Chapter Forty

Fairylights

''If you remember me,

Then I don't care if everyone else forgets.''

''I kept trying to tell you,'' Blair murmured, staring down at her hands. Her muscles ached deliciously, body tired after throwing around in the snow all day. They had taken a bath together - took a bit longer than usual - and were now enjoying the tranquility of the evening.

Though weather calmed down, their souls stirred, preparing to pass through the storm of fire. She was huddled on a pillowed window sill under a blanket, her legs resting on Chuck's thighs. ''Before that letter, I mean. But I never seemed to be ready.''

''Every time you pushed me away, every time we fought...'' Chuck stared at the willow outside the window, beautifully adorned with clear icicles. ''Even after those lies, I was consumed with pain. It wouldn't go away, no matter what.''

Vanilla scent enveloped them, oozing from the lighted candles around them and Blair stared at his handsome profile, her insides crushing. She wanted to talk about what happened, even initiated the conversation, but if it was possible - without mentioning how much it hurt. She sought the way to care for the wounds without reopening them. To name the pain without inviting it back in.

''I wanted to hurt you with everything I had,'' He went on, the window misty from his breath. ''With everything I felt for you. I wanted to drown you in my misery.''

''What you believed me to be back then was unbearable,'' Blair said, remembering when he thought her to be gold-digger, a fame-hungry social climber. Just another one of those merciless money-grubbers who would eat hearts just for a smidge more power. She leaned forward and gently touched his chin, turning him to her. ''I never thought you'd look at me again the way you look at me now.''

With adoration, love, bliss.

''I've tried so hard to convince myself to hate you,'' Chuck explained with heavy somberness, taking her hand into his own ''To take my revenge.''

They stared at each other as their secrets spilled from the gloomy, treacherous spaces they kept hidden in themselves. Under the moonlight, they were exposing themselves naked, vulnerable, shedding the ghastly masks they put on to daunt each other - one by one.

''You took away from me the only thing I believed in,'' He whispered in the silent room, not taking his eyes off of her in sheer desperation. ''Yourself. I didn't have anything to hold on to. That's why I clung to my rage.''

''It went on for far too long,'' She quietly spoke, looking out at the moon, feeling the leaden weight of the guilt. ''All the horrible things we've done to each other.''

''If I believed you for a second,'' He held his breath, as if preparing himself to unleash the biggest shadow he had been holding in. ''I would have come back to you. Every time I saw you, I wanted to tell you to come back. Come to me with your lies and your truths, you're mine. It had been a torture not believe you.''

''But I knew,'' He added, eyes glinting meaningfully. ''I knew we'd get back together somehow.''

''I thought you hated me,'' Her trembling voice broke and a single salty tear escaped her as everything came crashing down on her. He still loved her, even as she lied to him, even as she made him distrust love. Blair knew she walked into his life and broke apart the most beautiful feeling there was. He had trust in her, in them, even as that feeling lay broken on the floor of his soul, forgotten and abandoned. But Chuck never seemed to abandon them.

He gathered her in his arms, lowering her head on his chest, shushing her with tender kisses.

''I didn't think we'd ever be together again,'' She sniffled, admitting how pessimistic she had been, how unfaithful and hopeless.

''What did you think?''

''That we were over,'' Blair murmured dejectedly, remembering something that struck her heart each time with more and more fever. ''When I saw you with all those women... Every time you slammed a door in my face... Kicked me out of your apartment... A part of me believed we were over, for good.''

''How did you manage to pull through it?'' He asked perturbed, holding her tighter. ''Every time I saw you, you looked at me with your head raised, as if what happened was barely getting to you.''

''It's because I knew our love didn't go away. It was still there - always. And I forced myself to focus on that, while you kept on seething.''

''Every time I pushed you away,'' Chuck spoke softly, his eyes lost in the turbulent summer they spent, shedding each other's blood. ''I could feel myself going colder, more distant.''

And it had frightened him. Somewhere at the beginning of the autumn - season of passing, a slow demise - he realized his hatred had died partly because he didn't want to end up like his parents; a human machine, selfish, with the tendency to hurt people, carelessly and without remorse. His body didn't have two hearts, one for love and other for hatred. What he had then, it knew only of sorrow and love.

Suddenly, Blair pushed herself away from him and her eyes flickered with fire. ''Were you with that girl you brought home that one night?''

Yes, a small pensive voice in him said, the same voice that told him not to do it, not to sleep with that girl. Blind with loathing he felt back then, he ignored it. .

''There's no need to talk about it,'' He brushed her off, looking away.

''Don't,'' Blair nostrils flared, stormy lightning in her eyes turning to long, blue rivers. ''Tell me. What did you feel while - while - kissing her?''

Seconds ticked away as he kept quiet, looking out on the willow. He could feel her hurt, could taste it on his tongue. What he had to say would only hurt her deeper. Blair grew furious as he ignored the question, clutching her fist, needing to know. She needed to know if he felt anything for that girl, or any other for that matter because Blair couldn't bear if he did. He was hers and sharing him, any part of him, body or heart - it would have crushed her.

''Tell me!''

And he realized he couldn't back away, not now. The final mask needed to be peeled off his face, no matter how painful the motion. He bit his lip, perturbed and growled, ''I felt that I hate myself as much as I hated you. I realized how weak and helpless I was.''

And finally, the look at each other's faces, dusty with long time spent hidden in the shadows. Shadows of insecurities, fear, hatred. Finally, they saw each other as they are and everything else vanished, but only love remained. He let out a shaky breath. All this time she was watching him in desperation, drinking in every word he said. Chuck shook away the dark thoughts and, mad with love, he cupped her face, breathing in her perfume.

''You're my strength,'' He implored with frenzied longing, leaning his forehead against hers. Longing that took roots in his soul and he was past the point where he tried to rip it away. Now, Chuck embraced it - embraced the starving need for Blair. ''I'm sorry.''

''No,'' She whimpered, throwing her arms around his neck, hating herself for doubting him, for provoking him, for hurting him. ''I'm sorry. I'm sorry.''

''They withdrew the lawsuit last night,'' Bart smirked, propping a glass of scotch against his knee. He eyed off the Sparks apartment, far too pink and kitsch for his liking. It was painfully obvious no man lived there. ''Apparently, his son lied and said that Chuck kidnapped her. Guess he wanted to protect her non-existent honor in front of their barbaric father.''

''I understand it puts you at ease,'' Diana clasped her freshly manicured hands. ''Regarding the legal issues. But aren't you too calm about this matter? Isn't it bad enough Chuck ran away with that no-good girl?''

Bart scoffed, taking a last sip and setting the empty glass on the table. ''That escapade won't last long. Upon my word, the affair will be short lived. He is doing this just to spite me, nothing more. I say let him enjoy while's he's at it. He can have his fun now and before long he'll move to something else.''

Vividly perturbed with this parenting policy, Diana nodded sympathetically as they rose together and took a leave to go. The elevator was short and devoid of incessant small talk, her lover's trait which she was very much fond of.

''What's the matter, Sir?'' He called out loud upon reaching the lobby. ''Tail between your legs?''

A need to gloat, that was one of the traits she detested - but at the same time a trait she was very much used to with men. If only they could learn to keep their mouths shut when the situation demanded it.

''You finally realized what a circus your daughter made?'' Bart prodded as hunched Bob passed them, the old man's head bent down, a sorrowful look on his weathered face.

''Bart...'' Diana put a delicate hand on his shoulder, her socialite instincts begging for discretion. ''Please.''

''Your daughter sunk her claws into my son,'' He went on, ignoring his girlfriend, for only one woman managed to get through to Bart Bass and her name was not Diana. ''She enjoys the lavishing life he affords, and now you despicable, worthless people dare to drag our name through the papers?''

''I'll shove those papers down your throat!'' Suddenly yelled out by a furious Bob, as he seized the tall gentleman by the collar and shoved him against the wall.

Bob was alone, abandoned, lied to by his very own son. He realized he had no one. His own wife abandoned him and any control he had was slipping through his fingers.

''Jessica!'' Diana screeched, panicked. ''Jessica!''

''Listen to me carefully now!'' Bob spat, growing closer to the vile polished shine of the wealthy, affluent man, from the refined mask glued to his face and greed embedded in his skin. He was nothing but an abomination of men that had once walked the earth all mighty in their glory and honor. They lived by the laws of their nature, respected all life and had faith in heavens. Their hearts were pure and uncorrupted. But Bob realized those days were gone and those men long died, one by one.

''I have sixty-five years in my sleeve. I saw what I could on this world, lived long enough. The only thing I care about, is the world on the other side. If I hear you insult my daughter like that again,'' He threatened, getting closer to the shadow of a man. ''I will make you pay. Understood?''

Blair had been woken up by the stinging frost that morning. Icy fingers seeped over her naked skin, climbing up the leg that hugged the duvet, across the exposed thigh and settling over the edge of her barren shoulders. She sleepily fluttered her eyelashes, stretching an arm over to the other side of the bed in an effort to seek the warmth of Chuck's body as she always did when the temperature dropped.

''Chuck?'' She muttered upon feeling nothing but the damp cold sheets. Her limbs still deliciously ached from a whole night of lovemaking, as it did every morning, after a night of passion.

It was strange, he usually rose early. Sometimes he'd come back to bed, other times he'd simply watch her sleep from across the sofa.

She strained her ears upon detecting the oddly quiet silence. There was no soft bustle in the kitchen, no distinct crackling of the burning wood, no low murmur. Actually, there was nothing except an acute sense of deafening absence. Suddenly seized with panic, she struck her eyes open and quickly shot up from the bed. The sofa was vacant.

''Chuck?'' Her voice echoed and she shivered, pulling a cover up to her chin - waiting for a reply.

Minutes ticked by as nothing happened. Her heart beat wildly as she quickly put on an oversized knitted sweater from the closet that smelled of him.

''Chuck?!'' She cried out once again while searching every room of the cabin. Ash in the fireplace was cold. The teapot was left untouched. He wasn't there. His clothes were gone. His shoes too. There was no note, something he'd usually write before going out to get more logs or something. Blair swung open the cabin doors and cold wind rushed in uninvited, swirl of snowflakes hiding every trace of morning's footsteps.

For some reason, her whole body shook and it had little to do with the frost. Barefoot, she ran out on freshly fallen snow. Anxiety in her chest came to a full crescendo as she saw the car was gone. It was so cold her eyes stung and tears blurred her vision as if wanting to delay her of whatever quest she had.

Naked skin burning, she angrily wiped eyes with the ends of her sleeves and started running towards cabin of the owners. Her knees trembled as she clutched her sleeve in her fist and beat urgently on their doors. ''Anybody here?'' She wheezed as the nightmare turned to reality. Nobody answered.

Because nobody was there. Chuck left. She was all alone.

The morning was spent in berserk pacing of the cabin, hiding under the covers by the fire. The cabin was empty and lonesome. It felt unwelcome without him. Had he left her? Was he missing? Did something happen? Was everything but a dream?

She was tired. She was hungry, but had no appetite to eat. And ultimately - Blair was devastatingly terrified, and depression set in. Finally, after what only felt like hours, doors swung open and he walked in as if having not a care in the world, shaking out snow from his dark raven hair.

''Where were you?'' She demanded after the shocking blow, hysterically pushing herself off the chair as he came closer, a stupid silly grin etched into his stupid face.

How dare he smile? How dare he walk up to her, looking breezy and triumphant, while she had been dead terrified? As he finally showed up, tears of relief sprang up in her eyes. A multitude of emotions enveloped her, almost overwhelmingly so, she felt like hugging him, slapping him, and drowning him in kisses all at the same time.

''I've been waiting for you for hours, where have you been?'' She cried, hating that her voice was breaking. Chuck froze in surprise, his smug smile dropping.

She hated herself, hated how obvious it was that she was dependent on him. She was supposed to be an island - a self-sufficient, confident woman. Blair didn't want to feel like this, like some vital part of her had been ripped at the tormenting thought of being without him.

''Why didn't you wake me up when you left?'' She grabbed a pine nut from the bowl on the table and hurled it at him, but the bastard managed to duck on time. It crashed into the wall and fell down, rolling under the vintage mahogany cupboard.

''You thought I left you?'' He raised his brows in disbelief, slowly rising up and glancing at the clock.

''Are you an idiot?'' Blair snapped in irritation, launching another nut at his face and missing him by a fat chance. ''I was this close to calling the police and organizing a search party!''

''You looked so peaceful while you slept.'' He dropped bags he appeared to be carrying, unbuttoning his coat. She scoffed, only now noticing those bags and crossed her arms - part of her wanting to kick him out to spend the night.

Chuck took tentative steps, testing the waters. Before she could protest, he wrapped his arms around her waist tightly. He kissed the top of her nose, ignoring the furious look on her face. ''I didn't want to wake you up. I'm sorry I didn't leave a note, I was in a hurry to get the groceries before the store closed.''

She eyed the contents of his bag, like Sherlock inspecting the evidence, and came to an absurd conclusion. ''You spent all this time buying this?'

''You're cute when you get angry,'' He avoided the question, kissing her jaw, his lips dipping down to the crook of her neck.

''Where were you really?'' Blair got a feeling he was trying to distract her - but why? What was he trying to distract her from? ''It is impossible you spent all this time shopping for these few items.''

He paused, his lips hesitantly lingering on her skin, knowing she was unto him.

''Wait until dinner.''His hot breath fueled something within her, sultriness of his words starting the fire she had a hard time saying no to. ''I promise I'll make it worth your while.''

''What about lunch?''

''We're having it in bed,'' He grabbed her thighs, pulling her up to him. She yelped in surprise, hugging her knees around his waist for support. And then his lips were on hers, kissing wildly, kissing until they couldn't breathe, until they were one. The scheme was far out of her mind, everything else forgiven and forgotten - just as he wanted it.

''Get dressed.'' He kissed her forehead hastily, handing her the sweater. There was nervousness about him, she noticed. ''We really need to hurry.''

''You've said that dozen of times in past half an hour.'' She rolled her eyes, lazily putting on thick fluffy socks.

''And each time you managed to mislead me from the main plan.'' He breathlessly roamed about the room, lifting up the covers, kneeling down to search for his shirt on the floor. ''I'll get you for that later.''

''How about you get me for it now?'' Blair seductively growled, grabbing shirt hanging from the bed frame and pulling him back from under the bed.

''Thanks,'' Chuck exhaled loudly, avoiding her pursed lips. He ignored her pouting face, took the shirt and quickly put it on. ''Now please hurry. I can't have you naked.''

''Why not?'' She struck up defensively, admiring her curves in the mirror. ''As if you'd mind. You're no fun today, Bass.''

''Just trust me, Blair,'' He sighed, peeking his head through the doors and quickly shutting them closed again. ''You'll thank me later.''

Chuck had blindfolded her, after he managed to convince her it was imperative she put on her coat, gloves, and a scarf. He refused to answer any question she shot his way, but a part of her discerned he didn't even hear them. She sensed he was nervous, apprehensive and wanted to relax him with lame fifty shades of grey jokes. It didn't help. Chuck's hands firmly held her, but his breath was shaky, sentences nearly stuttered through.

''It's cold out.'' She said while her mind took a wavering flashback and traveled to helicopter ride he had once taken her to. It was a year ago, when they looked down at snow covered Manhattan from the air. Her guts did somersaults as she relived that wonderful moment.

And then the blindfold was off, her eyes blinking against the light of candles in rowed jars, enlightening the path to backyard gazebo. There was more light in the far gazebo and she noted two moving shadows. Snow fell in a flurry, but luminous brightness remained intact, managing to enhance the beauty of the scene further. It was poetic, the way night covered the sky in a blue sheet and every color gained mellow hue, something that belongs to a fairytale. Stars twinkled above them, watching what was going on in silent trepidation.

Chuck took her hand, looking down at her with ardor that made her knees tremble and it finally all made sense.

''Blair,'' He took a deep breath, lowering himself to one knee, his voice confident despite uncertainty in his onyx eyes. ''Right now - I don't have a ring, I don't have a car, or a suit. In fact, right now, I have nothing to offer you. Nothing except myself. I know I've brought you to fait accompli with this. If you were to say no and run away, I warn you, there's no civilization for miles around. But I'm asking you - no, I'm begging you - marry me.''

Blair didn't realize she was shaking. She didn't notice tears glazing his eyes, because the grin on his face took all of her attention. There was something magnetic in the way his lips spread around his teeth - that ridiculously cute boyish smile she fell hard for took every grain of her sanity.

Was it sane to even think about marrying him? No, it wasn't. It was absolutely crazy, reckless and stupid. It would ruin every chance of reconciliation with either of their families. It would be something that would tie her to him forever.

And Blair wanted him forever. She wanted to be there with him, every possible moment. Spending with him every second of the day these past few weeks, she learned she couldn't get enough of the enigma that was Chuck Bass. There was nobody else for her, he was her everything - her day and night. And finally, her wishes came true. Finally, he was asking her to be his everything too.

It may have been hard to say yes, but it was impossible to say no.

''Marry me here,'' He went on passionately as she stood in stunned silence, taking her other hand, his cheeks red with animation and cold. There was once again fire in his eyes, that undying mad love he felt for her. She watched him mesmerized, as he talked, as he said all the words she so longed to hear. ''Marry me here, in this winter fairyland. Marry me now, under the snow. Marry me like this, in someone else's old coats, winter boots - my hand in yours. Will you take this path with me? Will you let me be there by your side - forever? I know it's a lot to ask, but I'm not settling for any less.''

''I will.'' She nearly sobbed with joy, jumping into his arms, their cold lips crashing in a single blazing kiss that melted off every snowflake on the planet. And he had carried her bridal style to the gazebo, through the path of fairy lights, whispering 'I love you' again and again.

And it all made sense why nobody was there that day. Eugene was out getting his license to get them married, to get the proper papers and forms to execute the ceremony. Mary was out shopping for the lights, jars, peonies that sat in the middle of the table - defying winter with beauty. And Chuck was out getting groceries for dinner that Mary cooked for them, awaiting them in the kitchen after the ceremony.

''My heart will always beat for you,'' Chuck whispered at the end of the ceremony as they placed their signature at the bottom of the page. Their neighbors clapped and wiped tears they tried to hard so well. ''No matter what, Blair Bass.''

And shiver passed them both at the sound of that name, few letters engraving their secret desires and making that exuberantly high spirit impossible to steal, destroy or take away.

''I love you.'' Her voice shook with happiness that wasn't humanly possible, that didn't belong in real life - in her life. ''I will always love you.'' She finished as he lifted up lacy vintage veil borrowed from Mary and this time, they took their time, looking at each other's eyes.

They had been through so much, through so much pain and suffering - and they deserved this. Years of love and hate stood behind them, time of separation and final union. Tonight, it was just the two of them.

Just one step was all it took to get them to the long-awaited other side of life and they kissed, sealing that last page they needed to turn to finish the chapter, as snow drifted around them and fairies glowed in the breaking night.

For the first time that night, they made love as a husband and wife. They took their time, savoring the way their bodies fit against each other - as if they had always been made to belong together. It felt so natural to be with him, as natural as it was to drink when thirsty, to feel joy at the sight of the sun. It was a night full of sighs, moans, and declarations of love, under the gaze of the stars.

The change was in the air of the darkened bedroom, opening the gates to the rest of their lives.

The morning wasn't tired or gloomy. After days of murky clouds, beams of sunshine broke out and shone upon them, like late guests to a joyous occasion. Chuck sighed contentedly, rolling to her side, surprised to find her awake and staring up at the ceiling.

''Mrs. Bass.'' He smirked, snuggling up closer to her.

''Mr. Bass'' She greeted brightly, but her smile was somehow off-beat. Her brows knotted slightly and she closed her eyes, parting lips just slightly. ''I wish we could grow old here. I wish we could have kids and stay here forever.''

''Why not?'' Chuck replied readily, drunk on the idea, kissing the top of her shoulder in devoted affection.

''We can't,'' She stated briskly, turning to look back at the ceiling with that unwelcome, bizarre glower. ''We have classes and our family to think of. Our future. Our whole life.'' He opened his mouth to say something, but she cut him short. ''Yes, I know what you're going to say. But we can't keep hiding out here. I know it will be hard, but when was it ever easy for us?''

''Last night was magical, it was beyond beautiful,'' She closed her eyes, remembering every single detail, imprinted in her memory. Her wedding. She always dreamed of getting married in one of those spacious halls with huge chandeliers and a killer view, with an orchestra and a Vera Wang dress. She imagined her father would walk her to the alter and mother would smile at her from the first row.

Life had a funny way of turning out because Blair wouldn't trade her ceremony for hundreds of luxurious halls.

''I called my dad while you were sleeping.''

He stared at her, expectant.

''He hung up on me'' She sniffled, wiping her eyes roughly. ''He hung up on me as soon as he heard my voice.''

''Blair,'' He gently said, taking her into his arm. ''Do you want to call your mother?'' He kissed her shoulder. Chuck knew Jane could always make her daughter feel better. ''Do you want us to go meet her?''

''No!" She shook her head, pushing herself away to look him in the eyes with imperative, burning glare. There was absolute resolution in her brown orbs and something told Chuck the honeymoon phase was over.

''No.'' She adamantly continued, calming down as abruptly as the wind dies over the mountain tops. The coldness of demeanor covered over her, choking every emotion and effectively shutting off every agony.

''What do you want us to do then?'' He quietly asked, intensely aware of that word - us - a word around which the whole planet revolved. A word people killed for. ''I'm here for you.''

''We have to go back,'' She looked out on the rising sun. ''We need to reclaim Manhattan.''