Chapter 8- Goodbye to an Old Life

"And at once I knew I was not magnificent

Strayed above the highway aisle

Jagged vacance, thick with ice

And I could see for miles, miles, miles."

-Bon Iver-

I turn around to take one final look at the home that once had so much promise. I've spent the past few weeks trying to let go, but I still feel tethered to this place because it holds so many wonderful memories for me… as well as many bad ones. However, I'm tired of the restless nights. I'm tired of never being able to sleep because I'm imagining Bella at my side. Everywhere I look, I'm faced with a memory. Every inch of this house reminds me of Bella and the time I shared with her. I feel guilty even thinking about her. What right do I have to mop? I did this to my fucking self and now I want to drag my feet and play the victim. It's pathetic.

Sometimes, I've thought about how easy it would be to just end it all. I've messed up my life beyond repair and I can barely recognize the man I see in the mirror every morning. That is, when I actually have the courage to view my reflection. I can barely my eye contact with myself without feeling fucking nauseous. Without thinking, "What have you done, you piece of shit?". Moving out of this home will be freeing, regardless of how frightened I am to let it go.

I need to move forward. I can't live in the past and rut in my mistakes. That won't make my life better. Sometimes I think nothing ever will. Regardless of what happens for here on out, I'll never be the man I once was. At most, I'll be a shell of him. A shell of a fucking loser. I'll never be happy like I was before and there's no way I can turn back time and change all of the things that I've done. I want to become a better man, but the only thing I truly want is out of my reach. Even if I change, I'll never get Bella back. She'll never love me again. Not the way she used to. I'm sure she'll never be the same either. My mistake has scared us both. We'll never be the people we were before.

"I know I keep on asking, but a man's got to try."

I see Bella smile before she rolls her eyes at me. "Edward, like I said before, I don't know if I'm ready for anything right now. I mean I just transferred here and I barely have my classes under control…" She trails off, cringing at her half-assed excuse.

I don't get it, she seems so into me one second and the next she's worrying about everything and coming up with countless reasons why we shouldn't be together. If only she'd give me a chance, she'd see how wrong she is about me. I can be good for her.

"Bella, I'm not asking you to spend the rest of your life with me, I'm just asking you on one date," I respond, trying to sound persuasive.

"One? Only one?" Bella challenges as she rests her pile of textbooks on the hood of her beat up truck.

"Just agree to go out with me once, and if things don't go well between us, I promise to leave you alone."

She gives me an once over and sighs, resting her back against her car door. "I guess they are probably a ton of girls that would be dying for this opportunity," she teases, before finally telling me what I've longed to hear. "One date."

I smile so hard, my cheeks hurt. "You won't regret it, Bella. I swear."

I shake the memory away. Tears prick my eyes and I grip my last piece of luggage as I glance around my bare living room. Gone are the photographs of Bella and I, gone are any remnants of the memories we once had here together, and gone is any warmth that was once felt in this house. I swallow the lump in my throat and turn around, closing the door behind me.

I keep my eyes trained on the ground in front of me as I walk to my car. I don't know if I have the courage to turn and give the exterior of my home a final goodbye. I remember how fucking optimistic I was when I bought this place. I purchased it as a surprise wedding gift to Bella and never in a million years had I imagined leaving it behind this way.

"Edward?" I hear a soft, familiar voice question, pulling me from my thoughts.

I hesitate, before looking up. This is the last thing I need right now. I just want to get the hell out of town and leave all of this crap behind me. "Kate," I say, my voice dripping with formality as I breeze past her. As selfish as it is for me to completely dismiss her, I just want to forget about all of this. And what would one more selfish thing really do? Make me a shittier person? I doubt it.

"So, you're leaving?" It's more of a statement than a question. "You were going to leave and say nothing to me. After all that we've been through?"

I turn around to look at her. She looks exactly like I remembered-although, I don't know why I had imagined any different. With flawlessly styled long blonde hair, a tight outfit, and freshly tanned skin, she looks beautiful. But despite that, she doesn't affect me the way she once did. When I look at her now I feel… nothing. She's just terrible reminder of what I've done. I couldn't stomach the thought of being intimate with her ever again.

"Kate, we had an affair and now that chapter of our life is over. Let's be adults about this and move on."

A bitter laugh escapes her lips, but I can see the hurt swimming in her eyes. "I don't understand how you could just dismiss me like this. You told me that you loved me-"

"I never told you that," I quickly cut her off.

"You did… once. Maybe you hadn't meant it, but it meant something to me. Edward, we risked everything so we could be together, and now that you're free and we can finally have each other, you want nothing to do with me."

"Free," I mutter the word with a snort. If this is what 'freedom' feels like I don't fucking want it. "Kate, what we had together was a mistake. It shouldn't have ever happened. You have to move on. I'm not the man for you, Kate."

"I love you. I don't understand why you won't try."

I take a deep breath, growing frustrated with her, although, I know I shouldn't. I know I'm being a shit. We took advantage of each other, neither of us were innocent parties in this transaction, and I used her and dumped her without a second thought.

"I'm sorry, Kate," I finally say, truly meaning it. "I have a son. I have to leave."

I wait for a look of disbelief and shock to appear on her face, but it doesn't. In fact, she's composed as ever. It's like this isn't news to her at all. Maybe it's not. Taking a step forward, I ask, "Did you know about Bella's pregnancy? We you two still talking after-after everything that happened?"

Her features grow tense and she says nothing. My entire body shuts down as my mind reels with possibilities of what her silence could mean. Taking another, more agitated step toward her, I ask, "You must've talked to her after our separation. You couldn't have known otherwise…"

"I knew about it," she quietly admits, unable to meet my gaze.

"How long have you known?" I don't know why I ask. The answer is obvious. But I just want to hear her say it.

She takes a deep breath and looks me squarely in the eye as she replies, "She told me a few days before you two broke up."

I can feel my body begin to shake as it feels like my entire world is falling apart. She knew? She fucking knew? There's something she's not telling me. I feel that there's something more. "What is it, Kate? Why are you looking at me like that?"

"I knew if you found out about the baby, you would leave me. I would have no chance with you," she rambles out, her blue eyes filling with tears. "I didn't want her to find out that way… but she deserved to know. She was having your baby. She was so happy when she told me about it, and I knew that she needed to know the truth."

All I can do is stare at her. I can't fucking move. I can't fucking think. I can't even speak even though I'm dying to scream at her.

"I'm sorry, Edward. But she was going to find out sooner or later."

I stare at her for a heartbeat, before finally asking, "So, you got her to come to your apartment so she could watch me fuck you?"

She cringes at the anger in my voice and takes a step away from me. "What do you want me to say?"

I shake my head in disbelief. "Kate… God, I had no idea you could stoop so fucking low."

"Really? You're going to criticize me? She was your wife, your family and you're going to just sit back and play the victim? You were a willing participant, Edward. Sure, I got her to drop by, but you're the one who was fucking me. She could've walked in on us having a conversation, or watching TV, but you were the one who fucked me on that couch."

"Please," I say with a bitter laugh, "you spent the hour before that happened seducing me, so you knew damned well what was going to happen." I have to go. I don't want to waste another second with Kate. "Look, I'm out of here. What we had is over. So, stop trying to contact me, stop believing that there is any chance of us having something together. There's not. There never was."

"I lost my friend because of this, Edward."

"And I lost my wife and my child," I spit in return. "If you ever 'loved' me, Kate, you would leave me be," I tell her, repeating the same words Bella had told me on several occasions before I finally stopped calling her and gave her the space she needed.

Kate nods and stays silent. I get in my car without another word. I want to scream at her, asking how the fuck she could put me in that position, how the hell she could do that to Bella. However, I'm too emotionally drained to say anything. I just want to leave Chicago and put all of this behind me. This city had once held so many amazing memories for me, and now it just makes me feel sick. I'm looking forward to a new beginning in Washington. I've finished my residency and found a position near Bella's town and maybe, just maybe, I'll be able to have a relationship with my son.

I throw my car and drive and back out of my driveway, saying goodbye to Kate, my home, and this city. I can't wait to get to Washington. I can't wait to see Charlie. I know there will be plenty of battles ahead of me, but moving forward is all I can do.

A/N: Hey, thanks for pointing out the name mistake last chapter! I went back and fixed it! I must've been really tired when I was writing that! Thanks for reading and please review!