Chapter 4- Time Moves Forward but I Remain the Same

"Come on skinny love what happened here

Suckle on the hope it lite brassiere

My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my

Sullen load is full, so slow on the split."

-Bon Iver-

A month has passed and nothing in my life has changed. I miss my wife. I miss my old life. And I miss the life growing inside of her. I wonder how much longer I'll last. Everything just seems so… pointless. Work is the only thing that keeps me going, and while friends have reached out to me, all I've wanted was peace and quiet. I just want to deal with this alone.

Kate had tried to contact me. We had a falling out after Bella saw us together. I once thought I could love a woman like Kate, but I never loved her, I just loved the way she was making me feel. She was feeding into my every desire, telling me everything I needed to hear at the time. I wonder if she knew it. I wonder if she could sense how weak and fucking desperate I was. She doesn't seem like a malevolent person, but she was Bella's friend, not mine. After vomiting on her floor and pulling myself together-somewhat-I broke things off with her. I needed to fix things with my wife and as soon as my life had been threatened with Bella, it's like the veil was pulled away. Any feelings I had toward Kate suddenly were revealed to be nothing. I hadn't loved her. Hell, I barely cared about her. As callous as it sounds, she was convenient. She gave me what I wanted, but our relationship was shallow-meaningless. I threw my relationship with my wife away for a woman I didn't care about.

"But, I thought we had something. We love each other, Edward."

"I don't love you," I say with conviction. I need to go after my wife, I don't have time for this.

"But you said-"

"Kate, I've been so lost. Don't make this to be something it wasn't."

"Why did we do this if I didn't mean anything to you? Why would you risk so much if you don't love me?"

"This was a mistake."

"Edward… we've been together for months, I've never been happier. Bella knows now. Everything can be all right for us now."

"I'm in love with my wife, Kate. I can't lose her."

She snorts in disbelief. "You've been fucking me and now you're worried about her?"

"I'm sorry," I say lamely. "But I need to go find her."

"Go, but when she tosses you to the curb for what you've done-which she will-I know you'll be coming back to me."

"I won't," I say with certainty. "I can't."

A tear runs down her cheek before she gives me a mirthless smile and turns away. "Go then."

I don't know what she wants from me now, but I know I want nothing from her. I've caused enough hurt. I just need to be alone, for everyone's sake. With each day that goes by, all I think about is my son. I daydream about what she must be doing. She's probably going to doctor's appointments and decorating a nursery. I wonder if she's still as broken as she was the last time I saw her. I hope not. I hope she's able to find some bit of happiness. I hope my actions haven't completely destroyed her.

I wonder what she'll name our son. Maybe she'll name him after her father, because she's always talked about wanting to do that. If only I knew when we were talking about baby names in the past, that she'd end up choosing one on her own. What I wouldn't give to be able to take care of her right now. I always planned on treating her like a princess when she was pregnant with our child. Now, she's doing it alone. And I'm here in Chicago, completely and utterly useless. I hope she'll get in contact with me so I can be there for my son's birth. Now that Bella's out of my life, I'm certain this will be the only child I ever have. I'm thirty and I can't see myself ever getting married again. I always thought I'd get married just once, and now that Bella is gone, I can't imagine finding a woman who captured my heart like she did. In fact, I know I won't. Her and our son consume my whole heart, and I know there's no room for anyone else. I can deal with being alone. Maybe I'm no good for anyone. If I can't be good for Bella, who can I be good for?

A/N: I think FF is acting weird, because I can't respond to any reviews. I'd just like to say a big 'thank you' to anyone who's reading this story! It's always nerve wrecking to post something for the very first time. I'm seriously thankful to anyone who's reading it. I've had this story on my mind for a while and I thought no one would really like or care about it, but I'm happy to see that some people do. So, thank you!