Olivia watched her four year old as she took in slow steady breathes. She let her eyes glance at the picture on her daughters bed side table. It used to be on Olivia's but Eleanor needed it more than she did. She picked up the familiar frame and stared at the picture. It was a picture of her and Elliot. It was after they had gotten their first apartment together. They were both beaming from ear to ear. It was one of her favorites. She was staring at the camera and he was staring at her.
Olivia felt the tears begin to prickle against her lashes. She clamped her eyes shut and willed them away. She would do it later when she was sitting in her daughters bedroom. "We miss you everyday," Olivia stated before placing a soft kiss against his smiling face.
The SVU Sargent placed the picture back on the tiny girls night stand before she raised herself gently off of her bed. Once Olivia made her way to the kitchen she grabbed one of her wine glasses out of it's designated cabinets and filled it up with wine. She took a deep breath before grabbing the memory book from the shelf and planting herself on the couch with it. She smiled at the first picture. It was before they started seeing each other, but after they crossed the realm of it's possibility. This picture made her understand why John always said they were disgustingly in love. Even accused her of sleeping with him before that part of the relationship started.
She allowed herself to get lost in his blue eyes. They were the same eyes their daughter had. While Olivia loved their little girl, and she wouldn't trade her for anything, her eyes sometimes broke her heart yet healed it all at once. Eleanore received Olivia's features, olive skin, and brown hair, but she inherited her fathers piercing blue eyes, and short fuse. The little girl was part her and part him. She laughed at the thought of the two butting heads. Then knowing it would never happen she started to cry.
"Mommy, are you sad?" Olivia looked up from the book in front of her and nodded. Her daughter was standing in the door way of her bedroom rubbing her eyes with the back of her hand.
"Yeah, Mommy's a little sad," Olivia said deciding to be honest with her daughter.
"Why?" She asked as she made her way over to the couch her mom was sitting on. Olivia picked up her young mini and held her for a second.
"I just miss your daddy." Olivia kept her arms wrapped around her daughters frame while her head fell into the empty space between her neck and her shoulder.
"I don't know him." Olivia could detect the sadness in her voice.
"Here, lets look at this book together and I will tell you all about him." Olivia grabbed the book and sat it on her daughters lap. "This picture was taken on our first date. I was so nervous we were risking a lot, but let me tell you it was more than worth it."
"You look so pretty, mommy." Olivia smiled before flipping the page. Olivia told a little story with each of the pictures. She focused on the good. She wanted her to love Elliot as much as she did. Though, she knew she would love him short temper and all.
"When do I get to see the pictures of him and me?" Olivia felt her throat begin to close.
"I'm so sorry sweetie. There aren't any. Your daddy passed away before we knew about you. But I'm sure he is up there in Heaven looking down on us. He is with you always."
"Not fair," her daughter pouted.
"It's not, but your daddy was an amazing man. He was so brave and so strong. He put his life on the line to save you, to save me, and to save all the innocent people living in New York."
"You're brave to, mommy. Are you going to leave me too?" As if the small brunette didn't tug on her heartstrings enough she decided to tug some more.
"I don't know, but I promise I will always try my hardest to find my way back to you." Olivia looked down at her watch and let her eyes grow wide. It was a little past midnight. She hadn't realized how late it had become. "Alright little lady lets get you back to bed."
"Mommy, can I sleep with you tonight." Olivia nodded. She wasn't a pushover, but Eleanore didn't snuggle with her often. She was such an independent kid.
"Of course. Come on," Olivia slipped herself underneath the cover and then waited for her daughter to make herself comfortable before lowering the blanket over them. "Night, Ellie. I love you."
"Love you, mommy."
"Rough night? You look tired." Fin asked.
"Yeah, it was a rough night," Olivia decided not to elaborate. She was pretty good about keeping her private life private. While she loved and appreciated all of the men that surrounded her at SVU a part of her shut down after Elliot died. The only thing that got her through his death was the little bean growing inside of her. She needed that small piece of him to exist in the world. That acknowledgement from the universe that everything they shared was real.
"You want to talk about it?" Olivia shook her head. She knew that if he was brought up she would cry. Crying was something she didn't do on the job. It was something she kept to herself.
"Not really. I just want to get to work." He was trying to help. They all were and while she appreciated it, at times it felt as if she were suffocating. Elliot died a little under five years ago. At the time Olivia was about 4 weeks pregnant. Though she didn't know it at the time.
One of her biggest regrets was that he didn't get the chance to know. He didn't get to know that they created such a beautiful little girl together. He didn't get to witness her first steps. He didn't get to hear her say her first words. He didn't get to watch her grow up the same way he got to watch his four other children. Instead Olivia was alone. She got to witness all of Eleanore's milestones without him.
While Elliot couldn't be in Eleanore's life his four oldest children made it a mission to be there. Kathleen was the one who spent the most time with her. She would take her out on little adventures and would just enjoy spending quality time with her. The twins were in high school. They weren't as interested in hanging out with a preschooler, but they had good intentions when ever they did see her. Maureen was busy. She became an advocate for kids as a social worker. She worked a lot of long hours making her free time less than ideal. Though whenever she had time to spare she would try to fit in a little bit of bonding time with her youngest sibling.
"Hey, Olivia. I was wondering if we could talk?" Olivia looked up at her Captain. She nodded before standing up and heading to Cragen's office. Don followed behind her and made sure to shut the door after she made herself comfortable.
"Is something wrong?" She could see the pain behind his eyes. He opened and closed his mouth a few times before going silent. "You are starting to worry me. Is Eleanore okay?" Olivia could begin to fee herself panic. She swiftly lifted her body out of the chair across from Don.
"No, Eleanore is fine. Olivia, please sit down." Olivia did as she was told but she was still a little tense. She wasn't sure what Cragen was about to tell her, but she gripped onto the arms so tightly that her fingers were beginning to turn white. "Olivia, it's about Elliot."
"What about Elliot? He has been gone for almost five years."
"That's the thing Olivia, Elliot is alive." Olivia felt her body freeze.
"No. No he isn't. He died. I planned his funeral, I buried my husband and the father of my child. That's not funny, Cragen."
"Olivia, he has been in protective custody. The last case he was on was a dangerous one. They couldn't release all the details to you because it was still on going. It was a man killing family's. For some reason he became obsessed with Elliot. He began with just stalking him. Scare him into dropping the case, but then he started going after you. He even sent Elliot this picture." Cragen pulled out a photo of her sleeping soundly in the bed she shared with Elliot at the time. She looked up at Cragen with fear in her eyes. "They pretended to move onto a different case completely. While he was working he was shot. He sustained the injuries it said in his report, but the surgeon was able to save him. He didn't succumb to them like you thought."
Olivia could feel her mind racing a million miles a minute. Silence took over the small office as she tried to compartmentalize her feelings. Happiness, confusion, fear, hoplessness, and so many other things she couldn't quite comprehend.
"I don't know what to say." Everything she was feeling was valid. "I'm guessing they caught the guy and that's why i'm being told this?" Cragen nodded.
"Liv, don't feel pressured to see him right away. It's a lot of process. He knows that."
"Does he know about Eleanore?" Cragen shook his head no.
"No, I figured you deserved to be the one to tell him." Olivia furrowed her eye brows as she began to think about their daughter.
"She is going to be so confused. Just last night we spoke about it. It was hard for me Cragen, but it was also hard for her. She won't understand that he had to do what he did to protect us. How am I supposed to explain to her that her dad wasn't dead this entire time?" Olivia began to hyperventilate. She was happy. She really was, but she also had to think of everyone affected by the news he isn't really dead. That the four years they had lived without him was a lie.
"You are her mother, Olivia. You will find the words."
"I want to see him before I tell her. I need to make sure it's him." Cragen couldn't begin to understand what she was feeling. He had lost his wife. He knew the pain it caused.
"I can make that happen. He will be back in New York tomorrow. You can ask him your questions then." Olivia stood up from her chair and made her way to exit the small space. "Olivia, why don't you go home. Take a week just to soak everything in. I'm sure Fin and Munch won't mind." Olivia nodded in response. Her head was reeling and all she wanted to do was lay down.
Alright this is my new story. I know I need to update full house. I've re written the next chapter multiple times, but they never turn out the way I want them too. With that story I'm having writers block. I promise I am still going to finish it out, I just needed to take a small break from it. I did however think of the this story and I think it has potential.