"Keith wait!" Lance ran out the doorway once he'd realized Keith had left, finding him already halfway down the hallway. His shout managed to catch his attention and he turned to him with a raised brow.
"Yeah?" He came to a stop and looked a little taken aback when Lance jogged across the hall to reach him.
"Are you ok? I mean you kind of…" Lance's words drifted for a moment as he couldn't quite figure out the right ones. He straightened and collected himself for just a second. "Look, you really freaked us out, okay? You almost died!"
"I know." Keith cast is eyes to the ground. He knew. What did he want him to say? Sorry for almost dying? This was a war. Death was common and unavoidable. He couldn't apologize for it. "But Kolivan shielded me. He's the reason I didn't."
"No, Red is the reason you didn't." Lance tensed up a little as the images of Keith, bloodied and battered, ran through his brain. "It was Red who saved you. He took me across the entire galaxy to get to you in time. If we'd arrived any later you wouldn't be here. He's still connected to you. You were dying, Keith. You were sputtering blood and gasping and there was just blood everywhere. It was…it was something I don't ever want to see again."
Lance had to look away briefly, squeezing his eyes shut to block out the images. "It was your connection to Red that saved you."
"What…?" Keith's mind began to race. Had Red really travelled so far to save him? But why? Lance was his Paladin now. They shouldn't have any connection anymore. It didn't make sense. "That's impossible. I haven't piloted Red in months."
"Yes, it is possible because it happened." Lance stressed his words. "You're alive right now because of the Red lion. You shouldn't be out there with the Marmorites getting blown up or trying to fly into barriers, Keith. You should be in Red. Safe and doing your ninja pilot maneuvering…whatever it is you do. You're his true pilot. All of this proves that. No other lion has ever travelled so far to save a Paladin."
"I'm not his Paladin anymore. You are." Keith seemed a little overwhelmed by all of this as his mind raced with questions. Red had shown loyalty to him time and time again. It should be Lance receiving that loyalty now, not him. Red should be protecting Lance from getting blown up or flying into barriers, not him. Wait… "How did you know about the barrier…?"
Lance folded his arms, giving Keith a hard stare. His words were sharp. "Matt told us. You were planning to sacrifice yourself to bring down the barrier at Naxzela. How could you even think about doing something like that so easily?"
"I didn't know what else to do. Time was running out, and if I didn't do something soon everyone would have died." Keith's words came out defensive. This mission was much more important than the individual. Everyone knew that. If one person died for the sake of the entire coalition, wouldn't they have done the same?
"So it's okay if it's you?" Lance's stare didn't falter and he stepped closer to Keith, voice rising. "This is exactly what I'm talking about! Is that the mindset that the Marmorites have? That everyone is disposable and it doesn't matter who dies? Is that what you think? Is this really what you want, Keith? Are you really happy there?"
Keith was a little surprised at that question. Why did it matter if he was happy? No one was happy in war. None of that mattered. What mattered was winning this war. What mattered was protecting everyone. "I don't know why you're so mad. I'm not dead."
"No, you're not. But what about next time? What happens if Red isn't close enough to reach you in time? What happens if you're killed instantly?" Lance was close now, but his face didn't reflect anger. He was upset, with knitted brows and glassy eyes. He was upset that Keith didn't understand. He was upset that he would so blatantly disregard his own life without any concern as to how the rest of the team would feel. How could he think that throwing away his life was ever an acceptable solution? "I'm not mad, Keith. I'm trying to understand how I ever got to a place where I had to hold my friend in my arms, covered in blood and gasping for air on the brink of death. I'm trying to figure out how to make sure that never happens again. I can't do that again, Keith. And if you're going to be out there flinging yourself towards death, then you shouldn't be there! You should be here, with Red!"
"This is a war!" Keith's voice came out louder than he intended, as he felt his heart rate rising and his face growing hot. "I have to do everything I can to lead us to victory. I'm not flinging myself towards death, I'm doing everything I can to protect everyone else! If I have to die to make sure everyone else lives, then I'll do it."
"How would you feel if it was one of us saying that?" Lance's voice remained quiet despite Keith's outburst. "How would you feel if it was one of us who died? If you had to be the one holding me or Pidge or Shiro in your arms, not knowing if you would be the last one they ever see. Not knowing if you would make it to the castle in time and you'd have to hear their last breath. Keith, think about it! Think about what you're saying. You're part of this team. We can't lose you."
"No, I'm not!" Keith looked a little pained at those words. "I'm not a Paladin anymore. I couldn't be the leader you all needed. All I did was hurt the team. Now that Shiro is piloting the Black lion again, you guys have made way more progress than I ever did as leader. I wasn't a good fit, and with Shiro as your leader, you won't have to worry about anyone getting hurt. And if anything happens the lions will protect you. I don't have a role there anymore."
"Yes, you do." Lance grabbed Keith by the arms and his blue eyes bore into his." We need you. You're Red's true Paladin. I don't have the same connection to him that you have. That you still have. We can't form sword without you, which is our strongest weapon. Not only that, but Shiro seems to respond better to you as his right hand. He won't listen to me."
Lance's voice faltered at that, sounding almost hurt. "You should be piloting Red, not me. It's me who's in the wrong position."
"Lance, stop." Keith pulled free of his grip, holding out his hands as a signal to slow down. "What do you mean Shiro won't listen to you?"
"It's like he still sees me as a leg…or maybe he sees me as a kid, I don't know. But he won't listen to me. We don't have whatever it is that you two had. He respects you. We need you back in Red. The team needs you back in Red. That's where you belong." Lance stepped back and stuffed his hands in his pockets.
"No, it's not. All I did was make mistakes. I hurt everyone." Keith found himself avoiding Lance's determined eyes, trying to look anywhere else but at him. "Red is your lion, Lance. You earned his trust. You deserve to pilot him. The team needs you. I can't take your place."
"Yes, you can. I keep telling you, I don't have the same kind of bond with Red that you have." Lance ran a hand through his hair, growing a little frustrated with this back-and-forth. Why would Keith not want Red back? He'd never wanted to leave him to go to Black. So why was he arguing here? "You're a better pilot than me. You're better at combat than me. Shiro trusts you more than me."
"But I'm not you." Keith stressed his words and gestured towards Lance, as if doing so would get his point across, but he was only met with a confused raised eyebrow. How could he explain what he was feeling? This wasn't his strong suit, and all he wanted to do was get away from here, but if he did that Lance would definitely follow. But he couldn't replace Lance and he couldn't figure out how to explain. He found words just sort of tumbling out. "You don't get it. You're the goofball, like Pidge said, and for some reason you think that's a bad thing. But this is a war, Lance. Out there…with the Blades of Marmora, there are so many times when I wish that you were there. I needed to hear some stupid pun, or compete in some game, or even hear one of your dumb comments that we all laugh at because out there all I've seen is people around me dying. This is a war and it's grim and it's like…it's like you ground me. Or…the whole team. You keep us sane. All the destruction and all the death…it's kind of a relief to be able to laugh and not have all the heavy stuff feel so heavy. It's something I didn't realize I needed until I left. The team needs you to de-stress the really high intensity situations. I can't do that. I only make things worse. I can't take your place."
His statement was followed with silence. It was something he rarely got from Lance. He just stared at him. He seemed completely taken aback, his eyes wide and eyebrows risen. It sent a wave of nausea straight to Keith's stomach. What had he even said? It must have sounded so stupid and cheesy. He wouldn't take any of it seriously. He should have kept his mouth shut. He felt stupid and his face suddenly felt very hot. He crossed his arms tight across his chest and avoided Lance's gaze. "So that's why you need to stay with Red. I'm going to go check on Kolivan."
He turned quickly to make his escape, but Lance caught his arm before he could get too far. Even so, Keith refused to turn to face him. "Let go. I'm not going back to Red. I've made my choice."
"Stop doing this to yourself." Lance's grip tightened slightly. He had to focus on keeping the emotion out of his voice. "Stop sacrificing yourself for us. Come back. You belong here just as much as any of us."
"No, I don't!" Keith yanked himself away from Lance, keeping his face turned away. "Just stop. I couldn't be a leader and I hurt the team. I hurt you. I don't have a place there anymore, Lance. Just let me do what I can from afar with the Blades. Just let me pretend that I belong somewhere."
He didn't give Lance the chance to continue this argument. He took long strides to make it down the rest of the hall, and refused to look back as he left Lance there alone.
He stood motionless for a while, taking in all of Keith's words. Words that seemed like they should never have come out of Keith's mouth. They probably weren't supposed to. How much truth was there behind them? Did everyone else feel that way? Did the rest of the team feel like Lance's goofball persona was…relieving? They always reacted with annoyance, so he found it difficult to believe. Could he even be that person right now? He was only human. No one is happy all the time. He suddenly felt like there was an even bigger weight on his shoulders.
"Lance? You ok?" Pidge touched his arm gently, since he seemed to be spacing out in the middle of the hall. Hunk and Lotor were close behind her and they stopped when she did with Hunk harboring a look of concern.
Lance turned to look at her and she could see an obvious array of upset, anger and sadness in his face. They had only caught the very end of his and Keith's conversation, but it was obvious none of it had gone well. For a second, Lance seemed lost as he stared at her, but then he cast a glance towards Hunk and Lotor and almost immediately his expression vanished into the usual carefree Lance. He waved a dismissive hand at her. "Yeah, yeah I'm fine. It's just stupid Keith."
"You wanna come with us to bring Lotor to his room? Afterwards, I was thinking about playing some Killbot Phantasm I." She grinned and gave him a slight nudge in the side.
"I dunno. I'm actually pretty tired." Lance feigned a yawn that she didn't believe for half a second. "I was going to hit the showers and have some much needed Lance time to myself."
"Oh, come on. Matt started a game last night after dinner and has been playing it literally all day and he's going to get ahead of us." She pouted at the idea of her big brother beating her at a video game that he started playing later than her. She could never accept that. "Besides, I promised I wouldn't play it without you. And I actually keep my promises."
"You're never going to let me live that down are you?" Lance sighed, knowing she wasn't going to let him say no. "All right, all right. I'll admit I don't want Matt to beat us either, so I'll come."
"Great!" She beamed and practically pushed him down the hallway.
Keith found himself walking fast to the healing bay, clenching his fists the entire way. His mind felt so muddled that he couldn't focus. Every bone in his body screamed frustration and pent up anger that he couldn't explain. A flurry of thoughts overwhelmed his mind.
"Is this really what you want, Keith? Are you really happy?" Lance's words plagued his mind, and no matter how much he tried, he couldn't shake them out. Who was he to ask something like that? How could he just give up his place in Voltron so easily? How could he talk about leaving so nonchalantly? Especially when it had been so hard for him to do.
He wanted to scream, and he wanted to fight, but he knew none of it would help. Is this really what you want? He didn't know. He couldn't answer that because he didn't want to admit that what he really wanted was to accept Lance's offer and go back to Red. Go back to where he felt like he had a home and a place, but whenever he even imagined the possibility all he could remember was the looks of disappointment on all of their faces. Disappointment that had been aimed at him. Harsh words and accusations aimed at him. He had failed as a leader and as a team member. He couldn't go back there. He couldn't no matter how much he wished he could. He'd been rejected just like he always knew he would.
And he could never take Lance's place. Sure, he made mistakes and he needed to keep practicing. Sure, he needed to work on his bond with Red and maybe be a little less of a show off, but when things get tough, Lance was always the one who brought him back down to earth. Not just him, but the entire team. When things were so difficult after Shiro disappeared, it had been Lance that helped him keep everything together. When things get dark, it's Lance that makes everyone laugh, or lifts their spirits. He couldn't possibly take that place. He had no role on the team anymore.
This is the best thing he could think to do to make sure Voltron had the best team possible. This was the only way he could think to make sure everyone close to him was where they were supposed to be. They were safe in Voltron, and they were doing great things without him. They'd been more successful without him than they ever had with him.
"Are you really happy?" Those words seemed to dig painfully in the back of his mind. There is no happiness in war. Sacrifices need to be made, and this was one of them. Maybe he wasn't happy, but maybe he was never meant to be. He could only recall a handful of times in his life when he could say he had truly been happy. His first time in the cockpit of the Red lion had been one of them. But if his happiness hurt the rest of the team, then he was undeserving of it. He had been born in a world where he was never meant to be happy, and when he sat down and thought about it, he felt more comfortable this way. He was used to this feeling of loneliness. He was used to the heavy weight in his chest that longed for more. This was normal. This was how it was supposed to be.
He had to repeat that over and over again. This is how it's supposed to be. Get over yourself. Do what you can from afar. But you can't go back. There's no place for you there. Remember their faces. Remember their disappointment. You don't belong there.
He gritted his teeth and cursed quietly under his breath. He made his way to Kolivans' healing chamber and took a seat on the flood beside it, leaning his back against the tube as he pulled his legs to his chest. He felt so frustrated. Nothing he did was ever right. Couldn't he just make one correct choice? Couldn't he just do something right for once?
This is just how it's supposed to be.
Shiro stood at the door to the healing bay, but hesitated for a moment before going inside. His thoughts were buzzing around in his head at a million miles a minute. He had so much that he wanted to say. The last few days had been a whirlwind of emotions and now was the time to gather it all and get it off his chest. He took a quick moment to collect himself.
When he was ready, he took a step forward and the door slid open. It was easy to spot Keith, considering the room was completely empty besides him and Kolivan's healing pod. Keith was sitting beside it with his knees drawn to his chest and his arms across them. He had rested his head against them and seemed to have fallen asleep. That was completely understandable. The healing pods really took it out of you.
Shiro smiled softly and took a seat on the floor beside him. He set his hand on top of Keith's head and allowed it to rest there, and the touch was enough to make Keith open his eyes a little, mostly just to be sure it was Shiro and no one else.
There was a soft silence for a while as they just sat beside each other and allowed their own thoughts to fill their minds. Words were being chosen and feelings were being gathered and it was Shiro who first broke the silence. "You almost died, you know."
"I know…" Keith spoke into his knees and whether it was because he was tired or because he was trying to hide, Shiro wasn't too sure. "Lance already lectured me."
Shiro let out a laugh and it seemed to put Keith a little more at ease, but he quickly became serious again. He made sure that his words weren't accusatory. He wasn't blaming Keith for what happened. It wasn't his fault. "He deserves that right. You really scared us and him especially. You should be thanking him. If it weren't for him and Red…"
He let his words drift because he couldn't seem to muster the will to say you would be dead. The thought alone made his throat tighten.
"I know." Keith's words were quieter than before as he realized that he hadn't thanked Lance at all, and guilt rose inside of him. He would have to tell him later. "But I can't go back to Red. Lance is his Paladin now."
So he had already made his choice on that matter. "That decision is yours to make, and I'm not in any position to force you to choose otherwise. But Keith, we all just want to make sure that you're happy with where you are. If you're not, then a change will have to be made. If being a part of the Blade of Marmora is hurting you, then maybe that's not where you belong. To be honest, I'm not fond of their mindset. You are not disposable Keith. This team needs you, whether you're a Paladin or not. So you can't be making reckless decisions like trying to fly into barriers."
Keith just turned his head away at those words. "If it's to save Voltron, then I'll do whatever it takes. That was the only thing I could think of at the time and if it was to happen again, I would probably do the same thing."
So the best solution, in his mind, is the one where only he gets hurt. "You told me that this is what you wanted. You wanted to join the blade and leave Voltron. Is that really what you wanted, Keith? Is there more going on up there than you aren't telling me?"
Keith's defenses seemed to fly up at the question. "I'm fine, Shiro. I'm alive. You have better things to think about than me, all right?"
"If I don't worry about you, then who will? I have to worry enough for the two of us. Stop selling yourself short. You are important. You're just as important as any of us. I don't want to lose you." The words rolled off his tongue in familiarity and a strong feeling of déjà vu rushed over him. He'd said these words before. "You mean the world to me."
For just one fleeting second, he could see himself talking to a much younger Keith with frustrated tears budding in his eyes and a scowl on his face. So many emotions filled his expression that it was impossible to decipher them all, and he could remember clearly when he gritted his teeth and shouted. "Prove it. No one wants me, and you're no different! You're just a liar like everyone else."
How had he responded to that? The memory was so quick it was like a flash and he couldn't seem to remember what he had said.
"I know." Keith's words drew his attention back and when his gaze settled on his face, he wasn't so sure he wasn't looking at the same young boy from so long ago. He had the same range of emotions, the same scowl and gritted teeth as he focused away from Shiro. He may have held back his words this time, but that "I know" meant nothing different than his words had meant back then. You're just a liar like everyone else.
"Good." He ruffled Keith's hair which earned him a grimace but at least Keith finally looked at him. "And I'll keep proving that until you see yourself the way I see you. I don't care if I have to prove it over and over; I'll do it as many times as it takes."