"There's a black crow sitting across from me

His wiry legs are crossed

He's dangling my keys, he even fakes a toss

Whatever could it be

That has brought me to this loss?"

-Bon Iver-

I never, ever want to let him go. He's perfect. Absolutely perfect. As soon as his guileless eyes meet mine, I'm captivated, and in that moment I know I love this little boy with every fiber of my being. My love for him is unconditional-nothing he could ever do would change the way I feel about him. I'll always remember him as he is now.

Charlie reaches out and grabs ahold of one of my fingers, hugging it in his little fist. He smiles at me, and as he smiles, I wonder if he knows who I am. If deep down in his subconscious, he knows that I'm his father. I know that's probably ludacris, but I hope for it all the same. I want him to know me. I know I won't be able to be around like his mother will be, but I want him to know me just as well as he knows her. I want us to be just as close.

Finally, I look away from him and my eyes find Bella's. She's not looking at me, but I can see that her eyes are filled with unshed tears as she looks at her-our-son. The love floating in her glossy eyes is breathtaking. She loves this little boy more than anything. She loves him enough to forget about her own discomfort when it comes to seeing me. Thank God for that. I don't know how I'd be fairing if I couldn't see him. Hell, I know how I'd be fairing. I'd be a mess-just as lost as I was before I came here.

I'm still lost. Being a father is a whole new adventure. And being a father without my wife… well, that's even more difficult and unpredictable. I don't expect her to take me back, but I'd like to think that one day she'd be able to look at me again. It's so disturbing to watch her eyes stare straight through me. I have to look away from her. My eyes return to Charlie, who's still smiling in my arms.

"Hello," I whisper to him, finally finding my voice. "I'm so happy to meet you, Charlie."

He giggles and fusses in my arms a bit before I adapt and adjust him. He settles down and gives me a small, toothless grin. He's such a happy baby. It's probably because he has such a wonderful mother. I want to glance up at Bella, but I stop myself.

"Do you know who I am?" He cocks his head to the side and puts rubs his face with his little hand. "I'm your dad, Charlie." I love saying his name.

He smiles at this and yawns. Bending down, I kiss his forehead. His fuzzy hair tickles my nose.

"He's perfect," I muse.

"Thank you."

When I look up at Bella, she's softly smiling at her little boy. Our little boy. God, I can't believe I'm a father. It finally feels real now that I'm holding him in my arms. As I watch him, I wonder how I'm going to make it through a day without this. How am I going to return to my dreary apartment and deal with the silence? Especially when I know Bella and my son are probably enjoying themselves a mere twenty minutes away. This is what you deserve.

While I deserve the pain-I know I do-it's still hard to stomach. I'm experiencing the loss of my wife and son all over again in a way. Everyday I'm without this will be a cruel reminder of all that I loss. All that I'll have to learn to live without. The regret I feel is debilitating, and the remorse is even worse. Without saying a word, I take Charlie over and sit with him on one of the couches in the living room before I fall to my knees.

"You're good with him, Edward," Bella says quietly as she sits down across from us on a leather chair.

"Well, he's just a great baby. He's so calm." I smile at his sleepy face. "You've done a wonderful job with him, sweet-" I catch myself. "Bella."

I look up at her to gauge her reaction to find that she has none. Her beautiful face is utterly blank, and she's still not looking at me. God, I feel like Bruce Willis on The Sixth Sense-Charlie sees me while his mother doesn't. I'm a ghost to her. Man, do I feel like a ghost, though. A shell of my old self. Even on my "good days", I'm nothing like the man I once was. I go through the motions, but am I ever truly living? Have I been living since Bella left? No. I don't even have to take a moment to contemplate that answer. I haven't been really living. I've just been getting by.

But now I have a reason to live as I once did. I have Charlie. I want to be my old, funny-loving, and happy self for him. I want to be the best father I possibly can for him. The father he deserves.

"I don't know," Bella answers as she stares down at her hands folded in her lap. "He's always been great. Ever since he was born."

"What was he like? I mean, when he was first born. What was that first day like?"

A small, almost melancholy smile touches Bella's full lips. "It was a hectic day. I was so afraid, I didn't know what to expect. Alice was with me, and she talked me through the whole thing, and held my hand. When I held him for the very first time… well, I couldn't believe how little he was. After he I nursed him for the very first time, he opened his eyes and gave me a soft smile before falling asleep."

Bella pauses to wipe away a tear, and giggles at herself. It's nice to see her so happy. I smile, too.

"He captured my heart in that moment. After that, I knew he had me wrapped around his little finger. I mean, he's everything to me. He's my entire life and I'm so, so lucky to have him. It's like Charlie's the center of my universe."

She trails off and smiles at the sleeping boy in my arms. Still, she won't look at me. God, I wish she would. I'd give anything to watch her expressive eyes light up as she recounts stories about Charlie, telling me about all the moments that I've missed.

"He has captured my heart, too."

"I'm glad. I want him to have a father, Edward. He deserves it."

Her tone is almost accusing. As if she's waiting for me to mess this up and is already planning on what she's going to do if she has to pick up all of the pieces. I'm angry for a moment, astonished that she would even think that, but then I realize how fucking stupid I'm being. Of course she would worry about that. I promised her the world when I married her, and then broke every single vow I made. Of course she's going to have some trust issues. But this is different. I've learned from the mistakes that torment me everyday. I'm not going to allow myself to ruin things with my son. He's my world, too, and I'll prove it to her.

"I'll be the father he deserves, Bella. I promise you. I love him, too."

She nods. God, Bella. Please, please just look at me!

"Bella, I regret so much-"

"Don't," she quickly cuts me off, holding up a hand. "Please, Edward. Just don't." Her voice is a whisper. "I'm doing this for our son. But understand that I just can't talk about what happened. I just want to forget, Edward. Please don't bring it up."

Seeing her like this, looking so small as she sits across from me, breaks my fucking heart. I want to beat the shit out of the person who hurt her this way-but then I'm faced with that fact that the person is me. I did this to her. I hurt the woman I love.

"Can we just focus on Charlie? I just want my son to be happy."

"Of course," I answer, my voice is gruff and thick with emotion. I want to throw myself at her feet and tell her everything on my heart, but I refrain. I'm not going to allow myself to hurt her anymore. I can't bear the thought of doing anymore damage.