"I've been twisting to the sun
I needed to replace
And the fountain in the front yard is rusted out
All my love was down
In a frozen ground."
-Bon Iver-
Jittery fingers trail through my hair, trying desperately to tame it. My heart is racing in my chest and I can't seem to calm it down, no matter how hard I try. I'm going to meet my son today. Finally, I'm going to see Charlie. My jaw grows tense and tears prick my eyes as I stare at my reflection in the mirror. The bastard is smiling at me-looking happy for once in his pathetic life. When was the last time I was happy? Truly happy? God, I can't even remember.
I catch a tear before it has the chance to trail down my cheek. Today, I will hold my son for the very first time. God, I love him so fucking much already. He's my entire world, and we've never met. I hope he's just as beautiful as his mother is. I hope he has her kind eyes and wonderful temperament. He's probably all that I'll ever have left of her-of our relationship. I can't believe that after everything I've done, Bella has given me this incredible gift. I know I don't deserve it.
I run my hands over the non-existent wrinkles in my button up shirt, before taking one hard look in the mirror. I don't like what I see, but then again, I'm not sure I ever will. I can't look at myself without seeing a monster. I hurt the one person I loved more than anything, and now I can barely meet my own gaze. I wonder if Bella will find looking at me just as difficult. That is, if she can look at me at all. God, I wish I could turn back time. I would change everything. I can't go a moment without meditating on what I once had. Bella haunts me everyday. And today, I'll finally see her again. A moment which I've been waiting for, for so long.
I let out a shaky exhale and turn away from the mirror. You can do this, Edward. Go and see your son. Be happy for once. I pull out my phone and stare at Bella's new address. She's only twenty minutes away from my house. So close, yet so far away. I dart out of my apartment, eager to get to her home early. I want her to know how serious I am about being a father. I want her to know that I'd do anything to be in Charlie's life. I've taken so much for granted in the past, but I'll never take my son for granted. He'll be the one redeeming thing in my life. I'll pour all of my love into Charlie. I may have fucked up as a husband, but I won't fuck up as a father.
The drive is silent. I'm far too wound up to listen to music. The only sounds I hear come from my GPS and the traffic around me on the highway. I drum on my steering wheel to an unknown beat while I try to come up with something to say to Bella. If I wouldn't look like a complete ass for doing it, I'd throw myself at her feet and beg for her forgiveness. I'd let her hit me, scream at me, and do whatever she wanted, because I'd just be happy that she was talking to me at all. She could hate me for all I care, I just want to be near her. I just want to see her beautiful face and hear her sweet voice again.
Bella lives in a nice apartment complex on the edge of town. As drive past the gates, I find a small playground and tennis court. There are kids everywhere playing with their parents. I smile. It's perfect for my son. While these children are older than Charlie, I hope that one day, they could become his friends. I hope Charlie grows up having tons of kids to play with-I hope he grows up to be happy.
I park outside of Bella's building and take a deep breath. This is finally happening. I can't believe it. This all feels so surreal. It feels like a dream I could wake up from any second. Bella and Charlie have become a staple in my dreams. Even before Charlie was born, even before I knew his name, I dreamt of him. I would dream of raising a child with Bella-something I knew would never happen. I would imagine us playing with our baby, blissfully happy. I would dream of what my life would have been life if I hadn't made so many monumental mistakes. I would wake up every night in a cold sweat with tears in my eyes, because I knew my dreams were only that, dreams. But now, I finally have a chance. My family might not be perfect, but it's something. It's real.
I slide out of my car and grab my Winnie-the-Pooh stuffed animal from the back seat. I didn't want to come empty handed today, although, I didn't want to buy my son's affection either. I'm sure Bella has given him plenty of toys, while I've given him none. I want him to have something from me. Something from his daddy. I want him to know just how much I love him.
Feeling nervous, I trudge up to the door of Bella's apartment. My hands shake and it takes a moment for me to gain control over myself and knock. As soon as I do, I can barely breathe. I've never felt so anxious in my life. But then again, never has a day seemed so important. The door swings open and every muscle in my body tenses at the same time as if waiting for impact. Before me is the most gorgeous sight I have ever seen. Bella. Now that she's standing before me again, it feels like we were never apart. In a blue cotton dress, a white sweater, and her old white converse, she looks absolutely stunning. I can't believe I let this woman go.
She stares at me, and I suddenly realize that I'm just standing in her doorway, stupidly gawking at her. But I can't help it. We've been apart for so long, and I've never gotten over her. Even when I believed that it would be easier to no longer love her, I never could. I'll love her until I'm dead in the ground, I'm sure. However, I know she feels nothing towards me. If she feels anything, I'm certain it's hate and disgust. When I finally look at her beautiful, brown eyes that I've missed so much, I find that she's not looking at me. Not really. She's not looking at my eyes. It's like she's seeing straight through me. Shock trickles down my spine as her eyes gut me. She's so disgusted by me, that she can't even look at me. Fuck.
"Hello, Edward."
Her voice is so formal, so unlike the voice of my wife. Well, she's not your wife anymore, Edward.
"Bella," I greet, trying desperately to keep my voice neutral. "Thanks for letting me come."
"I wanted Charlie to meet you," she responds, still not really looking at me.
She steps aside and invites me in. Her apartment is pristine, yet, so homey at the same time. It's feminine, with baby toys scattered haphazardly around the living room floor-the one room in the apartment that doesn't look absolutely perfect. Bella leads me to the family room where I find a tiny baby in a baby gym in front of the TV. My breath catches in my throat and I stop in my tracks. Tears prick my eyes as I look at the back of his little, fuzzy head. Holy, fuck. That's my son. My little boy…
"He's been excited to meet you."
He's bouncing in his baby gym, watching cartoons and laughing loudly. I can't stop staring at him. All I can see is the back of his head, and yet, he's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. He's so perfect… and so much smaller than I expected. I can't believe he's truly mine.
"Edward?" I hear Bella ask, causing me to realize that I haven't moved an inch.
When I don't respond, she reaches out and her fingers graze the back of my hand, sending a chill up my spine. Her touch still affects me the way it always has, and while it feels incredible, it breaks my heart, too. My emotions are overwhelming. I'm feeling so many things at once. Love, excitement, passion, pride, fear, contentment, guilt. Tears trail down my cheeks before I can stop them.
I feel Bella pull away, and watch her as she walks across the room to gently grab our son out of his baby gym. When she turns around with him in her arms, I finally see his face in real life, for the very first time. The pictures didn't do my son justice. Seeing him like this takes my breath away. He looks just like Bella. So much like her that it almost hurts to look at him. God, I love this little boy so fucking much. I'll give him all my love and then some. I'll give him the world, because in the few seconds that I've known him he's become my world, my everything.
"Daddy, this is Charlie. Charlie, this is your daddy."