Here you go my peeps. Short and shitty but hey. Its whump.
Prompt: Guest: Loved it! :-) A prompt - cop, former Ranger and general badass Jay has a terrible phobia of needles.
Jay's P.O.V.
It had started out as it does for more people. As a baby, getting poked with needles carrying much needed vaccination, all you knew was the shiny thing meant pain. And seeing how young you were, it was literally the worst pain of your life so far. And that fear of pain manifested itself in your subconscious, until either you grow out of it, or it stays with you. The latter means that you find yourself sitting in the doctor's office as a teen, unable to explain why your heart is racing and your sweating and shaking with adrenaline because while your body's experienced worse pain, your mind says you haven't and that the needle is the worst possible pain there is.
Which anyone who's stepped on a lego or banged their hip on a sharp edge knows for a fact that the pinch is not that painful. Your sore arm complains for the next week or so, but that's about it.
Really, it's not that bad. Yet people are terrified of it.
I wasn't. I was one of the former, the guy who snapped the bones in his arm into pieces when he was six because he decided to jump off a swing at full height. While Will was having a mental breakdown because he was supposed to be watching me, I was having a fine time being in shock. He just about threatened to sit on me if I tried poking the bone again. It wasn't until we got to the hospital and the shock faded right as they pulled on my hand and set the bone.
Lets just say that after that, Needles conjured up the same pain and fear a mosquito bite did.
And then I became a Ranger and was listed under infantry. I learned hypervigilance as a lifestyle, not as a condition of one mission or assignment. I learned how to see differences in shadows, and then, unlike my first teammates, I learned how to move in them. I learned about the difference between instant kills and slow fading ones. I discovered what it meant to be in between, and death rattles were common knowledge. I knew that good and bad, wrong and right, had no place in someone trained to point and shoot, listen and follow orders.
I moved. We did a joint task with the Seals, and their commander asked mine if I might join them a little longer. We did an op with JTF2, Canadas elite special ops. I knew they were scouting me, and had I not been kidnapped, I probably would have gone through with whatever offer they gave me.
We were set up, and suddenly one soldier was dead because of his best friends bullet, and we were being attacked from all sides. I was running next to a still burning humvee when it exploded. I remember being thrown, the weird second of extreme clarity where I literally watched the world do a three sixty without being alarmed, and then I woke up in a hospital.
They told me it had only been a few days. Not even forty eight hours that they had me. They said it was common with severe trauma like this, that I might never regain my memories. No prolonged damage, the scars would fade in a few years.
I woke up thinking it was shrapnel they pulled out of my stomach. I was released and met the team that found me. They became my permanent situation, and it wasn't until four months later, when I made a comment about it around the fire and it went quiet, that I knew something was up. They didn't pull anything out of my stomach. They were just fixing the damage done.
Apparently, they wasted no time in torturing me. The team found me drugged up to my eyeballs, unresponsive and stripped to the waist, marks on my abdomen. They found needles, with burnt flesh stuck to them, next to a smoldering fire. Two plus two is four.
Eleven years later, I still don't remember what happened there. Sometimes I'll wake up from nightmares, shaking and half terrified, but I can never remember what happens. It's always stood out because I know my nightmares. I always remember them.
Still. None of this would have been a big problem, despite the department mandatory trips to the doctor. Even those I normally got around pretty easy. I avoided flu vaccinations, and tetanus shots were always quick and done by an old friend, who came back home to be a doctor who focused mainly on helping veterans get through the doctors visits.
Every time he'd ask me if I wanted to talk. Every time I'd tell him that if I could, I would. How are you supposed to work through a fear if you can't remember how you got it?
When Will came back, he took over the job. And he never asked questions.
I got by with the debilitating fear of needles, unnoticed, and unimportant. Thinking of them gave me the heebie jeebies, but it wasn't until I actually saw one did I feel like passing out. There moment went few and far between, I didn't even think about it when I joined the team, so naturally, it went unnoticed.
Until the department noticed I hadn't gotten my mandatory tetanus and told Voight about it, instead of telling me. Which meant I wasn't prepared for it, and therefore hadn't gone through the week of mental freaking out and/or scheduled it with Will.
I wasn't ready. And wasn't that a mistake.
Als P.O.V.
"It's not going to take long. You can't keep putting this off, your physical is due tomorrow or you're off the job until you turn it in." I watch with piqued interest as Jay looks suddenly nervous. And pale.
"I-I gave you my eval." Voight nods, seated behind his desk with his hands easily folded over his stomach.
"You did...but not one that includes proof you're up to date on your shots." Jay swallows, then smiles weakly.
"Does it really matter if I'm up on my tetanus or not?" I narrow my eyes in suspicion. Jay doesn't forget these things. He wouldn't dispute this if something wasn't behind it. Hank just shrugs.
"I don't make the rules. Proof on the commander's desk by tomorrow or you're on forced unpaid leave." Halstead seems to weigh his options, and I can see he's actually struggling with the ultimatum.
"C'mon. I'll take you to Med, we can get it over with right now." Pushing from my chair, I dump the trash from lunch into Hank's office bin. Jay starts, like he didn't account for me being in the room.
"Right...right now?" His voice is slightly higher, filled with tension and...fear?
Ah. He's afraid of needles. And isn't that a thought, seeing as he went through war and is shot at on a daily basis for his job. It's not a minor fear either, or he wouldn't wait until the day before his physical due to dispute it. Which would raise the question- what exactly gave him such a reason to be afraid of them?
"Yeah, why not? We'll see if Will's on shift." I put a hand on his shoulder, pushing him out of the office and through the bullpen, ignoring his sputtered protests. We get all the way to the car before he goes quiet.
"Jay."
He doesn't respond, instead choosing to continue staring at his shaking hand that are running up and down his thighs. As they have been since I started driving. I sigh, knowing he's probably really embarrassed about this, but at this point he should know I'm not going to judge him.
"Kid. It's okay to be afraid of them."
"I'm not!" He snaps back to quickly. I shoot him a look and he sighs.
"Okay I am but that's not...I just...I kinda grew out of it as a kid but then over seas I...there was…" Instantly my heart drops. So he definitely has a legitimate reason, if his brain associates them with something horrid from his time in the Rangers. I was selfishly hoping he'd dismiss the theory instead of confirming it.
"Hey you don't have to-" I start, picturing a thousand scenarios, each worse than the last and all of them possible. None of which I want to drag from him.
"No, no it's okay. I'm...it's kinda of embarrassing…" I almost stop the car, just to make a point in telling him that no fear developed from what he did in Afghanistan is something to be ashamed of and that yes, it's okay to actually be afraid of things, even if it's irrational. I once met a guy from Canada who was the leader of an elite police squad, who had disarmed bombs and been shot at and all this fun stuff but if there was cat within two miles of him he had a mental breakdown. Irrational fears are grossly misunderstood, but for some people, they can cause real problems. Unfortunately before I can make this point to him, he must recognize how that would sound because he quickly rushes to finish.
"It didn't happen to me! It didn't...well it did but...it wasn't...fuck this is impossible." He ends with a grumble, scrubbing a hand over his face and taking a deep breath. "Okay it...it did but I don't remember what happened. Anyway they never really bothered me until…." Jay trails off again, a glance at his facial expression tells me he's thinking really hard about how to explain this.
"I knew a guy, an amazing sniper...he was...taken… I was part of the operation that rescued him and they had taken needles and heated them to be red hot...then proceeded to drive them into his stomach. I didn't see anything but the pictures and I heard the story and it just...I don't know." He trails off, quiet and open.
"Doesn't change the fact that this is still hard for you." He shifts, eyes flitting across the outside surroundings, taking in the Hospital parking signs.
"Yeah." His voice shakes. I don't call him for it. Nor do I make a point to ask about what happened to him. I don't know if I have the guts to, because either he does remember, and made up that story as a way of telling me what happened to him, or what ever happened was so traumatic his brain has been actively suppressing the memory for over ten years.
Will meets us as we walk in, takes one look at his brother, and turns to Maggie who pages Rhodes before the doctor can even complete the request.
"Why can't you do it?" Jay whines, although if we're being honest it's more of a nervous plea. The kid looks pale and shaky, like he was in the car. Will just grabs one of Jay's arms and tugs him across the ED. I drift behind him, still amused at how easily Will can read his brother.
"Because I have other patients to help and with them it won't be a conflict of interest."
"Will-"
"Hospital policy Jay, I'm not allowed to work on family. Rhodes is good, he'll be quick about." Jay is towed into a room, and I follow, quiet as ever, standing just inside the door.
"Sit."
"But-" Will whips around, glaring at his brother with an intensity that makes my eyebrows raise.
"Sit."
He sits.
The doctor leaves, throwing the curtain up as he does. There's a quiet conversation outside the room, but I'm more focused on Jay, whose breathing has increased in pace and shallowness, prompting me to move closer
"Hey, it'll be over really fast." This, unfortunately, is out of my area of expertise. Talking to him sure...maybe. I'm more at ease with Jay than I am with most other people but I still feel ridiculously awkward and inexperienced when it comes to comforting and calming.
A resident enters right then, and gently ushers me to the side. I immediately notice the way she's moving, the almost bored look on her face. It screams out arrogance, and I would put money down on the fact that she's a first year who thinks she knows everything. She takes Jay's arm without so a much a syllable, and it's angering how condescending she looks, like she has better things to do than giving a cop a shot.
The side of Halstead arm is swiped with a small square of antiseptic, then she picked up a needle, already filled with liquid and looking mean as hell. I tense as Jay shies away on almost an instinct. This gives the nurse a pause. Unfortunately for Jay, who is now whiter than a sheet, she pauses with the needle in one hand and his arm in the other.
"You nervous?" She asks, something like surprise in her voice...and something like contempt. Anger floods through me, chased by worry because yeah lady, he's shaking like a leaf and just about grey. He's fucking nervous. It takes considerable effort not make a comment, although at first I assume it's for the best.
And I am so wrong.
Jay barely manages a nod, mouth open to say something but she cuts him off.
"A big macho guy like you?" She rolls her eyes. "Grow a pair." And with that she plunges the needle into his arm.
Jay then proceeds to have a mental break down. He stares at the thing for a second, a time at which I watch all color bleed from his face way too damn fast. At first I think he's going to pass out and make a step towards the hyperventilating man. As she slowly pushes the plunger (because of course she couldn't even be nice enough to do it quick) Jay jerks away from her with a desperate sound, halfway between a yell and a sob. The act breaks the needle clean off the barrel, and blood instantly starts running down his arm.
The blood isn't my main problem.
Jay screams at the protruding metal, scrambling off the bed and ripping the thing from his arm. The sound reverberates in the room, echoing in my ears and sending my heart racing with worry fueled adrenaline. I'm lunging for him, taking two giant steps to catch him right as his legs give out. With blood spurting from the hole he created, I do some weird maneuver thing that allows me to avoid touching the injured arm while our combined momentum brings us to the ground. I'm left on my knees with his body splayed half on my lap, half on the floor, blood gushing from his arm and eyes staring wider than I thought possible at the ceiling while he heaves for breath.
And that's exactly how Rhodes found us, bursting into the room with Maggie and a seasoned nurse.
"What the hell happened?!" He yells as he slides next to me, pressing two fingers to Jay's neck.
"You damn trainee doesn't have bedside manner!" I snap back, gathering Jay up in my arms as Rhodes latches onto his legs. Without an official confirmation of action, we lift him from the floor to the hospital bed.
"I did my job!" The girl spits at me while Rhodes wraps my hands around the bleeding part of his arm.
"Maybe if you just listened when he said he was nervous-" I snap.
"Maybe if he wasn't such a damn drama queen-" She hisses back, standing on the other side of the room held back by Maggie.
"Hey!" I yell, my voice dropping as it always does when I get angry. "He served in Afghanistan and saw a thing or two so maybe he had a fucking reason to be afraid of needles!"
"Has he responded to you?" I turn my attention from the scoffing bitch in the corner to Conner, who's flashing a light into Jay's eyes. I watch the pupils contract, but sluggishly, and his eyes look clouded, void of the spark they normally hold.
"Aside from him screaming when she broke a needle off in his arm, no."
"WHAT?!" Rhodes eyes widen as he yells, then snaps his head around to glare at the other doctor.
"You gave him the shot?!" She nods, looking for the first time, a little unsure of herself. Rhodes growls a string of curses then turns back to look at the amount of blood seeping through my hands. "Maggie get her out of here!"
"Alright keep pressure." To the nurse he directs some form of medication to be pushed through an I.V. she set up. Goodwin appears at the doorway, says something to Maggie who then grabs the female doctors arm and drags her from the room.
"Jay? Can you hear me?" Connor peels my fingers from his arm, taking over pressure while concentrating on his patient's face. I step back but don't leave, instead watching as Halstead eyes flutter for a few seconds before they slip closed. Panic grips my heart in a fist at the loss of consciousness.
"Is he-"
"It's okay." The younger man is quick to reassure. "He hasn't lost that much blood and his bp is fine...he'll be okay. We didn't give him anything to make him sleep, he did that on his own. He'll probably be awake in a few minutes." The nurse leaves under orders, and returns with a small tray in her hands that she places behind the doctor before moving to adjust and attach leads to Jay. I swallow, shock hitting me at the rapid turn of events.
"Was it deep?"
"Sorta...kinda. It is, but not so deep I'll have to open him up to fix it. Will warned me that he was pretty afraid of needles but I didn't think…" The doctor trails off, shaking his head and grabbing a clamp from the tray of tools.
"Has he ever reacted like this before?"
"Not that I'm…" I check myself, remembering the conversation from the car that clearly had another side to it. "Not around me, no." Rhodes just nods, concentrating on the hooked needle he was carefully marching across Jay's skin. A tense quiet reins, and I contemplate leaving to wash the blood from my hands. However if, Jay woke up while I wasn't here…
"That girl…"
"Was in irresponsible first year visiting from another hospital who thinks shes god. Trust me you won't see her in this hospital again."
True to his word, Jay moans as Rhodes extracts the clamp from his arm, bringing a tiny piece of metal with it that must've been the bevel part of the needle having chipped off as Halstead pulled it out. I'm at his side in an instant, gently pressing his shoulders to the bed as he unconsciously tries to squirm his way away from the pain.
"Easy, easy kid. You're alright." I murmur, and he stills at the familiar voice, although his head still lolls to the side, eyes moving beneath closed lids. Rhodes finishes a few minutes later just as he peels them open, blinking hazy orbs floating around the room. He doesn't flinch as Connor flicks a penlight in his eyes again, and it takes a couple tries before he responds to the attendings questions.
"Wha h'ppen'd?"
"What do you remember?" He blinks a few times, still fighting sleep.
"Fear." He whispers, slowly coming back to himself. "The shot, did it- I don't have to do it again do I?" Connor rolls his eyes and I sigh, worry abated slightly by his return to a semi normal state.
"No, you don't have to do it again. At least, not today." I watch as his body deflates, and a huge grin crosses his face.
"Awesome." He moves to sit up, and what little color that had returned to his skin disappears in a hurry.
"Oh." He croaks, looking ready to hurl. Both Rhodes and I help him lie back down where he glares distastefully and (maybe gets a little agitate) at the tape covering his I.V.
"Try not to think about." I'm subject to a exhausted glare, that's quickly transferred to his doctor who goes about checking the vitals displayed on the surrounding machines.
"You're not really admitting me are you?"
"Seeing as you almost just passed out again and are coming out of shock because of a needle...I'd like to. Your blood pressure is normal, but your heart rate is high. That said, you're conscious and lucid, and are responding well to fluids. I'm going to keep you for a couple hours at least."
"Come on Rhodes-"
"You want to tell Dr. Charles what happened?!" The doctor hisses, suddenly showing what must have been a nightmare's worth of fear and anger at seeing his friends brother lying bleeding and near catatonic on the ground. Halstead shrinks back, eyes wide.
"Because either you stay here for a few hours and fill out some paperwork saying it was an accident, or I admit you for observation. And if that happens I need a legitimate reason to hold you, which I currently have. You'd be put in for a psych eval, you want that?"
Jay shakes his head rapidly, eyes still wide to match my raised eyebrows, both reactions out of shock.
"Stay here and behave. I have to go figure this shit out." And with that grumble he slips from the room. For a few minutes we just sit and breath, Jay relaxing more a I shed my jacket and intentionally cover his hand with it, the one with the I.V. needle in it.
"So how'd you do this before?" I break the silence and Jay sighs, looking like he doesn't really know the answer to that question.
"I don't know." His voice is rough, like he's trying to hold back emotion. "Normally I'd be able to just...I'd close my eyes and think about some other time when I felt more pain or more fear. It always helped that I'd have time to prepare I guess. I'd set reminders on my phone or write it on the calendar and the days leading up I'd…" He smiles sheepishly.
"I used to do these yoga things. You're supposed to breath in a certain pattern while watching or listening to something that calms you down and it supposedly tricks your brain into being calmer. I thought it was the stupidest thing until I tried it...must've watched that fucking penguin documentary a thousand times by now…" We both start laughing, me from the image of Jay watching penguins waddle across a screen while he does breathing exercises.
Will bursts into the room at the same time, worry and fear abating to be covered by anger the second he see's his brothers okay. It doesn't stop him from fussing over his younger sibling though. Once again I am able to watch amused as the brother dynamic of their relationship comes out full swing.
"Will I'm alright I just want to get out of here!" At the snappy response the elder Halstead finally steps back, huffing a breath through his nose.
"Fine. But you have a hell of a lot of paperwork to do before you go anywhere, and you aren't starting on it till you heart stops beating a million miles per minute."
"Then take out the damn I.V. because you know full well I won't calm down till it's no longer stuck in my skin." Will just blinks, not moving an inch.
"Will… " Jay growls.
"Fine. But if your vital start dropping or I see even the tiniest sign of distress coming from you, I'm admitting you over night and I'll sedate you to do it. Capache?" Jay nods, eager as all hell. I move my jacket and he looks at the other side of the room as Will gently removes the large piece of metal.
Within minutes of the needle being put away, Jay's visible calmer, color back to his cheeks, heart monitor reading normal output. The kid is all nice and giddy, like he expects to just jump out of bed and be fine.
Then Will slaps a thick stack of paper onto his bedside table and the smile falls from his face.
I sigh, gathering my things with a quick word to Will that confirm he'll bring our younger charge home. Jay pouts, and I know full well if I were to stay he'd be annoying me to no end. Fortunately, he doesn't know I'm about to go have a serious talk with Voight about this little incident.
"And kid." I stop at the door. "Please, please, for the love of god or at least for the sake of my health, next time you tell me you have a debilitating fear of something, do me a favor and elaborate on how bad it is before you go an have a severe reaction to it, okay?"
Haha that was shit but it happened. I really didn't have a ton of ideas on how to make this interesting, the prompt was pretty straight forward and I wasn't making this a huge thing soooo…
Hope you liked it anyway! Review and leave me a prompt if you like!
Thank you thank you thank youuuuuuu!