Chapter 3- Fantasies of a Different Life

"I told you to be patient

I told you to be fine

I told you to be balanced

I told you to be kind

In the morning I'll be with you

But it will be a different kind

'Cause I'll be holding all the tickets

And you'll be owning all the fines."

-Bon Iver-

I take the next few days off from work. I'm not sure if I could go in like this. I certainly don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want anyone to see me. I feel so raw… so used… so unlike myself. I don't recognize the man I am anymore. This certainly wasn't what I imagined for my life. A future without Bella, it feels like a future without hope. I've stayed in bed all morning, not wanting to face the day. Each day that passes makes everything feel so real. I've spent months without her after she discovered Kate and I, but this feels different. I feel like I'm missing a part of myself. She's like a phantom limb. I can feel her presence but I'm truly alone.

Before we parted, I tried to kiss her. I was such a fucking fool. I just wanted to feel her one last time. I wanted to erase Kate from my lips. Kate was the last woman I kissed but all I wanted was to taste my wife, was to remember her lips on mine, so I'd be able to carry that sensation with me. She pushed me away. I can't blame her. I wish I could be rid of me, too.

"Do you have a picture of him?"

Bella looks at me for a moment. Her eyes filled with sadness and goodbye. She goes through her purse and after a moment, she produces a sonogram picture. With a shaky hand, I take it, and trace the first image of my son with my fingers. He barely looks like anything, but he's mine. I watch a drop of water hit the photograph, and it takes me a moment to realize that I'm crying.

"Bella, please-"

"I'm moving. I thought you should know. That's why I liquidated all of my share of our assets."

She's moving? She hasn't any family anywhere, where could she move too?

"I moving to Washington to be closer to Alice," she says, answering my unspoken question. "Alice is really the only friend I have left and she wanted to help me with the baby."

"You're leaving Chicago?" I ask in disbelief.

"I can't stay here. There are too many memories. I need to go, Edward."

She'll be completely out of my reach. Her and our son. I'll never get to see him if he moves. My career is here in the city. "Bella… please don't do this. I want to be part of his life. I want to see him." I want to see you.

She looks toward the door and and her once bright eyes fill with tears. "I can't even look at you. Do you really want to continue to hurt me? Please, just let me go. Let me move on."

"This is what you want? You want to flee to Washington state?"

"I have no ties here."

Her words hurt more than she could ever imagine. However, I doubt they come close to injuring me like I injured her. I hurt the one person I loved.

You always hurt the ones you love. One way, or another. I let her down. I destroyed her. I don't deserve anything. I lay in bed and stare at the ceiling, imagining what my life would be like right now if I had made different choices. I'd probably be in this bed with my wife, discussing plans for our new life as parents. We'd probably be talking about cribs and baby clothes, and how we would tell our friends and family. I would've been happy-we would have been happy-and I would feel whole.

Apparently life isn't that simple. I wasn't satisfied with what I had, and now I have nothing. Now I dream of a life I took for granted. Isn't it strange? Now that she's gone she's all I see. I sit up and wipe the sleep from my face. I get out of bed, although I don't see the point. Besides work, what do I have to look forward to? An empty day? An empty life? I trudge into my kitchen with my head down, not wanting to look at all the photographs I haven't had the heart to take down. If I took down my wedding photos, I'd feel as though I were really alone. I'm not ready to accept this. Not yet. I brew a pot of coffee and move toward my kitchen table, where I've set the sonogram of my son in the center.

I pick it up and hold it close. He might be the only part of Bella I'll ever have. I love him already. Despite Bella's feelings, this life was created from our love. I was a bastard, I fucked up, but I loved her, truly loved her, but disliked her at the same time. I was lost and I felt like she wasn't present. Didn't care about my feelings. When she wasn't there, Kate was, and it was all too easy. It's no excuse, but it's all I have. The baby is ours. It's a beautiful thing that came from my time with Bella. I love you, little guy. I'd give anything to be with you. Setting the sonogram down, I put my head in my hands.