"This is my excavation and to
Day is Qumran
Everything that happens is from now on
This pouring rain
This is paralyzed."
-Bon Iver-
"Love conquers all." I've heard this phrase countless times, and yet, I'm not sure how truthful it actually is. Love didn't conquer my desires. Love didn't conquer my need to self destruct. Love sure as hell didn't help me stay in the relationship with a woman who was my best friend. Still, after all these months, I can't wrap my head around all that I've lost. I wonder if these wounds will ever heal, or if I'll just learn to live with them, hoping that one day they'll turn into scars-something bearable.
My trip to Washington consists of excitement and fear. I'm excited to see my son-get a chance to hold him for the very first time, but I'm terrified to see Bella again. What if I hurt her beyond repair? I wouldn't be able to live with myself. I can barely stand myself as it is, if I saw the pain she's going through, knowing that I caused it, would cause me to fall to pieces. I don't know if I can face her, but I know I can't act like the fucking coward I've been this past year of my life. I can only blame myself and look at my own actions to find where this all went wrong. I've been struggling, I've been wanting to hurt myself, but that gave me no reason to take anyone down with me. I pulled Bella into my problems without a second thought, and now we will all suffer the consequences. How I wish I could bear all of this shit alone. With a child now, Bella has too much in her life to worry about, and I'd do anything to carry the weight for her.
I pop a lithium before the plane lands, hoping that today will show something of promise. I'll spend this first week getting settled, before I start my job at a local hospital. It's a small job, but it's good for me, and it's close to Bella and our son. They're why I'm here and they're the only thing that matters. I haven't contacted Bella at all, too worried that she'd bolt or do something rash if I told her my plains. Through Emmett, I found where she's living and moved a comfortable distance away from her two bedroom apartment. I plan on visiting her as soon as I get settled. But what could I say? How could I go about it casually? If she stayed in Chicago, I could've acted as if I bumped into her out of mere coincidence. However, there's no way I could pull something like that now. I flew across the country to see her and our son, there's no pretending otherwise.
I try to imagine the expression she'll have on her beautiful face when she sees me again. It stings knowing that whatever the expression is, it won't be love. An expression I'd grown used to and took for granted over the years. Sometimes, you never notice the love sparkling in someone's eyes until it's no longer there. Then, you realize how depressing it is to meet their gaze without that love swimming in its depths. I've destroyed and disappointed her in every possible way, and I'm sure that's going to be what is reflecting in her eyes. Maybe I just won't look, although, I know I'll be too curious to avoid it. Hell, I don't care how she looks at me, I just want her to look at me again. She could scream at me all night, and I wouldn't mind, because I just want to be around her again. I just want to hear her voice and inhale her familiar scent of freesias and vanilla.
The first night in Washington is, of course, a lonely one. I get settled into my studio apartment-which doesn't take long due to my lack of decorations and the fact that the place comes furnished-before ordering take-out. While the place is nice, it doesn't feel like a home. The only personal aspect of it, is the framed picture of Charlie I placed on the bookshelf beside my TV set. It's not even an actual photograph, but a picture I printed off Facebook onto computer paper and framed. How pathetic is that? Nonetheless, it's my prized possession. Until, of course, I take a picture of him myself.
It's exhilarating, knowing he's close and I could meet him any day now. I can't wait to hold him for the first time and hear the sound of his little voice. I wonder if he's shy and bashful like his mother. I hope so. I hope he's just like Bella. Coloring and all.
As I eat my Chinese, I wonder how I should approach this situation. I don't want to just appear on her doorstep, but I can't seem to think of a better way. She's working as an editor from home-or at least that's what Emmett has told me-so, there's no way I could just run into her outside of her job. I very well can't just roam around town hoping I run into them. Whatever I do, I hope to do it with a little finesse. After everything I've done to Bella, I don't want to impose and hurt her any further, but I have to see my son. While he's only a few months old, I still feel like I've missed so much of his life already. I don't want to miss any more.
Once I reach them, I don't think Bella would keep me away from Charlie, despite how much she hates me. She's not vindictive and she wouldn't want to hurt her son by keeping me from him. She's always been selfless. Which makes what I did to her that much worse. I was a self-serving, self-destructive bastard and she was the beautiful girl who always believed in me, despite my faults. The beautiful girl who had no idea how badly I could hurt her. Hell, I had no idea either. I still can't wrap my mind around all of the things I've done. I hope see can forgive my sins enough to allow me to spend time with Charlie. I don't need her forgiveness for everything, just whatever she's willing to give. And even that, feels like I'm asking far too much. I'm sure no act of atonement will ever be enough, but I can try.