Chapter Fifty-One

Hell Loose

Nothing is lost if one has the courage to proclaim that all is lost and we must begin anew.

''Are you crazy?'' She lashed out in disbelief as he turned the key in the lock and pocketed the item.

''Goddamn I am,'' Chuck said. ''We both are and until we find a cure for this disease, we aren't leaving this apartment.''

Blair stared at him, looking for signs of madness in that dark palette spotted with amber. In that infinity of darkness and stars, she found nothing but fever. Same saccharine, balmy fever that ran down her veins. She could feel her blood boiling, thickening as the wall between them shook.

''I want to leave.'' She grit through her teeth, glancing at the doors behind him. ''Right now.''

''No.''

Blair was for a moment put off by the abruptness of the reply. There was no room for discussion. Lately, she was used to avoiding him and rejecting his calls, to slighting him in every possible way. But being here with him, alone, was a plight which she wanted to avoid at any cost. ''Have you lost your mind?''

''Au contraire,'' He airily replied, unbuttoning the coat whilst still looking directly at her. His unwavering gaze, it did things to her. ''I haven't been this sane in a while.''

''Says the Josef Fritzl!'' Blair snapped, glancing towards the windows.

''The drop is too high.'' He observed while casually approaching the mini bar, fetching a bottle of Evian. ''Care for a drink?''

''It's comforting to know I always have the escape of death.'' She sarcastically remarked. ''What's wrong with you? Open the doors, Chuck.''

''You're what's wrong with me.'' He retorted with that deep voice of his, determination flashing in the dark orbs. ''I'm not going to let you run away again. We're not leaving this place until we talk this out.''

His eyes slightly widened as she stormed towards him and pushed his chest fiercely. The thrust surprised him, but he didn't back away.

''Who do you think you are?'' His wife lashed out in raging anger, shoving him once again. Chuck stumbled back by the impact, dropped on the couch behind him and remained there. ''You think caging me in and forcing me to talk would do the trick? Sad, you don't even know me at all.''

''That's the thing,'' With the predatory grace of a puma, he leaned towards her heaving body. She held her ground as she looked down at him. ''I'm the only one that really knows you. We both know this is the only way to get you to talk.''

Blair couldn't but notice the smoldering fire of his eyes, the way he looked at her as if knowing all of her filthy secrets. A promise to hold them and keep them safe.

''Try me.'' She said, but voice somehow turned raspy and she cleared her throat. Blair fluttered away from him as a butterfly flutters away from it's favorite flower, in fear of the thorns. Instead, she decided to stare out the window for the rest of the evening.

''If you want.'' He murmured an hour after, calmly sipping his black tea which he made in the meantime. Her cup was on the table, untouched - drop of milk and teaspoon of honey, just how she liked it. ''You can keep quiet until morning. The longer you keep giving me the silent treatment, the longer this is going to go on for. I've always been a fan of my elaborate monologues in your presence.''

Blair didn't even grace him with an answer. Pressing her lips together, she continued to stare out at the twilight. Sun dimmed behind gray neoclassical buildings, giving them aura of light. What would the night bring? The thought made her shudder. Blair channeled her inner wife of Lot, willing herself to turn into a pillar of salt.

''Your choice.'' Chuck added breezily for a good measure.

Her foot tapped nervously. She was losing her cool. Something began to press on her chest. She was losing her breath.

''We have plenty of time. You're here. I'm here. That's all I need.''

She spared him a single, deliberate, disgusted glance.

In that moment, someone rang the bell. Alarmed, they both shot up at the same time, racing for the doors. Her pale hand was an inch from the doors, but he took her like Hades took Persephone - with rapture and urgency. Just as she opened her mouth to scream for help, Chuck pressed his hand over her lips. Her scream died out in her throat, unable to get out. In vain did she struggle against him.

This close, she could smell his soap and feel his heartbeat. A dangerous mix. Metaphysical Molotov cocktail.

Whoever was at the doors was now long gone, and Blair was aware of the warm breath on her neck. Skin tingled under the love spell and she broke off.

''What are you doing?'' She breathed out, agitated. Blair licked her lips and thought she could taste sweet juice of pomegranates on them. ''You can't keep me locked in here!''

''You will talk to me.'' Chuck whispered forcefully and Blair thought he somehow looked different, as if whatever happened in the meantime affected him too. His words lost the edge, his eyes gained that seething pyre.

''What am I to talk to you about?'' She asked bitterly, fixing her dishevel hair with an upturned nose. ''You've obviously lost your mind! As soon as I get out, I'm pressing charges. You'll pay for this.''

''The price doesn't matter, if it get's you talking to me.''

''Oh, the great ego talks!'' She mocked, heading up in the kitchen to get a glass of water. Her throat was parched with all the screaming. ''Me, me, me! Everything is always about Chuck Bass.''

''Naturally, and when it's not about me - it's about you and Morelli.'' His steps were quick and heavy as he followed behind. ''What about all the rumors about you two?''

The name had her pausing in the doorway. Single visit to his office, single drive to her dorm - and they were already having an affair. Blair didn't turn around, but merely added over her shoulder. ''You're even more pathetic than those imbeciles spreading the rumor.''

''You're making me pathetic.''

Rolling her eyes, she walked into the unused, pristine kitchen. With a steady hand, she poured tap water in her glass - knowing how much he hated when she drank from the thing. ''Me? Who am I? Who am I next to your grand charisma and fragile ego?''

He took a step towards her and shadow fell across his face as he growled, ''This isn't about my ego, this is about my heart.''

Not looking at him, she took her time to get a sip of the water. Blair left the glass half-full and turned around to face him. Chuck glanced at the drink with vivid abhorrence. With that charming sight, she splashed the remaining content of the glass across his bourgeois face.

''Don't talk to me about heart,'' She seethed, tightly clutching the crystal in her hand - so hard, her knuckles turned white. ''Don't you dare.''

Chuck barely flinched. For a moment, he let the drops run down his face and stain the crispy white Tom Ford shirt. With a sigh, he wiped them off with back of his hand.

''You didn't drag me all the way here to talk,'' She spat as she threw the glass in the sink. ''You dragged me here because you couldn't handle the rumors. Wife of The Heir left mutual home to live in the dorm, is also having an affair with Edward Morelli. You just want to pipe down all the yentas.''

''Just admit you wanted to keep me here until all the rumors involving Edward quiet down.'' She challenged, crossing her arms and watching him take a kitchen towel to wipe excess water. The fabric glided across his smooth skin. It rounded the cheeks, dipping down to the jaw, only to slide down the neck. Adam's apple bobbed up and down and she stared at it.

''I just wanted to end the charade.'' He stubbornly replied. He threw away the towel and, as she was about to leave, gathered his fingers around collar of his shirt. One by one, buttons were popped open.

''Fine.'' Changing her mind suddenly, she turned around. He looked up from the buttons with raised eyebrows. ''Let's talk about those rumors. Which one is the worst?'' She placed a finger on her chin and pretended to think hard. ''The one where I'm leaving you for Edward, or the one where I'm having an affair with another man?''

Wide eyed, her face contorted into the expression of pure horror. Her hands flew to her open mouth. With a small, frightened voice, she quipped, ''Oh! I should stop before I get slapped across my face again.''

Quickly, her face resumed back the spiteful stoicism and body gained back blasé attitude. Only fire raged between slits of eyes.

Chuck paled and his hands, though leaving the job only halfway done, dropped at his sides.

''That will never happened again.'' He vowed solemnly, taking her elbow. There was an intense moment when she stumbled towards him and their eyes met. It was one of those world stopping moments, filled with uninvited anticipation. Blair stared directly at him, not blinking.

Surprised, she yelped as he merely pushed her away from the mess on the floor.

''I don't want to talk about gossip, Blair.'' He murmured, crouching down to soak in the puddle. ''I want to talk what it did to us.''

''Us,'' She repeated with a scoff, crossing her arms and turning to glare down. She felt sick to her stomach. ''You have no right to say that word. You're the one that ruined everything. What I didn't destroy with my lies, you destroyed with that pregnant girl and that slap.''

''I did!'' He called out tiredly as he rose, with a dose of guilt and remorse. ''And I can never forgive myself for it. Go on, let it all out! We need to talk it out, we need to start somewhere.''

''You're right, we do need to start somewhere.'' Blair smiled at him, but it was filled with scorn. She grabbed the edge of his half-open shirt, pulling him along. Her voice turned chirpy, alarmingly bright for a heavy situation. ''Let's start with the bedroom.''

As soon as they entered the room, she let go of him as if he was toxic.

''Redecorating the bedroom was a perfect first move,'' She spoke lively, as if she just fell out of an add on TV. ''Right?''

He thought sneakily redecorating the place while they were out and about in Hamptons would make her forget? That a patched-up work, a luxury decor, would fill the cracks in their soul, would erase her doubts and fears?

Chuck watched her savagely demolish the thing. Every single vase was thrown on the floor, every picture frame smashed against the desk. Linen was ripped off the bed, along with covers. Pillows were mercilessly stomped on.

His decorator, Giovanni, would have a fit if he had seen this.

''How nice!'' She growled, drunk on rich flavor of the violent anger. Blair seemed rejuvenated by the effort, by the beautiful chaos laid down by the ire which had infested in her. Glowing with exercise and wielding sword of fury, she turned to him with a stormy look. ''Let's fool ourselves with tapestry! But no matter how many times you change this room, you can't change these walls! You can't make me forget!''

Because these very walls were witnesses to that cursed night when he laid down with someone else, as a revenge. These silent giants were her allies and her enemies, a constant reminder of his betrayal. And yet despite everything, she used to sleep in this very room, lay next to him on this very bed that sometimes still carried unknown scent of that woman.

And he dared to manipulate her. As if the memory of that girl leaving the apartment wasn't burned into her mind. As if changing the scenery would erase the scene.

''Tapestry,'' She hissed as her temper cooled down. ''How clever of you. Cover up these walls, hide them. They know everything. If they were people, you'd bribe them too.''

Unlike Blair, they know exactly what was going on in this room that night. How badly did she want to make them talk, to press her ear against their coldness and listen to what they have to say. At the same time, what ever they may say, scared her to death.

''No matter what you try to do, you can't undo what happened.''

''I can't!'' He lashed out, provoked by the display of his sins, finally losing self-possession with which he watched the scene. ''And you can't erase the reason which led to that night. I made a mistake and no matter how many times I apologized for it, it was your mistake to share.''

Blair's expression changed from disbelieving fury, to something dark, something impenetrable.

''That night is our mistake,'' He said, looking right into the depths of her turbulent soul. ''Proceeded by your lies.''

Provoked by her deceit.

''Cheap excuse for you weakness.'' She snarled, clutching her fists.

''Cheap or not, it's true.'' Chuck declared flatly. ''What for did you apologize to me then, back in the cabin? An apology for the sake of an apology? You can't deny it.''

''Do you even know what she said to me?'' She grit through her teeth. Finally, a question that had been plaguing her sanity ever since they discovered the pregnancy. He had ripped off her mask and, fury uncovered, Blair demanded to know the truth. ''She told me I can't even imagine the things you said to her that night.''

At the change of the subject, with imperious roll of the eyes, he turned around and left her gasping in shock. What an unforgivable offense it was, to leave in the middle of her front-page speech which she had many times rehearsed in her head. His abrupt, insolent withdrawal did nothing but provoke her further.

''To be honest.'' She raised voice as she chased him down the hall, infuriated. ''I don't know! Care to elaborate on that matter? Or were you too drunk to remember?''

''What did you two talk about?'' She pressed on stubbornly, blocking his way and forcing him to face her. She would get her answer, she would plague him as much as Elizabeth Pollock plagued her. ''Or did you not talk at all? Did you just moan all night long?''

He said nothing, but merely shook his head and shifted his jaw.

''Tell me,'' She ordered feverishly, pushing his chest to force him to look at her. His casual attitude only electrified every seemingly indifferent cell in her body, brining out the tempest. ''Did you compliment her hair? Or her lips, for an example? Did you close your eyes while you kissed her?''

''Tell me how you kissed her!'' She cried out as she shoved him once again, only to hide the trembling of her hands. Blair got a fistful of his shirt and brought his impenetrable face closer to her. Her voice lowered down to a desperate, seductive whisper, all the pain and desire twisting like two currents around each other. ''Did you kiss her like you kiss me?''

''Gently.'' She sighed against his mouth and something escaped her lips what was not meant to escape. Something that was stifled during the day, and let out only under the moonlight. Magnetic energy between them pulsed violently,neglected for too long. Her breath, as if it was a magical key, unlocked his lips.

Bewitched, he leaned towards her and she pulled back ever so slightly, luring him in. She had him in her grasp, seizing the way his body moved under artfulness of her devious touch. Blair's nose traced skin on his neck. His perfume, oh the sweetness, the nectar for butterflies hiding in labyrinth of her heart. They fluttered their velvety wings at the scent, wanting to fly off in rapture.

''Or did you kiss her with passion?''

She could hear him inhale sharply as her mouth grazed the edge of his jaw. Blair opened her eyes to get a better look at his hypnotized face - to drink in the influence she still yielded over him.

His breath warmed her mouth. There was a hungry look in his gaze that took her back to days spent in his bedroom in San Remo. He was getting impatient, his eyes darker. She recognized that dominant, bedroom figure in them.

The desire, the fire, the fury. It was all in their blood.

''I kissed her like this,'' He breathed against her lips, grabbing her forearms and pinning her against the wall. Chest against chest, heart against heart. Holding her against him, he kissed her wildly, with ravaging passion. His mouth was sweet like honey, his tongue virtuoso in the art of love making. Though it brought eternities and laid them at her feet, it was but an earthly moment and it came to an abrupt close.

She pushed him away, placing her shaky fingers on her tingling lips.

''Don't do that.''

''Why?'' He stared down at her while his heavy breathing matched her own. ''Because you kissed me back?'

Wordlessly, she stalked to the living room. His eyes followed her like a hawk. Slowly, he traced her steps. Not once did his penetrating gaze steer from her face.

Outside, sun fell down and darkness veiled the city. Stars were hidden away and moon, silent and watchful, shone bright upon the sinning city. They had been in the apartment for a while now and, under the soles of her feet, Blair sensed fire.

''Just let me go already.'' She snapped, rubbing her forehead. There was no oxygen in the apartment. She felt herself going out of breath, growing nervous.

''If I let you leave now, you will do everything to never cross paths with me again. And I would just find you again. I would bring you home.''

She was getting restless. Her skin felt too tight, as if her soul wanted to claw out of it. The walls were closing down on her. His eyes were burning holes in her skin. She needed to do her homework, she needed to make the dorms curfew and she needed some air. ''Chuck Bass, you'll open those doors right now.''

She shot daggers at him, yet he continued to be an impenetrable, tall wall. The coldness of his aristocratic breeding fueled her gypsy fire and all she wanted to do was to knock it down, to shatter it into million pieces.

''Fine then,'' Blair conceded and snatched remote control on the table. Ignoring his wary gaze, she turned on the TV and blasted the volume. ''Let's see which of the neighbors will file a noise complaint first.''

A pop song blared through the apartment before he had the chance to wrestle for the remote and turn off the screen. By that time, Blair was already throwing the desk lamp on the floor.

''Who's living downstairs?'' She shouted while pulling an entire collection of vinyl records off the shelf in a raucous tumble. ''Diana Trophy Wife Sparks?''

He was standing in her way. He needed to be demolished.

Every chair was knocked back, one by one. Silky tablecloth from the table, along with fine porcelain bowl came down in a smash. Blair was so engaged in the making of pandemonium that she didn't even notice he left. What did draw her attention was sudden and complete darkness.

The lights went out with a distinctive click. She thought she saw shadows flicker on the wall, like that time when Georgina nearly killed them. Shiver went down her spine. The same fear slithered up her back and settled around her neck. She imagined it was choking her.

Dropping whatever she was holding, Blair realized she was left alone in the dark gloom - a prey to monsters. Her eyes darted around the obscure black.

Soon enough, he appeared - carrying lighted candle in his hand. The glowing stick alighted his brooding face, and relief, though unseen, flooded her.

''Great.'' She sneered, coming to her senses as he moved around her to light other candles. ''Candlelight. How romantic.''

''Dim lights are proven to be soothing.'' He countered calmly, dripping the wax on a piece of shattered bowl and placing it on the desk.

''Because it's deceiving,'' She argued, crossing her arms. Blair tried not to appreciate the balmy aroma of scented candles that spread around them. Her muscles seemed to relax, but she refused to let go of the tensity. What would happen if she let go of her anger? ''You can't see the mess around us in this faint light. You can hide the truth, but you can't destroy it.''

She pressed her lips tighter, unnerved by the ease with which he walked through her chaos. As if it didn't bother him, the worst side of her. For a moment, she forgot about all the problems looming over their head - pregnancy, betrayal, hurt.

''Did you light the candles for her too?''

''No.'' Another apathetic, short answer to the acidic question.

''How rude.'' She scoffed in mockery, sitting down on a sofa which he previously occupied. ''So unlike Prince of The Night.''

''The only point of that night was to hurt you.'' He quietly said, as if his whole darkness was rooted in that one event. ''I wanted to prove to myself I could destroy you. She was just an accidental choice. I wanted to go back in time, time before I met you. Before I fell in love with you. Time where I didn't feel anything.''

''Spare me.'' Blair cut him short. She still felt that rawness, that hurt, when he confessed it was just sex. A primal need in him that defeated their love that night. Digging her nails into flesh of her palms, Blair tried to block out everything that dared to intrude her passive sanctuary which she fought hard to build.

''You knew you were special.'' A voice like a vicious, silent strike of thunder bubbled out of her throat. She was shaking, her skin was burning, as omnipotent feelings overwhelmed any kind of cynicism. ''You knew you meant everything to me. And you took advantage of that.''

''I was willing to forget many things regarding that night,'' Blair went on seething as he watched her. ''I was willing to forget your hypocrisy, your cowardice, weakness.''

She paused right there, because what was about to be spoken came directly from the core of her heart, from the center of her pain. It took more than words to convey the message - it took shaky hands, teary eyes and a broken heart.

''I will never forget how you crushed my heart.''

Because he was supposed to be her beacon, not her downfall. He was supposed to be the one to cherish her, not bring her down.

''I'm sorry.'' His gaze cast down, his voice barely a murmur. ''I will never forget the way you looked at me as you left.''

There.

Finally - the apology. Against her will, her heart bent at the sound of his voice, aching for him, wanting to protect him. Protect him from herself.

She grit her teeth, heaving. No, she could not give in to him now. No, one word from him could not erase her hurt. It would not do! Not this time.

''You're a coward!'' She cried out in agony, conflicted.

''I am.'' He glanced up, orange hue settling over side of his face, making his gaze look gloomy. ''I am scared, Blair. Ever since you walked into my life, I've always been scared of one single thing - of losing you. It consumes me. It drives me insane. I was scared of losing you to another guy, now I'm terrified of you leaving me and never returning.''

It seemed as if he was too overcome to speak further. Chuck pressed his lips and rose, walking away towards the bedroom.

It seemed her heart took her by the hand and pulled her to follow him. She readily went, and then suddenly stopped.

Something held her in spot. The ground shook beneath her. She looked down and saw a volcano. She could feel the warmth of fire on her skin and it was pleasing.

From the depths, Chuck called out to her and she put her feet against the edge, looking down dazedly.

You know what he wants you to know, a sharp whisper pulled her out of the stupor. The green snake hissed and Blair's head snapped up, eyes narrowed. He thought he could fool her with a sob story?

''Why don't you answer me?'' She called out, following his step. ''Answer me the question I asked that night. What would you do if our roles were reversed?''

''I don't know.'' He replied, his voice lower than before.

''Liar!''

''I don't know, Blair.'' Chuck looked back at her as he entered the bedroom. Blair halted watched him light a candle on the bedside. She leaned on the doorway, not daring to enter. It was a black hole. Underground kingdom of Hades and pomegranates were laid out on bed. ''I don't know what would happen. Would I kill him? Would I run away? I don't know, I can't know. All I know is, it wouldn't be over between us. No matter what. Not for me.''

''Is it over for us?'' His hooded eyes met hers and her breath halted at the intensity of his gaze. Something in them was calling out to her.

''The words you want to hear,'' She forced out. ''I won't say them.''

''Then tell me what I don't want to hear,'' Chuck took a step towards her. ''Tell me what I'm terrified to hear. You now the words.''

He was daring her to break his heart. He was daring her to cut the ties and walk away.

She unclenched her teeth, but her tongue wouldn't cooperate. A desire of independence and fear of losing him wrestled in her. Blair loved him, but she had not forgiven him. Their lives had become so entangled, with no chance of return, their hearts a Gordian knot.

''You had forgiven everyone,'' He demanded with fervor at the silence. ''Your family, that crazy Georgina... But you can't forgive me?''

Silence befell them. They were holding breaths. All Blair could hear was thumping of the heart - was it his or her own? In that moment between the beats, in that space of heaven and hell, was siege over her soul. Unable to answer, she briskly walked away.

''Why?'' He called out in raw desperation. ''Why not me?'''

Why? Why? Why?

Heaving, she stopped, but didn't dare face him. Looking at the chaos in the living room, she wondered if he could finally see this was how she felt inside. Torn apart. And he made her like this. ''You weren't like them. You used to make me feel safe, not afraid. You used to make me feel untouchable. And you ruined it. I'm terrified of you.''

There were quick steps and he was in front of her.

''You'll learn to trust me again,'' He vowed, pleading. ''Like I learned to trust you. Let me show you how. I can only do that if you stay with me. ''

She felt cornered.

Tentatively, he moved his hand and his fingers brushed against hers. Skin against skin. No barrier. Immediately, that electric power of their chemistry triggered something in her.

She felt trapped.

''Please, stay with me.''

She couldn't breathe.

Inferno. That is what he caused within her. Terrifying, blazing bonfire - a world filled with eternal suns and blooming pyres. Her skin, once thick, turned to ash under his feathery touch. Hysteria was gathering in her, charged by fear and hunger. She felt trapped and it was driving her insane.

She wanted to claw out of her skin and evaporate into the air, disappear completely.

''Let me go,'' Blair drew out with a malevolent note. ''Or burn with me.''

Quick as a flash, she grabbed one of the candles and set the curtains on fire.