Chapter 6- Charlie Anthony Swan
"Who will love you?
Who will fight?
Who will fall far behind?"
-Bon Iver-
I received a text from Emmett as soon as I sit down to have dinner. Like usual, I have my television turned on to some random sitcom so I don't feel as though I'm truly alone. This has become a habit since Bella left. I get carry-out and a case of beer and sit by myself at the dinner table, watching television as a means of distracting myself. When I was married, I used to love the time I spent with Bella at this dining room table. It was the time we could open up about our days and vent if we needed to. Now, everything is so different. As sad as it is, I barely recognize my own life.
Here's a photo from Facebook. Charlie Anthony Swan.
With shaky fingers, I open the attachment. Tears prick my eyes as soon as I see his face. He's so beautiful and so small. Smaller than I imagined. His eyes are closed in the picture, and I wonder if they're green like mine or brown like Bella's. I hope he has her eyes. I hope he looks just like his mother. I trace his features with my finger, wishing I was there to see him in real life. I wipe away a few tears and stare at the picture as if I was hoping for it to animate in front of my eyes.
I can't believe I'm a father. I can't believe a part of Bella and I exist in this world. Although I've never met Charlie, I love him. I can only imagine what Bella must be feeling at this moment, as she holds our son in her arms. I wonder if she's thinking of me. I wonder if she wishes that I was there. Probably not. I'm sure she's happy to be rid of me. I wonder what my son would think of me when he's old enough to have an opinion. When he's old enough to know what I did. I hope he never finds out. Although, I do hope that if I never get the chance to meet him, Bella will tell him about me. I hope she'll tell him the good things, that is, if she even remembers them after everything that I did.
I save the picture to my phone and make it my background. I stare at the picture for a long time, before returning my gaze to my untouched meal. I don't have an appetite anymore. All I can think about is my son, and the fact that I'm not there to meet him. I already regret every one of my horrible choices and never thought I could hate myself more. I do now.
I could be with her right now. I could be having a family. But instead, I'm in my house all alone wishing things could be different. I quickly thank Emmett, begging him to send me more pictures as they come. I wonder if Bella will ever reach out to me about Charlie? I wonder if she'll even send me a picture of him, or if Emmett will be my only connection to my son. That thought makes me sad. If Bella doesn't reach out, I'll have no hope of ever seeing him. Unless I find out where she lives and just show up, demanding to see him. I know I have rights, but I couldn't do that to her. As much as I want to meet Charlie, I don't want to harm her any more. If she needs time, I'll give it to her, regardless of how much it hurts. I hate being without her, but it's not about me anymore. It's been about me for too long.
I don't know what my future holds. Everyday feels like an out of body experience because I honestly can't believe this is actually my life. All I have is hope. I want to meet Charlie one day. I want him to know that I love him. That I would be there everyday if I could. My affair has cost me so much. Not only has it ruined my past and present, it's also ruined my future. I missed my son's birth because of Kate. No… I can't blame her. Kate participated, but I was the one who ruined my life. I made the choices and I'll have to live the mistakes.
I unlock my phone and look at my son's picture. "I love you, Charlie," I say to my empty living room.