning guilt. Maybe his brother was right? She wasn't asking for the Earth! If he just gave her what she wanted then perhaps she would leave him alone? So, she was young? At that moment she seemed to have aged considerably, with her usual bubbly demeanour a thing of distant memory and in its place sat a cloud of misery. She looked lonely too. No one spoke to her and she didn't speak to anyone, which was so unlike her! Usually it was her high pitched cockney accent that he could hear above everyone else's. But it was silent now. "What shall we sing?" he asked Rum Tum Tugger.

Rum Tum Tugger thought for a moment, then came up with an idea. "I got just the song for us bro. How about some Del Amitri?"

He began to strum the opening bars to the song and they both sang, their voices melding together like honey and lemon.

"So you're in love with someone else
Someone who burns within your soul
And it looks like I am the last to know
I hear you've never felt so alive
So much desire beyond control
And as usual I am the last to know

The last to know
How you're feeling
The last to know
Where you are
The last to know
If you're happy now
Or if he's treating you, like I treated you
Or if he's cruel
I'll be the last to know

We spent summers up by the lake
And you said these are such prefect days
That if the bomb drops baby
I want to be the last to know
But now you're living up behind the hill
And though we share the same city and feel the same sun
When your winter comes
I'll be the last to know

Always the last to know
How you're feeling
The last to know
Where you are
The last to know
If you're happy now
Or if he's pleading with you, like I pleaded with you
If you go, don't let me be the last to know
Don't let me be the last to know

Creations gone crazy
The TV's gone mad
Now you're the only sane thing that I have

Always the last to know
How you're feeling
The last to know
Where you are
The last to know
If you're happy now
Or if he's cheating on you, like I cheated on you
Oh, oh, oh

You were the last to know
You were the last to know
Don't let me be the last to know."

(The Last To Know by Del Amitri)

Such was the applause and calls to sing again that Munkustrap and Rum Tum Tugger rolled straight into a second song,

"Post office clerks put up signs saying "position closed"
And secretaries turn off typewriters and put on their coats
And janitors padlock the gates for security guards to patrol
And bachelors phone up their friends for a drink
While the married ones turn on a chat show
And they'll all be lonely tonight and lonely tomorrow

Gentlemen, time please, you know we can't serve anymore
Now the traffic lights change to stop, when there's nothing to go
And by five o'clock everything's dead
And every third car is a cab
And ignorant people sleep in their beds
Like the doped white mice in the college lab

And nothing ever happens, nothing happens at all
The needle returns to the start of the song
And we all sing along like before
And we'll all be lonely tonight and lonely tomorrow

Telephone exchanges click while there's nobody there
The Martians could land in the car park and no one would care
Close-circuit cameras in department stores shoot the same movie every day
And the stars of these films neither die nor get killed
Just survive constant action replay

And nothing ever happens, nothing happens at all
The needle returns to the start of the song
And we all sing along like before
And we'll all be lonely tonight and lonely tomorrow

And bill holdings advertise products that nobody needs
While angry from Manchester writes to complain about
All the repeats on T.V.
And computer terminals report some gains
On the values of copper and tin
While American businessmen snap up Van Goghs
For the price of a hospital wing

And nothing ever happens, nothing happens at all
The needle returns to the start of the song
And we all sing along like before

And nothing ever happens, nothing happens at all
They'll burn down the synagogues at six o'clock
And we'll all go along like before
And we'll all be lonely tonight and lonely tomorrow."

(Nothing Ever Happens by Del Amitri)

While everyone applauded around her, Rumpleteazer was busy demolishing her fifth glass of Moonshine and banged the empty glass on the bar. "Another please Gus. Put it on the tab, will ya?" She slurred.

"I ain't sure you should be drinkin no more, Missy," warned Asparagus.

"What would you know about it!" she snapped.

"I knows you owes us a fair bit," he replied with concern, placing the refill in front of her. "This is gonna be the last one I serves you, got it?"

"Whatever! Spoil sport!" She retorted and stuck her tongue out at him.

As she continued glare, shooting daggers at Asparagus's back, she felt someone lean in next to her. Moodily, she glanced up to see a young black and white tom leering at her whilst trying to imitate her stance, although he was clearly finding it difficult; the six Moonshines he'd consumed causing him to sway ever so slightly. Despite this, he clearly thought he was being gentlemanly and that he had a definite chance with this delectable little queen. "Can I help you with sommink?" She asked coldly.

The tom continued to leer and replied, "You look lonely. I thought you could use some company."

She looked away. "I'm alright ta."

"What's your name, sexy?" He carried on, completely missing the subtle hint that he was about as welcome as a plague of cockroaches.

"Who's askin?" She said destractedly.

"I'm Hack," he said, misinterpreting her question for interest.

"I don't care what your name is. Hack! You're in my personal space!" she snapped.

"I'll only get out of your space if you give me a kiss," He cajoled and leaned in closer, almost choking her with his alcohol breath.

"How about you just get out of my face, yeah!?" She shouted and then looked nervously at the stage, trying to catch Munkustrap's eye, but he was too busy chatting to some other cats to notice.

Either that or he was deliberately ignoring her. She started to panic.

"You gonna make me, sweetheart?" the drunk tom hiccupped.

"Piss off!" She growled and shoved him away, accidentally sending him sprawling across a table where a group of cats were minding their own businesses, eating steaming hot bowls of fish stew.

Of course, the ceramic bowls were upended, spilling the searing contents into the laps of the diners and onto the floor, and while the cats who'd had their meals rudely interrupted leapt up, swearing and yelling obscenities, Hack snarled, "Bitch!"

She screamed as he grabbed her by the throat and slammed her head backwards onto the bar. "Push me, would you-?" he hissed.

"So! Little tom likes to pick on little cats does he?" growled a voice behind him. "Well you're in luck. Because so do I!"

Hack froze. Then he slowly turned around and found himself face to bared teeth with a thoroughly pissed off Silver Bengcoon. "You threatening me?" he demanded, brazenly puffing out his chest and standing on tiptoe to try and gain a centimetre or two, but try as he might he still found himself having to crane his neck slightly in order to meet the other tom's eyes.

Any sensible cat would have backed down straight away, but not this individual. He may have been brave, but he clearly wasn't very clever. "Your time here has expired," Munkustrap informed him. "Therefore, you may either leave now with your dignity intact, or I shall throw you out along with the bits of whatever's left of it!"

"Yeah, why don't you back off, Grandad!" Hack shoved the older tom as hard as he could.

He didn't budge. Was this tom made of granite or something? But before Hack could have another go he suddenly found himself with his arm twisted painfully behind his back while a dark voice muttered in his ear, "Seeing as you clearly don't have any, why don't I teach you some manners, eh?"

Munkustrap looked at the shocked Torby tabby. "Rumpleteazer?" He said. "I believe this gentleman has something to say to you."

Then he addressed the tom he was grappling with. "Come on now, don't be shy-!"

Hack growled through gritted teeth. "Fuck you- d'aaa!"

The drunken tom froze with pain as Munkustrap twisted his arm further, threatening to dislocate his shoulder. His courage suddenly dissolved and he began to suspect that it wouldn't take the Bengcoon a whole lot of effort to simply rip his arm off. "I'm sorry! Sorry! I'm really sorry!" he whimpered.

Then to his utter shame, he felt a sudden warm dampness on the inside of his leg and heard cats around him sniggering. This would be a lesson he would never forget. "That's better," Munkustrap growled, still holding him. "And now it's time for you to leave my friend! Don't worry, I'm sure your friends will tell you the scores tomorrow."

"Oh and by the way pal? You're barred!" Asparagus added. "For life!"

In response Hack started to screech and curse. So Munkustrap physically picked him up, carried him through the crowded pub and threw him, as promised, out of the door. Not bothering to see where the miscreant landed, he brushed off his paws and turned back to the now silent pub, making sure to look every one of the stunned onlookers in the eye. No one was foolhardy enough to hold his gaze. "Anyone else feel like being uncivilized?" he asked.

Not a single cat was prepared to take him up on his offer, so he added, "Good. Because if anyone else kicks off there'll be Hell to pay, do I make myself clear?"

Luckily, the rest seemed to have the good sense to shrink away and go calmly back to the football. Munkustrap then acknowledged Asparagus's nod of approval with a slight dip of his head before making his way over to where Rumpleteazer was being comforted by Rum Tum Tugger. He gently caressed her ears, but she didn't respond. "Is she alright?" he asked. She didn't look too well.

"I think someone has had one too many Moonshines," Rum Tum Tugger said quietly.

He passed her to Munkustrap, who lifted her into his arms, but didn't really know what else to do with her. "You know what you have to do," said the charcoal Bengcoon with a wink. "Go put the smile back on her face. PS. You jammy git!"

Munkustrap began to carry the semi conscious Rumpleteazer out of the pub, but when he got to the door he was suddenly struck with an element of doubt. Was this really the right thing to do? Did he even want to do it, that was the real question? Sure he could screw her. Easily. Well she was female after all and he'd already had his fare share of promiscuity in his younger days that would make his brother's toes curl, but things were different now. He was a Protector. He had a duty of care. Could he go as far as loving her? He would have to think about that. Undecided he turned to looked back at his brother, who rolled his eyes impatiently and began to gesticulate encouragement using some vigorous pelvic thrusts, coupled with a big thumbs up. Munkustrap just smiled and shook his head. There were no words. That tom was unbelievable! As he wondered back to his den, the queen in his arms stirred. "Munk?" She squeaked.

"Yes Teazer?" He sighed.

"I think I'm gonna be sick!" She cried.

"Not on me you're not!" He said hurriedly and hastily putting her down.

Then he held her head over the nearest drain while she threw up into it. "That's it. Better out than in," he mumbled.

"Errr! This is so embarrassing!" she gasped.

Munkustrap just shrugged and said dryly, "No need to be embarrassed. I can't count the number of times I found myself chucking my guts up in some public place! Happens to us all! It's called living my dear!"

Presently, stomach empty and throat sore from the acid, she sat back with her head between her knees, as told to by Munkustrap. "It works for me," he explained.

The night was mild and still, but a sudden freak breeze drifted down the street and ruffled Munkustrap's whiskers, bringing with it a very faint scent. It was unfamiliar, but for some reason it made Munkustrap feel a slight sense of unease. "Come on," he muttered to Rumpleteazer. "We should move."

He helped her up and put an arm around her waist to steady her because it looked as though she might collapse at any moment. Her legs seemed to have gone on strike. "It's alright, I've got you," he reassured her as they walked.

"Whoa pussycat!"

Munkustrap froze. "Who said that?" He demanded.

"Oo said what?" asked Rumpleteazer. "I don't hear nothing!"

But Munkustrap felt a definite chill on the back of his neck. He shivered. Then a moment later a creature stepped out in front of them. Munkustrap stared, for whatever it was, it was truly horrifying! What appeared to be the ghost of a long dead cat. At least Munkustrap could only assume that it was a cat, and that he (for Munkustrap also assumed that it was a he) had clearly died horribly, because he was lacking things that would usually help to identify him as such, like ears and a tail for example. In fact, his entire pelt was missing; with just a few silver, white and charcoal striped remnants around his paws looking like macabre slippers, leaving Munkustrap to guess that he must have been a marbled silver like him and, judging by the size of his exposed and bleeding muscles, possibly a Maine Coon, although it was hard to tell without his fur. With a sick feeling of pity in his stomach, he realised that this poor individual must have died AFTER losing his pelt. Who or what on Earth would have done such a horrible thing and why, Munkustrap didn't even want to hazard a guess at. He suddenly felt his own skin crawl and shivered again, silently thanking his lucky stars that it was still attached to him. He would never take it for granted again that was for sure! Meanwhile the ghost's amber eyes bulged out of his exposed skull, showing the whites bloodshot and tortured, while his agony was plain to see as he moved stiffly towards Munkustrap, who recoiled at the putrid stench of rotting flesh and instinctively pushed Rumpleteazer behind him. His own eyes had widened, but when she tried to see what he was staring at, all Rumpleteazer could see was an empty residential street.

"Munk! There's nothing 'ere!" she protested.

Munkustrap ignored her and instead spoke directly to the ghost. "Who are you? What do you want?" he demanded again.

"Oo are you talking to?" Rumpleteazer hissed.

"Beware! My name is Siren," said the figure in a weak, rasping voice that was as full of pain as his eyes were. "And I come to warn you of imminent danger. An assassin lies in ambush at the next crossroads."

Munkustrap's mouth went dry. "What manner? Armed?"

"With blade."

"Thank you for the warning friend," said Munkustrap, and with sudden spark of recognition, remembered who this cat was. "I know who you are. You are the first Protector. I was told stories about you as a kitten."

"You have been well informed, Successor. But now you must prepare..." And as he said this the ghost's voice grew faint until all that remained of him were echoes and a slight drop in temperature.

Rumpleteazer looked from Munkustrap to the spot on the street that he was talking to, and back again. "Either I've had too much Moonshine, or you've finally cracked. Which is it?" She demanded.

"I'm afraid it's a little more disturbing than that," he replied. "But I have no time to explain now."

"Are you feeling alright?" She asked, worriedly.

He looked at her, his expression grim. "We are in danger," he informed her bluntly and then looked around.

"I need a weapon," he said urgently. "A metal bar or a broom handle would be ideal."

"How do you-?" She started.

"Quick! Just help me look!"

"Alright keep ya fur on!" She huffed moodily. "How bout this?"

The only thing they could find was a roadworks sign being held down by some hefty sandbags.

"It'll have to do," said Munkustrap, picking up one of the sandbags.

"I meant the sign…!" Rumpleteazer's voice trailed away.

Her eyes widened and her fur bristled. She opened her mouth to scream, but no sound came out. With her voice having already made its escape, she could only gasp and point at the dark figure standing before them, brandishing a three inch knife. Munkustrap's hackles rose and he hissed at the stranger, a black Siamese cat. He wore a mask over his narrowed forest green eyes and they were fixed upon Munkustrap as he began to run towards them, raising the knife to strike. With his heart pounding, Munkustrap put all of his faith in his recent training and held the sandbag ready under one arm. Then, with his eyes beginning to glow with fire, he began to stalk calmly towards the charging attacker, his own eyes never leaving the glinting blade. With a snarl, the Siamese pounced and at the same time, Munkustrap swung the sandbag, catching him in the side of the neck and knocking him to the ground. The Siamese rolled lithely back onto his feet and soon the toms stood facing each other in their fighting stances. Then the Siamese attacked again, but this time Munkustrap deflected the strike by thrusting the hassien bag forwards so that the blade was buried in that rather than in his flesh. He continued to do this, catching every cut and thrust...that was until the bag split! Grinning triumphantly the Siamese dived forward and stabbed downwards, but in one swift move Munkustrap reacted by throwing the bag in his face, blinding him with sharp sand. Now the ball was in Munkustrap's court, so he wasted no time in striking the distracted cat on the nose and jumping backwards to avoid a counter attack. Then he decided to go in for another strike whilst the other was seemingly busy lying doubled up on the ground, holding his bleeding nose and trying to blink the grit out of his eyes. But even as he moved forward he knew he had made a mistake, for without warning the Siamese suddenly recovered and in a desperate move, threw the knife. Munkustrap moved to the side just time and felt a sharp sting as it caught him before spinning off down the street. He gasped and held his arm, just as the Siamese gave him an evil smile and attacked again, aiming a roundhouse kick at Munkustrap's head, only for Munkustrap to duck and infiltrate his guard with a backwards roundhouse which found its mark in the other cat's jaw. Next he sent a volley of claws towards his befuddled attacker who moved his head to avoid them, but was caught unawares by a freak elbow to the temple. While the toms continued to fight with movements so fast that Rumpleteazer (who was watching through her fingers) couldn't tell who was winning or losing, she suddenly cried out as Munkustrap was caught in a head lock. The Siamese, grimacing with blood dripping from his mouth, trapped Munkustrap's neck in the crook of his arm and did his best to try to choke him. Then he raised his elbow with the sole intention of bringing it down upon Munkustrap's spine. But right before he could deliver the shattering blow, Munkustrap launched his leg backwards and kicked him square in the head. Dazed, the Siamese's legs buckled and he was forced to release his grip on the Bengcoon's throat. Then the fight descended into a messy grappling match as the pair scuffled on the ground, each cat trying desperately to limb lock the other whilst trying to avoid getting caught themselves. Eventually the Siamese rolled away and Munkustrap kicked back onto his feet, both cats panting and exausted. But the determined Siamese wasn't done yet, and with a "Yaaaaah!" he charged in again, leaving Munkustrap with no choice but to do the same. Managing to catch hold of the Siamese's outstretched arm, he performed a barrel roll in the air, using the momentum to twist it in a way that was unnatural for an arm to do, for while it moved, the unfortunate Siamese did not. All at once there was a sickening crack! followed by the sound of splintering bone, while the victim shrieked like a kitten. But his agony did not end there. Whilst on the ground, Munkustrap then caught the Siamese's leg in his and twisted his body sharply to the left. There was a crunch! as the Siamese's leg was broken in two places and the his screeches were so deafening that they might have been heard in Dover. There was no way he could carry on fighting now. It was all over. Finally, a heavily panting Munkustrap went to retrieve the knife from halfway down the street and then walked back to the broken body lying on the ground, grabbed him roughly by the ear and pulled him up sharply, causing him to let out another agonized cry. Then he held the knife to the assassin's throat. "Who are you? Who sent you?" he hissed.

When the cat refused to answer he yanked him a bit more, making him squeal like a dog toy. "My name is...Morosoe!" the Siamese gasped. "I bring...message from...Hidden Paw..."

"Go on," said Munkustrap when he faltered.

"Has...your sweetheart..." Morosoe continued with some difficulty. "...Sends his...gratitude."

Munkustrap hissed. Then to his astonishment Morosoe suddenly reached up with his unbroken arm and took hold of the paw that gripped the knife, guiding it down to his chest. "I was sent to kill you..." he explained. "I may have failed...but more will follow. He will not rest until he has destroyed you...Now please...show me mercy...For you can bet that he will not look kindly upon my...failure. It would almost be an honour to die by the paw of the Great...Munkustrap..."

He chuckled as with the last of his strength he applied pressure to Munkustrap's paw, helping him to ease the blade into his heart.

Munkustrap gently lowered the limp form to the ground but stayed in a crouched position, unable to tear his eyes away from the dead cat. What did he mean more were to follow? Was this the start of something? And why would Demeter betray him so badly? While he was lost in thought, a tentative paw on his left shoulder brought him back to reality and he looked up into a pair of frightened copper eyes. He had almost forgotten that she was there! But as he continued to gaze, something in the air seemed to shift. Perhaps it was the adrenaline or maybe it was because he had never noticed how dark her eyes were, like two endless portals. He gently took her paw in his right and nuzzled it with his cheek, his eyes not leaving hers, even when they suddenly widened in alarm. "Your eyes!" She gasped.

"What about my eyes?" He said, looking puzzled.

"There...there...!" Rumpleteazer stuttered. "All like...weird!"

Sudden realisation. "Oh! Yeah...that..." Munkustrap instinctively rubbed his eyes and looked at her again.

She nodded. "Yeah, that's better! Back to normal. I personally prefers the blue to that weird yellow colour. Makes ya look like Satan!" She giggled.

Then she grasped his arm and softly coaxed him into a standing position so that she could take a look at the cut. The knife had sliced a horizontal line into the flesh of his arm, but luckily it wasn't too deep. She cleaned it as delicately as she could then moved her lips up to the cut on his cheek and gave that a gentle lick too. He stiffened, but whether that was due to the sting or because he felt uncomfortable with her being so close, she wasn't sure. He didn't try to push her away though so, feeling emboldened, she moved her paws to cautiously to caress his head and was relieved when, although he jumped slightly, he put up no other resistance. "There. All pretty again now," she said, looking into his dichroic eyes.

Even to her limited colour vision they were gorgeous, so like a pair of blue opals surrounded by a ring of gold that her paws itched with a sudden urge to steal them.

"I'll give you pretty!" He tried to scoff, but it was a little half-hearted because he was momentarily destracted by something.

Her gaze had dropped down to his lips, signalling her intentions and his heart was suddenly awash with a strange mix of emotions that he was struggling to make sense of. He swallowed. Then all of a sudden he realised that his eyes had settled on her lips too; and after a pause of several heartbeats he instinctively moved in to kiss them...

Suddenly her legs buckled. He caught her just before she hit the pavement, but by that time the spell had already been broken. "Whoa! You alright?" he asked, picking her back up.

"Yeah- yeah, um...just a bit...lightheaded that's all," she replied, sheepishly scratching the back of her head.

There was an awkward silence. But if he could have read her mind, he probably would have been deafened by the party which was going on inside it. "So..." he began. Ok, so this didn't feel weird at all!

"So…" she echoed, pawing at the ground with her foot while holding her paws behind her back as though trying to hide something.

"So...what shall we do now?" He ventured.

"Are you being funny?" She said suddenly.

He shrugged. "Well I don't know about you, but I'm knackered!" He told her. "So, I know what I'm going to do. Whatever you want to do is up to you. Don't let me persuade you to do anything you're not comfortable with, especially after witnessing a scene like that." He indicated the empty street, where the only sign that there had been a fight at all was the grey sand strewn across the road along with the odd clump of fur wafting in the light breeze, a few flecks of blood spattered on a nearby brick wall, the empty hessian sack lying in tatters on the pavement and the dead cat lying a few meters away from it.

She frowned. "I don't follow."

He clarified, "I just killed a cat in front of you. Most queens would be put off by that."

She smiled. "Oo says I'm like most queens?" She asked.

Then she shrugged. "Besides, I feel just that bit more alive knowing that waste of space ain't. I already told you before Munk and I'll say it till I'm blue in the bleedin face. I love ya!"

She spread her paws, gesticulating to add weight to what she was saying. "This ain't some new thing," she explained and as she continued she became more and more het up. "I've loved ya for as long as I can remember. While all my pals were drooling over Tugger, I only ever had eyes for you. Why do ya think I was always getting under your feet? I weren't trying to annoy ya. Well...l was...cos it were fun! But really, I just wanted to be near ya. I know you don't feel the same way about me, but I don't care. Maybe you could pretend or sommink, I dunno. But you're asking me what I want? I tell ya. I want you to take me back to your den. I want you to hold onto me and never let go. You can even pretend I'm Her if you want, if it'll help….Just gimme a one chance to prove that I can be the queen of yer dreams, that's all I'm askin for, not the bleedin crown jewels!" Her voice was on the verge of breaking, but there it was. She'd said her piece.

"Teaze-!" He began.

"No!" She put a finger to his lips when it looked like he was about to protest. "Please, don't say nothing, ok. Don't ruin this for me!"

She took a deep breath,

"Heard about you for awhile, never saw a show
Used to play you on the radio
Now we're face to face friend of a friend
Got a hundred reasons why this shouldn't happen
You got a hundred reasons why this shouldn't be
And not a single one of them has a thing to do with me,
So just shut up, shut up shut up shut up — kiss me like you mean it

"I'm a tom. I'm a tom with a plan.
That's me in the broken window," he said, "don't you understand?"
Weren't even sure it was me when I walked in the room
Careful son it's gonna get real hot soon and I been,
I've been trying to fight this fight right here by swimming upstream
I couldn't tell you where I'm going, couldn't show you where I been
So just shut up, shut up shut up shut up - kiss me like you mean it
So just shut up, shut up shut up shut up - kiss me like you mean it

So what if we just stop pretending, stop making believe?
What if true love only comes when you're playing for keeps?
So just shut up - kiss me like you mean it.

Do you know the value of this?
Can you assess it?
And if you could would you even know how to invest it?
I know a thing about a thing or two
I know I gotta keep a couple things safe from you

If I folded my heart into a pretty paper plane
And flew it cross the Thames would it come back again?
Would it get crumpled up?
Would it get caught up in a crosswind in the sea or would it fly back to me?
So just shut up, shut up shut up shut up - kiss me like you mean it
So just shut up, shut up shut up shut up - kiss me like you mean it
Kiss me like you mean it
Shut up, shut up shut up shut up…"

(Shut Up by Anya Marina)

Her voice faltered and she hung her head, suddenly overcome with emotion.

"Sorry!" She whispered. "I donno know why I'm crying! God, what am I like?"

She sniffed and dabbed at her nose with the back of her paw, a filthy habit that she often did without thinking. Then Munkustrap gently wiped away her tears using his thumb. "It's ok," he said softly. "I seem to have that effect on queens!"

"Could you at least, like, try and love me though?" She asked him, almost pleading.

"Hmmm..." He looked doubtful. "We'll see."

She was about to answer, but didn't get any further than that because he suddenly drew her into his arms and kissed her, causing her heart to explode (figuratively speaking! And while we're here: fireworks also exploded inside her belly as firecrackers erupted confetti over their heads and just when she thought that would be it, a marching band started parading down the street! Well why not! she thought.)

"You don't have to pretend to be anyone else, Teazer," he told her. "You're fine as you are."

"Ere, what changed your tune?" She asked, her tone somewhat passive aggressive.

"Some cats who are much wiser than I helped me to change my mind," he admitted.

She grinned. "Remind me to thank em will ya?" She giggled and moved in to kiss him again.