Somewhere on Autumn Woods Drive

By Rikku Minouke

Disclaimer: I don't own YYH. But I do own the ideas of the story!

AN: to some older readers this chappie will seem familiar. If you read my old discontinued story from years ago now that I deleted, it's very close. But like I said in chapter one, I wanted to keep parts of that Botan alive in this story. Back then, writing this was way too soon and way too hard for me, but now I think I'm ready to touch on the topic. Here's to wishing me luck from here on out! I'm gonna really need all the support I can get. My husband's been brought up to speed, we'll see if he can help me through this another time. Love that man. He brought me home ice cream today as preparation material haha

Chapter forty

My mom suggested that I looked into therapy before the baby came. She said that it might help me try to deal with all my pent up anxiety. Supposedly that's an issue after the birth of a baby and it would be better if I were to learn how to deal with it now than after the baby is born. At least I'd be prepared.

I don't know how it started. All I knew was that I didn't want it stop any time soon. His lips were on mine, tenderly kissing away my tension. Slipping through my hair to cup the back of my head, his hands cradled me to him. His tongue was against mine and it was impossible for me to stop my hands from gripping the front of his yellow polo shirt. I've never had someone hold me like he was at this moment. Kurama made me feel like I was the most fragile thing on this Earth and he'd do anything to keep me from breaking.

Too bad he didn't see the cracks before touching me though. I felt his hands move from my hair and down the back of my neck to gently hold the junction of my head and neck. The moment his thumb touched the front of my neck, however, it was too late. I threw my head back with a loud gasp as my hands pushed him off me.

Briefly I saw his wide eyes before mine involuntarily closed and I wrapped my hands protectively around my neck. The breath in my lungs stung my insides. In my head, I knew it was Kurama in front of me, kissing me. But my body reacted as if it were him touching me. It made me feel dirty in so many ways.

"Botan?" Kurama whispered. I felt his hand lay softly on my knee and I felt bad for flinching, but his hand didn't dart away. Instead it rubbed tenderly against the fabric of my pants.

"I'm sorry, Kurama," I said after a moment of deep breathing. "I didn't mean….I didn't…" I stopped trying to talk. My lips formed an 'O' shape and sucked in short breaths.

"It's alright," he said quietly and I shook my head.

"No, it's not," I told him still holding my neck. "I know it's you."

"Of course it's me," he seemed confused and I didn't blame him. I'm sure he hadn't intended to make out with a crazy person today.

"He just used to do things to me," I heard my own voice shake.

"What do you mean?" his voice was low but the concern was clear.

"There were times…" I held my breath in hopes it would make the sting in my eyes go away.

I felt his hand lightly squeeze my thigh. "We don't need to talk about this." Shaking my head, I looked at my lap. "Please don't push yourself if you aren't ready."

His polite concern made me lower my hands slowly to my lap. The breaths I took felt empty and fake, as if I were still struggling to breathe. "My ex…. He liked…" Swallowing, I lifted my eyes to the ceiling. "I don't even know how to explain it, Kurama. He was brutal to me. But I let him."

"Don't blame yourself," Kurama told me quickly.

"I don't know how not to," I said honestly. "I let him take control of me worse than if I was a sex slave. That would have probably been better than what I went through. At least then there would have been a safe word."

I saw his face harder and his shoulders slump. No words left his tense lips though. One palm ran over my face as I tried not look at his face. That would just make this so much more difficult.

"Kurama, there was just so much he did to me in the time span I was with him," I breathed out. "I was so inexperienced sexually before him. And now …. Now I feel like I'll never be the same again." My head fell to the back on the leather couch. "I wish I was a normal girl for you."

"You are a normal girl, Botan," he whispered and reached for my hand. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him raise it to his lips and set a gentle kiss to my palm. It brought a small smile to my face, one that felt slightly out of place. "Just because you went through a traumatic event doesn't make you abnormal. I still look at you the same way. A beautiful, intelligent, charismatic, humorous woman."

"You are so buttering me up right now," I couldn't stop the upturn of my lips.

"I'm glad it's working," he had an airy tone to his voice.

Lifting my head back up to look at him. "I do want to tell you though, about what he did." My words made both of our faces fall, but he nodded for me to continue.

"If you feel that it will help you," he said.

"I do," I said. "Kurama, my ex… It wasn't something he'd do often. But every once in a while…" I closed my eyes trying not to picture the scene. "He would yell at me to stay perfectly still. Then wrap his hands around my neck." I could feel him stiffen even more next to me, if possible, as my hands once more went to my neck in a protective manner. "He would choke during sex as he demanded I not move. And he would yell at me calling me a things like 'dirty slut' or 'whore'. If that didn't feel like rape than I don't know what it was."

"Did you ever tell him no?" His voice was so low that it almost scared me.

Shaking my head I opened my eyes to gaze down at the carpet. "No I didn't. I couldn't. Honestly, I felt like if I said I didn't like things than I was afraid he'd leave and I'd be alone again. He was the only person I had in St Cloud. If he left than what would I do?"

"I'm sure he knew that as well," Kurama took a deep breath and rubbed his thumb over the knuckles of my hand.

"I only told him 'no' once," I admitted. Taking a deep breath. "He had me brace against the wall of our bedroom. I didn't think anything different of it at the time, but that's when he smacked me with my own studded belt. And he really didn't go light on me."

"What?" Kurama's voice was short and harsh. "Fuck, you have to be kidding."

"No," I shook my head, feeling the heaviness of my eyelids. "I told you once that my dad had only done that to me once and it wasn't bad because he wasn't doing it to hurt me. Well, my ex did it to hurt me."

"But you said 'no'?"

"Yes," I nodded. I remembered turning around and grabbing the belt from his hands and demanding that he never did that again. "He didn't use the belt again. Didn't mean he didn't find other things to do to me."

"Botan," Kurama said and lifted on hand to run the back of his fingers over my cheek. "I won't let anything like that happen to you again." Sighing, I looked into his eyes as his hand turned to cup my face. I watched as he leaned in and pressed a soft kiss to my lips. He lingered there barely touching my mouth before pulling back enough to look into my eyes. "I watch you to look at me for a moment."

"What do you mean?" I was confused. I was looking at him.

"I want you to watch my face," he whispered, his breath lightly hitting my lips. Nodding, I swallowed. I had a feeling I wasn't going to like this. "I know deep down you know it's me in front of you. Keep that in mind."

His hand let go of my face as he lightly trailed his fingertips over my chin. My chest started to move quicker than normal as I started to realize what he was intending. Grazing the edge of my chin, his thumb tilted my face up word so he could lay a quick kiss to my lips before pulling back slightly again.

"Keep looking at my face Botan," he coached. I tried to keep my eyes on his green orbs. The compassion burning in there was enchanting as his light fingers skimmed just under my jaw. Swirling colors and emotions in his eyes almost distracted me from the feel of his index finger finding the junction to my neck. Sucking in a nervous breath, my breath was trying to match the movement of my chest. "It's ok, Botan. It's just me. I won't hurt you."

His voice was calm as he kept his eyes on my. The sensation of his fingers slowly making their way down my neck put my skin on fire. "Kurama?"

"Shhh," he whispered and inched his face closer to mine a bit. My eyes darted to his lips momentarily as I felt his palm against the side of my neck. "It's ok, Botan. I'm here for you."

I sighed when his lips touched mine in a slow soft kiss. One that made me forget about the hollow pain in my chest and focus on the lips romancing my broken heart.

AN: I might not get a chance to update tomorrow. Spending the day with my mom. So here's one more for you.