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Kylo drives after his uncle, following his dumb ratty car's headlights back towards his house. Nausea shudders through him in waves. Rey wraps her arms around herself. Although if he knows his uncle well, and he probably does know him better than even his mother, Luke Skywalker would sooner vanish to a far-off planet than tell his parents he caught them kissing.
They pull up at the house and Kylo and Rey get out of the car, trudging after Uncle Luke towards the house.
"Luke!" Mom says in surprise, sticking her head into the entryway. Her smile vanishes. "What's going on?"
"We need to talk," his uncle states.
Kylo hears his father swear in the living room. The TV switches off. Finn appears and exchanges a terrified look with Rey.
"Rey didn't do anything," Kylo interjects right away. "It was all me, okay?"
Rey looks up at him. Her hazel eyes grow huge. Yes, I meant it when I said I'd take all the blame. And it's not like he's even lying. Rey didn't know he was going to destroy Snoke's laptop.
"Tell me," Mom says the moment they're all situated in the living room.
"Sit down," Dad demands, pointing at Kylo and Rey. They both drop onto the couch. Kylo wishes he could take her hand, reassure her. His parents had to know, right? Her past.
"Do you want to tell them what happened?" Uncle Luke prompts, hooking his fingers through his belt.
Anger flares. What right does his uncle have to judge him, to talk down to him? None. Absolutely none. Kylo glares at him. "Rey shouldn't be in here. She didn't do anything wrong."
"I went to confront Hux," says Rey. "I—heard—from someone that he was spreading rumors—well, he found out somehow that I was arrested a couple years ago, and he—"
Mom's eyebrows clench together. She and Dad exchange a look. "He shouldn't have been able to find that."
"I know," says Rey. "So I went to confront Hux, but Snoke told him to leave, and—"
"Snoke was being an asshole to Rey," Kylo interrupts. Snoke surely won't tell anyone he was the one who looked up Rey's history, will he? Because that's illegal. "So I smashed his computer."
Dad groans, leaning over in the armchair, resting his head on his palms. "Kid."
Rey frowns at him, but he knows she understands. They can't trust adults. Not one of them.
"Why?" Mom demands, eyes boring into him. Of course she's not letting him off that easily. Of course she isn't.
Keep pressing. But why? Why do you press if you don't care? He wants to scream. "Because he's a loser who wanted to help Hux more than me." That's true. It's all true, and it's all a lie, and he feels as if he's being torn in two. Help me. Help me.
"Seriously?" Dad demands. "Ben, what were you—"
"It's Kylo!" he shouts. "Stop calling me that dumbass name!" He glares at a photo of Ben Kenobi, young and smiling with his grandfather and grandmother. "Just stop!"
Rey flinches. Guilt squirms inside him.
"Snoke could press charges," Uncle Luke says, not even looking at him.
Look at me.
Just look at me.
You can't, can you? You haven't been able to since the lab.
Look at me, goddammit! Look at me! I'm here, see me! Look at me!
A lump swells in his throat. He wants to scream and cry, throw himself down on the oriental carpet like a toddler because at least they would comfort him then, or so he imagines, or so he hopes, because he can't even remember.
"I'll call him," Dad grumbles. "Offer to pay for it."
"He's obviously no longer going to mentor you," says Uncle Luke.
Because I'm no use to him anymore. Kylo hunches over. "I don't care."
"Why not?" demands Mom.
His neck snaps up.
She glares at him, tears in her eyes. "Why don't you care, Ben? I want you to care. I want you to care. Why don't you care? This is your life. This is your future. You're not happy and I can't help you, no matter what I do!"
You haven't even tried!
Try. Try. Try. Try try try try try try please dammit try!
"Why would I?" he forces out. "No one cares."
"That's a load of horseshit," says Dad. "We love you, Ben! We'd do anything to—"
"Bullshit! You won't even call me by the right name!"
"We named—"
"Fine," Mom cuts in. "Kylo."
The name hits him like a punch to the stomach. Kylo gapes at her. It doesn't feel like a victory. It feels like a defeat.
He swallows. "Well. Fine." He clenches his fists. His fingers ache.
Rey reaches out and puts her hand on his shoulder. Tears fill her eyes. Of course he's hurt her with his outburst. I'm sorry I'm such a screw up. I'm sorry they aren't perfect parents. You want them to be, don't you? You needed that.
"I'll listen to you," Snoke told him, long fingers stroking his chin, lifting his head up. "I believe you. Even when no one else does or will."
And now he's lost him. And he doesn't regret it. You were using me, you asshole. The entire time.
"You're grounded," Mom says. "Until we say you're not."
He shrugs. "I don't care."
Mom throws her hands up. Dad claps his forehead. And his uncle finally—finally—looks at him, brow furrowed. Kylo glares back.
"I started it," Rey interjects. "I went there to confront Hux—I did hit him—"
"You're already grounded," Dad points out.
Mom sighs. "But, Rey. You don't need to fight. You can come to us. I would have helped you. I would have gotten to the bottom of it. You don't need to do everything on your own."
Kylo wishes they were telling the truth. Because Rey deserves it.
Rey nods, but he can see her lower lip trembling.
Kylo gets to his feet. "Can I go?"
Say no.
Say yes.
If they say no, he'll go anyways. But he still wants them to say it.
"Fine, Kylo," says Mom.
"Is Rey okay?" Rose questions. The sound of mean-spirited human chatter, sneakers squeaking on tiles, and books tumbling out of lockers fills the air.
Finn watches Rey slam her locker shut. He tried to talk to her last night, but she didn't want to talk. She just called Unkar Plutt over and over again, getting the voicemail every single time. "I don't know."
The story's all over school. Everyone side-eyes Kylo and Rey, and of course, now Hux has spread the rumor. Poe looks as if he's about to bash Mitaka and Phasma's heads together.
"If they keep this up, I'll put moldy bologna in their lockers under all their books," Rose vows.
Poe snorts. Finn casts her a strange look.
"It's a great form of revenge," Rose informs him. "Paige did it to someone in middle school."
"Have you contacted that guy yet?" Poe asks as they head to literature class.
"DJ?" Rose nods. "I'm meeting today after school."
"By yourself?" Finn yelps.
"I'm a strong independent woman who don't need no man," Rose retorts, flicking her hair over her shoulder.
"I wasn't saying you needed one," Finn says. "But—I'll go with you. If you don't want to go alone." And he still doesn't trust the guy. He tries to force himself to remember the assassin's, but it's blurred. His face he never saw. Hell, it could ever be a her face.
"I looked him up," Rose says as she slips in her desk. "He really did used to be a private investigator. And he was quite good."
"The why the hell is he working at a casino now?" hisses Finn. He doesn't like this. Not one bit. But he isn't going to let Rose face him alone, and he can't fault her for being desperate for answers.
It's her sister. Like Rey with her parents, Rose is desperate to get her back.
Or is she?
Rose pulls out a pencil and chews on it. Finn watches her, watches the necklace dangling from her neck. You don't have to be your sister. You don't have to be daring or bold or brave. You're fine just the way you are.
"What?" Rose asks him. She shrugs. "I can't worry about it. There are more important things."
"Rose," Finn whispers. But he can't bring himself to say it, crush that light and hope in her eyes. Poe nods, smiling, and Finn wishes he could share with them, but he can't. They wouldn't understand what he knows.
The world is not kind. The world is not good. The world is not filled with people who are ready and willing to help. The world is filled with selfish people eager to take whatever they can to fill their own pockets and stomachs.
"He's meeting me at the soda place," Rose hisses before Lor San Tekka takes them through The Brothers Karamazov.
"I'll be there," Finn promises, turning his attention to Alyosha and his dying mentor and his disgusting father. Fyodor Karamazov seems worse than having no parent.
After school, the three of them troop over to the soda place. Poe buys them all apple soda and pretzels, and they loiter outside, although it's far colder today than the last time Finn and Rose went. Clouds roll overhead. Rose's teeth chatter, and Finn's fingers feel numb even in their gloves.
A fancy car pulls up, parking over the line to take up two spots. Poe's jaw tightens. "So he's one of those people."
Finn rolls his eyes. "Pretty fancy car for a blackjack dealer."
"Borrowed it from a friend," DJ says as he jogs up to them.
Finn slides his gaze to Rose, who peers up at him. "Do you have anything?"
"I have a few clues," answers DJ. "A list, you know. Couple names here, couple names there. But I'm not narrowing it down until I get some form of payment. My services aren't for free." His gaze lingers on her chest.
"What are you suggesting?" Finn demands. If he's sleazy, so help him God, Finn will—
DJ's hand shoots out to grab Rose's pendant. "This gold?"
Rose blinks. She gulps.
"Drop it," Finn demands.
"It's gold," Rose confirms.
"Solid?"
Rose nods. "It's a family heirloom."
"That'd pay for the entire investigation," DJ says. "And I can guarantee you results by the end of the week. Or else, well, you have my information. Feel free to turn me over to the cops if I don't come through. But I never fail."
Finn scowls. "We have other ways to pay you."
"Oh?" DJ fingers with the pendant and arches his eyebrows. "You got money, kid?"
"Some," Finn retorts.
"Some more," Poe adds. "I don't like you creeping on my friend here—"
"Forget it," Rose snaps. She tears off her pendant, pressing it into DJ's hand. "By Friday. Or I will call the cops."
DJ bows, pendant glinting as it dangles from his palm. Finn glares. "As you wish."
"But that's important to her!" Finn shouts. "Give it back!"
He turns on his heel instead.
"Finn, it's okay!" Rose shouts, grabbing his arm. He looks at her, aghast.
"Bastard," Poe spits. "Rose, why are you trusting him?"
"Because his records and reviews online are pretty good," Rose admits as DJ climbs into his car. "And the police weren't even able to catch whoever hit Paige. They're incompetent. Or probably bought off by some rich asshole. Money buys you anything here. A future. Happiness, or at least the appearance of it."
"Why you give that up, though?" Finn demands. "He's scum!"
"I know!" Rose shouts. "But it matters more to me, not that my sister wakes up, but that she doesn't suffer any more injustice. She might never wake up and I'm not going to put my life on hold, but I'm going to protect her as much as I can, because that's what she always did for me."
Kylo's lying on his bed, staring blankly up at the ceiling when a knock sounds. It has to be Rey. He props himself up on his elbows. "Come in."
Rey cracks the door open. Her hair dangles down to her shoulders, and her hazel eyes are wide and concerned.
"How's your project going?" he asks.
Rey rolls her eyes. "Same as ever. He didn't mention—you know."
"That he caught us kissing?" Kylo arches his eyebrows.
Rey shrugs. "Yeah. But he treats me coldly. But. You know. That's not that much different than normal." She eases herself onto his bed beside him. She smells like vanilla and soap. Kylo stiffens. He drops back down, focusing on the ceiling again.
"Have you talked to your parents?" Rey presses.
Kylo shakes his head. "Not again." A lump forms in his throat. He can't cry. Not in front of Rey. Not over this. He's weak, he's a loser, he's a piece of shit and he's useless and Snoke was right, was right, right right right right—
Rey's face hovers next to his. Her finger traces his cheek. "I'm sorry."
He swallows.
"You're not alone," she says.
He blinks and meets her gaze. "Neither are you."
She tries to smile. It wobbles. "Are you ever going to tell them the truth?"
He frowns, pushing himself into a sitting position. "Who, and what truth?"
Rey sits too, crossing her legs. She reaches out and takes his hand, running over his fingers with hers. His hands are covered in callouses, rough, hers are soft, her nails smooth. His breath hitches. "Your parents. About Luke."
He shakes his head. "They won't believe me."
"They might," Rey presses.
"They won't." Kylo focuses on her lips, soft and full and covered in some sort of iridescent gloss. "My mom called me Kylo."
"Isn't that what you wanted?"
He drops his gaze. "I don't know. I don't know—" He lets out a barking laugh. "I don't know who or what I want to be."
"That's okay," Rey says, reaching out. "I'll help you, Ben."
He almost smiles. "I like how it sounds when you say it."
Rey beams. She's so beautiful. He leans in, hand cupping the back of her head and taking her bottom lip in his. Her lip gloss tastes like strawberries. Her mouth opens, allowing him in. Her hands run down his sides, slide up to his pecs. It's taking all of his self-control to keep his hands on her sides and in her hair, and God, that hair. It's soft and a rich brown and free. He runs his fingers through it. Her eyes, the color of earth, blink at him. Her eyelashes brush his cheek. He slides his mouth down to the nape of her neck. Rey lets out a gasp.
"Sorry," he pants, pulling back.
Rey shakes her head. She pulls him back, wrapping her arms around his torso, holding him tight, holding him close. He feels wanted. He feels like she doesn't want to let him go, and he—he can't fathom letting go of her. I'm not alone. You're not alone. Neither of us are alone.
Rey pushes her hands under his shirt, her palms running along the bare skin of his chest. He can't breathe. He's lying on his back, and she's pulling his shirt up, her lips kissing his pecs, his abdomen, and tears sting again.
"Are you crying?" Rey whispers, hovering over him. Her lips are swollen.
And he knows she's not mocking him. He smiles.
"You can—take my shirt off," Rey whispers.
Kylo sits up, pulling his own shirt completely off before he reaches for Rey. She hunches her shoulders, biting her lip. He hesitates.
She takes his hand, pulling it to her breast. "It's okay. I—want you to see me."
"Have you done this before?" Kylo asks, hands on her hips, lifting the fabric.
Rey shakes her head. He pulls it over her head, and she's in a ratty beige bra, stained on the edge and fraying on one strap.
"Neither have I," he says.
Rey reaches her arms behind her, unbuckling her bra. Kylo's stomach clenches the moment it falls away, revealing her. His hands hover before landing. He's not quite certain what to do. "Let me know what feels good, or what doesn't," he requests, leaning in to kiss her there.
"'Kay," Rey rasps.
She's so kind. She's so—she sees the good in everyone, in everything, despite her upbringing. She's not cynical at all. And it isn't stupidity. It's beauty. He can't believe she wants him. His body strains.
He pushes her back down on the bed. She pulls him close, kissing him. He looks into her eyes. "What do you want to do?"
"Let's try," Rey says. "I mean. I'm nervous, but—"
"Me too," he admits with a snort.
She giggles. "You're a dork."
He helps Rey shrug out of her jeans and him out of his pants. She pulls off her underwear, and he removes his. Sweat prickles on the back of his neck.
"You okay?" Rey asks.
He nods. "You?"
"Yeah." She pushes herself up, kissing him. Her arms encircle him. He kisses the freckles on her shoulders, the sharp points of her ribs, her hipbones. He wants to kiss all of her.
Rey lies back down, pulling him on top of her. He rests between her legs, arms around her waist. He doesn't want to hurt her.
Rey cringes when he starts, and he freezes. "Are you—"
"All good," Rey pants. She arches her hips, rocking. He moves with her. Her face—her lips part, her eyes focus on him, sweat dampens her temples, and he doesn't want to move his eyes from hers except for when he kisses her, deeper than before. He can't understand why she chose him, of all people, but she did, and she's with him, and she wants to be here with him, and she wants to be doing this, and she grunts his name—Ben, his name—and he says hers like a prayer. His muscles clench and then he's carried away, flying to a place without all the dregs of his life, her hand clutching his.
He rolls off her, gasping. Rey pants. He sits up, alarmed. "You're bleeding."
Rey looks down. "Pretty normal."
"Oh."
Rey snickers and looks at him, and he looks at her, and hope sparks.