Rey spends most of the weekend sleeping when she isn't trying to work on her project. She's never quite sure how to act with Luke Skywalker, though. I'm carrying your great-niece or great-nephew.
He'd probably blow up the lab.
She's been working her whole life for this. She needs to work harder. She needs to win. To bring her parents back.
What if they don't want her? If she's knocked up?
She's getting better at functioning with daily nausea. Chugging lots of water helps. But she can't wash away the anxiety clambering for her mind, telling her she's worthless, telling her that she doesn't belong anywhere, that Ben will leave her.
Honestly, she probably should just have a termination.
Rey excuses herself from her project to go and vomit on Sunday, heading down the hallway. She can't make it to the bathroom. Her stomach lurches, bile burning her throat. Hands shaking, she grabs the trash can, doubling over. Tears run down her face, involuntary from the force.
I don't want this.
Why? Why is this my life? Why has this—this uncertainty—always been my life? What did I do to make people not want me? What's wrong with me? Why? Why? Why?
"Rey?"
She whirls around, gulping water from the ever-present blue Nalgene she carries with her. Poe stands there. "You still sick?"
"I'm fine," she manages.
Poe frowns. He scratches the back of his neck. "Don't seem it."
"What does it matter?" Rey manages.
Poe's eyes pop. "And now I know you're definitely not okay, because you're never not optimistic."
I'm all alone. Rey's strangely touched as she realizes Finn must really have not told Poe. He and Rose were being adorable yesterday evening, and all she could think as she watched them watch a movie together, Finn putting a blanket over Rose when she drifted off to sleep, was that she wished she could be that unencumbered, and yet she knows that that's not even really the case. It's a mirage.
"What if I told you I was pregnant?" Rey asks, voice low.
Poe's jaw drop. "Are—are you shitting me right now?'
Rey shakes her head. Her lips tremble.
"Ben?" Poe asks. "That bastard—I'll—"
"I can make my own decisions!" Rey snarls. "To hell with that idea—he didn't seduce me, if anything it was the other way around. It's not just his fault, and it's not—I'm—"
"What are you going to do?" Poe whispers, rubbing his face. "Rey."
"If I win the scholarship, and my parents find out, maybe they'll help?" Rey croaks.
Poe's face dissolves into disbelief. "Rey."
They're not coming back.
It's what Ben says. And she told him to leave her alone, and now—
"Leia and Han would help you," Poe assures her, squeezing her shoulder. "I know it, Rey. They're good people."
"Who failed their own son so badly he can't trust them," Rey says bitterly. She needs them to prove they can be there for Ben before she buys that they'll help her and their grandchild. And honestly, why should they have to? Charity isn't Rey's thing. They're already being kind in letting her live in their place as an exchange student. That kind of generosity is something unfamiliar to Rey, icy and terrifying.
"They didn't fail him," Poe insists. "Ben's just—I mean, he's been better lately, but he's immature and—"
"Does that mean that they didn't fail him?" Rey asks. Her voice breaks. "Look at your own father, Poe."
Poe recoils.
All of us just want our parents to see us. Acknowledge us. We're here, and we matter.
Why? Finn's left him. Poe's father can barely get out of bed. Leia and Han are too focused on their own work. Rose's have Paige. And hers… do you remember me? Are you even alive?
If you could return, why haven't you?
What kind of parent would she be? What kind of father would Ben be?
"Sorry," Rey mumbles, pushing past him. She stumbles into Mr. Skywalker's classroom, wiping at her eyes.
"Something wrong?" he asks, barely glancing at her.
"Yeah," Rey says, before she has the chance to reconsider. "There is. You're not helping me enough with my project."
Mr. Skywalker turns to face her, letting go of the cloth he's using the wash the whiteboard. "You're smart enough to figure it out on your—"
"But do I have to? Do I have to do everything on my own?" Rey demands. Her hands shake. She clutches the edge of her desk. "Do you even care? Or are you just reluctantly mentoring me because your dog liked me and because your sister told you to? Did it ever occur to you that I—that I'd want someone who actually cared?"
"That's not my fault," he says coldly.
"Yes, it fucking is!" Rey shouts at him. "Why? Why don't you care—about me, about Ben—I'm not Ben, but you think I am, right? And he's not—not a bad—you failed him."
"I know that," Mr. Skywalker responds.
"Then do something about it!" Rey shouts, grabbing her laptop. "Don't just stand there and wait for something to happen! It doesn't count if you know something but don't act on it, you idiot!"
Oops. Her face flushes. She shouldn't have insulted her mentor. But—you're no hero. "You're a coward." You should have told Han and Leia the truth. It's not entirely on Ben. It's also on you. You need to make things right, but you've had ample opportunity, and oyu haven't.
She thinks of her parents. You've had so many years.
"Youy had the chance to prove Ben wrong. Show him you weren't just about money and looking good, and you blew it. Because you were afraid. But it doesn't matter why you did it. All that matters is that you blew it." Rey's voice shakes. "You're despicable."
"Rey," he manages. "Rey, that's not—I—you're right, and I—"
"I don't want to hear it," Rey croaks out. And something she never thought she'd say floats to her mind, and she's not sure if she's saying it to Luke or to the voices in her memories. "It's too late."
Rey turns and storms out.
Ben doesn't know what to do. He can't sleep at night. He tosses and turns. Rey comes to join him around three in the morning, but she doesn't want to talk. She presses her face into his shoulder, and they finally drift off.
She's pregnant with my child.
It feels surreal. What do I know about being a father?
Well, he knows what not to do. Ben snorts.
He doesn't want to hurt Rey.
Their alarm goes off, and Rey slips out before anyone else gets up. Ben listens to the sound of her turning on the shower to mask her puking. I should be suffering with her. It's not fair that Rey's the one whose future is on the line far more than his is. She doesn't have parents at all, and she's still in this contest he wants her to win. For her sake.
If she wants a termination, he wouldn't fault her. He'd support her. And if she wants to have it, he'll be with her. But he's afraid.
I don't want to fail.
I don't want to be my parents.
He's afraid. He doesn't know how to escape that, and he wants to. But all he can see is a sheer wall miles high, something he hasn't a prayer of climbing because he's without anything but himself.
That's how you feel too, isn't it? All alone. Just you.
But you're enough, he wants to tell her. I believe in you.
What would she say back? That she believes in him? He snorts. She might. But she shouldn't.
I'm a mess.
Finn offers him a small smile as they get bagels for breakfast. Rey declines, so Ben packs her one to go just in case. Finn gives him a thumbs up.
"Let's talk after school," he tells Rey.
She nods. "Okay."
"I love you," he says.
She blinks, her eyes widening. "What?"
"I love you," he repeats, the sky blue and cold above. Supposedly a snowstorm will blow in later tonight. I do. You give me hope.
Tears fill her eyes. Finn rushes away, over to Rose, who waves. But Rey just focuses on him. "Really?"
He nods.
She steps towards him, wrapping her arms around him. She presses her face against his chest and heaves, a shuddering sob.
Have you ever heard that before?
I'll say it every day, then. Every hour.
The bell rings as Ben slams his locker shut. He spots Hux and scowls. If the cops don't make a move soon—
"Saw you hugging your girlfriend," Hux taunts.
"What?" Ben asks, blinking. "I would've thought Phasma's able to hug you—"
"Your knocked-up girlfriend."
Ben freezes. The air leaves his lungs. He glowers at Hux. You can't know. How? Finn and Rose and Poe—none of them would tell Sux, and no one else—
"Phasma happened to overhear her asking Finn for a test last week," Hux informs him. "Given her throwing up every morning, I—"
"You're insane," Ben snaps.
"Insanely right," Hux gloats. "Man, Ben. I knew you were a fuck up, but I didn't know you'd fuck up that abdly. Although, she's the one who's going to pay the price, isn't she? Of course you didn't think of that. You only think about yourself. And luck for me, Phasma thought to record it. I think the powers that be won't be terribly happy to award a scholarship to a teen mom—"
"You're a liar."
Hux snickers. "Just you wait, Kylo Ren—or Ben Solo?"
"Wait!" Ben grabs Hux's shoulder, wrenching him around. His heart pounds. "You can't—you better not—she—"
"What?" Hux taunts. "After all you've done to my dad—did you know the attorney general's preparing charges? Of course you didn't. You only care about yourself. Well, it's your fault for sticking your dick in some Jakku—"
Ben's fist flies through the air, slamming into Hux's jaw. He stumbles back, falling against the lockers.
"Ben!" Finn rushes up behind him. Hux scrambles to his feet and swings at him. Ben kicks his legs out from under him.
"Stop!" bellows Rose's voice. And then Ben sees Rey lunging at Hux. Poe shoves Hux away.
"What the hell is going on here?" comes a sinister voice. Ben lurches towards Hux, fury surging. Why—why are you like this? Why are you so miserable that you want to hurt her?
Finn and Rose grab him, holding him back. Ben struggles for a moment, and then he sees their eyes, Finn's chocolate ones and Rose's rich coffee ones, and he remembers that these two, they're friends. They care. He wilts.
Rey gapes at him. She turns her face, twisted in rage, towards Hux.
"Come with me," Sno0ke orders, reaching down and grabbing Ben by his arm, wrenching him down the hallway. "You too, Armitage."
"Wait!" Rey calls.
"Were you involved here?" Snoke snarls, spinning on his heel.
"No," Ben cuts in. "She wasn't." He glares at Hux. I swear to God, if you—
"Then stay back," Snoke snaps. "It's not your business."
Rey flinches. She narrows her eyes at Ben. He avoids her gaze. She'd probably be pissed he got himself in trouble fighting for her.
"Oh dear me," sighs Threepio as Ben's dragged into the office.
"So you refuse to say what you were fighting over?"
"It's irrelevant," Ben replies, crossing his arms. It's not. His shoulders hunch. He clenches his fists.
Mom's eyebrows rise in skepticism. "Okay, Kylo."
That name. Snoke's name. He flinches.
"You're lucky Brendol Hux doesn't press charges," she informs him, leaning forward, elbows on her desk. He spots a framed photograph of himself as a child. He wonders if she wishes she could return to those days, or if she wishes he'd never been born.
"What is going on with you?" Mom demands. "Look at me."
He meets her eyes, angry. Can 't you see? Can't you press? You wouldn't believe me even if I told you.
"First you turn on Snoke, and now—"
"You never liked Snoke anyways," Ben cuts in.
Mom heaves a sigh. "No, Kylo, I don't. But I don't care about Snoke. I care about you."
He snorts.
"Come on, Kylo."
You can't even notice I've gone back to Ben. "Can I go back to class now?"
"No. You're suspended for the week."
Shit. It burns. "Can I go home then?"
Mom throws her hands up. "Can you think of something beyond yourself? I'm trying to have a conversation with you and—"
"No you aren't!" he explodes. "You're only having a conversation with yourself, trying to—to justify yourself, make yourself feel better, when in reality you couldn't give a fuck what happens to me! You've never listened to me! Why would you listen to me now?"
"I am listening!" she fires back. "What do you think I'm doing right here, right now, Kylo?"
He glares at her, shaking his head. "You're not."
You can't be. You can't have been.
You're going to be a grandma, and I can't tell you.
Why didn't I matter?
"I love you!" she shouts. "I want you back!"
"Back from where?" he snarls.
"From—from—" Tears fill her eyes.
Kylo. But Rey's pregnant. And Hux knows. And no one will ever know what Luke did, and no one will believe him, and he's been trying for too long. Did he think that if he worked hard enough, he could make them proud? Did he think that if he won, he wouldn't need to make them proud? Did he think that Snoke could replace them? Did he think at all, or was he just scrabbling for something ot hang onto, and finding only ghosts?
"It's too late," he retorts, turning on his heel. He slams the door open.
"Get back here!"
He pushes out the door.
"Ben Solo!" cries Threepio.
He pushes through the office, scattering papers in a white whirlwind. He bursts outside, where clouds bruise the sky. He runs. He's cold. He forgot his jacket. He hears voices yelling after him, he knows Rey will be disappointed, knows it's not what she needs right now, but he has no idea how to be what she needs right now.
I love you.
Does it matter if he can't be what she needs?
I want to be. His chest heaves as he slows. Spindly trees rise around the road.
A car slows down behind him. "Hey kid. Get in."
Ben looks over his shoulder to see his father. "No."
"Yes," he insists. "Come on, Ben."
"Why?" he lashes out. "Mom called you, so you come here to play the hero for her?" What about me? What about me? And why not years ago?
I don't count. His hands shake. He clenches them again. His knuckles pop.
"Ben," says Chewie.
"You don't get to show up now and pretend you care!" Ben screams. "It's too late!"
The words rip from his mouth and lash his father's face. He pales, older than Ben's ever seen him look. He wilts.
"Ben, please," says Chewie. "Get in the car."
He shook his head.
"You're a terrible parent," says Ben. "You've never cared about me. You care about yourself. You care about your job. You care about fun. You—"
"That's a lie!" Dad points his finger at him. He hesitates and then shoves the door open, dashing out of the car. Ben turns to run, but Dad grabs his arm,
"Let me go!"
"No!" Dad squeezes, glaring into his eyes. "I love you, Ben Solo. I'd do anything for you—I miss you—"
They never asked. About what happened. They just assumed. And Uncle Luke never corrected. And he didn't want to try to explain. He'd heard what his father said about him. That kid's headed for trouble.
"I can't believe that anymore," Ben chokes out. I'm never, ever letting my kid feel this way. Never.
Dad's face dissolves. Ben gets in the car, but no one speaks. Ben storms up to his room when he gets home, slamming the door and burying his face in his pillow. Come up here. Come after me.
They won't.
He's no different than Rey, is he? Always waiting. Always hoping. Throwing hissy fits to get them to see him, to get them to acknowledge that he was in pain even if the only way they acknowledged it was punishing him for acting out.
They won't.
They won't help him with Rey, or with Hux. And he's not going to wreck her life. He loves her. If she wants to have the baby—if she wants to have an abortion—either way, it's Rey's story to tell. She's the one who has to live with it.
I have to take care of this.
A knock on his door. Ben doesn't answer.
It cracks open, and the face he sees is the face he did not expect to see. Ben leaps to his feet. "You!"
"Hello, Ben," says Luke Skywalker, arms crossed.
"Gonna burn everything down?" Ben sneers. His heart pounds. This is the last man he wants to see today. This man treats Rey like she's worthless, doesn't care about his mom, used him as a scapegoat—"Blame me for another arson?"
"Ben," says Luke. "I—"
"You ruined my whole life!" Ben screams. "You—"
"You never gave me the chance to explain, Ben! Yes, I'd drawn up those weapons. I was never going to act on it—it was a moment of weakness, of fear—your parents were facing financial hardships then; that's why they sent you to me."
"Bullshit!" All he remembers was them arguing more during that time.
"And I betrayed their trust," Luke says. "I wasn't fired, Ben. I resigned. Because I couldn't live with myself. I thought I could help them, but I'd already decided to burn them before you found them."
"So it's my fault?" Ben yells. "It's always my goddamn fault! Get the fuck out of my room!"
"No," says Luke. "I refuse to give up on you, Ben. You don't have to forgive me."
"If you were sorry," Ben says. "You would have told them the truth. It's not my responsibility to clean up your mess. That fire was—an accident."
"I'm going to do that."
"So what?" Ben asks, holding his hands out. "It's too late. You'll never give me all those years back—"
"You can take what you have now—"
"You're still talking down to me!" Ben shouts. "You're the delinquent piece of shit!"
Luke flinches. "Snoke told you what to look for, didn't he?"
Ben freezes. "So?" he asks. "It was there."
"So, Ben, there are still things at work you don't understand yet—"
"Then tell me!"
"Ben, I—"
"Go away," Ben says. "Go away, go away, just go away!"
And his uncle does. Probably to confess to his parents. Like Ben cares. He watches as a snowflake falls.
It's up to me to fix this. Me. No one else.