Chapter Thirty-Four

Alone, Together

''Children are knives, my mother once said.

They don't mean to, but they cut.

And yet we cling to them, don't we, we clasp them until the blood flows.''

''You needed a support.'' He went on seemingly casually, but Edward's paramount calmness was evidently absent. ''And I needed something to occupy myself with. I've been reminded of all my academic achievements and degrees that sat in the bottom drawer, collecting dust. Now I'm here.''

Blair's brow clouded, remembering his stories of excellence and intellect supremacy during his university days, and the ultimate rebellion against his overbearing father - letting it all go to waste and sailing into the open ocean. Now, years after, he really was here; anchored down, doing what he swore never to do and settling down - why?

''You're being impulsive,'' She arched her eyebrow in defiance. ''You did this without actually thinking about it.''

His electric blue eyes raked her face, but lips were tugged into a slightly crooked smile. ''If you're absolutely sure about something, thinking is redundant. In fact, thinking may only serve to push it away.''

''Are you aware that what you're doing is only making my life more difficult?''

Just earlier, her ex-boss kicked her ex-boyfriend out of class, ruining every chance she had with him, ruining anything they managed to scrape together from what was left of their shaky relationship. Chuck couldn't stand him, he detected something with Morelli that made him reckless and destructive. The price of Edward's stay was too high and only served to complicate things further.

''Listen,'' Ed's voice simmered down to a shadow of his serenity forcing itself into the conversation, detecting her unease. ''If you really feel that way, I can abandon this in a second.''

''You didn't care how I felt about you coming here, and now, you're asking me to tell you if you should leave?'' She cockily observed, evading the question.

''Blair, I need a direct answer,'' His eyes flashed, boring into her. ''Do you want me to stay or do you want me to leave?''

Silence befell them as Blair squirmed under his intense gaze, vaguely cognizant of what the question entailed. It was something more than work, more than a position in Constance University - it was an ultimatum. It was drawing a card from the deck, staring down at the opponent and waiting for their turn.

Blair was aware of the strength of his support and appreciated it immensely. In reality, she didn't want to lose him. But if she told him to stay, would that statement come out in the same colors as her mind painted it? Would the meaning derail and deform, out in the open air?

''I couldn't get a single direct answer to my questions,'' Blair pushed herself off the table and straightened up, looking down at him. The risk wasn't to be taken. ''It's my turn to hold back a reply. Feel free to decide for yourself.''

''Are you crying?'' Blair felt her words scrap against her throat, wisps of forgotten dream still hanging in the daze at the corners of her mind. ''Mom, are you crying?''

She rubbed her eyes, lightly swaying as she lifted up her head, strands of chocolate curls pooling over her pale forehead. Moonlight entered through the low, yet wide murky window, falling over Jane's wet cheeks, illuminating the sunken face. The woman didn't hide from her daughter's worried gaze as she normally would, nor did she wipe the salty tears away and pretend everything was fine. The raw vulnerability was like a splash of cold water. The rest of the apartment sat eerily quiet, it must have been somewhere around midnight while everyone was asleep.

''You know what?'' Jane said instead, her voice thick, leaning her arm on the edge of Blair's single bed. The bed she had owned since she was 6, and rested her head on it. Wooden boards had worn out with time, the mattress stiff and creaky. Jane remembered when Blair was still a child, complained of wanting her own bed, tired and cranky of sleeping between parents. She wanted, no, demanded her own bed, zealously pointing out how Dan got to sleep by himself on the couch in the living room. The small room was then used for storage.

Annoyed and irritated by his daughter incessant 'yappin', as he would call it, Bob managed to find a single bed with a beautiful carving of flowers on the headboard. He had found it on the street, someone's cast out, and with the help of some friends, they heaved it into their home, squeezing it in between two walls with scraped off paint. Later that afternoon, they made a family trip to Brooklyn and got an almost new mattress in one of the charity shops.

Jane remembered those days of new beginnings; fresh mornings and abundance of hope. Dreams and chance, waiting to be seized. She remembered them with bitter feelings and gloominess, aware the time had come to give up and surrender.

''When I first came to New York, I was scared to go back to the village. Back to the country. Now I'm afraid to stay in this city.''

Blair gulped heavily, a lump lodged in her throat, absolutely terrified by the direction of the current conversation. Mother's tears pulled her out of sleepy revelry in a record moment and she had enough wits to take a similar position as her mother, staring at her moonlit profile with trembling heart. A part of her knew what was coming, but the other part numbed the feelings down because they were too much to bear.

''We can't really blame this city,'' Jane sniffled, her eyes filled with pools and pools of forlorn sadness, regret, and bare misery. The false cover of bravado was off, and the extensive array emotions sat plainly in the open, exposed for only her daughter to see. ''We are only left with ourselves to blame. Your father's anger. My anger. Your hopes.''

The last sentence was uttered with peculiar heaviness, evoking a stifled scream in their chest, chilliness falling down the walls of the small, cold bedroom.

''Should I go back?''

''Go back where?'' Blair shivered and sat up in bed, frail aged covers falling down onto her lap.

''Back to the country,'' Silently cried Jane, the floodgate of tears opened and flowing freely, her hands trembling as she hid her face beneath them. ''You can come with me.''

''No!'' Blair squeaked, overcome by the terror of leaving Manhattan. It would mean giving up scholarship which she so fought for; fought against prejudiced system, fought against cold and hungry nights with book in hand, fought against father's constant disapproval of education. The thought of letting go of her career which she dreamed of in every lonesome minute of the day sent her into an anxiety fit. Constance University was best chance she got for life that she wanted to lead - a life no ordinary human could comprehend.

But most of all, a thought which frightened her the most, a thought that sealed her wish not to go with Jane and stay on this island, was the thought and the sheer terror of leaving Chuck. ''No, mom - If this is about the ring, I promise it's taken care of-''

''I can't do this anymore, Blair.'' Jane interrupted, shaking her head in desperation. There was a dark, sorrowful glint in her hooded eyes, it signified this was about something more than the chaos with Jessica. And with a heavy heart, Blair understood it. ''I can't stand this. The Doctor says this city is slowly killing me. I know I shouldn't leave you alone here, but I can't deal with this anymore, pumpkin. I can't. I'm sorry.''

Blair felt her heart stop, felt her soul crumble to pieces and eyes well with tears - but they never had time to fall. Daughter embraced the broken mother, for once reversing the roles and offering her own shoulder to cry on, knowing well she was the one that caused the tears. Knowing she was the one to fracture the main pillar of the family, to banish the only person that shed a light on their darkness, banish her from her own home with unreachable ambitions.

And ultimately, Blair knew she had to be the one to set her own mother free.

The morning was miserable, icy and windy, bare trees swayed in the relentless flurry of air, as if they knew the day had nothing pretty on about it. One of the neighbors heaved up a modest suitcase and shoved it into the trunk of the rusty '90 Toyota Corolla. He slammed the doors, getting into the car with a huff and rubbing his palms to warm himself. Jane was already in, doleful smile on her face and tears in her eyes, gaze skimming over her husband, her children.

Blair couldn't tell if those tears held grief or relief.

She watched her mother's calloused hand wipe the mist of the window and wave to them. From the corner of her eye, she saw Jessica wave back enthusiastically. Blair had no strength to lift up her hand.

Something heavy kept pressing on her chest and she couldn't catch a breath. The engine started and it was like a trigger, painfully pushing something in her over the edge and she sharply inhaled, the first tear gliding down the porcelain cheek.

It was easy to be brave during night, comforted by mother's warmth and touch. It was easy to put on bravado while the darkness held the demons at bay. But the first crack of dawn brought on sullen grayness of the day and coldness was inevitable. It felt like someone ripped a vital part of her, leaving a gaping hole in bitter frost.

Mother left.

All her teary eyes could see was her mother's face, growing smaller and smaller, only to quietly disappear in the background, taking everything good with her. Only then did she realize what she had one with her lies. Only then did she grasp the full effect of her mistakes. What an idiot she had been.

A broken cry struggled its way out of her throat and hot tears rushed down her cheeks. She looked up to find some consolation, to find her brother and embrace him, but Dan seemed lost, his eyes avoiding hers.

''I have to go to work.'' He muttered and walked away from the group with quick steps, leaving her alone. Something in Blair broke again at the sight. Neighbors dispersed, Father went back in the building to start another day of work, his back hunched.

They had all known she was leaving, yet Jane waited until last minute to let her daughter know. How long ago did mother decided to leave? How long had she held all the pain inside, until it completely tore her apart?

''What's the drama?'' Jessica drawled. ''She moved back to country, not to another continent.''

The question evoked another flood of tears because Jane might as well moved to the other end of the world, banished by her own child. Blair looked at her building, down at the small barred window of their flat. Somehow, the place scared her. She didn't want to go in there, to the den of the wolves and snakes. It wasn't her home anymore.

''Don't worry, B. I can give you much better advice than your mother. We'll get that rich boy wrapped around your finger in no time.'' Jessica whispered with a winked, going back inside and whistling to herself happily.

Blair's knees wobbled as she entered the park on the other side of the street and sat down on a nearby bench. The park was desolate, the morning was unbearably frosty and most people sought warmth inside. She was so engrossed in misery, that she was completely unaware of the figure that silently watched the whole scene from the recluse corner, eventually following her as everyone left.

''Do you want to talk about it?'' A steady voice startled her and she looked up, only to find Chuck Bass looking down at her somberly. Wind had swept his hair to the side, his red scarf tucked into lapels of his coat. He carefully sat down by her, his hands shoved in pockets.

Blair roughly wiped her tears, feeling her head grow hot and her heart grow cold. ''What would I talk to you about?'' She snapped, turning to glare at him, not caring that her nose was red and eyes puffy. ''You don't know me, I don't know you.''

''Perfect.'' He muttered, put off by the way she bit through his question.

''I'm currently not in the mood to listen to you, Chuck.'' Her eyes blazed fire and she got up, putting some distance between them. She felt the fused current of emotions; love which she still so ardently felt for him - and disgust.

Disgust at herself, disgust that she was willing to sacrifice everything to lead a life with him, to keep up with his friends, to please his family. She had sacrificed her own loved ones. He was just another reminder of her lies, of the life she had tried to live without any claim on it. ''Just leave me alone.''

''Why did your mother leave?'' He quietly asked, eyebrows knotted up as he looked up at her shivering form. She blankly looked at him, feeling the unyielding pull to his presence, to his essence, to his being - a pull that didn't let her leave his side, something magnetic that held her here, on this island, close to him. She hated herself because she was too weak to let him go.

''You honestly want to talk about my family problems?'' The sentence was meant to be sarcastic and merely a backhanded comment, but Chuck didn't avert his eyes from hers. He gazed at her with an unreadable, serious expression, silence filled with the sound of tree branches scraping and rustling against each other. There was something warm and familiar in the depths of his onyx colored eyes, a shade of the night, reminding her of mother's embrace.

''The person I hurt the most with my lies,'' She began, desperately holding onto his gaze, seeking that warmth and shadow of the comfort she felt just hours ago, snuggled up in rickety little bed with Jane. ''Was my mother.''

She turned away from him as another tear fell and she sensed him rise, smelled his perfume as he got closer, but didn't touch her.

''She covered up for me,'' Her voice trembled, but no tears fell, they stopped in silent terror. ''I pulled her in the lies when all she wanted to do was protect her only daughter. Can you imagine that? I destroyed my own mother. My poor, innocent mother. And you think you were the one who suffered the most.''

Week of suspension run out, it was time to go back to class. Chuck closed the doors of the administrative office behind him, slip with dean's signature in his hand officially approving his return. He crushed the paper and shoved it in his pocket, wordlessly exchanging tight nods with Anthony.

The prick had approached him just earlier, apologizing and begging for forgiveness. Embarrassing, really. Chuck was kind enough, he refrained himself from bashing Anthony's head and made him swear he'd never talk to Blair again. In fact, he made sure the asshole wouldn't breathe the same air as she did.

Despite yesterday's wired conversation, despite the fact that he felt like an utter idiot, wanting to offer her comfort yet not knowing how to, despite the fact that he left her alone in the park because he only seemed to make her cry harder - Chuck had still come today to look for Blair.

He would try again today and he would succeed. He would find the right words and try to make her feel better. Not make her feel good, he knew he was incapable of that - but just better would have to do. He even practiced a small speech during breakfast, but kept reminding himself not to touch her, not to do anything to upset her further. His touch only seemed to rile her up.

Chuck could be gentle. He could be tender. He could be someone Blair needed. He could be the someone he needed when his parents split up. He could be someone he needed when Bart escaped to Japan and Evelyn took a trip to Bora Bora with her post-divorce rebound guy. He could be someone he needed all those years he felt lonely and forgotten.

And in those painful memories of his own, Chuck Bass found the courage to approach her. But when he finally found Blair, she didn't seem upset. Contrary, she looked almost comforted.

There was a tanned hand on her shoulder. Controlled and smooth voice enveloped around them like a treacherous snake.

''I made her sick,'' Blair sniffed, her eyes still red, but voice steady. Had she even stopped crying since yesterday? ''You know that.''

You know that - the sentence implied the other person was familiar with the situation all too well. Unlike Chuck, who had no idea why Jane left, not until now at least.

''Your mother knew you'd get over this.'' Edward Morelli voiced all the thoughts Chuck was unable to, said all the words he wished to say, calmly stroked Blair's back and soothed her, doing everything Chuck craved to do. ''Otherwise, she'd never have left you.''

Chuck's guts churned and he stood frozen in place, watching them with silent agony, unable to look away.

''She believes in you.'' Every word was like a stab in his gut, a reminder of his failure, and he clenched his fists by his sides. ''Don't disappoint her now. Your mother is a strong woman and you're her daughter. Never forget that.''

Nothing could prepare him for small smile Blair gave to Morelli. It was a minuscule twitch of the muscles, an almost fleeting thing that could hardly be noticed - yet Chuck noticed it with every burning fiber of his body.

She hadn't smiled at him in months. The thought was devastating, like a punch in the nose and feeling that nasty crack of the broken bone.

He wanted to be the one she would come to. He wanted to be the one to listen to her problems. He wanted to be the one to comfort her. And she already had that someone else. Suddenly, his past seemed stupid and irrelevant, his pain laughable. Who was he compared to grand Edward Morelli; university professor whom all girl students drooled for, a yacht owner, a renegade Manhattan rich youth who drove motorbikes instead of limos?

''I'm glad you're here.'' Wind carried Blair's soft, gentle words to him and something in him died. The words he so begged to hear, uttered to someone else. Chuck took a staggering step back and disappeared back into the building, clutching his stomach, going away as he came - unnoticed and invisible.

It had been a week since Mother left, and not a day had passed that they didn't talk through the phone. The short, tight-throat conversation would be followed by pity party in her bedroom and a soggy pillowcase. Even Jessica, who took every advantage of Jane's absence to torture her further, knew not to bother her then.

''Waiting for your Ed?'' A lazy drawl pulled her out of revelry and she whipped her head around, only to meet the piercing stare of Chuck Bass. Blair knew his suspension came to a halt last week. Last week. Anger bubbled inside of her, as it always did when he wordlessly passed by her in the hall.

She hoped he would come talk to her again after that day in the park. Blair knew she was clouded by her violent emotions and grief, but if he had come again, she wouldn't be so cross with them. They would talk calmly.

They could do that, couldn't they?

The first couple of days, she had purposefully lingered by her locker between classes, secretly waiting to see if he would come. He did pass by. Her eyes would seek his, but Chuck's gaze would sweep over her as if she was one of those countless Yoga & Meditation posters on the wall you see everywhere.

Chuck seemed to go back to his old friends and completely ignore her. She even saw him talking to Anthony like nothing happened. He hadn't looked her way for days, let alone approach her. Something within her boiled, steamed at the thought.

''Yes.'' She said, irritated that his first sentence spoken to her would be a jab at Edward. Blair had been sitting in Constance courtyard, waiting him to come out. He had promised her to help her out with Business Strategy notes after classes and possible projects in this semester. ''Yes, I'm waiting for Professor Morelli.''

''Don't call him that,'' He snapped, upper lip curled. ''You're giving me a headache with your faux ceremony.''

Blair's nostrils flared in indignation. He was being hostile again. He, who had forsaken and abandoned her completely when she needed him the most only to go back to his previous life and now he dared to provoke her with Edward Morelli?

''Would you like me to call daddy instead?'' She took a jab with a malicious smile, rising up from the seat to look him directly in the eye.

''Would you change anything if I wanted it?'' He sardonically countered. ''Don't you understand? That man is in here now, taking a permanent position in Constance. Who is he here for, huh?''

''Is that the topic of today?'' She hissed, well-aware they both knew Edward is here for her. Her gaze darted around, seizing students that slowly started to file out of the building. ''Is this how you want to talk about it?''

''You never wanted to talk before,'' He retorted and leaned towards her, eyes flashing.

''Why should I?'' She arched her brow, daring him. ''Oh, now that we're here - why isn't our home being taken away? How is it that your men didn't come to kick us out? What are you waiting for?''

''Don't push my buttons.'' He clenched his jaw. People started to throw curious glances at them, surprised to find them engaged in a conversation when broken power couple seemed to be leading silent, cold war.

''And why ever not?'' She pressed on relentlessly, all the anger that had been building within in her the past few days, coming to the brim. ''What else is going to happen? What are you going to do about it?''

''It's because of that night,'' Their gazes locked and Blair's breath couldn't help but to catch under the intensity. ''Right?''

Somehow, she managed to control her breathing.

The stormy night that he proposed she slept with him to pay off the debt. She remembered the way rain fell hard against his windows, filling the dark bedroom with the steady thrumming of the downpour. Blair suppressed a shiver at the mixed emotions that overwhelmed her; a pleasing feeling that she shouldn't feel surged through her every time she thought of that night. A feeling that shouldn't be there, mingling with ire.

Flattery. Pleasure.

She would have given herself to him that night, if he hadn't been so cruel to bring debt into it.

''You disgust me.'' She turned away from him to go, secretly embarrassed by her private thoughts.

''I came here to talk to you last time,'' He grabbed her by the elbow, spinning her around to face him. There was a look on Chuck's face that showed he was nowhere near done with her. ''And that guy appeared out of nowhere. We couldn't talk, but now you'll listen to me and I'll be listening to you.''

''Why?'' She snagged her arm back and brushed the hair away from her forehead in frustration. ''Because you suddenly feel like it? I'm tired, Chuck. I've been trying to explain myself to you for months and you didn't bother to hear me out. Not even once. I don't care anymore.''

''You should have forced me to listen to you.'' He lashed out, eyes blazing with fire. His hand somehow found it's way to her waist, gripping it with fervor as he leaned down to further his point.

''Oh?'' She questioned sarcastically, oblivious to shrinking proximity between them, completely submerged in the heated argument, but aware of his hand, of his every finger and the thrilling feeling his touch aroused in the pit of her stomach. ''Before or after each time you kicked me out? You didn't believe a single word I said, what do you expect?''

By now, the courtyard was filled with students who all paused to get a snip of the conversation, eager to know what the scorned lovers discussed. With them came out Edward Morelli, searching around for his pupil, tightly grasping on to a Business Strategy textbook. Blair didn't notice any of those things.

''Do you trust me, Chuck?'' The voice was lowered to an anxious whisper, her eyes frantically searching his, world drowning out until there was nothing but onyx shade, warm color with spots of amber. And in that enchanting palette, there was a painful flicker of doubt. Her face was crestfallen as he looked away from her, unable to answer, confirming her fears.

''You don't.'' She spoke quietly.

Wind picked up the pace, ruffling her hair and the sudden coldness in her bones had nothing to do with the weather. She detached his hand from her waist, her heart trembling with disappointment and bitterness.

''There's no point in me saying anything to you then.''

''You'll talk to me,'' He grit forcefully through his teeth, a sliver of panic in his voice, trapping her wrist and pulling her back towards him. ''And you'll hear me out in return.''

''What's wrong with you?'' She lashed out furiously after a shocked pause and tried to pull back her arm, but he wouldn't let her go. His hand was like an iron around her skin and Blair felt her heart expand with every second he held her close to him. Anytime now, it would explode and butterflies which she so fervently tried to stifle would come out bursting with the full force. ''Talk, Blair! Listen, Blair! Go ahead and cry, Blair! I'll do whatever I want, Blair! Well, do it! Do whatever the hell you want, you're used to it anyway. I don't care! I don't care anymore!''

There was a moment of pause, as there always is before these great moments, where trees still their leaves and people stop in motion. The shift of the tide is palpable, air crackling with electric sparks as two chipped parts mend in a single unique piece - perfect in their imperfection. The restless wind died only to give life to the broken beauty of the kiss.

Chuck crashed his mouth against hers, his lips burning as they imprinted on her. There was no subtle tingling, there was no feathery touch - there was fire and there was pandemonium, as there always is with them. The hungry collision filled her vision with fluttering of thousands of the golden wings before her eyes closed, willingly letting the warm onyx fill her world.

And Blair kissed him back with everything sky gives to the ground and he took it just like the desert soaks up every single drop - ardently and with love.