„What the cock is that shit?" mumbled the girl, not even thinking about sparing her red locks that were suffering tugging under her chubby fingers; nor her mood from the waves of defeat oozing from her being. "It's a critical shituation and quoting Shakespeare I'm like a beetle-headed, flap-eared knave."
"I don't know who is this Shaky guy but if Minato heard that, you would be spitting soap right now," assured Kushina, trying to reach the bed without touching any of the papers that were scattered all over the floor. In the bed lay her little cousin with raised legs propped against a wall. The five-year-old was glaring upside-down at the notes without blinking as if they offended her mortally. Not even the plate of cake in the woman's hands was able to distract the child. "You should eat something, Shiori-chan. That grumpiness of yours has to be tiring."
"I'm not hungry."
At that Kushina's jaw dropped.
"You aren't hungry?" the cake as well as rest of the world were forgotten. Kushina threw herself on the bed and began to scrutinize the girl from all sides, looking for signs of shortly impending death. "I knew we shouldn't leave you alone with that snake. What has he done to you? Has he…?"
"It has nothing to do with Orochimaru-sama and I'm not sick" hissed the smaller Uzumaki while pushing the hand away from her forehead. "I'm just frustrated, ok?"
"Frustrated? With what?"
"With that" grumbled the child giving her some paper scraps with hundreds of fuinjutsu symbols. "I'm trying to do some sort of remote life assessing seal."
"A seal? You were in that sour mood the whole last week because of some seal? Really, kiddo, you should come to me or Minato with it. We're quite good at it, you know?"
"Yeah, I know, but I also know it's impossible. There're three types of seals, given their duration. Most common seals have some chakra put in them once, then they lay dormant until are activated and used; after that they are unserviceable. Linked seals are connected to their maker's chakra. When the connection is served by distance, death or intentionally, they are dispelled. The last ones, constant seals, are launched by caster's chakra but are supported by a foreign source of power, like other people or natural energy, excellent examples are various jinchuriki seals. I know I need the second kind, but it works only on small distance, and what's more important there is an unceasing connection between the seal and the energy source; it can be found by better sensor creating a potential threat, especially in enemy territory and there is no way to get around it."
Well, the last part wasn't true, Shiori knew it. However, she couldn't do anything without months of free time, enormous capital and desire to introduce the shinobi world to satellites and space travel and that was big Hell No. She was gaining a headache thinking about normal planes, bombing and ninja paratroopers; long-range ninja-missiles were more that the reborn woman could imagine. On the other hand, inventing fuinjutsu data transmitter and placing it into orbit was an interesting project. The girl huffed and hit her own face a few times; this universe had enough violence without modern ways of killing from her old world.
Meanwhile Kushina almost hyperventilated. The last thing she wanted was Shiori identifying her furry problem. The child would be mortified, or fascinated; the woman didn't know what would be worse.
"It's true, that's why nobody uses distant assessing seals. For what exactly do you need them, dettabane?"
"It's for Minato's team." grumbled Shiori reaching for a piece of cake. The older woman breathed a sigh of relief seeing it.
"I didn't know you're worrying so much about them. Maybe you have a fever?" The kid jerked from her and glared as if wishing the woman to spontaneously combust. "Don't give me that look. It just odd for you to worry about someone, especially Rin-chan. You don't even like her."
"I can still worry. It's not like I wish her to die or something."
"I know, Shiori, and you can worry but just for your information, Minato won't let anything to happen to his precious little ducklings."
"But what when he won't be there. The moment Hatake-san is promoted, he'll be the new team seven leader and Mini-nii will be transferred to the frontlines."
Kushina sighed. It wasn't mystery that the war was at its tip, every village was exhausted and thus desperate; so was Konoha and Minato was one of the most powerful Leaf's shinobi. If not for his teaching responsibilities, he would almost never leave the combat zone.
"Kakashi is a really good ninja."
"Yes, but he is an ass and Obito is an idiot."
"Obito? Oh, it's about Obito!" A shiny smile spread, dimpling her cheeks in a way her fiancé found both cute and concerning at once. "You like him, don't cha Shiori-chan?"
The girl looked as if the muscles on her face began to strike. Everything about her was slack, even her shoulders drooped giving her eyes the ferocity of a sleepy hippo.
"I'm five and he's twelve. That's disturbing, Kushina-san." Nevertheless, the older woman could as well be deaf to her words.
"Your latest nerve-wracking and that odd animosity against Rin-chan - now it's all clear. You have your first crush. I'm so proud, dettabane! Don't worry, I'll help you! Oh, just wait until I tell Minato, he'll be so happy!"
Shiori would worry about Minato's newly discovered paternal instincts and Obito's wellbeing in the nearest future, if not for much more urgent danger of being strangled by Kushina's enormous hug.
Ω
Obito sighed. He was a good boy. He always had the impression it was one of the major flaws of his character. That's why when Shiori arrived this morning at his house and demanded repayment of debt which he apparently gained giving her an apple, that took away her tooth, he couldn't say no. The boy was most concerned about the nature of this payment. Other children often asked friendly ninja to help them train. But the little Uzumaki wasn't like other children. Shiori was lazy and hated pain so while saying that if he would come every afternoon by the next two weeks to the training grounds eleven and train, everything was going to be forgiven; his first reflex was to run and don't look back.
But here he was. Waiting.
When the head full of rose-colored locks appeared on the horizon, Obito wanted to say hello but he had enough sense to notice that the girl's smile was as merry as the one that swims rapidly toward the drowning man – having a fin at the top.
"Hello, Obi-nii!" She was way too happy; he was starting to get scared.
"Hi?"
"Ready to train?"
"Yes, but…" Obito gulped. The world around him suddenly became like a crystal clear dread - this special variation of it, that had nothing to do with fangs, darkness or ghosts, but it had all in common with two golden polls full of mirth. "Do you really want to train with me?"
"I? Train? When have I suggested something like that? You'll be sweating profusely, while I'll be watching your struggle."
"So, you will be training me?" This he could bear. It was going to be easy. Shiori was a tiny devious thing but he doubled she was versed in regular ninja stuff. At least the ones that didn't go boom.
"Don't joke, Obi. I found you an excellent teacher."
"Teacher?" Who could she frame in it? Minato sensei had a meeting with Hokage, so who…? "Wait, don't tell me its Kushina-san?"
"I'm afraid I have to disappoint you."
Gawking at the owner of the new voice Obito had to admit it was worse. The boy sweat dropped.
"Hell- I mean hello, Orochimaru-sama."
The young Uchiha heard many disturbing rumors about the man in front of him; he even met him a few times, mostly in the company of sensei's sensei. Each of this meetings ended the same - the boy came out with a vague but nagging impression that he barely managed to escape alive.
"Orochimaru-sama, you came!" The girl bounced and leached to the man's leg with a big, adoring smile. And what was even more horrifying, he patted her head.
Obito's brain halted. Never in his life he would believe that the snake sannin would be pleasant to anyone or that someone might adore him so much to actually hug him and later still have all hands.
"Of course, I promised haven't I?" then he moved his unnaturally yellow eyes on the gaping chunin. "I must admit that I expected someone else, but well. No-one sensible would ever tell he understood women. Obito-kun, if I'm going to train you, first you need to run."
That Obito could do. Truth be told he wanted nothing more. The only unforeseen thing was the weight of the five-year-old girl that he was suddenly holding, and a cloud of smoke from which emerged a fifteen- foot-long snake. It looked angry and hungry – never a good combination.
Contrary to his pet, Orochimaru was absolutely calm and slightly amused. Obito had the impression that the sannin was reading his thoughts.
"You two really should run. Fast."
The teenager barely had time to turn around when the snake's fangs cut through the boy's blouse in an enthusiastic attempt to rip out his guts. After a childish shriek (it was only Shiori, there was no way he would scream like little girl), his legs started to move, not waiting for his brain and its obvious and slow commands.
Meanwhile Orochimaru chuckled. It wasn't an ill intended snicker nor a villainous laugh. It was more akin to a giggle. Apart from the children who now were only a vanishing point on the horizon, responsible for that giggle was the memory of this morning.
Ω
"I have proposition."
Orochimaru's yellow eyes lingered over the child's hard as nails expression. Shiori was the only person capable to such appearance while chewing a bunch of sweet dumplings.
"Proposition?"
The girl swallowed while nodding, what resulted in the bite falling to the wrong hole and she started choking. A blond woman walking next to their bench sliced him with angry gaze. Even her golden locks shining in the morning sun couldn't get rid of the sensation of disdain for the incompetent parent figure, radiating from her. Not that Orochimaru gave a fuck about that.
"More like a deal. You'll help me and I'll give you means for quicker and easier experiments."
"Oh, and where's the catch?" One slim brow went up.
"You'll need to train someone."
The man rolled his eyes. Lately Sarutobi sensei also bitched about handing on his knowledge for a well-being of future generations. It's good that from time to time there was a little redhead running around him.
He could tell Shiori the same thing he told Hokage.
"I already have a student."
"You have?" the girl was clearly puzzled.
Orochimaru ate a dumpling.
"I have you. That's more than enough."
"But it's a reaaally good deal. I have few brilliant ideas about genetics and Minato's student isn't completely incompetent. He has potential to be a true kickass."
"Child, you'll end telling me your brilliant ideas one way or another. You are too greedy for compliments and want my approval." Shiori wanted to protest upon hearing it but the sannin wasn't done. "More interesting is the reason why you're melding into Namikaze's team? What are you shaming this time?"
"I'm not shaming!" The girl puffed up her cheeks, giving herself the appearance of a frustrated hamster; however, one yellow and doubting stare later she gave up, looking even more frustrated.
"I'm worrying about him because…" her face went from slightly pink, reddish to completely crimson. Her next words sounded like the greatest blasphemy. "I have a crush."
Orochimaru's jaw slacked; then he blinked, looked straight ahead and addressed an empty space.
"You. Have. A crush?" He didn't look convinced.
"What? You think I would admit to something like that if it wasn't true? What could possibly be worse, for me to want and cover it up with something so, so stupid like a crush?! It's embarrassing, ok?"
The man didn't know what he should say next. He had a vague impression that if he would further upset the girl, she would explode not unlike a volcano. Orochimaru ate the last dumpling. He supposed there were worse prospects than Sakumo's son.
Ω
"She's gaining on us, Obi-nii!"
"Something without legs shouldn't be this fast!"
"Then maybe you'll stop and suggest her that!"
"No thank you, and besides how the heck do you know it's a she?!"
"I don't know, it just has that expression on the mug, it's kinda remind me of pissed Kushina."
"Oh my god! We're so dead."
Such conversations were heard by birds, ninjas and few cats that decided to nap in the afternoon sun on Konoha's roofs. Shiori was sitting on Obito's back commenting the serpent's progress, at the same time trying not to vomit.
"If we want to lose her, we should run somewhere that smells. Snakes have very sensitive sense of smell. Thanks to it they hunt their victims."
"I got it, Shi-chan."
The boy took them to the industrial area on the outskirts of the village that besides of workshops was full of textile mills and abattoirs. Jumping over one of them Shiori had a gastric crisis. With plump fingers she clutched her mouth shut, stopping the rising waves of acid.
It was a very bad idea.
Note to all – never, no matter what condition, let go of the person you're sitting on while flying twenty foots over the ground, because even in the world of manga gravitation is something more than simple suggestion, at least most of the time. This time for sure, because the girl fell.
Shiori fell and landed on something soft - well, softer than pavement; something that said "moo-o-y-y-y-o-r-m". The redhead bounced off it and fell on something smaller, what did "squeak", then she rolled down further on something even smaller, and apparently made from feathers, what began to peck her.
Hooves trampled her hands; very large and wet noses breathed on her neck while Obito was still gone. On the other hand, also the female, bloodthirsty snake was absent.
The reborn woman hadn't had much experience with animals in her life (no matter which one), unless they were served on a plate. When she was little the first time, she had a pink plush toy of Porky from Loony Tunes. She read some books about farms for her nephew and younger cousins – they had pictures. Nowhere were there mentioned scorching, reeking breaths. Cows, according to those books should do "Moo." Every child knew that. They shouldn't make noises similar to a sea monster, and spray saliva like some machine gun.
Shiori stood up trying to avoid getting even more dirt and other unspeakable things on herself and move away as far as possible from the hen which had previously been greatly offended by her falling ass. So the girl backed away from the glaring chicken but stopped when something poked her in the back. It was a pig. But not a small cute pig like Babe, Piglet from Winnie the Pooh or even her Porky. This pig was the size of a donkey. This pig had tusks. And was not pink. Its sharp coat was black with a hint of red. This pig gave the impression of one that beheaded hounds, ripped out horse's guts and ate a hunter.
The little Uzumaki was scared, sore, dirty and began to feel hungry; as if that wasn't enough Orochimaru's summon just fell in the midst of other animals bringing total chaos. The pig-monster lowered the head. It didn't have enough space to charge, but it could still push. When the animals crowded around and frightened began to break through the fence, Shiori chose the only possible way out with a single word on her lips that could illustrate her situation.
"Fuck."
Ω
Obito panicked. Being chased by an enormous nin-snake was one thing, but loosing Shiori was far more terrifying. She was so tiny, the reptile could swallow her and not even noticing. Where could she be?
Exactly then the earth trembled; from the end of the street came a roar. It was a horde of animals and it was heading in his direction.
Ω
Kakashi was buying offal for his dogs when he smelled the upcoming animals and their fear. Few seconds later he felt the ground shaking and heard the noise. People ran away. Then he saw the river of running animals and something else. Something large and muddy, what was approaching in treacherously slow pace. From the distance it looked like a very fat centaur, half man, half ... Actually, as Kakashi realized when the creature was closer, half Shiori half hog.
The girl was crying, and some parts of her apparition suggested that recently she was close to the ground, the heavily fertilized one. When a massive pig trotted beside him the child shouted.
"I'm afraid to go down! Help me, Hatake-san, please!"
"What the fuck?!" Shouted Obito, who just jumped from the roof. "Don't stand there, Kakashi. We need to do something!"
The silver haired boy always knew that his teammate was prone to troubles but that was new even for him.
"Don't cry, Shi-chan. We'll help you." Yelled Obito.
"How you get there?" Asked Kakashi while they ran alongside the moving animals.
"It was the easy part! I grabbed it by the ears, and instantly after that I was here! Now stop asking stupid questions and do something!"
"Hold on!"
"And what else can I do?!"
Even ninja parted before the pig. Half a ton of breeding hog didn't encounter traffic problems, at least not for long. However, two chunins exchanged several hand-signs and took action.
The air was filled with flying kunais. A trained eye might notice that attached to them were ninja wires, cutting off some of side roads of escape. Then Obito was climbing down from one wire and grabbed her. It would work if the child wasn't holding so tightly to the pig; instead, they both ended up on the creature.
Shiori wanted to cry even more if it was possible, they were going to die here, when she felt a tug and the next moment her world turned upside down and she was sick again. That stupid boy threw her! What was she, a freaking ball? Sure, Kakashi caught her and the reborn, filthy and very green-faced woman returned the favor vomiting on him.
When Orochimaru found them his eyes encountered the sight of running around animals and pursuing them Uchiha policemen. One of them was noting down Obito's explanations, trying not to lose his pencil to the boy's spontaneous gesticulation. Meanwhile the little redhead hung upside down, because Kakashi attempted to bang the pavement with her forehead, although Shiori was using this position, squeezing the boy's knees and trying to stick her teeth in his left ankle.
That was his new life. The sannin didn't know if he should cry or laugh. He did none, but in this particular moment in history it was clear he spent too much time with the odd child.
Orochimaru face-palmed.
Okay, here is the next chapter ^^ I hope you're enjoying my story even a tenth as much as I writing it.
Also usual thanks for my outstanding beta - mrsmiawallace88 :)