Chapter Thirty-Eight
Hurt
''Then they were locked in a passionate embrace,
seeking and finding the love they had been pushing aside for so long.''
Blair could still feel his weight on her, even now as she lay alone in her darkened bedroom, hours after. The ghost touch of his fingers brushing over her flaming skin. His taste still lingered on her lips, his perfume entwined in her hair, the imprint of his grip on her thighs, all left as they were carried away with raging passion.
He had left not bruises, but proud love marks, etched into her skin like tattoos on a tribal warrior.
They had been through hell and back, and those tattoos were the symbol of their victory, a medal of honor. The smile refused to come off her face, like a spring in the icy grips of the winter. It was well past midnight, a school night nonetheless, but sleep was nowhere to be found tonight.
Because for the first time in her life, she didn't need dreams. They were unwanted. Finally, reality was far better than any illusion her mind could generate. Something knocked on her window glass and she shot up, alert.
Blair froze, keeping her breath, straining her ears, waiting to see if it was just her imagination. Perhaps it was just a stray cat rummaging through the nearby dumpsters? Or maybe somebody was attempting to break in? It was, after all, New York. Surely enough, another series of knocks, wait no - taps - came and she rolled quietly off the bed and covertly grabbed the heaviest textbook from the shelf. Blair gingerly opened the window and peered into the darkness, holding up the book as a shield.
''Hello?''
''It's me.'' A whisper came out of the darkness, much like the sound of the wind, and Chuck's face came into the moonlight. As the fear melted away at the sight of his face, passing like the first snow. That overflowing emotion came thundering in, sweeping her off her feet and carrying away everything that didn't bear their name.
'She exhaled in relief, letting out a small nervous laugh and dropped the book on the bed. ''What are you doing here?''
''I couldn't wait upstairs any longer,'' He gripped the bars of her window, his knuckles red with frost. The night was starless, a solitary supermoon shone down upon them. ''I needed to see if you were okay.''
''I texted you,'' She shivered as a cold wind blew into her bedroom, and Blair put her warm hands over his. ''It's cold for you to be out like this. I'm okay. They didn't suspect anything.''
''I had to be sure,'' He leaned up to plant her a swift kiss. His nose was cold, iron bars scalding with ice at her cheeks. But garden inside of her chest bloomed with warm sunshine. Blair wanted him here with her, always and forever, but a dark thought spread over like an ominous fog.
''Are you going to leave again?'' Her voice trembled as she broke away, clutching tighter to his hands. Chuck looked taken aback for a moment, mist coming from his mouth as he labored breaths, silence elongating.
''I didn't leave because I wanted to,'' He said gravely, eyes focused on her face. ''I left because I couldn't protect you. My very presence was hurting you.''
Blair recalled the way Dan had thrown a fit when he saw Chuck, the way their families hated each other, it made something sinister in her gnaw silently on her newfound happiness.
''Am I taking you to class tomorrow?''
I'm in love with you.
Morelli was in love with her. Her friend had confessed to being in love with her. And she had his class tomorrow. She remembered the fervor with which Ed looked at her, as if she was everything he would ever need in his life. His vivid blue eyes had sparkled with an intense electricity.
''Blair?'' Chuck spoke her name softly, gently pulling her back out of the wild range of emotions that just played within her soul.
''No,'' Blair quickly said, ignoring the growing anxiety, and in that very moment decided to keep Ed's matter a secret. There was no need for Chuck to know, it would only upset him further. Besides, it was something she could deal with alone. ''Dan is taking me to school. He thinks I need a bodyguard ever since he found you here.''
Chuck regarded her for few moments
''I'll take you back home then,'' he smiled, pulling back his hand away from under hers. ''Good night, Blair.''
Blair was alone in the Business Strategy club. Iz's notes from today were sprawled haphazardly across the table and she was doing her best to quickly copy them. Doors opened and in walked the last person she wanted to see, someone she had been deliberately avoiding all day. Blair rose to leave, but one quick look from him had her sitting back down.
''You know it isn't a smart move for someone on scholarship to skip classes.'' Ed calmly said, approaching her with measured steps.
''It's not a smart move for a professor to fall in love with a student either,'' She bit back, lowering her pencil.
''Why haven't you been attending my classes?''
With pursed lips, Blair simply raised her left eyebrow, as if the answer to that question was stupidly obvious.
''You can choose to kick me out of your life,'' He shook his head, settling himself on the opposite desk, crossing his strong arms over his chest. It was hard not to notice his muscles under the tight shirt and the rippling contrast between his blue eyes and white sweater. ''But I don't want you hurting yourself on the account of me.''
Blair pressed her lips tighter, hating that he was right, hating the way he always knew what to say and how to say it with such a calm, collected assurance.
''I gave my promise to this school, I'll be here for a short while,'' He went on, his Daniel Wellington leather wristwatch ticked quietly, filling in the silence between their words. ''But not more than that. So please, come to, at least some, of my classes.''
He pushed himself off the table, his eyebrows knotting, but Ed kept his distance. ''You can't blame me for what I feel for you.''
''Yes I can!'' She snapped uncouthly in anger, her fists clenched tightly around the folds of her skirt. ''And I do! You were the only one I could talk to without thinking about what I have to say, without holding back. And you've taken that away from me.''
''I understand,'' He replied, restlessly uncrossing his arms and she realized how selfish she sounded then.''Trust me. I didn't want this.''
''I don't care,'' She raised her voice, mad that he was still able to understand her, still had compassion for her though she had none for him, that he was still able to look her deep in her eyes and read her like a book. ''I still blame you.''
''Don't.'' He shook his head, although the impeccable style of his hair remained untouched. ''You and I are no different. You can't control your feelings, and neither can I. A man doesn't know, or control what he'll feel. He just feels.''
Blair was left dumbfounded for a moment. What if Ed felt the way about her, that she felt for Chuck? A small glimmer of sympathy lit the room, but she trampled over it as she turned toward the windows, crossing her hands. It was down there, in the courtyard, that she spotted two people she has hoped never again to see together.
''Oh my god!'' She clapped a hand over her mouth in shock.
''Why did you vote us in the building?'' Dan asked furiously, his fists shaking in anger at his sides.
''I didn't want anyone kicked out.'' Chuck drawled lazily, rolling his eyes carelessly as he faked disinterest.
''Who do you think you are to be saving us?'' Dan growled, taking a threatening step forward, only fueled further by Chuck's indifferent rich boy attitude.
''Dan!'' Blair came running out of the building, avoiding looking at Chuck at all costs.
''Did you know he saved us?'' He directed his words towards to his sister, but refused to remove his narrowed eyes from the face of his enemy.
''Don't do this,'' she grit through her teeth, looking around at the people around them. ''We're on college grounds.''
''Did you ask him to do it?'' He snapped, painfully grabbing the hold of her elbow. Chuck's eyes zeroed on the action, but Blair's gaze silently begged him to stay put. ''Tell me!''
''Watch your tone.'' Chuck snarled and he stood deadly still, though everything in him screamed to start a fight and take his girlfriend away.
''You're going to tell me how to talk to my goddamn sister?'' Dan threatened, pushing Blair's arm away and facing Chuck completely. ''Or what?''
''Gentlemen,'' Edward Morelli came, towering over them with the superior air of an adult, a professor, and Blair couldn't be more grateful for him - despite what they were going through. ''We're on university grounds.''
Chuck, seeing an imperceptible nod from Blair signaling all is okay, left them without another word. From the corner of his eye, Morelli watched him walk away. He shifted his jaw and turned to look at the siblings.
''Dan.'' Ed shook hands with her brother, not having seen him since summer - since the days he owned Vero yacht and Dan sometimes came for small repairs. Something in Morelli's eye color shifted at the memory of his yacht which he sold, and in that moment - Blair noticed his cerulean eyes seemed to reflect the nostalgic waves of the ocean. That yacht had been his everything.
''I'm sorry Mr. Morelli, we had a private problem,'' Dan said, lowering his head. ''I didn't want to deal with it here.''
''And yet you did,'' Ed replied seriously, exercising a disciplinarian authority. ''Please don't do it again. Blair,'' he said, reverting to her. ''I'm going to class. I'll be expecting you.''
''That dickhead better thank Morelli.'' Dan said after he left, slamming his fist into the palm of his hand.
''Listen to me,'' she seethed, furious with his jealousy and anger. ''Don't you ever do this again. Not in here.''
''Blair, that Bass guy is up to something. Mark my words. ''
''Don't you think this is a little too much?'' Evelyn stared at him the way only mothers know how to, trying to catch his eyes. ''All those things you do for that girl - don't you think it's all bit too excessive?''
Her delicate perfectly waxed eyebrows knotted ever-so-slightly, in such way that absolutely no wrinkles managed to ruin her ageless face. She anxiously glanced over at the newly-bought apartment. Evelyn went on, hand on her throat - all melodrama and self-victimization.
''You were still in a hotel yesterday. We were all so relieved.''
Chuck carefully chewed on his brunch, intently looking at his glass of water standing on the silk tablecloth.
We were all so relieved. Because everyone else thought they had a right to tell him what to do and where to live. Because those were the rules of high society, of the life under a glass bell.
''Mother,'' He said sharply, dropping down the utensils. ''Enough with this talk and incessant questions. Let it go.''
Evelyn looked taken aback for a second, but upon sensing the fragility of relationship with her son, let the matter go - for now.
''Very well,'' She smiled at him tightly, corners of her eyes left untouched. ''We'll just see that apartment as an investment. But you don't have to live here. You can move out, right now. We'll rent you out another one - a better one.''
''Not now,'' He sighed, seeing the pattern of his parents work - it was all about bribery. All about money buying love, patching up the frailty. But it never sticks. All it does is drill a hole in your body and fill it with emptiness. As the hole grows, you try to fill it with money, only to find out nothing was ever enough to clog it. Nothing except for love.
''Why not? I don't understand, your suitcases are right here - unpacked. Just leave. Go somewhere else, please. ''
Chuck slammed his fist harshly on the table and porcelain shook with the movement. ''I can't go, Mother. I can't.''
Taken aback, Evelyn nodded and, after finishing the meal, let her son rush off to class.
Having nothing to do, her husband being in the office, she unpacked a suitcase for him. The boy seemed intent on staying here. But something would come up, she grudgingly thought to herself. Something that would pull him away from that gold-digger. It was bound to.
After being done, she left the apartment with a deep sigh and waited for an elevator.
''A getaway weekend?'' Female voice purred from the floor below, gaining her immediate attention. ''Sounds tempting.''
As Evelyn realized whose voice that was, as she realized it was the flirting voice of a Sparks widow, she took a step forward in her Chanel heels, graciously leaning over to get a peek through stairs opening. Who was her new target? Who fell into her hungry clutches this time? Who was risking his profit and personal merit, to be stolen?
''But I'm still not completely sure, Bart,'' Evelyn froze as she saw her ex-husband on the doorstep of this man-eater widow, Diana clutching her scandalously short bathrobe. He was just leaving and his clothes were crumpled. ''You're familiar with situation regarding Georgina.''
''Do you have to be that perfect, Diana?'' Bart smirked, hands in his pockets, ready to leave - but not before he got what he wants.
''Perfect?'' Diana grinned slyly, showing all her pearly whites.
''You're putting your life on hold just because of some angry kid,'' He played with the end of her robe's string and something in Evelyn painfully tightened, something had her frozen in spot, breathing heavily as her ex-husband teased. ''I respect that, but we need a break from all of this stress.''
Is this the way he charmed the panties of every woman Bart cheated her with? Claiming his family was putting him under stress when they barely even saw him, especially Chuck? Is this the speech he perfected? Seeing him in action stirred all the foul emotions she repressed after filing for a divorce. Evelyn felt ill.
''Far away, just you and me.''
''Is that hard to tell you no, Bart Bass?'' Diana looked at him from under her fake lashes, pursing her lips. ''Alright, you got yourself a date.''
The pair of lovers separated and elevator dinged, signaling the arrival, but Evelyn could barely hear it.
''I'm sorry I'm late,'' Chuck kissed her as she got into the limo, pulling her to his side. ''I got held up with Mother.''
''Evelyn?'' Blair said surprised, stiffening in his embrace. ''Oh. How did that go?''
''As long as I have you,'' He got hold of her fingers and brought her palm to his lips. ''It doesn't matter. None of it matters.''
''That bad?'' She furrowed her brows, insecurities and memory of her lies surfacing back. She remembered his mom's tears and her pain. Chuck and Blair made up, but everything else was left untouched, all the chaos still swarming around them. ''Was Evelyn angry with you a lot?''
''Nothing new.'' He shrugged, winking.
She let her hand fall limply, her eyes drawn to the window and passing scenes of Manhattan streets. The snow fell lightly, melting in brown puddles of mush. ''Your mom and I used to talk about you. You two were starting to get close. You father finally started to tolerate me, to accept me. It's all my fault. I ruined your relationship.''
''Blair,'' Chuck sighed, brushing the hair from her forehead with a tender gentleness, as if she was nothing but finest porcelain. ''I have my mother and my father, but we're not a family. We never were and it has nothing to do with you, I promise. It has to do with apathy, selfishness, years of disappointments. ''
''Blair,'' he called out once again as she said nothing. He tipped her chin to meet his eyes. ''I've reached the point in my life where I don't care about anyone but us. I just want to think about you. I just want to talk to you. Until I get over the absurd differences everyone else had placed between us, it's the way it's going to be. ''
''How long are we going to have to hide?'' She asked, looking up at him with wide eyes. ''How long are we going to ignore our parents?''
''As long as it needs for them to notice us.'' He kissed her lips with confidence, and rubbed her thigh, as if sensing her fears and doubts.
She frowned, shaking her head in disapproval. He was being reckless, but a part of it managed to thrill her at the same time too. ''Can we do it?''
''We can do it,'' Chuck replied as the limo pulled up on a corner of their block and stopped. ''And have fun in the meantime. Don't worry, I won't let anything ruin this for us.''
She smiled at him and he looked past her head through the window that just opened, his face falling. ''I hate leaving you here. I hate leaving you anywhere.''
Their gazes locked and she could almost feel the intensity their love, almost touch it in the small space of the limo. It sparkled through the air, it sizzled at every touch they made. Right then, she could swear sky lowered down to shield them with clouds.
''I hate that you have to go home alone,'' He continued, stroking her cheek with such tenderness Cupid would be proud of. ''I hate that I have to wait until morning to see you, Blair.''
''And I hate that you have to wait for me,'' She pressed her forehead against his, feeling his warmth, breathing in his breath. They could hear the car driving past them, past the window, but all that existed in their minds were them and nobody else. They kissed softly, her fingers running through his hair, his arms circled around her waist and the promise of their future together.
''Go first,'' He spoke breathlessly as they broke apart, still cupping her cheeks. ''I don't want to risk anything.''
Because it was dangerous. Too dangerous. But with the way she felt, it seemed there existed no evil in this world, there existed no harm. Grinning, she nodded and planted a tender last kiss. Blair left the limo, closing the door after he added, ''Text me when you get home.''
Blair had to restrain herself from skipping home. Though snow fell calmly at the beginning of the ride, something in the atmosphere changed and the wind picked up the pace. Trees creaked above her head, vigorously leaning back and forth, as if trying to warn her of something. As if trying to tell her to turn back and go the other way.
Dan was standing in front of the building entry, hands at his sides, his face changing colors when he saw her - pale to red to green. Blair paused in front of him, ''Are you okay?'' She asked, eying him.
''How could you do this to us?'' He grit through his teeth, not taking his wide eyes that oozed with craziness off of her. ''How could you?''
With a racing heart, she stared at her brother, wondering what was he talking about, and that voice in her screamed to turn away and run as fast as she could. But Blair stood put, raising her eyebrow in a questioning manner, trying to conceal the way her hands were trembling in her pockets.
''I saw you kissing.'' Dan spat and still he didn't blink, as if he didn't want to take his eyes off of her, as if she might run away from him. ''I took a cab and saw you and that guy, in his limo. You slut.''
The first slap was the toughest. Shock electrifies you as you see the incoming hand, knowing there is nothing you can do now to stop it, knowing it is too late to run. All you can do is take the hit. Skin stings, burns at the contact, and nothing can numb it. Knees hurt from the impact of the cement.
You feel that first slap days afterwards. You feel it for weeks.
''How could you do this to us?'' He furiously shouted, spit flying out of his mouth like a rabid dog. She felt something warm gush from her nose and Blair looked up at him, still in shock, still somewhere where this wasn't happening. But it was and there was no escaping it.
''Get up!'' He wrenched her up forcefully by her hair. A part of her thought he would get her inside, but all he did was straighten her up so he could knock her and she fell once again, her hands scraping on the cold pavement, realizing in that moment that he was going to kill her.
''You were making out with that son of a bitch!'' He snarled as the metallic taste of blood oozed into her mouth.
''What did I tell you, huh?!'' He demanded, holding her for the collar of her coat and shaking her. Blair tried to push him away, but she was weak and felt like throwing up.
He shoved her to the ground, but this time she didn't feel hitting it because everything already hurt, every part of her body was contused.
''Didn't we tell you to stop seeing that guy? To stop talking to him?!''
And in the midst of the buzzing sound her ears made, she heard someone scream ''No!'', and it sounded like Georgina.
Everything hurt so much, Blair thought she would die. But Dan was being pushed back by Jessica and then father came and Dan was shouting for everyone to hear, ''I saw them together! I saw them!''
Finally, a limo pulled up and Dan furiously pointed a bloody finger at it, ''I saw her with him!''
The only thing Blair saw before blacking out was Chuck's pale, furious face and she knew, no matter what happened, he would never forgive her family for this.
''Where are you going?''
''A getaway with with my girlfriends,'' Diana didn't look at her as she put on her Balenciaga coat. ''Jenny will be waiting for you, you can stay at her place.''
''What?'' Georgina blurted out, frantically pulling on sleeves of her shirt. ''You're dumping me to Humphreys? And Lil J is supposed to babysit me? I don't think so. I can stay here by myself.''
Diana sighed, pulling out her freshly curled hair from under the coat, reverting to look at her step-daughter with a practiced face which she herself called 'Worried Area-Mom'. ''Have you been taking your pills?''
Georgina scratched on her sleeves vigorously, the scars underneath itching her. ''Yeah, but I don't think they're working. I don't feel good. I think I need to see my doctor, I need stronger pills.''
''No!'' Diana's eyes widened in panic, but she quickly pulled back and covered herself with Worried Area-Mom look, letting out a small nervous laugh. ''No need for that, darling. These are the strongest there are, I checked already. Don't forget to ask me when you run out of the box, you know they're prescription. I'll get you a box on my way now.''
''Yeah, okay.'' Georgina bit her nails, looking up at the corner of the ceiling. The shadows have started to reaper again. The anxiety that didn't let her sleep started to feed off of her fears again.
Diana left with a smirk, patted her stepdaughter's cheek and on her way to pharmacy, bought a box of vitamins for children - the exact shape and color of her pills.
Georgina was left alone in the apartment. Light flickered in the living room and she jumped up, positive she saw a shadow move. Lately, they seemed to follow her everywhere. Georgina held her breath, waiting to see if something would move again.
A low growl sounded directly behind her, shifting her hair. She screamed, dashing for the doors. There were footsteps behind her, someone was chasing her. She ran out, slamming the doors before it got her. Heaving breaths, Georgina backed away, terrified.
Something was in her apartment. Something evil.
There was the slow, unbearable sound of nails clawing against the doors. It petrified her. Heart hammering, Georgina covered her ears. She saw the knob slowly turn. Shaking, she jumped into the elevator and thought of only one place where she would be allowed to come in, where she wouldn't be alone.
Where the shadows couldn't get her.
''Blair is sleeping,'' Georgina said as Nate let her in his apartment. ''I thought you might want to know.''
''What is she doing here?'' Chuck sighed in annoyance and pinched the bridge of his nose, pacing the kitchen restlessly. ''I'm going to Blair.''
''Wait, no.'' Georgina stopped him, nervously glancing at him. ''You can't go. You have to stay here. They won't let you see her.''
''What am I supposed to do?'' He burst out, jaw clenching. ''Just sit here and wait? Didn't you see what they did to her?''
Georgina noticed his knuckles were bruised. She remembered the way he used Dan as a punching bag, a feral look that had come over him back then. He completely lost control. It suited him.
''She's right,'' Nate added, pouring a glass of scotch. ''You'll only provoke them like that.''
''I don't care,'' Chuck snarled, pushing away the glass. ''I'm going there and I'll be taking her away.''
''I've known those people my whole life,'' She made him pause in his tracks. ''They don't function like we do. If you take Blair away, she'll never be able to come back home. Never. Do you really want to take that away from her?''
There was a moment of silence.
''Why are you helping me?'' He turned to glare at her, seething just at the mere existence of her. ''I don't trust you. Blair doesn't trust you.''
''I-'' She opened her mouth to say, but Chuck was already out and Nate went to his bedroom with glass in his hands, shaking his head.
I'm alone, she wanted to say. I think I'm going to disappear.
''Do you want some coffee?'' Dan asked as people at Port Authority bus terminal pushed by them, shouldering them to hurry and catch their ride. They stood still, as snow fell upon them and Manhattan buzzed around with life. This was probably last time they would see cosmopolitan life for a long while.
He waited few moments as she kept her back turned to him, ignoring him, looking up at the moon. He shrugged and went into the café, ordering himself an Americano.
Blair's eyes watered as people stared at her face, as they gasped at the cuts and bruises. Nobody approached to ask if she was okay. She wasn't. It hurt. Her whole body and face hurt. Her spirit was broken. She hated every minute alone with Dan. Her hand ached to get her revenge as they sat in the cab on their way here, but vitragé on his face quenched her thirst. Chuck already got to him.
For the first time, she felt defeated. All Blair wanted to do was love. Was that so hard to allow?
The cold was welcoming. It numbed the pain. Today, as soon as she gained consciousness, as soon as Jessica applied cold meat on her face, Father had thrown her phone away so she wouldn't be able to contact anyone. Then he dropped two tickets to the country on the table, banishing her and Dan to re-join mother, cursing the whole Bass lineage.