Chapter Thirty-Seven
Forgive Me
''Can you break my bones?
Will you tear my skin?
Can you taste my lust?
Can you feel my sin?''
The world came to a sudden halt, like a car crash that pauses right at the peak of a collision, taking everything sane with it. Edge of Blair's vision flickered like a corrupted TV screen, not quite knowing whether it was a night terror or not. As it usually happens in nightmares, any ability to speak or form a coherent thought was lost, legs glued to the floor. Muted by some higher force, all she could do was helplessly watch as he drew even breaths, his eyes focused on the crack in the mirror on the opposite wall.
It used to be much more beautiful, she wanted to say. The mirror had seen it's glory days, but they were long gone. Once expensive piece that even hung at mayor's living room at some point, was now merely shadow of it's former self, hanging on the barren wall. It's golden flame still shone, but the reflective surface was spotty and corrosive.
Chuck Bass, epitome of Upper East Side purposefully bred perfection, flawless in his tailored suit and combed hair, was there, in her dusty, arm-length bedroom. Nausea took over as she leaped out of her own body, and regarded the scene from a distance. What a horrifying view it was.
Only now had she noticed black mold spots in the each corner of the ceiling, clinging like an unwelcome guest. Chipped paint on the wall revealed ugly gray plaster underneath. Low window shook with the winter wind, letting in freezing air through the cracks. Howl it made went all the way into Blair's heart.
It was cold and screamed of poverty. No lies could hide her rotten misery. Nothing could prepare her for the wave of shame that overflowed the floor, climbing up her thigh and enveloping her chest in an agonizing tight embrace.
''You shouldn't be here,'' Her body croaked out and he snapped his head towards it, but remained sitting - arms locked around that damned pillow. Invisible Blair paced the small room and shuffled her textbooks on the shelf. They needed to be alphabetized. Why weren't they alphabetized? Why were the edges ripped and covers stained? Why did everything had to be hand-me-down around here?
Still, he didn't move, but she noticed the glint in his eyes, the strange new way in which he regarded her and she was terrified of it.
''You need to leave,'' She once again urged, and invisible Blair threw the books down on the floor in frustration. No matter how hard she tidied, no neatness, no expensive-looking clothes, no Georgina's curtain could hide her true status at that very moment. ''Now. Someone might come in-''
''Blair!'' Dad's voice rang from the living room and she was once again one with herself. ''Get in here!''
Chuck quickly rose from the bed, pillow in hands, but she silenced him with one quick, panicked look.
''Where's that damn dinner?'' Bob demanded, wiping his hands on a kitchen towel, leaving a black oily stain. ''I'm starving. I've been working my ass off down in the basement with Dan. How 'bout you look up to your brother and make yourself useful sometimes?''
''I didn't prepare anything, I just got here-''
''You what?'' He drawled in annoyance, glancing at her. ''Where the hell have you been?''
''In the library,'' She confidently lied, remembering how Emilia said she wanted to keep her visit a secret. Remembering her father was all she had right now from range of people that left her, abandoned her and forgotten her. No matter how jagged his love was, it was still love and most importantly - he was here.
''When I come back home, I want dinner waiting for me on the table. Clear?''
''Where's Jessica?'' She began to ask, aware Chuck was listening to this conversation because they had paper-thin walls, nothing could be hidden here - no, nothing at all. She clutched her fists, knowing how this all looked to him; like a primitive conversation between a redneck and his daughter and she blushed, wanting the ground to swallow her. ''Why can't she do it-'.'
''I said is that clear?'' Bob growled, his firm look signaling the discussion was over.
Blair reluctantly nodded, knowing there was no point in carrying this on. ''Mom told me to remind you to take pills for your heart.''
Bob froze, his eyes for some reason slowly turning misty, but all he did was vaguely nod and she waited until he picked a tool from the nearby drawer and was gone back where he came from, his back hunched. She returned to her bedroom and nearly knocked into Chuck.
His eyes were jumpy and searching. They didn't speak, but their breaths couldn't help but to intermingle in this small space and she felt the orchestra of defeat within her. It was followed by another wave of shame, unannounced and vast and she leaned on the cold wall, arms behind her back, staring at the small window that looked out on other people's feet.
''I found out about the debt,'' He hoarsely said and she sensed he was trying to get her to look at him, but she couldn't make herself to meet his gaze. ''The doors were open, I couldn't help but to get in.''
''Is it everything you thought it was?'' Blair bit out, knowing she was just scared, not really angry, yet the words rolled off her tongue in lashes. Debt was furthest from her mind now, because right then, in that miniature room, their differences screamed and crawled through her ears. ''Behold the infamous janitor's home. This here is my room. That there is a mirror we brought from upstairs. It doesn't really fit in here, does it?''
''Just like you,'' She finished quietly. The whisperings multiplied, voices of doubt enveloping them with black, thorny wings. And in that darkness, a star shone, burning comet searing through night sky - shedding light on the inevitable the truth. Truth that lurked from the beginning, hidden and ignored.
A truth that they could never fit together.
''So this is where I live,'' She elaborated bitterly, remembering the soft touch of his silk sheets, the warmness of his bedroom floor, the spacious pristine jointed bathroom, perfectly fitted walk-in closet and vast, ceiling-high windows. How odd must it all seem to him... How alien. How pathetic. ''This is where I sleep, do my homework, daydream. This is where I constantly raked my head about us. Tell me something, how does your world look like from over here?''
He didn't say anything, his eyes kept reverting to that crack in the mirror. How strange would that crack look to eyes that previously saw nothing but luxury and aesthetic perfection. In this case, she was the crack and he was the beautiful, untouched golden frame.
''See how far the rest of the world seems?'' She felt the tightness of her throat, warm tears pooling behind her eyes. ''Do you understand now?''
Because all the lies she said were to bury down the truth and serve as glue to fit their pieces together - her jagged ends and his smooth corners - but they were too different to ever stick. Chuck looked up, his eyebrows knotting and she hated the way he stared at her - in dumb shock - as if this was all weird channel on TV for society cremé to gape at. She wasn't even an actress, not even one of those side-kicks or one-liners. The only actor here was him and she was nothing but a piece of rusty furniture in shabby room, part of set background.
Blair angrily wiped her tears away, forcing open the doors. ''Go away. You need to leave.''
After he didn't move, after he kept rooted to the spot, she stalked out and let him follow her to the living room. His Burberry perfume didn't belong here. His clean-shaved face didn't belong here. His expensive coat would look hilarious on her old hanger. They were animals and he didn't belong here. Pushing the front doors open, they were met by Dan.
''What the fuck are you doing here?'' Her brother seethed after a startled pause and without waiting for another moment, as if he waited his whole life to do that one thing, landed a punch on Chuck Bass' face.
''No!'' she screamed out while the crimson blood gushed from his split-open lip and he staggered back in shock. An instinct to protect him, a living pulsing need to keep him safe throbbed in her, moving her limbs and setting them in motion. Like a lioness, something in her roared with might and she set her deadly glare against her own brother, standing between them in a challenge. Being stronger than her, psychical power not caring to know the strength of ardor, Dan carelessly pushed her away, and Blair was shoved in the corner.
''Did you come here to gloat, you motherf-'' Dan was like a feral animal. Someone that definitely belonged in here. Teeth set in a snarl, eyes blazing fire; he tried to land another punch, but Chuck surprisingly neatly dodged it. Her brother's purple fist connected with air. Thrown with force and gravity, he stumbled over chair, knocking a small dining table aside.
Blair noticed one thing in the midst of the chaos. It was the way Chuck clutched his untouched fists, keeping them at sides, not raising them - as if refusing to strike back. As if refusing to succumb to the volatile ways of the animal kingdom.
She remembered the way he lashed out on Anthony weeks ago, the way he went after his very own best friend Nate - all out of jealousy. He had succumbed to animal ways before then, he knew that jungle all too well, walked it's dangerous path with familiarity. What was so different now?
''Dan, stop!'' She cried once again with voice of a storm and rush of the footsteps could be heard, the incoming river in an uproar, heels clicking against the marble stairs of the lobby. Next second, heads peaked in the apartment, swirl of different expensive perfumes and Georgina screamed at the scene. Dan and Chuck froze at the sound, turning to look at the crowd that gathered at the front doors.
''What the hell is going on?'' Diana demanded, hand at her throat. ''Dan, explain this!''
Dan let go of Chuck's collar, wide eyes darting around each residents with alarm.
''Mr. Bass, you should press charges!'' One of the residents in suit behind him exclaimed, shaking finger in the air. ''This is unacceptable! What an outrage! Who do they think they are?''
Chuck Bass merely wiped his bloody chin and glanced at crimson trail on his hand. Blair sought his eyes, sought his gaze to assure that he was okay, to tend to him because he was alone here, in this building, with nobody to clean his wound - but Chuck already left, shouldering past searching prosecutors.
Dan glared scornfully, looking satisfied with this undeserved victory, all arrogance and pomp. ''It's his fault! Coming into my home-''
''This isn't your home!'' Diana spat, her lips set in a tight line. ''This apartment is bound to building and janitor job! You didn't buy this place and as far as my knowledge goes, you're not the janitor. Do you greet anyone who comes here with fists and punches? Fighting and violence is not something we tolerate around here!''
''Not in this building!'' Someone shouted, adding. ''This used to be a good neighborhood until you came!''
''Exactly,'' She continued, moving away from the doors so someone could come through. ''Oh, good. Mr. Bob, you're finally here.''
''What happened?'' Their father breathed, wiping sweat off his forehead, looking around at the chaos in his home - scattered chairs and flipped table. ''Is everything alright?''
''Your son keeps causing havoc, Mr. Bob. He was caught striking one of the residents. We warned you last time, if anything like this happened again, there would be repercussions. Your son crossed that line again. Not to mention we've ignored many times noise from this apartment. You're not exactly the family that talks things through calmly. I'm sorry, but your reliability and our peace is on line here. We will have emergency residents meeting this weekend. It will be decided if we will keep you any longer.''
Several heads nodded in agreement and one by one, residents went back to their respective lush apartments, satisfied with the extremity of the result.
''I warned you,'' Diana said, but this time she was looking at Blair. ''This could very well be your last week in this building. We'll let you know of our decision. Have a good night.''
There were 159 tiles on the floor. 159 ugly tatami tan tiles. Blair counted them, even double and triple checked. If she stood on the farthest left corner of the Management Club room, you could see twelve bare trees through the window, stretching further onto the street. If you stood on the right corner, only six would be visible due to the left wing of the Constance building.
It had been an hour and Chuck still hadn't come to finish the project. She had tried calling him, a phone call he never returned. She had tried texting him, a text that went unanswered.
If he only knew how much courage it took her to press few simple buttons on the phone. How her heart furiously drummed against the rib-cage, intent on wearing itself out. How her hands trembled so bad she could barely get a grip on the old thing. And the overwhelming sense of dejection as he completely ignored her, not even bothered to reply 'no'.
She sensed something ominous when she woke up this morning. The feeling multiplied as soon as she saw him on his way to class. A shadow flickered over his left shoulder, like a haunting harbinger. She couldn't let him pass her by, not after what happened yesterday. Not after she realized she couldn't pretend anymore because she still loved him. Even now, as he etched scars over her heart.
''Does it hurt?'' Blair whispered, her hand raising mid-air towards wound on his lip. She ached to soothe it, to caress his cheek, to make him promise he would never scare her like that again. Chuck said nothing, merely stared at her with impassive look on his face, not even acknowledging the outstretched hand. After an uncomfortable silence, it limply fell down, knuckles red with frost.
Blair wanted to come to him last night, wanted to check if he was alright - but there was no escaping prison of home.
''I'm sorry it happened,'' She said softly, rubbing her forearms, feeling cold.
Still, he kept quiet and continued to stare at her as if she was nothing but air. Crowd started to gather around them, students on their way to class, and she took a shaky step towards him to get closer to his light, to his darkness. But in response, he took a step back and turned his back, walking away.
Someone entered the club room, but it wasn't him and she quickly asserted ''It's taken.''
''What?'' The person scoffed in disbelief. ''It's a Club, not movie seats.''
''As a president I can make this into North Korea if I want,'' she grit through her teeth, not in the mood to bicker. ''Now please show yourself out.''
Yes, she had managed to overthrow Richard Spencer last week and gain the Management Club. And there was absolutely nobody to tell this to. Penelope was still in London and busy with her superb London life. Her family didn't care. Mother offered her congratulations, but they were half-hearted. Jane didn't know how hard she tried, how important that was to her.
Blair re-arranged the project papers for the tenth time that afternoon, re-checked if all the materials were in place and sharpened all the pencils - again. Had Chuck forgotten? Was it possible that he left his phone at home? Still, he would have come here to check-up, as they always did. They would have finished this together, as they started it.
Had he forgotten or had he finally came to his senses last night?
He saw how poor she was, he saw how miserable and unexciting her life is, he saw all that and much more. He saw and realized he could never love someone like her; someone with too complicated yokel family. Someone who had nothing to offer. Someone too broken to be fixed. Someone who would be nothing but a waste of time. There was nothing appealing about her.
Blair walked to window, grayness of the day was cold and metallic, slivering in through the translucent glass. Her family found out about debt last night, but the mirth was over-shadowed with that incident. She remembered the way Dan dug his fingers into her shoulders later on, leaving two bruises, and demanded to know what the hell Chuck Bass wanted here.
And she lied. She lied for him, though swore to herself that her life would be nothing short of tribute to honesty.
He asked for a spare key, she said with surprisingly detached voice. I swear that's all he did.
And once again, her father brushed over Dan's culpability for the mayhem with residents, shrugged off his blame and left everything to God's will.
It will be what He decides is the best, he kissed the cross that hung around his neck, clutching his chest and crumpling the plaid shirt.
They would end up homeless and nobody cared. She would end up on the street and nobody cared. Did they even let mom know?
Looking down on the courtyard, she noticed Nate and Serena casually sitting on one of the benches, their backs turned to her. Nate played with furry ball on Serena's cap, then whispered something in her ear that made her crack up with laughter. Paige waved at them from the gates, hailing herself a cab. Anthony was schmoozing some freshmen nearby. The world went on without her. Nobody would even notice if she disappeared right now.
She spotted Chuck walking out of the building and join his best friends, as if this was just a casual day, just a regular Monday in their vibrant Upper East Side life.
Blair's heart leaped at the sight of him, it marveled as his lips spread into a small boyish smile, reserved for only several people on this planet. It nearly stopped as he casually checked his phone, his face hidden in shadow.
He had his phone with him after all. He saw her missed call and ignored it.
Heart furiously throbbed as he indifferently put it back in pocket and resumed a smile, but then he looked up, his eyes clashing with hers - as if he knew the whole time she was watching him. Blair froze on the spot, not daring to breathe lest she broke the moment, as they stared at each other, as his smile dropped to a stony grimace. It lasted but a second and then he was gone.
Something in her throat grew, like a bubble that demanded more space, painfully sought more room. She tried to swallow it down, but it hurt and her knees trembled. Blair staggered away from the window, dropped on the table in front of project and stared at the open books.
Why was her heart breaking, shattering into thousand fractures that continued to break into smaller parts and so on into a malevolent infinity? Hadn't she been through all of this already?
No, this was different. The more she tried to wipe the tears away, the more they fell among the broken letters and drawings. This was entirely different matter. The pain was fresh, strikingly vicious.
This was confirmation of all her crippling doubts and fears, this was something that couldn't be slept through or solved by a long, hot bath. It was like reading a favorite book for the first time and coming to the last chapter. It was the sudden heartbreaking realization that there would be no happy ending and gloomy knowledge that author left no epilogue to be comforted by.
The clock on the wall ticked loudly in deafening silence. So Blair did what any sensible girl should do in times like those; she used up all her pent up energy and frustration, and focused them on getting the last part of the project done.
It was already dark outside when she finished and handed over her work to Morelli, standing in his office. The room was lit only by a green Tiffany lamp on the desk, model boat next to it casting shadow on the walls. He was relaxed in his leather office chair, looking as dashing as ever in cream colored high-collared sweater. His sandy hair was pushed back in a handsome mess, like those Rockabilly boys did it in the fifties.
''Where's your partner?'' He asked as she approached, rubbing his eyes under the brown round vision glasses. He took them off and sighed, ''It's snowing outside.''
They both glanced out and sure enough, there were white fluffs of snow drifting through air and landing on the window sill. Thin coat of snow, that had fallen that afternoon, covered the university court. The first snow was usually a special moment filled with mellow happiness, but magic of today was stuck somewhere, lost up above in the dark murky clouds.
''I don't know,'' She replied indifferently, butting up her coat. ''Would that be all?''
Ed flipped open the pages and noticed couple of drops near the end. His brow furrowed as realization dawned on him. ''What happened?''
''Nothing,'' She stated distant, eyes unnaturally empty. ''Nothing at all.''
''Blair...'' He whispered in concern, setting down the paper.
''The project is done. You wanted us to work together and we did. You wanted us to resolve our issues and we did. Now if you'll excuse me-''
''Blair,'' Ed shot up from his chair and caught up with her at the doors, worried. ''This isn't what I wanted. Talk to me. Did he do something to you?''
''I-,'' Words played around her tongue, dozens of different stories swirling around in circle; Chuck, Emilia, mother, Georgina. But something in Ed's look had her backpedaling, questions that were pushed aside regarding him were now, in this cold emptiness, brought back to life. ''Isn't this exactly what you wanted?''
He let go of her wrist and slowly drew himself up. ''What do you mean?''
She could sense wheels in his head spinning, spinning and spinning - until they finally stopped at last place he expected them to. His ignorance seemed ill fabricated and she decided to push the matter until everything hidden came to surface. If she had no peace, neither would anyone else have. He was the only one she had right now and there was no other choice but to push him away too.
''You know very well what I mean,'' She insisted, remembering Chuck's jealousy, Diana's wrath and the way Morelli never left her side, never let her go - despite her sins and misdeeds. ''Why won't you finally tell me the truth? You've preached so much about honesty and being true to yourself, but you can't follow up to your own advice?''
''Can you handle to hear the truth?'' He spoke quietly, that calm aura around him vibrating and brewing with storm.
''Can you be brave enough to tell me?''
The question was barely out of her mouth when his answer came rocketing through, like something catapulted from the other side of solar system.
''I'm in love with you,'' He said with such a tight voice, it seemed as if there were thousand different voices inside of him - all struggling to be set free. He said it as if it was something he came to terms with long time ago, something that grew with him like two fig trees grow and intertwine together.
''I have to go,'' She muttered and disappeared into the cold night.
Blair rushed home, rushed up the stairs when elevator was taken, rushed as her heart beat in unexplained anticipation. Something was going on in universe, some shifts were set in motion, rusty wheels starting to turn and she could feel it in. She could smell the change in air.
Something was about to happen and it had nothing to do with residents council this weekend. It had nothing to do with her family, debt or Morelli. With raging pulse, Blair knocked on Chuck's door, but they slid open and chilly gust of wind howled through it.
''Hello?'' She shakily called out before coming in, noticing the open window, swirling silken curtains. ''Chuck?''
Living room and kitchen looked as they always did - unused - and she closed the window, shivering as snowflakes slowly entered through, creeping in and melting into non-existence. The swirl settled and she inhaled his perfume that still lingered in the air, as if he had just been here. Anxious and drowning in apprehension, she followed the scent and walked through the hall to his bedroom to find him, her hand gliding over the smooth wall.
''Chuck?'' She called out once again, but whatever else she was about to say died on her lips.
Bed hadn't been slept in, drawers were left open and vacant, closet lacked the usual color-coordinated row of suits. Hangers were left empty, hanging on the rack in desolation. The place was abandoned. She noticed key copies on the night table and Blair couldn't but to drop on his bed, put her nose to his pillow - a place where his perfume was strongest - and inhale deeply.
Chuck Bass had finally left.
Do you ever spend days on autopilot? Do you ever get dressed in the morning, listen to the news, go through classes, talk to your friends and at the end of the day - have no recollection of the things you've done, of the words you've said?
You feel no actual hunger, no thirst. No amount of coffee helps, the world seems to be frozen in spot. Wind howls without a sound, sun shines dimly, everything is distant and muted. Everything is a copy of a copy of a copy, as one movie once said. There is only omnipresent feeling of a lack.
Blair felt a lack.
It was Saturday evening and she was sitting on her bed, packed suitcase under her feet. If it was up to her, she would walk out of here with nothing but a toothbrush. Blair owned nothing but memories and they were stuck here, in this small apartment. There were dozen of people upstairs, far on the top of this crowned building, deciding on the faith of her family right now - dissecting them like frogs, weighing their vices and virtues.
Would they feel sorry for them? Would anyone defend them, remind the prestigious neighborhood of the years and years of service they provided? Diana Sparks seemed to be intent on kicking them out of the place. Whatever Diana Sparks wanted, Diana Sparks got. It is how the world revolved, the way rich people wanted it.
Blair felt resigned.
Resigned to break the ties with everyone from her life and start anew. She would run away to LA. She would beg Cyrus Rose to take her in. If begging wouldn't do, she'd be forced to resort to blackmail. How impressed would press be to learn of forgotten daughter of Eleanor Rose-Waldorf? Of hidden adoption? Of the mysterious father?
Blair would fight and kick to remain above water and not be dragged down into dark oblivion. She would burn to keep herself alive. She would burn as many as bridges as necessary.
Because the only bridge that ever matter was shattered, demolished and dust disappeared with the passing wind. Chuck Bass moved away almost a week ago and never came to class anymore. Rumor had it, he spent his days in Tropic - not getting drunk, but managing the club and finances. Chuck Bass was excelling in business; a ''rising star of entertainment industry'' as the papers put it. He looked better than ever and everything he touched seemed to turn to gold. And she was here, wearing a coat of sorrow that refused to slip off her tired shoulders.
He had moved on and it hurt. It hurt so much everything in her seemed to shut off.
She couldn't even feel sorry for Jessica who apparently miscarried and spent few last days in hospital. She felt no remorse for her father that patiently sat by phone, waiting for the news that would have them on street by Sunday morning. She felt no grief for her brother that was somewhere out on the street in this night, freezing and his mind raving.
She felt nothing. Not a single thing.
The phone rang and she gingerly rose. The decision had been made.
''We're staying,'' Bob breathed out after he hung up, hand on his heart. ''They voted and we're allowed to stay. Thank God Almighty.''
''Okay,'' Blair nodded, for some reason crestfallen, and she was out of the home, running through lobby and walked out on the street. Nobody was out, lamp shone on wet pavement, lightning the cement and lined limos. Whole world seemed to be asleep.
It was cold and she shivered, but it felt good because the emptiness was too much to bear and Blair desperately wanted to feel something, wanted to get away from here, wanted to escape and never come back. The harsh cold was like fire on her skin and it felt invigorating.
Staying here meant sleeping in the bed of pain, in the cage of home, knowing Chuck was lost, knowing he moved on, but she was still here - still stuck in love.
''Going out to celebrate?'' A voice sneered behind.
''Your shining knight saved your family,'' Georgina came up to her, arms crossed at chest in obvious frustration. ''How touching. He bought the apartment just to save you; a damsel in distress. You should check out the ownership certificate, it may have your name on it.''
''What are you talking about?'' Blair straightened and flashed her a glare, not knowing if she was serious or not. Who was she talking about? A shining knight?
''Playing the pity card, how smart of you,'' Her childhood friend went on, but there was anger in her eyes, mouth set in a perpetual frown - much like her late father. ''What have you promised him? What did you have to offer to him so Chuck would buy the place?''
Her narrowed gaze roamed over body in contempt and something hit Blair's chest, an electric feeling that moved the curtain aside and she was finally able to breathe, to feel completely. Finally, she felt alive. Feeling alive meant being human, but being human meant being weak.
''What did you just say?'' Her head snapped up, wind moving her wild tresses and tangling them. ''Chuck bought the apartment?''
Georgina rolled her eyes, grabbing a cigarette out of her pocket and lightning it. ''Is this the Broadway hour? You playing dumb and me explaining things to you?''
''Fine, have it your way. So the tonight's episode of Big Brother of Upper East Side went something like this; I voted you out, as did half of people there because you're a scum - you and your family. Jenny stupid Humphrey for some reason voted you in along with the rest of the residents. I guess she's feeling very Mother Theresa these days. Just as we were about to agree to kick you out, Chuck swoops in, hands over ownership contract, because if you're simply renting the place - you don't have a say in council. And then he votes you in. Just like that.''
Was it possible? Could it be that he - ?
By now, Georgina was maniacally laughing, but her hands shook and she was rummaging pockets for something. Blair watched her pop a pill or two, muttering ''When will this stupid shit finally start working?'', but she couldn't focus on anything, her heart was hammering, her thoughts a jumbled mess.
Shaking, Blair walked back in and took an elevator to the last floor.
He opened as soon as she rang the bell. Their gaze locked and Blair blurted out the question ''Why did you do it? Why did you save my family?''
There was no point in beating around the bush. They have already wasted too much time. There was no point in pretending, in lying anymore. They saw each other's faces - worst and best. She backed him in to the corner of the hall and shut the doors behind her, continuing as he said nothing, his mouth decidedly closed.
''Is this another trick up your sleeve? Are you not done?''
His gaze suddenly darkened and he sharply glanced at her, pulling collar of his crisp shirt. ''I didn't do it for them.''
''I thought you left,'' She went on after small pause, baffled by the promise of his answer, but the hurt was hidden under note of anger. Because promises bred hope and hope bred misery. ''I thought you and I were threw. What's this? Another blackmail? Like that night?''
''Yeah, let's talk about that night,'' He finally snapped, clenching his jaw. Chuck's cocked his head and pressed closer to her. ''Why did I do what I did that night? To hurt you?''
She gulped loudly, her heart hammering as the snow soundlessly fell in thick piles outside.
''To humiliate you? To test you, Blair?''
Name on his lips triggered something inside of her and she realized how close they were, how strong his perfume was, how real the whole scene was. How dangerous. She felt the butterflies coming home, swarming around in her stomach and pulled away from the source of it, from him, but his step simply followed her as if they were two pieces of the same machine, two instruments of the same orchestra.
''Or is it because I wanted you?'' His voice was nothing but a sultry whisper and she wished he would shout at her, that he would break the moment because tide was shifting and she could do nothing about it. He stood still like a panther, not looking away from her, at the same time his gaze demanding something she was afraid to give. ''Because we're not threw?''
Her back hit the wall and she felt her guard lowering, the instinct to protect herself around him blowing into bits, remains turning to ashes. They were being carried away by the waves and none of them was trying to save themselves.
''No, we're not threw,'' Blair felt her knees go weak. Everything that could be felt at that moment surged through her like a scorching fire. She looked up at him, deep into his onyx eyes, and finally realized why hurricanes were named after people.
''We're not,'' His gaze flickered to her plump lips and she felt the hurtling world come to a standstill as he placed his arms on the each side of her head. His breath was hot on her cheek and she pressed her thighs together, feeling deliciously dizzy, her own breathing picking up the pace. ''I can't go on like this anymore, Blair. It's driving me insane, being without you.''
And if she felt dizzy then, after those words everything changed, everything shifted, everything crashed and rebuilt again. The fear was gone, the fear that they would hurt each other diminished into nothingness and all she could distinguish was how much she adored him in that very moment.
''I still want you,'' He whispered, leaning his forehead against hers. ''I still love you, Blair.''
Something passed from his eyes to hers, an emotion that couldn't be put into words and she realized that all this time, their love grew while they both thought it to be dead. It flourished, filling them up with tenderness and aching need for each other that they hid, hid it with skill of a prosecutor.
''Do you love me too?''
The way his lips moved, the raw passion in his words - it played with strings of her heart. He didn't touch her, he didn't need to, his eyes were making love to her already. All Blair could do was push herself off the wall and press her mouth against his, in agony for the taste of him.
He tasted as sweet as she remembered, but this time there was no desperate urgency in the kiss. Their tongues slowly worked, letting themselves get to know each other again, letting themselves feel what it meant to be lost and then found. They couldn't let go of each other anymore. Their hands explored each other as if they've never touched before and he was carrying her to the bedroom, their clothes lost on the floor.
Chuck gently lay her down on unmade bed, but before he planted another kiss, before they finally became one - she urged, quite breathless, ''I never stopped loving you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything.''
And he froze, looking down at her blushing face. The desire in his eyes simmered down as her regret, her pain mirrored his own. Chuck slowly gathered her in his arms, kissing her with each, ''I know. I'm sorry too'', assuring her that she was not alone anymore. ''I promise we'll make this work.''
Finally, he was there and he was here to stay.
A/N: Happy birthday to reader that asked if I could post today. I wasn't planning to, but since it's your very special day I decided to make you happy and finish writing the chapter :) Congrats, I hope you had a great day! And I hope you like what I posted ((I even skipped sending it out to beta so I could upload faster. It's UNEDITED)).