"I keep throwing it down, two

Hundred at a time

It's hard to find it when you knew it

When your money's gone

And you're drunk as hell."

-Bon Iver-

As the leaves change I feel like I'm born again. The new scenery has worked wonders. I'm not surrounded by memories and I feel as though I can finally breathe again. Life isn't easy. Not even close. Even in Washington she haunts me. However, it's not as horrid here as it was for me in Chicago. Everywhere I looked I would see my Bella. A sight would trigger a memory and before I knew it, I would feel even more lost. I would live my entire life around avoiding things that would remind me of her. But everything reminded me of her. Washington is better. Washington means new possibilities for me, where Chicago was the place that all my hopes and dreams died.

I still don't know what I'll do when I see Bella again. What could I possibly say to assuage her pain? Nothing. I know there's nothing I can say. It's going to be hard to even look at her, knowing what I did. Hell, I can barely look at my own reflection. How am I going to face her? How am I going to face my son? I want to see him more than anything, but I can't help but feel that all I'll see is guilt. When I look at his little face, I'll think about the things I did to tear our family apart. Nothing I did was worth it, but then again, I never thought it would be. I used Kate because I needed… something. Something I couldn't seem to find in my relationship with Bella. I don't know what I was searching for. Attention? A spark? I have no idea. All I know is I've never regretted anything more.

It's something I have to live with every day. One would think that the pain gets easier, that after a while it doesn't stab you like it once did, but it doesn't. It's a grief I can't seem to overcome. I suppose it's because I know I'm the one who's at fault. I'm the person who destroyed something that was so beautiful. I'm the monster and I'm living my own personal nightmare. How can I face Bella again when I can barely gaze at my own reflection in the mirror. All I find in the depths of my eyes is pain and exhaustion, and I'm sure Bella will find that as well. I'm exhausted of this life. In all honesty, I feel like Charlie saved me. Without him, I don't know if I'd still be here, because what would be the use of trying to put up with myself. I'd be alone in this world if it weren't for him. That's another reason why I love him so much. He saved me without knowing that he did so. I can't wait to hold him in my arms for the first time.

I wonder how he'll feel-how he'll react to me. I wonder if he'll know that I'm his father straight away. I wonder if it's one of those instinctual things. I'm sure he'll have me wrapped around his little finger from the first moment that I see him. I'd give up anything for him. Since I've arrived in Washington, I have yet to seek Bella and my son out. Fear keeps me from doing so. I have their address; Bella lives in a small flat across town. I just haven't been able to muster the courage to go. The thought of seeing Bella again is both exciting and crippling. I haven't grown used to living without her. Our divorce feels like it happened just yesterday. I haven't taken a single step in the direction of moving past it all. I've remained stagnant, allowing my guilt to keep me from accomplishing much.

The fact that work has been going well is a complete surprise. I feel like I'm walking through every day like an utter zombie. However, I can lose myself in my job. It feels good to help others. It makes me feel like I'm making up for my defects. Like if I save enough people I will no longer be this monster I feel like I've become. I don't know if it'll tip the scales though. I don't know if anything will. I destroyed the one thing that mattered to me. Bella. She had mattered to me more than anything for such a long time. For years she had been my sun, my moon, and my stars. She brightened every day and managed to make me laugh when nothing else could. And I threw that away like it was nothing. Going home to my empty apartment can be unbearable. Especially now that I'm in a new town with no friends to occupy my time. I have a few colleagues at work I like a great deal, but I can't see myself having a beer with them. It's hard to have a good time in general.

A few months after Bella left, and I was feeling particularly low in Chicago, I went out with some friends and ended up taking a woman home with me from the club we were at. I was drunk, and she reminded me of Bella. She had a sweet face and dark brown hair… I fucked her from behind so I could pretend it was my wife. I sunk to a new low. It's like I lost the real thing and I was searching for some replacement, so I could pretend for a night. After I got off, I sent the girl home. Well, scared her off would be a more accurate description. She commented on a photo of Bella and me I had framed on my bedside table, asking me if I was married or in a relationship. She was holding the picture, and something about it just set me off. My hopes of playing "make-believe" were shattered and I realized Bella was gone and I had just hooked up with some random woman. I yanked the photo out of the woman's hands and scared her off. After she left, I took a long shower, where I just sat on the shower floor and stared off into space. Thinking of Bella and everything I had fucking lost.

That night was really the last time I tried to have a "good time." I realized going out only made me feel worse. It only made me realize how incredibly lonely I was. I just wanted something… companionship… friendship… something. I just wanted to be in love again. I just wanted to see Bella. Even if she just spent hours screaming at me and calling me every terrible name imaginable. I would prefer a night like that, in her company, to anything else.

Maybe tonight I should call her. I've been in town weeks and I've been too nervous to fucking say anything. I need to see Charlie. I've already missed so much of his life already. I don't want to miss anything else. Even if I rarely see him, I'll be happy. When I'm with him and Bella, maybe I can play make-believe again. Maybe I can pretend that I have this wonderful family. Maybe I can pretend that I don't hate myself.

Pulling out my phone, I dial the one number I've been staring at for such a long time. My heart catches in my throat as I listen to it ring, waiting to hear Bella's sweet voice on the phone. Sometimes, when I'm feeling especially alone, I'll listen to old voicemails she's left me over the years. I'm so thankful that I didn't delete any of them. Hearing the sound of her sweet, musical voice always calms me down. I can't say I'm happy after listening to them, but it's nice to have something of her after all this time.

I'm so lost in thought, I barely notice when the phone has stopped ringing. I hear Bella say, "hello," and I can't seem to manage a response.