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"The police are investigating Brendol Hux," Rose informs them when they arrive at school. "The state police."
"Thank God," Finn says with a sigh. Ben keeps his arm wrapped around Rey. It's cold, and gray clouds storm over the sky. His uncle passes them and presses his lips together. No doubt he still thinks Ben's a bad influence.
And then Finn leans down and pecks Rose on the lips. Rey beams. Ben smiles. Poe does too, but Ben wonders. He thought it obvious Poe had a crush on Finn. How can he still be happy for someone when you've lost someone you care about in that way? Especially given his mother's death and what happened to Paige.
Ben can't imagine what would happen if he lost Rey. He already feels like he doesn't deserve her. She's the only good thing he can think of happening to him in years.
"I'm glad they're going to find out what that bastard did to Paige," says Poe as they enter the school building. "I bet he hit her."
"Excuse me?" demands a voice.
"Sux," Poe says, turning to Hux. "I'm not surprised you're—"
"Don't talk about my father like that!" Hux shouts.
Poe glances at Finn, at Rey. "Funny," he says, spreading his hands. "I didn't even mention his name, and yet you—"
"My father's done more with his life than your waste-of-space father's done and your dead mother," Hux snarls. "Has your father even gone back to work, or can he even get out of bed after Shara Bey—"
"Shut the fuck up!" shouts Rey as Ben and Finn both lunge to grab Poe, restraining him as he struggles to get at Hux. Hell, never mind. Ben lets go of Poe to grab Rey. Rose grabs Poe.
"Should look at Tico's family," sneers Hux, dark eyes glittering. Ben knows what he wants. He wants them to punch him. He wants them in trouble. He wants his father's approval. He knows that look, because it's rooted in the same feeling that sparks inside him to Snoke or with his uncle in that lab, or with his parents, before he realized he was never going to get it, and ashes settled in hope's place. "They can at least pull it together."
Rose spits at him. Rey lunges again, and Ben wraps his arms around her. She still struggles, cursing.
"You don't have the vaguest clue what my family has suffered," Roe says, her voice shaking. "And if your father really has—" Her voice cracks.
"If your father hit her and then tried to assassinate her, he's like a cartoon villain, and not even a good one," Finn states. "And trust me, I've seen my fair share of animes. He'll go down, Armitage."
Ben wishes he could believe the world is so just. He knows it isn't.
"Do you even know your mother?" taunts Poe.
Hux lunges now, fist flying out. Ben releases Rey. She kicks him in the stomach, sending him flying back into the lockers. "Pick on someone else," Rey snarls. "Not my friends, asshole."
"Is there a problem?" comes a familiar voice. The voice runs fingers down his spine. Ben stiffens. Snoke.
"Not at all," says Finn, voice cold.
"Then why is Mr. Hux on the floor?"
"Tripped," says Rose.
Ben glowers at Hux. "Tripped," Hux says again.
"Because I heard taunting," says Snoke. "And let me tell you, there will be no bullying here at this school. Do I make myself clear?" His gaze hones in on Rey. He smirks at Ben.
Are you threatening me through her? Ben's blood boils. He clenches his fists.
"Crystal," chirps Rose, tugging Finn down the hall. Ben refuses to break Snoke's gaze, not even to blink. You monster.
Finn taps both of their shoulders. Ben and Rey finally turn. Poe cusses and sends his fist flying into a locker the moment they're around the corner.
"Poe," says Rey softly.
"He's not useless," Poe says. "My dad. He's trying. He is. He's just—he loved her so much—" His chest shudders.
"We know," Finn insists.
Why are you defending him? Ben's chest aches. He can't understand. Though he supposes maybe before this, Poe's dad acted like he liked Poe. He has some vague memories that his mother might have liked him. But he's honestly not sure anymore, or if that even matters.
"Dameron?"
Ben turns. Amilyn Holdo stands there, arms crossed.
Poe swears again, and then rolls his eyes, clearly expecting her to lash out and give him a detention.
"We've got ten minutes before the first bell," says Ms. Holdo. "Why don't you come into my classroom, all of you?"
"Are you going to give us all detention?" Poe demands.
"Just you, and only if you keep talking like that." Ms. Holdo turns on her heel. Ben gulps. He supposes they have no choice but to follow.
"Sorry," Poe mumbles to them all. Ben hopes Mom doesn't find out.
Rey shuts the door behind them. Ms. Holdo stands, her arms crossed. "You realize it's okay to be sad, right?"
"Huh?" Poe blinks.
"Over everything," she says. "Over your mom, Poe, who was a wonderful woman, and my friend. Over your dad's struggles. Over things with your friends. Over what happened to Paige Tico. Your mom wouldn't hold any of that against you, Poe, not for being a person."
Ben's jaw drops. That was not what he expected at all from Ms. Holdo.
"I don't blame you for what happened to Paige," Rose adds quietly. "You apologized. I know you feel guilty, and now it looks like it might have been—might not be your fault after all."
Poe shrugs. "I still chose to leave that day."
"You did," says Ms. Holdo. "Don't shoulder the blame alone, though. And your father will come around. You don't have to pretend to be tough or to have it all together."
Poe rolls his eyes. They're watering.
So much for her hating you, Ben thinks. And he can't help but think of his own parents. He can't even pretend to have it all together.
And they're still not coming for him. He shudders, clenching his fists.
Rey pries his fingers apart, slipping hers in-between his.
He's so lost. It's like Rey's his only anchor, and yet he doesn't know if it's fair for him to keep clinging to her. But he has no one else.
If he were to tell his parents that they were dating, what would they think? Would they want to protect Rey? Would they blame her? Would they blame him? Would they be happy?
It's a strange concept to consider, his parents being happy with something he's done. Ben supposes he hasn't really given them much of an opportunity to be proud lately.
"You're feeling lonely," Rey says to him that night, after his parents have gone to bed and Finn's been chatting with Rose for hours in his own room. Her face, flushed and shining with sweat, hovers over his. Her chest is bare. Her fingers rest on his face, the uneven face Hux used to mock him for.
He swallows. "Not now."
And you, you're still lonely too. He wraps his arms around her, pulling her down, covering her lips with his, kissing her as if she might fade away.
Rey contemplates telling Leia and Han about her and Ben, but since he doesn't want to, and Luke hasn't spilled the beans, she keeps it quiet. Though as the next few weeks pass, her frustrations mount. She knows he isn't ashamed of her, but she desperately wants him to just tell his parents. He shouldn't have to be so lonely. Leia and Han might be flawed as parents, but they love their son, Rey believes that.
Rose and Finn work hard on their project as the weeks pass, though Rose is increasingly frustrated that the police don't seem to be getting anywhere with Brendol Hux. They keep promising within the next week. Ben helps Rey more than Luke Skywalker does, and she suspects Mr. Skywalker knows it, too, and she doesn't understand what is wrong with the man she read about and looked up to for so many years.
She dreams that dream again. "Come back!" Her feet pound the dirt lawn, devoid of grass.
"I'll be back soon, I promise!"
She can't see him. She can't see her. She wants them to turn around. She wants to yank their pants until she sees their faces. Which one do I look like?
Why not me? Why haven't you come back for me?
Rey jerks awake, the lavender blush of dawn creeping through the window. She rolls over in her bed, the bed that's more comfortable than any she's ever had. Her stomach lurches. Rey grabs the trashcan and vomits into it. She moans, resting her forehead against the side of the can.
A mother should be with her, rubbing her back, smoothing her hair. Tears prick Rey's eyes. Why did you go?
She knows. That knot inside her, that dark twisted knot.
No. She refuses to unravel it, let that monster free. Rey trembles. Her stomach heaves. She doubles over, sucking in air through her nostrils, pushing it out her mouth. She waits to vomit again. Bitter bile burns her tongue.
Come back.
Rey reaches for her doll, clutching it to her chest.
Come back. Mommy. Daddy. She sobs, back of her hand pressed against her mouth.
The nausea settles. Rey pulls herself together, changing into jeans and a sweatshirt. She leaves her hair down.
The smell of Finn's garlic bagel toasting turns Rey's stomach, but she manages to eat a piece of toast with strawberry jam that's more sugar than berry. Ben asks if she's okay, and she can only say yeah. She's still not used to people caring where she is or isn't okay.
She makes it through her classes in a fog, with her dream still hovering like a dark cloud over her head. Mr. Snoke gives her a C on her quiz—unfair—and Rey doesn't even feel like fighting.
Phys Ed is last. Rey changes into her shorts and t-shirt with Rose, Connix, and Jess nearby.
"Are you and Finn—you know?" Jess asks in a hushed voice.
Rey pauses. She's curious too.
"No!" Rose laughs. "We've only been going out a few weeks."
"Wasn't it like same day for you and Kylo, Rey?" teases Connix. Rey rolls her eyes, smirking.
"Different people," Rose says with a smile.
"But like, would you?" asks Jess. "Or would you wait?"
"I think I would," Rose says, pulling her onyx hair back. "But only when we're ready, and I don't know when that would be. I think it's fine whenever you both want to."
"I'm so happy for you guys," Connix says, beaming.
"So like ideally," says Jess, elbow resting on Rose's shoulder. "What would it be like? Candles? Roses?"
"Oh my God!" Rose's face flushes.
"What was it like for you, Rey?" questions Connix.
Rey bites her lip. "Emotional. I don't think the setting really matters." All that mattered to her in that moment was that she knew she loved Ben, and she knew he loved her.
"That's awesome," Rose says, eyes shining.
"Sluts," mumbles Phasma as she walks by. Jess takes her balled up socks and throws them at the tall girl. It bounces off her of blond head. She yelps and storms off.
"Like she and Hux aren't a thing," mumbles Jess, giving Connix a high five. "For real. She will just go to every length she can to make people miserable and I don't understand why."
"I do," says Rose quietly. "Her parents work for Brendol Hux. Or her mom does. Her dad shot himself when she was twelve, right before they moved here."
"What?" Jess's mouth falls open. Connix looks horrified.
Rey can't breath. Your father chose to leave you like that?
Why? Why would he do that?
Come back.
"My dad knew her mom," Rose says, folding her arms over her chest. "When he still worked there."
"That's so sad," Rey manages. She thinks of her parents again. Why did you leave me?
She remembers the smell of alcohol. She shoves that notion away. No. She won't believe that.
The conversation shifts, but Rey's mind still feels trapped, lost in Jakku, even though she's not in Jakku anymore, she's here. Unkar Plutt still won't answer her phone calls. If she can get a day off from he project, maybe Ben will drive her there just to check in. The not knowing is killing her.
Jess asks Rose about what she's wearing to her dinner date with Finn tonight. Connix grabs a tampon. "Make sure you use protection," Jess says with a wink.
Their teacher has them mercilessly run laps around the gym. Rey's the fastest, as usual. Afterwards she showers and drags the comb through her hair when the queasiness rollicks inside her. She stumbles into the bathroom stall, closing her eyes, breathing in, breathing out.
The nausea grips her stomach and her wrists. She doubles over. Breathe in. Breathe out.
The bell rings, and Rey can't move. She just stands there, trembling. If she moves she'll vomit. That might be good. But she can't even bring herself to open her mouth. Her jaw aches. The chatter from her classmates fades away.
"Rey?" Rose's voice breaks through. She knocks on the stall door. "You okay?"
"I'm gonna be sick," Rey ekes out. She leans against the stall, nausea slamming into her.
"Can I help?"
Rey fumbles to unlock the door before turning back to the toilet. She gets to her knees. A moan escapes her lips.
Rose's fingers press her shoulder blades, massaging. Her free hand pulls Rey's hair back from her back. "It's okay," Rose murmurs.
Rey leans over, trying to gag. Nothing happens. "You're gonna—be late."
"Don't care," says Rose. "You're sick."
Rey snorts. She heaves again. Still nothing. The nausea starts to abate, slowly. Rey takes several deep breaths.
"Want some water?" Rose asks.
Rey nods. Rose shuffles off and comes back with a cup. Rey gulps it down. "Thank you."
"You should go home," Rose says, helping Rey to her feet. "You've clearly got a bug."
Rey nods. "I—will." She just needs to tell Mr. Skywalker. And go to Dr. Kalonia for a pass.
"Dr. Kalonia will give one to you," Rose assures her. "You look pale, Rey. She's always been helpful anyways, when I have cramps." Rose wrinkles her nose. "I get them pretty bad. Like clockwork each month. That's why I was out for a day two weeks ago."
Rey nods. "I've never gotten regular ones," she admits. In fact, the last time she got hers was…
"I think that's pretty common for girls out age," Rose says, helping Rey out of the locker room. But Rey suddenly doesn't feel nauseated, but she wishes she was.
Calm down, she tells herself. It's been one day of nausea. And it's not abnormal for you. Not at all.
But that conversation earlier, with Jess joking about using protection… she and Ben haven't. Hell, Rey wouldn't even have the vaguest idea where to get condoms or birth control. Can she even, at her age? She doesn't know anything.
Rose pauses outside their history classroom. "Do you want me to take you to the office?"
Rey shakes her head. "Thanks, Rose." She pulls out her phone, texting Ben and Finn that she's sick.
Are you ok? Ben replies almost immediately.
Rey stares at it, not knowing how to answer. She's being paranoid. She knows she's being paranoid.
But there's only one way to find out, and ignoring problems doesn't make them go away. Rey knows that.
Instead she texts Finn. Meet me by our locker? I need to get my things & ask you something.
Rey leans back against the cool metal, pressing her arms against it. Her mind whirls. She's insane. This is a joke, and she knows it, and she's wasting Finn's time, she should just talk to Ben, but either way there's no point, since it's not the case and she's just worrying for no reason—Finn can handle that, he can help her, she trusts him.
Tears sting her eyes.
"Yo," Finn says when he arrives. "Damn, Rey. You look like death warmed over."
"I just almost puked," Rey replies, opening her locker and taking out the books she needs.
"Rose told us. Ben's concerned."
Rey grips her notebook so hard the wire spirals indent her skin. She turns to him. "Finn, I'm late." Kind of. She can't even be really sure. They've only been dating three weeks—but isn't pregnancy calculated based on your last period? Rey hasn't had hers in two months.
"Huh?" He blinks. "If you're sick, Rey, they're not gonna mark you late—just get to Dr. Kalonia's office and—"
"Not late like that," Rey hisses. "Late like, what they teach in health class, late."
"I still don't—" Finn's eyes bug out. His hand grips her shoulder. "Like—that late?"
Rey lifts her shoulders. She can't speak. "I'm scared, Finn," she ekes out.
She was never allowed to be scared. Unkar hit her across the head, knocking her out once when she was seven and cried during a thunderstorm. Fear was something she pretended didn't exist. She needed to focus on surviving until her parents returned, and then she would have no reason to be afraid.
But right now, she's scared. She's so scared. She trembles all over. The nausea flutters back again. Please be a stomach bug. Please be a stomach bug.
"Did you tell Ben?" Finn hisses.
Rey shakes her head. "No—I've only been nauseated today—"
"I don't know; I don't know, but I want to know so that I don't have to be scared!" Rey gulps. "He has enough—if it's not, I don't want to worry him—I'll tell him afterwards no matter what happens."
Finn nods. "Okay." He rubs the back of his head. "So, what are you gonan do? Buy a test or—"
"Leia's probably going to drive me home and make me stay there," Rey says. She winces. "It's not a bad idea."
"Oh." Finn understands now. "You want me to get you a test?"
She nods. "I'll pay you back."
"No." Finn shakes his head. "Don't worry about it."
"Thanks, Finn." Rey wraps her arms around him, and he pulls her close, hugging her.
"It's all gonna be okay, Rey," Finn whispers. "I promise, okay?"
Rey nods. She can't speak.
"Now go home," he says, releasing her.
Rey smiles and waves. She slings her bag over her shoulder and heads for the office, passing Phasma on the way. She remembers what Rose said about the other girl and tries to smile, but she can't manage it.