Chapter 2- An Altered Future
"I tell my love to wreck it all
Cut out all the ropes and let me fall
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Right in the moment this order's tall."
-Bon Iver-
My love for her will never diminish. That much is clear. Now that she's in front of me in the flesh, and not some figment of my imagination, I hunger for her even more than I used to. She obviously wants nothing to do with me. It's written all over her face. She won't even look at me. I move to sit next to my lawyer, and when I do, I see something that stops me in my tracks.
Bella's naked left hand is resting on top of a small bump. She's pregnant. She never told me. I turn to leave, because I know I'm about to lose it. I briskly walk down the hallway to the public restroom and lock myself in the handicap stall. I place my head on the door and feel the tears as they slowly move down my cheeks. Bella's pregnant. My entire future is now ruined. Not because I don't want a child, hell, as a pediatric oncologist I love kids, but I won't be having this child with her. She hasn't contacted me thus far, it's obvious she doesn't want me in her life. In a few short months, I've managed to ruin my entire future. I want a baby, I want a family, and most of all, I just want her. Now I'll have nothing.
I take a moment to gain control of myself, before unlocking the restroom door and making my way back to the conference room. God, I wish I could just hold her. I wish I could experience finding out about a pregnancy like most men do. But I suppose most men aren't in my shitty situation. Most men wouldn't have cheated on a woman that they loved. Just thinking about the last time I saw her makes me ill and practically brings me to my knees. Even now, three months later, I can't believe I did that to her. And she must've been pregnant at the time.
"Harder, Edward. Please!"
I move with a single purpose, to fuck the shit out of her and ignore everything else. In her body, I forget. I forget about my problems, I forget about my stress, and I forget about my responsibilites. I'm about to lose myself in her and pretend that I'm a different person. Bella sees me for the man I am, and her friend sees me for everything I'm not.
It doesn't take long for me to come, and when I do and the euphoria wears out, I've realized what I've done. I hear Kate talking underneath me, but, like usual, I barely listen to what she's saying. It's not until I hear a sob coming from across the room that I open my eyes.
When I see her wide, watery brown eyes, my heart stops. I pull out and quickly stand up, pulling my pants up and tucking my dick inside. It's too late to make up excuses, it's too late to do anything, all I can do is look at her and wish I could curl up and die.
"Why?" It's all she says. I think it's all she can say.
"Bella, I-"
"Don't. It won't make it better," she says wiping away a tear. She looks at Kate, who's now sitting up, half naked on the couch. "How could you, Kate?"
"Bella…. I love him."
A bitter laugh escapes my wife's lips. "Well, you two deserve each other." She slips off her wedding ring and throws it at me. I cringe as it clinks against the hardwood floors. I move to follow her, although I know there's no way to explain this. There's no way to hide this anymore. "Don't follow me, Edward," she says, her voice morose.
I reach out and trail my fingers along the curve of her arm before she walks away. What the fuck have I done?
"It's good of you to join us, Mr. Cullen." Bella's lawyer's voice brings me back to reality. I'm in the conference room and they're staring at me. Well, everyone except my wife. She's gazing at her belly and looks as if she's eager to get this over with. She's eager to have me out of her life for good.
I take a seat, unable to take my eyes off of her. "Bella, why didn't you tell me?" I quietly ask.
Her eyes shoot up to meet mine before she gains control of herself and quickly looks away. Although her gaze was fleeting, I still managed to see the pain that wavers in her eyes. She can't hide from me.
Looking toward the door, she responds, "Just because you managed to get me pregnant, doesn't mean you're fit to be a father."
My jaw tenses and I can barely look at her. She knows me. Yes, I fucked up, but I used to be a good man. I used to be everything to her, and she was everything to me. Things changed, I made a horrible mistake, but I'm not a bad person. Am I? Have I truly become something terrible? Something she can't stand to look at? Something she can't fathom having her baby near?
"God, Bella… please. Please don't do what I think you're going to do. Baby, I don't want to get a divorce, I don't want to separate from you. Please, please, please just let me try to make things right again. I want to make this work so badly."
She's silent for several heartbeats, before she quietly responds, "I can't. Not after what happened. Not after what you've done."
"Bella, we have so much to lose. Please, just reconsider. I want you. I want a family. I'd take everything back if I could."
"But you can't," she says with a shaky breath. "You fucked my best friend. She was practically my family. After my parents died her and her sister were all I had left. Now, I have absolutely nothing. Thanks to you."
And I thought I couldn't feel any lower. I thought nothing would make me hate myself more. This does. Kate was like her sister. I did more than ruin our marriage, I ruined the only family she truly had left. Tears fill my eyes and spill over as I look at her, broken before me.
"Bella," I say, reaching my hand across the table for her to take, "You have me. I'm willing to do anything to fix this. I love-"
"Don't say it," she stops me, now looking me dead in the eye. "Don't you dare say that to me." She gasps. "You can't fix this. Everything we had is over. I can't look at you… I can't look at you without thinking about what you did. It makes me feel sick. If you ever loved me, you would let me go."
"I don't want to let you go," I murmur.
"Just this once, think about someone other than yourself."
Her words are a slap to the face. Just this once. What is she talking about? My world revolved around her for years. Since the moment I saw her, she became the pinnacle of my existence and now she thinks I've always been selfish. Has she forgotten who I really am? Or at least, has she forgotten about the man I once was before all of this shit happened. Before I messed everything up.
"You don't want me to know my own child?"
"I want him to have someone to look up to. I can't trust you."
Him. I'm having a son. This wasn't the way I imagined ever finding out. I imagined her telling me in a more… traditional way, I suppose. Maybe she'd surprise me with a pregnancy stick and we'd cry, overwhelmed with the fact that we're months away from being parents. Or maybe she'd play a game with me and would have me guess, Bella always loved doing things like this… But this. Finding out moments before we finalize our divorce. God, this fucking guts me. I know I deserve it. I know if I wasn't such a piece of shit this wouldn't be happening. But I can't help but wish the world would just swallow me fucking whole. I don't know how I'll be able to live with myself after this.
"Bella… he's my son…" I feel like begging. I moments away from getting up, crossing the room, and kneeling beside her, begging her to change her mind. If she's not going to take me back, I pray to God that she'll at least allow me to see my child. I can't lose them both.
"I can't. I'm sorry."
I wipe a few tears away and try not to fall apart in front of her. If she wants me to go, I guess it's all I can do. I've already hurt her enough. But, I want to fight for my son. I want to fight for her. I want to kill to be able to go back in time and change everything. I want a different life.
"Are you ready to precede?" her lawyer questions.
She nods, and I sink in my seat. Now I see what the change is. I'll be a father and I won't be in my son's life. I deserve this. I welcome the pain. Although, I wish the pain I'm feeling could assuage Bella's. However, I know we'll both be hurting for a long time.