Chapter Forty-Eight

Don't Speak

''I am no longer afraid of monsters,

Because once I loved one.''

''I see you still live here.'' Evelyn's dismayed eyes roamed around the apartment, settling on the dust on the furniture and spotty windows. ''Even though your father serves the building.''

Yes, Chuck gave leave to maid for maybe too long, for whatever reason. No, she didn't have time to clean the place up. Yes, her father still worked here as a janitor. He was still her father though, not her janitor. There was no pleasure in the circumstance. On the contrary, there was only pain. Pain and distance.

Her cheek tingled at the remembrance of the slap the visitor delivered not too long ago. A hand that used to gratefully squeeze her palms, now did nothing but hurt and point accusingly.

''I came to talk to you,'' Evelyn quickly spoke and impatiently sat down on a sofa, as if her mind reverted to the same event that overwhelmed her with unease. ''I presume you're aware my son will become a father soon.''

''You sound so positive,'' Blair noted casually, secretly suppressing the annoyance and taking a seat across.

''You think everyone goes spewing lies around like you do?'' Chuck's mother didn't hesitate to scoff, woman as lethal as much as she was elegant. ''Charles and Elizabeth will have a baby, as will be proven in short four months.''

''I will be gifted with a grandchild.'' She went on smiling, though her eyes remained alert. ''Up until yesterday, you were nothing more than a money-grubbing low-life, misleading my son into an elopement.''

''Today, you're just a desperate girl that continuously keeps harassing a pregnant lady.''

Blair's fingers feverishly clutched the armrest. Once again, she was vulgar and Elle was nothing but a lady. Once again, she felt like a stranger in her home. They made her feel as if she was taking someone else's place. As if this sofa was someone else's spot to sit on. As if her husband's embrace was someone else's favorite place to hide in. ''How sad. They're manipulating you.''

''Maybe you're using Chuck's fear of fatherhood to manipulate him?'' Evelyn opposed, upper lip curling in disgust. ''You're not even aware of what kind of family Elizabeth comes from, yet you'd do everything to lower her down on your level.''

''So that's what's bothering you,'' Blair leaned back on the seat, lips pulled up in a sardonic smile. ''Lower class I belong to, my father's occupation, a basement my family lives in. You're not even bothered by the girl and her baby. The only thing that matter is that Pollocks are like you, and I'm not.''

''Your lies made that matter,'' Evelyn replied lowly, twirling her golden Cartier bracelet as they stared at each other, tensity building up. ''If it hadn't been for your lies and hell you put us through, we might have been able to talk about it now.''

Possibilities of alternative life overwhelmed each of the speaker, quietly and separately. They pondered the life they would lead right now if there hadn't been for chaos that ensued and overstayed it's welcome.

''But it is too late,'' She quietly finished after a short silence.

''How sad,'' Blair said sarcastically, fingers relaxing and starting to drum against the leather fabric. It was clear to her that Chuck's parents would have never been able to accept her, with or without lies. It hurt, though. The prejudice of her background was like a weight on her shoulders that continuously kept breaking her spine every time it stood straight. ''I will be asking you one last time; why are you here?''

Her mother-in-law uncrossed and crossed her legs uncomfortably at the collected patience and worn out visit which Blair so calmly hinted at. ''Charles tried to blackmail Elizabeth. He offered her money to disappear out of your lives.''

''Chuck would never do that.'' Blair wasted no breath in replying, squeezing her thumbs at the information.

''Of'course not!'' Evelyn exclaimed in dramatic disbelief and outrage, clutching hand at her throat. ''My son would never do anything so inappropriate.''

As if Chuck stopped being her son the moment he became Blair's husband.

''And you think I put him up to it?'' Blair's eyes blazed as she spoke up in anger, as the grotesque insinuation settled down between them and revealed itself. ''I would never do it and my husband would never stoop down that low.''

Chuck used blackmail as a tool to get what he wanted in the past, but the current situation allowed nothing of the sort. This wasn't a high school spat or a short-lived lover's quarrel. This was something delicate and immense, something that influenced life of another human being, something that could endanger another's future. He knew that.

''I would have believed you if I didn't know what a skilled liar you are,'' Evelyn narrowed her eyes. Suddenly, she held up a hand and raised her waxed eyebrows. ''Hold on. Let's say I believe you. Think about it, Blair - if this wasn't your doing - think about it hard. If Chuck doesn't believe Elizabeth, if he knows the baby isn't his, why would he offer money to get rid of her? Why not simply wait until the baby is born?''

Blair could feel her heart hammering as all rational fears came to life, as dark thought that circled her for hours and hours came to be. Somewhere outside, a raven sang a song only she could hear. A song of betrayal.

Out of nowhere, Evelyn rose and looked down at her.

''We'll see how long your loyalty will last,'' Evelyn sneered, grabbing her bag, Manolo heels furiously echoing as she left the apartment.

She felt Chuck rolling around the bed the whole night. Blair decided to keep his mother's visit a secret, as the inner tremor vibrated through her tired body and kept her alert. Their silken sheets tangled in sweat and charade as both of them pretended to be asleep, their backs to each other.

Not once did they turn.

Not once did they dare to touch.

Next morning, Chuck left to meet with Bart. When she asked why, he pretended not to hear. Their conversation watered down to weather and classes as they ate breakfast together. Part of her waited for him to say something, to hint at the meeting with Pollocks. Not a word did he breathe regarding the situation. Strain simmered in the background.

She sensed he hid something from her. He noticed her lips and mouth were far from matching when she talked. But still, they kissed each other goodbye. It was clumsy, it was rushed. Most of all, it was foreboding.

Half an hour later, a doorbell rang. And there she was, with luscious curls and flowery Gucci sundress, clutching in her hands a claim to a throne.

''I barely managed courage to come here,'' Elle softly spoke with a nervous smile. ''Can I come in?''

Dazed, all Blair did was stare at her electrifying gray eyes and moisturized plump lips. In a bad habit, she bit her own lips, feeling ragged and dried skin of her mouth. Something in her painfully shifted and she slammed the doors with more force than necessary as the usurper entered.

''I still remember the first night I came here,'' Elle observed, tenderly rubbing her belly as she gazed around the apartment, as if admiring prettiest chamber of a castle. ''My heart was racing like crazy. Just like the first time I saw Chuck.''

Scorching blindness assaulted her mind and Blair sharply looked at her, warning in her deadly glare. His name had no business being in her mouth. ''I don't want to hear it.''

''Wait,'' Elizabeth raised her hand, as if she wanted to lay it on her forearm. Seeing roaring fire in doe-like eyes, it stopped midway. Her eyebrows knotted, full set of thick eyelashes brushing against them. ''You have a right to know. Chuck would never tell you these things. Don't you want to know what happened that night?''

''I know everything.'' Blair lied as green snake in her hissed, spitting acidic poison all over her tender flesh. It slithered, rolling over her doubts and fears, teasing her anxiety. They never had the talk regarding that night. They never managed the courage.

''No, you don't.'' Fair visitor shook her head. ''You know what he wants you to know.''

Silence settled over them as Blair was taken aback with these words, with this possibility that only lurked around the corner - hidden, waiting. Trepidation crawled over the ceiling, disbelief slowly dripping on her head.

''He kept staring at me,'' Elle began almost shyly, though a hint of a smile played at her lips. ''I could feel his eyes over me every time I moved.''

Blair felt her body freeze and stand awfully still as the scene played around them; the lights of the club, the drinks, expensive jewelry and quest for revenge. Image of the penetrating dark eyes that gazed at the slim model body as her soft moans reverberated across his skin. Dark eyes which had Blair so transfixed since she first saw them, gazed at someone else with the same lust, same passion.

It made her want to throw up Benedict eggs she had just earlier.

When Blair first met him, she could feel tingles of his gaze on her skin. She could feel herself being undressed with a mere glance of his sultry eyes. Her heart skipped a beat every time he took a step her way, agonizingly wishing to have him approach her. How special did she feel. Like a majestic queen and like a naughty little girl both at the same time.

''He wouldn't give up,'' Elle went on, as if his charms were something that no woman could stand a chance against. ''He was so mysterious, so seductive. Chuck made me feel like I was the only woman on the world.''

''Go.'' Blair grit through her teeth. She couldn't bear to listen anymore, as her feelings were shrunk down to nothing, as her love was turned into a ghastly phantom. A woman came and blew on them, only to reveal diamonds had been nothing but dust. ''Leave.''

Was it a quest for revenge, though, that brought Elle into their lives? Or was it just an excuse to have that enticing girl with enticing eyes he saw in a club. He said he loved Blair, yet one night - he decided he wanted to have someone else. For one cursed night, Blair was nothing to him. Their love story turned into a joke.

Snake coiled around her throbbing heart, squeezing it like a helpless prey, in for the kill.

''I know you think I'm just one of countless girls that fell for him, but you're wrong.''

''I was the reason you ended up together,'' Blair hissed, blood in her veins turning to dripping sizzling of a molten lava. ''To hurt me. Don't flatter yourself thinking you were anything else but a weapon against me.''

''You'll never know what he whispered in my ear that night,'' Elle shook her head sadly, looking down at her. ''As the matter of fact, you won't be sure about anything regarding that night. Except for the fact that my baby is part of Chuck.''

''I know your opinion of me,'' Elle sighed, forming a perfect pout which had men dying at her feet, Blair reckoned. ''Chuck humiliated me when he offered me money. I don't want it, his wealth is not what I'm after. All I want to do is to be able to raise my child, together with his father.''

Blair stared back at the torturous grey eyes, the storm in her slowly, but surely heating. Suddenly, Elle finally unclenched her fingers and offered an envelope with gentle, tanned hands adored with several silver bracelets.

''These are the pictures from my last ultrasound. Will you give them to Chuck?''

Blair snatched the envelope and threw it on the table, signaling the welcome was overstayed. Elle glanced at her testy frown and crossed hands, choosing to leave. Before she went out, her eyes caught an old chandelier that stood in the closet in the hallway, ready to be given away.

''You've redecorated the bedroom?'' She asked, though it sounded more like a taunt, a mock insult hidden in the hint of a curvature of her red lips.

He was supposed to be back in an hour. They were supposed to have quiet lunch at home before heading to scout out apartments. Staring at the closed envelope as if it might be a bomb, she had been sitting on the couch until sun reached it's peak and fell down behind wave of Manhattan rooftops. Meanwhile, threatening volcano in her quietly rumbled as the darkness veiled the glowering city. Whole afternoon passed without her moving a muscle, without eating, without drinking.

Her phone calls went unanswered. Her texts were left delivered, with no reply. It was the story she had read once before that left her in bitter tears. A story she knew by her tired, frustrated heart.

With shaky hands, she opened up the yellow paper and carefully took out pictures of the baby. Her blood went cold. Her husband, who swore to share everything, hid the fact he blackmailed potential mother of his child. He hid the child itself until the truth was forced out.

What else did he hide from her? What ominous secrets did he keep in inner pocket of his blazer?

Blair couldn't recognize him anymore. She still loved him, but her love felt poisonous. She felt it's teeth in her neck, draining life out of her.

A clock sounded 11pm.

For his sake, she thought to herself, he better be dead.

Or somewhere injured in a hospital, another, more caring voice added. Her mind reveled uncontrollably. Thoughts gathered together and dissipated, million times, over and over again.

Bell startled her out of the revelry and she pounced up, running for the doors, half-expecting him to come drunk and slurring 'Sorry's which she was deaf to by this point. Deep down, she was aware of the worrisome fact - that he would be forgiven. How far was her forgiveness ready to go? How bad can it hurt her to save him?

''Hey cutie-pie.'' Jessica's high-pitched voice broke the lifeless silence instead. ''Got any trash?''

Blair rolled her eyes, wishing for the day they would finally move out of this place. She glanced down at the trashcan and familiar unpleasant odor it let out. It reminded her of all the times she did the duty to spare her parents the trouble. How long ago did those days seem. They were poor, but peaceful. Days filled with mother's hugs and home-cooked meals. Where was her father? Her brother? Had they completely erased her out of their lives?

Her soul ached at the thought. She had nobody. Nobody except for Chuck, but even he seemed to have abandoned her.

''Is your husband home?'' Jessica peered in over her shoulder, glancing at the empty space.

''Why? What would you need him for?''

''Nothing,'' Dan's fiance shrugged her shoulders. ''We're family, I'm just asking around.''

''You think I don't see you following him around?'' Blair narrowed her eyes, sick of lies that grew a a vile, tangled web around her. ''You think I don't see you stalking him?''

''Ungrateful brat!'' Jessica barked, suddenly changing the demeanor. ''I work my ass downstairs so you can lead a carefree life here. What if I hadn't been controlling Dan? Your buoyant leisure in the penthouse was paid by your husband.''

''What?''

In that moment, sound of elevator spread through the space and out walked a heavy polished captoe shoe.

''Oh, good.'' Jessica's mouth spread in a malicious grin. ''Here he comes. Mr. Bass, you owe me five hundred dollars for today.''

Blair seized his appearance immediately; loose tie, overworn suit and hunched back. ''What is she talking about?''

He stepped closer and light fell on deep shadows under his eyes, enlightening pallor of his skin. ''Go.'' He muttered lowly, dark slanted eyes rolling.

''Excuse me?'' Jessica nasalized in frustrated shock, hand at her throat. ''What about our arrangement?''

''You've been paying her?'' Blair demanded an explanation, glaring at him as he avoided looking at her.

Finally he sighed and turned to his wife, adding in a tired whisper, ''Please, let's just go inside.''

''You've been paying her?'' She grit through teeth as that volcano shook threateningly, yet another secret floating up the surface of their marriage. What else did the looming depths hold? What else had he kept away from her? Even now, he refused to give an answer. Jessica smugly smiled and opened up her palm, beckoning with fingers towards him.

He glanced and Blair, but she stood her ground, stubborn in not letting him in. Like a deadly fire behind closed doors, eating up a house, Chuck seethed quietly and angrily shuffled his pockets. Upon finding what he was looking for, he pulled out a thinly rolled up set of bills and threw them at Jessica's face. The girl yelped, kneeling down to hurriedly pick up green candies.

''What did you do?'' Blair demanded, thinking to herself she sounded like a broken record. What did you do? Where have you been? Who were you with? Why do you hurt me?

So many questions, yet no answers.

Jessica could be heard wailing 'This is not enough' on the other end until doors forcefully shut closed and cut her off completely. They were left alone. The apartment was cold. Manhattan glowed behind the windows, lights twinkling menacingly.

''You gave her five hundred dollars for every day I spent in here?''

''I did.'' He admitted without a pause, forcibly shrugging off his coat. ''I didn't trust your brother. As if I was wrong not to.''

''So you've purchased me from downstairs? Like a thing off the auction?''

Was that the reason he stopped treating her like a person?

''You're overreacting,'' He quipped and started for the living room, dismissing her. His perfume left a trail, strong masculine scent with bitter aftertaste.

How fast did he cut her off. No excuses, no explanation. As if he couldn't be bothered to talk to her.

''What else did you buy off?''

Chuck stopped in his tracks and slowly turned around, gloom of suspense obscuring his face. She stared back at him, seizing familiar lines, looking for someone that she once knew.

''Did you blackmail Elle?'' She asked with a cramp in her stomach.

There was a moment of silence in which treacherous world went on without them, as if mocking them for being stuck in the same damned place over and over again. As they stood in the stagnant water with rotting weeds, people around them laughed and fell in love and lived.

''I simply offered a chance to provide her with help until she gives birth,'' He diplomatically replied with such forced calmness. ''And yes, in return, to give us our peace back.''

''As soon as it hits the fan,'' She scoffed in mockery, revolted. Revolted and petrified. So it was true after all. He was doing things behind her back. He didn't even try to explain himself, or let her in on it. He was purposefully building a wall between them, rock by rock. Murmurs of monsters, waiting in the dark, biding their time, surrounded her like a hand around the shivering throat. ''You're counting the bills. It's so easy to buy people off with money. So easy for great Chuck Bass, The Heir.''

''I'm not talking to you while you're like this,'' He had the nerve to brush past her, grabbing his coat that still held his warmth, off the rack. He shoved it on, his lips set in a tight line. ''You'll never understand.''

''How well do you understand me?'' Blair pulled his sleeve to make him stay and hear her out. She positioned herself between him and the doors, arms crossed tightly. He still avoided looking directly at her. ''Can you see what I'm struggling with? Who I'm struggling against?''

''Don't twist this out,'' Chuck huffed in annoyance, pulling fingers through his dark hair, misjudging her words. She implied his family, her family and everyone that rooted against them. He only saw himself as her true enemy. ''As if I don't have enough on my plate already as it is. The stuff I'm going through-''

''Can you see what I'm going through?!'' She cried out in frustration, her eyes for a second falling on an unsealed yellow envelope which he didn't even care to notice. An envelope that held her death sentence, yet he saw nothing of it.

''We're doing this all over again?'' He nearly rolled his eyes. Their glares clashed and something in her broke at the realization. He didn't care about her. He didn't ask her once how she was holding up, when it was so obvious she was nearly falling apart.

Chuck was taking their love for granted. They didn't talk anymore. The sex was bad. There was no laughter. He didn't even try to comfort her when she sulked around. He didn't even notice she never left this apartment anymore because she always seemed to be waiting for him, with nowhere else to go. She had no family, no friends - not since she chose him over everyone else. Blair only had Chuck.

And he seemed to be choosing everyone else over her.

''What if it was me?'' Her challenging voice simmered down to a quiet threat. The air shifted and apartment never looked more than a graveyard, a comforting resting place of tenderness they once felt for each other.

''Stop it.'' Chuck snarled, eyes darkening to a matte onyx. The scowl on his face deepened down to a monstrous grotesque. Acutely, he felt the anger stirred by her hand, shaped and molded into a fiery spasm.

''Making myself believe I need to punish you as you have punished me,'' She went on with curled upper lip, fueled by the dark cloud that settled over his brow, by the bead of sweat that fell down his left temple as he glowered down at her.

A thirst in her simmered quietly, malicious and degenerative. A thirst to provoke him, to break down the wall.

''You better quit while you can.'' He hissed, his fists clenched at sides as darkness suffocated the small space between them. Darkness perverted his mind and he shook his head, trying to set himself free, to inhale freely. But there was no air. Only thick smell of madness that crept up his neck. Madness that bore smothering scent of her skin.

''Why?'' She raised her brow. ''Because I'm a woman? Because I'm not a guy, not someone that can screw around like you did?''

''Get out of my way,'' Chuck growled, not daring to touch her for his fists shook with rage. His nostrils flared as everything he couldn't say trashed under the prison of pride and fear. Last thing he wanted to do right now was see her as she saw him. A devil. Creature of the night. Slave to his sins.

''Answer me.'' She refused to break eye-contact, grabbing his jaw with her fingers, digging her nails in to keep his face just an inch away from hers. ''What if our roles were reversed? What if I let someone touch me, for one night?''

''Blair-'' He bit, pushing her shoulders away as a sickening scene played around them. As her perfume blocked his airway and muddled his wits. The swing of her hips. And strong hands on skin of her thighs. Hands that were not his. Tanned hands with callouses. Handy with rope. Just what she liked.

Someone else claiming her. Tying her to the bedpost as she only let him do. Thrusting in her. Kissing spots nobody kissed but him. Drinking her in as only he was allowed to. It made him shake with rage. It made spots in his vision dance. ''Drop it.''

His head swam with these demons that plagued him since he first realized he wanted her. He always had a violent temper, inherited by his mother, but Blair was his time-bomb. And here she was, ticking loudly, brining the story to life with her sinning lips. And there was only one name she could hurt him with. One name that could provide her with all the things he had failed to.

She would get love. Money. Security. Her family's approval. With him, her life would be exactly what she wanted.

If she said his name, it would mean he, at one point, crossed her mind as someone to hurt him with. Or even worse, to replace him. Maybe once, maybe twice, maybe hundred fucking times she imagined herself with him. In bed, on his Ducatti, on his yacht.

Maybe she imagined those things while in bed with Chuck, while he was talking to her, while he was kissing her - and Blair wished he was someone else. Maybe one, maybe twice, maybe hundred fucking times - she wished Chuck was him.

''Just to punish you,'' She licked her ruby lips. ''If I had spent a single night with Morelli-''

It was the lick of the lips that had done him. In that moment, as her tongue flicked out at the mention of that damned name, he hated her.

As if universe slowed down at that crumbling moment - just for her - she saw his palm rise in the air, like an eclipse threateningly moving over the light on the ceiling. Shadow fell on his face, on his furious, vicious face - throwing it in the dark for good. In that world-stopping moment, she knew what would happen and somehow, she made peace with division that would ensue.

Somehow, she felt relief as his hand landed on her pristine cheek, as she felt cut form by his hand and sting in the corner of her mouth. The breath that left her body wasn't the same one that entered it afterwards. There was salvation in destruction.

Finally, she thought to herself, she was saved. There were things that can't be forgiven.

She didn't bother to cry, regardless of the pain. It was a waste of time. She wasn't touched by his expression that immediately turned to numbing shock, as if he couldn't believe he did what he did.

Blair took her time to raise her head. Nonchalantly, as if she was untouched by all this, she put back a strand of hair that lost it's way by the blow. Fixing her hair, she calmly grabbed her coat and turned around to go.

Dignified and proud, before she left, before she left everything she had in that apartment - Blair flashed him a single look that would petrify Medusa herself.

As she walked down the stairs of the building she heard him call out and rush after her. Blair continued to descend, even after finding Dan and father in the lobby. They stared at her with wide eyes, ever so often glancing upstairs at tormenting calls of her husband. Not even then did she pause. Not even then did she bother to wipe a drop of blood that trickled down her chin.

Regal and cool, she walked past them with raised head and out on the cold night.