Greetings my loyal readers! I apologize that it's taken 4 weeks for an update but it's been a very busy August! I read the first half of the Cursed Child and I'm not too thrilled with the story. It has a good plot but I wish they had taken the time to convert the screenplay into prose. I also think that A Very Potter Musical is a much better, happier adaptation of HP and recommend that over the CC. As always, I look forward to reading your feedback and comments and am so humbled to have this story to share with you. Happy reading!
"This story I'm about to tell you involves events from long ago. But they're all true. Of course, you could say the same thing about Crumple-Horned Snorkacks, and most of you would scoff. But take what you will from what I'm about to tell you. It is time-honored wizarding folklore, and it plays a major part in the whole reason my subject is taught at Hogwarts."
"You'll be telling us about the Dark Arts?" Lily asked aloud without raising her hand. I looked at her in surprise. Lily wasn't usually one to blurt out things.
"Yes." Mara said. "And more importantly, I'll tell you their history and how it concerns the threats we face today. Look in today's Daily Prophet. Think about last year. Disappearances. Murders. Violence. Most of it in our world is done in accordance with the Dark Arts. Part of your education is know the structure and the why's and how's of magic."
A sudden breeze flickered the candles in the chandelier, followed by a soft keening noise. Several students looked around in alarm. How was there a breeze, when the windows were all firmly sealed and closed?
Mara's dark eyes glinted eerily. "If anyone feels like they need to leave at any time during my lesson, then you may go. However, I strongly advise you to remain in order to make the most of what you are about to learn."
I noticed Peter start to get up, but James and Sirius pulled him back down and flank him like a pair of parent birds with their chick. Peter looked extremely nervous. Mara ignored his obvious discomfort and drew out her wand, giving it a casual flick. A tiny spark of orange appeared in front of her, floating in the air.
"The Dark Arts have always existed." She began, and the orange spot was joined by a bright blue one. They bounced up and down in harmony, mimicking each other, drawn together like magnets. "Evil is a byproduct of good. In this way, the Dark Arts are the same. They exist with Good Magic, like counterparts of the same whole. The Dark Arts themselves is not evil by definition. However… Dark magic is most often used for evil, and not good. It is any type of magic that is used to harm, control, or even death to the victim. They span many labels and types of magic, including Potions, spells, and creatures."
As she spoke, the dots burst and multiplied into hundreds of tiny star-like specks of reddish-orange light. The blue speck remained singular, while the swarm of fire-colored lights formed into various forms of books, spell names, potions, and creatures. The spots were forming a sort of movie, their script created by Mara's words. I watched, transfixed, with the rest of the class as she continued, the dots ever-changing and life-like.
"Dark Arts are considered 'dark' for a reason. They do not operate in ways that good magic does. Those who practice the Dark Arts, especially for prolonged periods of time, will become corrupted and assimilated by them. And the Dark Arts are not as simple as one might believe. They are ever-changing, always shifting in a new and more sinister way to overcome their enemy. Think of cutting off the head of a dragon. Each time one head is severed, another two grow in its place. And so on it goes.
"Malicious intent is required for the Dark spells. Even when casting the Imperius Curse, you must really mean to seek to do harm and wrongdoing to the victim. Have you ever wondered how someone may suffer under the Imperius Curse? It is not about inflicting pain, but imposing your will over the life of another. In this way, overpowering someone else's life with the force of your own makes the Imperius Curse absolutely Unforgivable."
The orange dots moved. The blue ones multiplied, creating the images of two men in two different colors. The image of a man casting the Imperius Curse appeared before our eyes. I shivered as an chill raced across my flesh, as if winter had breathed its air upon me. But no one was paying any attention to anyone except Mara.
"In addition to those who dare to practice the Dark Arts, one must realize how difficult they are to control. Trying to control them is like trying to control a Basilisk. Though they may show some form of deference and subordination, they always have a mind and will of their own."
Instantly, I remembered seeing the giant snake hissing ominously at Folsom, down in the freezing bowels of the castle. I shivered harder, the spots of light dancing before Mara and her class making me dizzy.
"Injuries inflicted by the Dark Arts are difficult, sometimes impossible, to treat and cure. For example, when bitten by a basilisk, the injury can only be healed by Phoenix tears, which as you well know, are incredibly rare. If you are struck by the Cruciatus Curse, only the caster can relinquish the pain, if they ever do. The Killing Curse is unavoidable, and will always result in death by murder. And as you all know, murder is the supreme act of evil. Killing tears apart what lives inside of you, what makes you human. This is how the Dark Arts can rip apart your soul, by committing the worst acts against the laws of nature.
"It is my job this year to teach you how to defend yourselves from the constant threat of the Dark Arts. Even though they are not evil by definition and can sometimes (but rarely) be used for good, we live in a world where people are selfish and cruel and seek power. We also live in a time when evil is on the rise and the followers of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named heavily practice the Dark Arts. I can teach you spells and Charms, antidotes and theories. I can teach you how to recognize a Dark creature and the defenses to use against it. However, I cannot defend you from yourselves. Yes, I am speaking of your own volitions and your own weaknesses. Many of you in this room seek glory, power, or protection. And some of you will be tempted to practice the Dark Arts for your own benefit."
There was a quiet collective gasp of horror and disbelief from my classmates. I glanced around, spotting Peter clutching at James and Sirius like a lifeline. He looked a little green and as if he might be sick.
I closed my eyes, a dull pounding beginning to intensify into a steady splitting in my skull. I wished Remus was here. His very presence was always a balm of comfort to me, and right now, I was feeling like I would be the one to be sick. Not Peter.
"Your only true defense against the temptation to practice or follow the Dark Arts is love." Mara said gravely. "Not the schoolyard puppy love that many of you are familiar with. No… I am speaking of real love, that entails sacrifice, kindness, mercy, grace, and humility. I can do my best to ensure you are properly armed and versed in combat, but your only real hope is found in your ability to love. And to listen to me.
"Now, if you have any questions about anything I have just said, you may raise your hand."
I saw a flurry of hands immediately shoot into the air. Mara called upon someone, but I wasn't hearing them anymore. I closed my eyes as a powerful chill surged over me, as if I had been dunked into the churning, cold waters of the ocean. Goosebumps erupted across my flesh, and I clenched my fists into my palms. I could feel my bitten nails digging into my flesh. I tried to focus on my breathing, but I was finding it hard to focus on anything but the sensation of falling head-over-heels in a freefall. It felt as if I had been pitched out of the sky and was somersaulting hopelessly toward the dark, turbulent water far below.
Why do I feel this way? I thought hopelessly, focusing very hard on not vomiting. Why do I feel like I'm about to die?
The necklace twitched on my chest, and I saw it again: the scene Julian had brought to me with his ghostly touch down in the green-black cavern beneath the school. Again, the mention of 'Lord Voldemort' (I shuddered to think of the name) and 'The Master'...
My eyes popped open. I raised my shaking hand, not even aware of the fact that Mara was in the midst of answering someone else's question. Her dark eyes connected with mine, her expression half-expectant, half-concerned.
"...Yes, Miss Harkstone?" She inquired after she finished answering someone else's question.
I swallowed against the dryness in my mouth and throat. "Professor, do you know of anyone named 'The Master'?"
The entire class had fallen silent again. I knew James, Sirius, and Peter were staring at me. They were the only ones aside from Remus who I had confided in. Mara frowned, her lovely face filled with befuddlement.
"Well… there are two examples I can think of. The first is 'Death'. Death, in most areas of Dark Magic, is considered the True Master over the Dark Arts, even though it's not inherently evil, as I've said. In addition, it seems silly to give 'Death' a solid, tangible form, but again, this is folklore and guesswork.
"The second has even less credibility. But by chance, who in this room has heard the Tales of Beedle the Bard?"
Nearly every hand went up, with the exception of five students, who were most likely Muggle-raised.
"Well, in the Tales of Beedle the Bard, there is a story about three brothers. They each cheated Death when they were supposed to drown in a river, but since they were magical, they conjured a bridge with their wands to cross. Death was cunning and pretended to be impressed. He gave each of the brothers a reward for besting him. A wand for the eldest brother, a stone for the middle, and a cloak for the youngest. Legend says that the wielder of all three Hallows is the 'Master' of Death. Then again, that could just as easily mean that the true 'Master' is really Death himself, since the objects are merely mythical. And as I've just said, Death doesn't have a true form. So I can't really give you a direct answer for your question."
I had thought asking a question would have distracted me from my tornado of roiling emotions and sensations. To my dismay, at her words, I felt sicker than ever. Nodding once, I rose to my feet and hurried out of the room. The spinning intensified, and I barely made it into the girls' lavatories to bend over the toilet and retch.
When it was over, the nausea was gone, but I felt as if I had just missed several steps going down a flight of stairs. Trembling, I sat with my legs hugged to my chest, damp forehead pressed against my knees while the awful sensations slowed.
What had happened? Was I coming down with a bout of illness? Or was I really infected with dragon pox after all?
I heard someone enter the lavatories and wasn't surprised when Lily dropped to her knees a moment later outside my stall, her long curtain of dark red hair touching the floor. Her green eyes pierced me, and I gave a wan smile.
Lily crawled underneath the space between the stall door and the floor and sat across from me. It was cramped, but it was comforting to have her presence with me.
"What's going on?" She asked.
I sighed, rubbing my temples. "I'm not sure. I haven't felt right in awhile. I think it's just stress."
Lily bit her lip. "Are you… pregnant?"
I gasped. Lily's face turned pink, but she crossed her arms defiantly.
"What?" She demanded. "I know you and Remus love each other, and I don't know if you two are sneaking around, doing this or that…"
"I'm not pregnant!" I retorted hotly, pain temporarily forgotten in the hot wake of embarrassed rage. "I'm a virgin, thank you very much! And I plan on remaining one until I am married! I can't believe you'd even ask me something like that!"
Lily narrowed her eyes, sweeping her hair behind her ears in a dignified way. "I was only asking. I just wish you'd feel like you could be more honest and open with me."
I glared at her, torn between anger and gratitude. I tugged at the necklace absently, strangely comforted by the motion. I could feel Lily observing me and stopped.
Her lips thinned into a flat line of disapproval. "You're always wearing that thing."
I lifted a brow. "And?"
Lily reached forward. I almost drew back, but let her examine it. It was a simple pendant on a thin gold chain, the stones (which I knew to be Harkenine stones, not true opals) glimmering like a trapped rainbow. It was tiny, the size of a dime, and Lily let it drop back against my chest after a few silent moments of scrutiny.
She leaned back, took a deep breath, and said, "I think that necklace might be a Dark object."
I stared at her, sure I'd heard wrong. Of all the things she'd said to me in the bathroom, this was definitely the most ludicrous. "Excuse me?"
Lily met my gaze squarely. "Didn't you listen to Professor Smith? Amber, think about it. You never used to be sick or emotionally drained until you started wearing this necklace. I think you should take it off."
I held it protectively, thinking of Virginia and how this was my last piece of her. "No. For once, I think you're wrong, Lily."
Lily's mouth parted slightly. In all of our friendship, most of the time, I agreed with Lily's logic and reasoning. But for once, I disagreed with her. Heartily.
"I think," she said in an even voice, "you should at least show it to her."
"I've already showed it to her mother, and Dumbledore." I told her. "They said it was nothing. Just a copy of a rare piece of history."
"Do you honestly believe that?" Lily said in disbelief. "Amber, come on. Look at all that's happened in you. I don't believe it for an instant that this necklace is just any old knock-off of jewelry. I think it might be the real deal."
A cold trickle of sweat ran down between my shoulder blades. I didn't want to believe her. But it had indeed crossed my mind a few times that maybe Professor Smith and Professor Dumbledore were wrong.
Or had lied to me.
"You're wrong." I said reflexively, because I didn't want to face the shades of truth in her words. "I don't want to talk about this right now, Lily. I've got enough on my mind."
Lily looked troubled. "Let me at least help you. Let me wear the necklace for awhile, and see if anything happens to me."
But I shied away from her words even more. The idea of parting with my necklace made me think of parting with my last remnant of my dead sister. "I can't do that, Lily."
Lily twisted her hair into a ponytail. "You've got to let me help you somehow. I don't like this. It's like it's possessing you. Or taking your energy. It's just not right, Amber. I don't like this."
Sighing, I unclasped the necklace and handed it over to her. Lily's eyebrows lifted in surprise as she took it from my proffered hands. She looped it around her own neck and let it dangle. I watched, feeling a dull sense of loss as if someone had taken my wand.
"Well?" Lily asked shrewdly, as if she could read my thoughts. "Feel anything?"
"Just wish I could have my sister's necklace back." I said half-heartedly.
Lily gave a sad smile. "Let me wear it for a week and see if anything happens to me. Maybe you'll feel better without it."
"Maybe." I said, watching the bright Harkenine jewels wink in the dim light of the lavatories. I tried not to think about how naked I felt without it, or how much I wanted to rip it away from my best friend.
"Good." Lily said matter-of-factly, rising to her feet in the cramped space. "Let's go see if we can find Remus and make sure he's okay."
The first weekend of October was upon Hogwarts once again, which meant that Quidditch tryouts were also in full-swing. This year, the tryouts seemed to be more popular than ever, since Mara Smith, the famous Chaser for the Montrose Magpies, was in attendance.
She was hovering in mid-air near Madam Hooch, chatting animatedly, as I walked down onto the pitch with my Silver Arrow. Already, the stadium was packed to the seams with hopeful future Quidditch players. I caught the familiar faces of a handful of Ravenclaws from last year's team. I recognized Artemis Powell, now a seventh-year, as well as Ceres Amorin and Kirkley Switch. Anna Noyes, Sebastian Smethley, and Nemo Stevens had all graduated last year.
I felt a stab of disappointment and longing when I remembered that Sean too had graduated and gone off to become a professional (but amateur) Seeker for the Falmouth Falcons, the same Quidditch team that my own father had played for before giving it up quickly after joining in order to work at the Ministry of Magic. The thought brought up a slew of questions… including one that Minnie had pointed out at my birthday party two months prior.
Why had Dad given up his dream job in professional Quidditch? And why didn't he like to talk about it, even years later?
I tried to ignore the butterflies that rose inside of me at the memory of Sean and I coming out to the deserted Quidditch pitch several times a week before the tryouts last year in order to teach me how to fly, and how to play the popular broom game itself. We had spent countless hours here, alone, sharpening my skills as a flier and deepening our own friendship. And he had tried to make it more than just friendship, when he had almost kissed me on the Ferris wheel in August.
I shook my head to try and clear it. Enough. It was bad enough that Remus wrought such emotions out of me. I would be damned if I was going to let Sean do it too.
"Hey, Harkstone!" Kirkley Switch called, waving me over to where he stood with Ceres Amorin and Artemis Powell. I went over semi-sheepishly, still aware that all of them were seventh-years and I was just a fourth-year. Even Artemis towered over me.
"Hi, guys." I said, smiling at each other them. After I had scored a measly ten-points in the first game we'd played as a team, it had won us the match. It hadn't been enough to win us the Cup, which had gone to Hufflepuff, largely because of Sean's skill as Seeker. Gryffindor had nearly snatched it from them, but Sean had been too good of a player to allow them to take the glory.
But now that he was gone, I had a feeling that James and Sirius might try to secure the win for themselves. I tightened my grip on my broomstick as a sudden and powerful rush of rivalry coursed through me. Yes, we were friends, and Marauders. But that didn't mean that we were in the same House. And I felt a brutal urge to secure Ravenclaw's victory with the Cup.
"How was your summer?" Ceres asked genially. He had shaved his hair into a sort of mohawk, and the punk look suited him. Artemis certainly seemed to approve, as she could not take her eyes off of him and blushed whenever he looked her way.
"It was alright." I answered. "Very busy. I lifeguarded with Silva Higgs."
"Ah, Silva." Ceres and Kirkley sighed, and I saw Artemis's face change as if she'd stepped in dog poop. "I wish we could have been in need of rescuing."
"Get in line." I said dryly, remembering the curious pattern of near-drownings only when Silva took the lifeguard chair.
"So," Artemis said bracingly, now ignoring Ceres and focusing on me, "did you practice at all this summer?"
I blinked. "I mean… I did. Yeah. Why?"
"Well, I think we'd all like to stay together, right Kirkley?" She asked. Kirkley grinned, and for the first time I noticed a Captain's badge on his lapel.
"You made Captain!" I gasped. "Congratulations!"
Kirkley grinned, not much of a talker but still looking pleased with his new position. "Thanks, Harkstone. I'd really hate to lose you as a Chaser, but I've got to see everyone who wants to try out. Give it your best, alright?"
"I will." I promised, feeling excitement and adrenaline coursing through me like electricity. I spotted James and Sirius not far, chatting to a large group of girls from all Houses.
"Looks like they're holding court." Artemis said drilly.
"Come on." Kirkley said, gesturing to the field. "We're up first this year. Oh, wow."
I saw why he'd grimaced. It looked like half of Ravenclaw House had come out to try their luck at making the Quidditch team.
Kirkley sighed, signaling for us to rise into the air. I mounted my Silver Arrow and rose clumsily into the air. It had been a month since I'd on my broomstick, and it took getting used to after being on the ground for so long.
"Watch it, Harkstone!" Ceres laughed as he zoomed by. I scowled and steadied myself, catching sight of Remus and Lily in the packed stands. Peter was beside them. They waved. I raised my hand to wave back, but nearly rolled off my broom. I held on upside-down by my fingertips, listening to Lily scream in fright.
"I'm fine, I'm fine!" I shouted shakily, righting myself back up. I shuddered and focused on remaining centered and upright. Remus looked annoyed. I grinned shamelessly and followed after the rest of my team, already tingling with intense excitement.
"Can you stay on your broom, Harkstone?" Artemis asked, rolling her eyes.
I shrugged. "I'll try, but I make no promises."
Kirkley blew on his whistle and the Ravenclaw hopefuls swarmed around him in a semi-circle. "Alright, let's try a basic passing and scoring maneuver with the Chasers."
Surprised at how quickly we were starting, I broke away from the rest of the team along with ten other Ravenclaws. I recognized Miriam Tring, who gave me a cursory look before moving her gaze away. Zoey MacDonald was hovering across from me, her eyes pinning me in place. She had been Angelina's best friend, and the look she gave me clearly conveyed that she wished I had been the Ravenclaw girl who had died, not Angelina.
I was digesting this disturbing thought and wasn't paying attention. I barely registered the fact that Kirkley had tossed me the Quaffle until it hit me in the face.
I let out a gasp of pain and barely caught the ball as it fell. My face burned where the Quaffle had impacted my cheek. It already felt hot and raised. Kirkley looked horrified.
"Harkstone! Are you alright?"
"Yeah." I said weakly, bravely attempting a laugh, even though my eyes were watering. "Just warn me next time, okay?"
"Try to focus." Kirkley advised, and I felt a rush of heated anger as Zoey snickered into her palm.
"Alright, let's try to keep this in the air, alright? Pass it along as quickly as you can in a circle, and on my whistle, you need to move into a formation and pass it through the hoops. Everyone call out your name when you get the Quaffle so we'll know your names. We'll play for ten minutes, and the best three will become my new Chasers. Alright?"
The other Ravenclaws passed the ball around. Zoey passed it to Artemis, who passed to me. I threw it to a boy called Keaton Whifferdill. Halwyn Froggatt, Gaspard Sidebottom, Tobias Ridgebit, Iris Orpington, Thelma Ellis, and Lucy Dunstan were all hopefuls for the Chaser positions. Kirkley blew on his whistle after a few minutes and we broke off into formation. Artemis and I paired off easily, already well-attuned to each other's habits and preferred notions of play. It felt like just another practice with Sean, and the thought of him made fresh heat rush through me, though not at all unpleasantly. I remembered how he tried unsuccessfully to kiss me on my birthday, how Remus had intervened, and my grip on the broom handle of my Silver Arrow tightened. What was I going to do about that boy? About either of them?
Preoccupied again, I nearly got hit by the Quaffle again when Tobias hurled it with all his might. I caught it with a puff of exertion and shot it through a hoop. It felt like only a minute later when Kirkley blew his whistle yet again and summoned us back.
"That's enough for Chaser tryouts. Dunstan, you look like you might be better off as a Seeker. Why don't you try for that position? And Ridgebit, you should think about Keeper. The rest of you, good work. I'll let you know tomorrow by dinner who's on the roster."
I pulled my Silver Arrow to the ground and dismounted, surprised at how quickly tryouts had passed. I frowned, hoping that a quick trial had meant that Kirkley Switch had already seen his new team and picked them out. I crossed my fingers, praying that I'd again made the cut.
Remus and Lily moved aside for me as I took a seat in their row high up in the stadium. Lily winced. "Your cheek."
I shrugged. "I'm sure it's not as bad as it looks."
"It's going to bruise." Remus said, drawing his wand and pointing it at my face. "Episkey."
There was a sensation of burning hot, then freezing cold on my face. I touched my cheek gingerly, but it felt as if there had never been an injury.
"Thanks, Remus!" I said, impressed. "Where did you learn that?"
He stowed his wand, not meeting my eyes. "Madam Pomfrey's used it on me loads of times."
"You did great!" Lily said happily, changing the subject. "How do you feel?"
"It was hard to tell if I did any good or not." I admitted. "It was so quick. I guess Kirkley knows what he wants. Anna took her time choosing her new teammates." I leaned my broomstick against the empty seats in front us. Even though the tryouts were always interesting and entertaining, my mind couldn't stop wandering elsewhere. I spotted Regulus Black in a cluster of other green-and-silver clad Slytherins down on the pitch and felt my hands curl into fists. I couldn't forget what Logan Avery and Edward Nott had done on the train ride into Hogsmeade. For whatever insane reason, I had agreed to hear them out on a proposition. They offered to become allies. To forget the past and forge an allegiance. Just like that.
I shook my head at the troubling memory. They were supporters of the Dark Mark and He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, as well as strong believers in his philosophy that Muggles should be dominated by wizard-kind, once again, and once-and-for-all. Why had they offered to make peace with me? Surely, it had to been a hoax. A false offer of allegiance. But for what?
"Well, I'm famished." I announced, my hunger already returning despite my breakfast. "Want to join me in Hogsmeade? I'm really craving some blueberry-flavored Beans from Honeydukes."
Lily nodded. Remus, however, shook his head. "Not yet. I want to wait for James and Sirius."
I glanced down at the pitch. The two boys were holding court, surrounded by a crowd of awed onlookers as they demonstrated different Quidditch moves. James ruffled up the back of his untidy hair, making it stick up even more. I noticed several girls titter and giggle. I rolled my eyes.
"You have fun." I told Remus dryly. I wasn't a fan of James' new habit, which seemed to elicit a female reaction every time he did it. "Lily?"
Lily nodded tersely and followed me out of the stadium. The air was cool and seasonable and felt good as it streamed through my hair. I knew it was a mess from flying and wasn't surprised to see Lily offer me a hair band. I tied it back so that the long, wild tresses of blonde hair were temporarily tamed.
"You know, I'm surprised you haven't asked me to help you with that." Lily said after a moment of silence. "I could straighten it for you in a second. Or shape the curls."
I chuckled. "Maybe for the next ball or something."
"Or your first date?" Lily asked hopefully as we made our way into the castle so that I could change into my uniform.
I snorted. "Sure. That'll happen when the sun rises in the west."
Lily shook her head, looking determined. "Just you wait. I know Remus still fancies you. And I'll bet my wand that Sean isn't done with you yet, either. Trust me, Amber. You're dateable material."
I groaned. "Lily, please. I've already told you. I'm not interested in dating anyone. I've got too much on plate as it is." Besides, I wasn't sure I wanted to risk my friendship with either boy. If a relationship didn't work out, I didn't want to face the possibility of losing their trust and companionship forever. And Remus' ridiculous but firm stance on our feelings wasn't helping Lily's case.
I listened to her jabber on about classes and her other friends. She was mentioning Severus less and less and she never smiled anymore when she spoke of him. Deciding to prod her conscience, I asked, "are you and Severus alright?"
We had just left the castle again, as I had changed out of my Ravenclaw Quidditch robes and into my school uniform. Lily's somber expression deepened.
"You know," she said softly, her brilliant green eyes dull with pain, "I'm not sure anymore, to be honest. He's been so distant this year. And you know how he's been hanging around with that Slytherin gang. You said something last year about him being in with the wrong crowd. I'm starting to think that maybe you were right. And it might be too late."
My heart ached for the look of devastation on her face. "It's not, Lily. He can still choose to leave behind those goons. He might be involved with the Dark Arts, but I know he cares about you." Even if he was a creep.
Lily let out a long sigh and curled a lock of dark red hair behind her ear. "I don't know. He's been my best friend since we were little kids. I just feel that we're all changing, you know? And he's going down a path that I can't follow. He likes the Dark Arts too much." She hugged her arms around her middle. "Amber, I'm afraid I'm going to lose him for good."
I studied her profile carefully. With a shock, I realized just why this was affecting her so much. Hadn't I felt the same sense of despair over Remus?
"I think you might have some romantic feelings for him" I said quietly. Lily's face bloomed with hot color and she immediately trained her eyes on me like a sniper's gun on a target.
"I… what? Love Severus? No! I mean, not like that. No, no, you're wrong. That would be too weird, Amber! He's like my brother. I have feelings for Harry that I've never had for anyone. But… no… I can't…"
I watched her silently as she battled the onslaught of emotions. She faced me again, looking horrorstruck.
"Oh, no. Don't you see? He loves the Dark Arts, Amber. Not me. And even if I did have feelings for him (not that I do), I certainly don't think he and I are in any place to take our friendship further. It would be too much."
"Now you know how I feel about Remus." I muttered, giving her a small smile. "I don't think you should punish yourself for loving Severus."
"I don't love him like that!" Lily insisted.
"Alright." I conceded. "But you do love him."
Lily's mouth opened and then closed again. "Yes." She admitted softly.
"Then talk to him." I suggested. "Give him a chance to mend what he's done wrong. And if that doesn't work… then, you're going to have to decide if you want him in your life anymore or not."
Lily blew out a gusty breath and dragged in another one. "Oh, this is so hard. No one tells you how difficult growing up will be, do they?"
I gave a short laugh. "I guess not. If they told us, we'd probably all run screaming for the hills."
Lily cheered up after that, seeming to have gotten what was bothering her off of her chest. She talked animatedly all the way down the road into Hogsmeade about her plans for taking over the positions of Potions master once Professor Slughorn retired someday in the near future. She mentioned wanting to marry young and start a family. She wanted five children, no less and no more. She also broached the subject of a living situation once we turned seventeen and graduated Hogwarts.
"We should really be roommates." Lily said as we entered the gates of Hogsmeade. A great stone arch opened up into the cluster of stone buildings, a black wrought-iron sign bearing the image of a large boar swinging lightly in the autumn breeze. It read "Please respect the spell limits" below the image of the boar.
"What do you mean?" I asked her as we meandered past other Hogwarts students towards the Three Broomsticks. "Roommates?"
"Yeah." Lily said as we entered the cathedral-like pub. "We could rent a small house or a flat in Hogsmeade. That way, I could teach at the school and you could have a place of your own when you start playing professional Quidditch. No parents, just us. A bachelorette pad. I think it would be fun."
I contemplated the idea of sharing a living space with Lily. I hadn't really thought too much of how I'd leave the nest. I'd spent my entire life living with my parents and sisters in the same bungalow in the same small town. It seemed silly - almost hypocritical - to feel a bubble of panic at the thought of leaving them. Already, I spent the majority of my time away from them at Hogwarts. Why should living with Lily in Hogsmeade (or any other town) be different than my current living situation?
I chewed my lip as I fought to push down the rising feelings of anxiety. Hadn't I always wanted my independence and freedom? Didn't I enjoy living at Hogwarts, away from their rules and aspirations and disappointments? Lily was closest friend, my dearest companion and like a sister. She was the one who had filled the void in my heart after Virginia had died. She sought a career as a teacher at Hogwarts, and my father's blood flowed in my veins. I knew I wanted what Sean Locke and Mara Smith had: to become a professional Quidditch player.
So why did the idea scare me so much?
"Are you alright?" Lily asked. I turned to look at her. She was watching me with a mixture of apprehension, excitement, and concern.
I forced a small smile. "I guess. I've just got a lot on my mind, that's all. You know we have O.W.L.S. next year, right? And then N.E.W.T.S."
Lily nodded sagely, taking a mug of butterbeer from Madam Rosmerta, the young, voluptuous barmaid who had graduated Hogwarts herself a few years prior and taken over The Three Broomsticks from her ailing father. So far, the business had continued to flourish, even thrive, under her direction. Privately, I knew it had to do with her looks and the way she was able to easily charm the male clients who frequented her pub.
"Hey," Lily said, sounding subdued. "You don't have to say 'yes' right away. I want you to really think this over. Make sure this is something you want to do before you take the plunge. Alright? We've still got three years of schooling to complete before we can do anything, anyway."
I took a sip from my own butterbeer, relishing the sweet, slightly salty tang that flooded my mouth. Though some preferred it hot, I liked mine ice-cold and frothing. I took another sip, louder, and giggled as Lily pointed at my foam moustache.
"You need to shave." She laughed as she tossed me a napkin.
I took another loud swig, making sure to add more foam to my upper lip. "Nah. I'm more of a natural-born girl. Hair's good for the face, you know? Keeps it safe."
Lily's eyes widened, and she shook her head frantically. I grinned wider at her expense. "What? Think I should stop shaving my armpits, too?"
"Well," said a cool male voice from behind me, "if that's the kind of girl you are, then I don't see any reason why you should."
I nearly died. Feeling as if I had been struck by a bolt of lightning, I immediately wiped off the foam as I turned and gaped up at Sean Locke, who was looking down at me with a smug grin. In the past few months, he had grown a slight beard and let his hair grow out so that it curled slightly. He looked more handsome than ever, and the double-edged sword of attraction and guilt plunged deep into my stomach.
"Sean." I managed, my mouth as dry as cotton. "What… what are you doing here?"
Sean pulled out a chair and sat down between me and Lily. "I was in the neighborhood and wanted to see my old stomping grounds. Nice to see you, Lily. You look more beautiful than ever."
Lily chuckled, rolling her eyes. "You say that to all the pretty girls, don't you?"
Sean smiled easily. "But with you two, I mean it."
I slapped at his arm while Lily giggled and helped herself to my butterbeer. "Seriously. I thought you had Quidditch with the Falmouth Falcons. Why are you in Hogsmeade? I thought you'd be booked clean through for months with the Quidditch season starting next week."
Sean's lips turned up, but his smile didn't quite reach his eyes. "I've been practicing all summer with them. They'll be fine without me for a day. Besides, I missed you, love."
I felt warm heat rush to my face, but I also heard a tiny alarm bell in my brain. Something wasn't completely right with him. He was withholding something from me. Something important. And since when did he start calling me names other than 'Amber'?
I peered into his face, scanning his gray eyes for some sort of clue, but he looked away and waved down Madam Rosmerta. She came over at once.
"Why, if it isn't Sean Locke!" She crooned, thrusting out one hip to the side. "I thought you were off playing for the Falcons!"
"I am." Sean said, smiling at her. "Just took a much-needed day off. Can I get a firewhiskey, Rosmerta?"
My brows lifted. "Firewhiskey?"
Sean made a small noise of assent. My inhibitions rose a notch.
"That's a strong drink for this early." Lily observed, also surprised.
Sean shook his head, but he didn't look fazed. "Just enjoying an adult beverage, ladies. I saw your cousin not too long ago, Amber. He was over at Dervish and Banges' about fifteen minutes ago to get his Sneak-o-scope fixed."
Lily dropped her mug of butterbeer on the table, nearly shattering it. "Harry's here?" She squeaked, her face turning nearly the same red as her flame-colored hair. "Here? In Hogsmeade? Today? Are you sure?"
Sean nodded enthusiastically. "I told him I was going to get a drink here. He might stop by in awhile once he's finished with his business down the street."
Lily squealed and jumped up from her chair. "I've got to fix my hair and make sure I look alright! Amber, come with me to the ladies' room? Please! This is an emergency!"
I laughed. "Lily, you look lovely. Just relax. Harry's into you for your personality, not just your looks."
But Lily wasn't listening. "Oh, forget it!" She said breathlessly and ran for the bathrooms.
Sean snickered and trained his attention to me. Now that we were alone, I felt the heat between us rise. I couldn't forget all of the time we had spent alone last year during Quidditch practice, or what he had tried to do on the Ferris wheel at Wolfe's Neck Beach.
"You look… different." I said at last, tangling my fidgety hands in my lap and unable to meet his gaze directly. "Scruffy. Older."
Sean made a noise as Rosmerta brought him his firewhiskey. "It's a team thing. The other guys are growing out their facial hair and not cutting their hair. It's bad luck to do that during a Quidditch season."
"That's ridiculous." I retorted, but it made me think of how Dad was the same way. Beginning in the early days of September and lasting until the end of January, he rarely lifted a razor or wand to his locks or beard.
"It's professional Quidditch." Sean replied indifferently. I watched him take a long swig of his drink and make a face. Unease gnawed at my insides. Something was clearly not right with my friend.
"Is everything alright?" I asked slowly, meeting his gray eyes this time and feeling a jolt in my stomach. His eyes were intense, like a building summer storm, and I felt the energy all the way down to my toes.
"I'm fine." He insisted. "It's a transition, though, leaving school and joining the real world. There's a lot of bad stuff happening out there, stuff they don't tell you about at school. Remember what happened at the Hufflepuff Games? A lot of people are saying that's just the beginning. That we've got more bad stuff coming. It's good to have friends you can count on. Your cousin Harry's been a real sport. He and I grab drinks every once in awhile in Diagon Alley. Harry's a good guy."
"He is." I said, swelling with pride. "I really hope he and Lily end up together."
"Time will tell." Sean replied. He took another drink and gazed out of the window thoughtfully. "So, how's school been for you?"
I relaxed. Finally, something I can talk about safely. I proceeded to tell him all about the dementor attack on the train ride, to the first few weeks of classes and the startling amount of homework, and the tutelage of his cousin, Mara Smith, who was proving to be just as knowledgeable and formidable as her mother before her. I even mentioned the other Marauders, and how they were like brothers to me now. Even Peter, whom I still didn't know very well.
"So you and Lupin…?" Sean ventured after a solid ten-minute monologue of my recounting of my time at Hogwarts.
My hands clenched into fists underneath the table at his question. I knew what he was asking, and I knew enough to guess at what he wasn't saying aloud.
"We aren't together." I told him carefully. "But I'm not on the market, either, Sean. I haven't changed my stance on what I told you both on my birthday."
Sean shook his head woefully. "That's too bad. I still haven't given you your birthday present."
I stared at him, again disturbed by the rush of hot feelings that arrived after his words. "I beg your pardon?"
"You heard me." Sean said, lifting his brow. "I'm in this for the long game. I'll wait for you, Amber. I knew from the first moment I saw you on the Hogsmeade platform that you were someone very special. And you've only cemented that first thought as I've gotten to know you. I want to be your friend, and more. I'm willing to wait for you to accept your feelings for me. You're the only girl for me. I want to protect you from all the bad things that are coming. I want you."
I could hardly breathe, let alone believe the words that he was saying to me. "Sean, I'm not playing a game, here. Don't wait around for something that may never happen."
Sean studied my face intently. "I would never hurt you, Amber. I'm not like him, like Lupin. You would never have to be careful with me. I won't turn into a horrible monster. And I want to help you achieve your dreams and support you the whole way. I've been your friend and mentor for three years. And now, I want your heart, too." He reached over and slipped his large hand through mine, his fingers brushing against mine. "I love you."
My mouth parted. I stared into his handsome, familiar face, feeling as if I had just been hit by a Stunning Spell. I saw no sign of flattery or charm in his eyes. He was truly vulnerable, honest, sincere. With a flash of understanding, I realized now just how deeply he felt for me. And how easy it would be to do what I did with Remus all the months ago and lean forward… and take this farther than just friendship.
But that didn't change a singular, pivotal fact: when he had said those three life-altering words, it hadn't been his face or his voice my mind had seen.
It had been Remus's.
I swallowed hard and pulled back slightly, determined to put distance between me and this man who invoked so many powerful emotions inside of me. "Sean, please…"
But Sean didn't let go of my hand. "Say you love me, too. I know you do. I can see it written all over you. I've known for awhile now."
I felt a spark of indignation at his bold words. I jerked my hand back, hard. "Don't tell me how I feel, please. I'm really confused right now." I took in a rattling breath, shaken to the core. "I think I should go."
I didn't look at Sean, but I could feel his disappointment and hurt radiating to me like heat thrown from a furnace. "Amber.."
Lily bounced back into her seat at that very moment, breaking the intimate privacy of what Sean and I had just shared. I noticed that she smelled like flowers and her face had been magically erased of any sign of pimples and blemishes. Her hair was shinier, too. I didn't ask how she had primped herself up so quickly. All I knew was that I had to get out of The Three Broomsticks and away from Sean. Fast.
"Is Harry here yet?" She asked excitedly as I rose to my feet, scraping my chair back. "Amber? Are you alright?"
"I feel sick." I told her. It wasn't entirely untrue. I felt dizzy and lightheaded with the heavy weight of what had just transpired. Sean had dropped that bombshell between us, and I knew now that even if we didn't ever move into a relationship, our friendship had just been altered. Permanently.
"Want me to bring you back to the castle?" Lily offered. "I mean, I don't want you to go alone."
But at that moment, I saw James and Sirius through one of the pub's large bay windows, Remus and Peter in tow. They looked extremely gleeful and smug about something, and I dove for my lifeline.
"No, thanks." I said, throwing down a handful of money. "That should cover my drink. I'll see you later, guys." Without looking at Sean, I hurried out of The Three Broomsticks and into the sunshine of the October Saturday. I stole into the adjacent alleyway, leaning against the wall for support.
I sucked in deep breaths, fighting hard against the surging emotions rising like a tide inside of me. Sean's earnest, unguarded declaration for love completely unseated me. I was stuck in a catch-22: my love for Remus was stronger, deeper, unconditional. But it was impossible and irresponsible to wait for him to become taciturn on his stance. Meanwhile, I had a perfectly suitable professional Quidditch player and close friend professing his own feelings of love and a desire to be with me inside the very building I was leaning on for support. But how could I enter into a relationship with him, when my heart clearly longed for Remus?
The heart wants what the heart wants. Mum had said once. I had thought she was being silly and know-it-all, but only now did I fully appreciate the gravity of those words.
It wasn't fair. Was I doomed to be eternally unhappy, constantly torn between my affections for two worthy boys?
"This is why I don't want to date." I moaned into my hands, fighting hard not to give into my despair.
"Why's that?" said a familiar voice. I looked up from my misery into the face of Harry Harkstone, his blue eyes squinting in concern.
I pushed myself away from the wall, plastering a smile to my face. "Because boys are more trouble than they're worth."
Harry smirked. "Young guys are indeed a headache. Are you alright?"
My smile faltered. "No. But I will be. Hey, listen. Lily's really keyed up to see you. She's inside waiting for you. You should bring her flowers or something sweet like that."
Harry's face brightened. "Really? She's in there?"
I watched the display of delight and excitement flood my cousin's face, devoid of confusion and guilt, and felt an inexplicable sense of loss. Why couldn't I have that?
"Yeah." I said dully. "Listen… she's really into you, Harry. Please, don't hurt her. She's my best friend."
Harry studied my face, scrutinizing. "Are you sure you're alright? I don't need to crack some skulls for you? Which boy hurt you?"
No one you need to know about. I thought. I smiled bravely. "I can handle my own problems, but thanks anyway."
"The offer's always there." Harry said, producing a bouquet of exquisite white roses. "Thanks for the tip. Hey, you're only fourteen. You've got loads of time to find the right guy. Don't worry about them so much. Live your life, and have some fun." He pecked my cheek and ducked into the pub. I emerged from my hiding place, arms tucked tightly around my waist. I spotted the four male Marauders cavorting not far away, beelining for Honeydukes.
Biting my lip and deciding to take up Harry on his advice, I jogged after them, catching up quickly. "Giving in to a sweet tooth?"
Four pairs of eyes swiveled in my direction. I avoided the green pair, the one that belonged to Remus, because I knew if he saw into me now, he'd know exactly just what had happened with Sean and what I had almost surrendered to.
"There you are!" James said cheerfully. "I thought you'd ditched us for Evans. Where is she?" He tacked on hopefully, messing up his hair once again.
"She's on a date." I said heartlessly. "Do you think they've got Bertie Bott's Beans today? They were sold out last time. My favorite flavor is blueberry."
"Did say a date?" James demanded. "Where? Who's she with? Why didn't you stop her?"
"Because she's at perfect liberty to date whoever she wants, and that's her business, not mine, or yours." I told him. I could feel Remus watching me, so I trained my attention on Sirius instead. "How'd tryouts go?"
"We killed it." Sirius said airily, stretching his arms above his head. "Definitely scored ourselves for two Chaser positions."
"Good." I said. "How'd I fly?"
"Alright." James said, shrugging. "I hope the new Captain likes you."
I punched his arm. "Very funny, thanks for that. Want to settle this on the pitch tonight?"
James smirked, while Sirius let out a bark-like laugh. "We can't." Sirius said, sighing. "We got a double detention with McGonagall."
"Again?" I asked, raising a brow. "What did you do this time?"
"Well," Sirius said, grinning wolfishly, "you know that bloke Bertram Aubrey?"
"Yeah." I said, frowning. "He was one of the Slytherin blokes at the tryouts." I rolled my eyes, sighing. "What'd you do."
James and Sirius grinned so broadly that all of their teeth showed. James said, "Well, we overheard him telling his mates that the only reason you're going to get picked for the Ravenclaw team was because your dad was the famous Walter Harkstone, and that you played like a git. So we hexed him."
"Yep." Sirius said happily. "How big was his head when Madam Hooch came over?"
"At least twice the normal size." James said, smirking.
"Simple Inflation Hex." Sirius informed me. "But I don't think Madam Pomfrey will be able to deflate his pighead anytime soon. You see, we added another curse to him, so every time she tries to use the counter-curse, it'll make his head get even bigger."
"Too bad Professor McGonagall gave us double detention." James sighed. "But it was worth it."
Lost for words, I settled for a hug for each of them. When I pulled back, both boys looked utterly astonished and bewildered.
"Did you just… hug me?" James asked in disbelief.
"That was really… nice!" Sirius exclaimed.
"Don't get used to it." I said gruffly as I marched ahead of them towards Honeydukes. "You're still both idiots."
"Can't object to that." Remus chuckled, and I felt a rush of heat at his voice. I offered him a tremulous smile. His green eyes crinkled, and I felt myself relaxing even more. With him, with the other Marauders, I didn't have to pretend or play nice. I could just be me. No matter how I was feeling.
"Oh, another thing." Remus said casually, withdrawing a piece of parchment from his pocket and handing it to me. "Professor Dumbledore asked me to give this to you."
Heart pounding, I carefully unrolled the small scroll. He had written a short message in neat, slanting handwriting that bespoke of a different time period and era. It was beautiful calligraphy, and I privately vowed to improve my own chicken-scratch.
Amber,
Please join me in my office tonight at eight p.m. for your first lesson. Only your wand will be required. I look forward to our meeting.
P.S.
I am especially fond of Blueberry Beans, too.