"Someway, baby, it's part of me, apart from me

You're laying waste to Halloween

You fucked it friend, it's on its head, it struck the street

You're in Milwaukee, off your feet."

-Bon Iver-

I feel like I can never get enough of her. Just feeling her against me like this sends a shiver down my spine. She grabs my ass and urges me to fuck her like I haven't done in months. I can't remember the last time she seemed so uninhibited, so carefree, so gorgeous. As she moans beneath me, she looks happy and my heart can't help but swell with pride as I realize I'm what's causing her to feel this way.

"I love you," I murmur against her lips as we come together.

I roll off of her and pull her body against mine. She's so soft, so perfect. My Bella. As the euphoria dissipates, reality begins to sink in. Fear settles in my stomach as I think of what the future has in store for us. If she ever found out… God, I don't even want to think about it. I hate myself so much already, I couldn't imagine how I would feel if she knew.

I want to protect her from the truth. I want to protect her from me, one of the people who's actively hurting her. I didn't feel guilty at first, because I had believed that she didn't care, but now… now that she's back to her normal self, now that our lives our back on track, I want the world to swallow me whole. What the fuck am I going to do now? Maybe I could get us as far away from Chicago as possible. I could take her away and she could never find out…

"What's wrong?" she asks, raising her head from my chest to get a better look at me.

"What do you mean?"

"You feel tense," she comments as she reaches up to run a hand through my hair.

I sigh, grabbing her hand and bringing her palm to my mouth to kiss. "I'm fine, Bella. Work has just been stressing me out."

"Well, after you finish your residency maybe we can go somewhere? A little vacation to celebrate."

"Are you sure that you can manage that?" Since she got a job as a visiting professor at a community college nearby, that's all she cares about. I understand, teaching English has always been a dream of hers, but I wish she made some time for something else. "You're always so busy, sweetheart."

"Well, the semester will be over soon…" she trails off, blushing. "I just want to spend some time with you. Some alone time. I feel like we haven't gotten enough of that lately."

A wistful smile tugs on my lips as she speaks. What the fuck have I done? "I'd go anywhere with you," I say, the pit in my stomach growing larger.

She smiles at me, satisfied with my answer. "I love you," she says with a yawn.

"I love you, too," I whisper as I watch her fall asleep on my stomach.

I startle awake, my eyes darting around the dark room and finding that I'm alone. Tears prick my eyes and my heart beats erratically in my chest as I remember my dream. It all felt so fucking real. I remember that night with her, mere days before she found out the truth. I had been so happy with her. I never wanted to leave that bed, because I knew leaving that bed would mean facing reality. Facing what I'd done. I swallow the lump in my throat and sit up in bed, rubbing the sleep from my eyes before sliding off the mattress to grab a glass of water. I can't go back to sleep right now. Not after a dream like that.

I manage to make it to my kitchen, despite being half asleep and completely disorientated. I grab a bottle of water from the fridge and walk into my living room, where I collapse on the couch. Sitting in the dark, I wonder why I've stayed here. This is the home I shared with Bella, and now that she's gone it just feels empty, and yet, I can't bring myself to leave. I hold onto this house as though it's the last piece of her I have left. We bought this home together, hoping to one day have a family and the whole white-picket fence, American dream. I shake my head at the thought and a bitter laugh escapes my throat. If only I knew then how much of a fuck up I'd turn out to be.

My gaze scans the room, where pictures of her and I still hang from my walls. Another thing I felt uncomfortable about taking down. Sometimes when I look at these pictures, I can pretend. I can pretend I'm still married. I can pretend I'm still the man I once thought I was. The type of man who wouldn't have hurt someone he loved. The type of man who was someone you could count on for anything. Now, I don't know who I am, and I think that's what scares me the most. I've spent the last decade of my life with Bella, practically formed part of my identity around her, and now that she's gone, I begin to question everything about myself.

Rising to my feet, I cross the room and look at the one picture that hurts the most. We're so young and so happy. It was taken a few years ago, but it feels like a lifetime has passed since then. She's dressed in white, her veil pulled back away from her face, as she stares up at me like I'm the only person in the world, and I look down at her, eyes filled with love and contentment. Maybe I should take this one down. It feels so wrong to look at it now, almost sacrilegious in a way. Although I try, I can't pull my gaze away. She's always been so captivating. I miss her smiling face. I miss the way she used to look at me. I miss the way she used to be my best friend.

I return to bed, and as I lay staring at my ceiling in the dark, I think of my son and how he must need me. Well, maybe that's wishful thinking. Maybe he doesn't need me. But I need him. I want to be in his life more than anything. I've given Bella her space, but I can't do this for the rest of my life. I can't compromise my relationship with Charlie. I know she hates me, but I've got to try. I've done everything wrong I could possibly do, I've fucked up in every way possible, but I still love her and I still want her. She was my best friend, she is the love of my life, and now she's the mother of my child. I can't throw in the towel and give up on myself. I know we're broken-beyond broken, maybe we're shattered to the point where none of the pieces make sense together anymore-but I still have a reason to try. I may have ruined my relationship with Bella for the rest of our lives, but I want a relationship with my son. Even if he grows to loathe me for what I've done.