"This is not the sound of a new man

Or a crispy realization

It's the sound of me unlocking and you lift away

Your love will be

Safe with me."

-Bon Iver-

Coffee. I need coffee. I rub my tired eyes and sigh, wanting nothing more than to do home and sleep for days. I've been at the hospital for thirty-six hours now and nothing has gone right. I grab a cup of coffee that's been sitting in the pot for God knows how long before collapsing into a chair. Closing my eyes for a moment, I wonder what Charlie is up to. I always wonder what he is up to.

I still have to wait two more days before I see him again, and I don't know if I can stomach the time. I want to see him as soon as I get off work today. I'm sure his bright, smiling face will erase all the crippling emotions I felt today. Tears prick my eyes and I quickly wipe them away before they can trail down my cheeks. Now that adrenaline is no longer coursing through my veins-all of my emotions suffocate me. I watched someone die today. I couldn't save them. That girl's face as she slipped away is burnt forever in my mind.

Pulling out my phone, I try to replace that image with another. As soon as I see my son's smiling face as the background of my phone, I relax. Perhaps it's selfish of me to use him this way, but I need to see him. I can't stomach being all alone tonight. Hell, I can barely fucking deal with it when I have a "good" day. The thought of going home to my empty apartment-knowing that my Bella and our son are happily living their separate lives without me-is so incredibly crippling. I deserve it-I know I deserve it-but it doesn't soften the blow… doesn't ease the pain. I wish I could just go numb. I used to welcome the pain because it was nice to feel something-anything to know my relationship with Bella was real. But now, I don't want to feel a thing. I don't want to think about the girl I watched slip away, I don't want to think of the people I've let down, I don't want to think of my son growing up in a broken home. I bury my head in my hands, staring at the image of my son's photo on my phone's background before it goes black.

I'm going to call Bella-I have to. She'll understand. She's always been so kind, so compassionate… too fucking good for me. I thought I was good for her. I truly did. I thought I could have been the right man for her, but I was wrong. So incredibly wrong. She deserved so much better than what I could offer her. I dial her number and with a shaky hand, I raise the phone to my ear, my heart racing in my chest as I listen to it ring. What if she says no? I close my eyes as I wait for her answer, thinking of her.

"Bella, thank God you picked up. Where are you, baby? I thought you wanted me to meet you in the cafeteria?"

"Sorry, my lecture ran late. I'll be there in a second. Love you!"

"Love you, too," I tell her with a smile, unable to contain my excitement for what I have planned for her.

My girl has just taken her very last final of the semester. I want to make this day special for her. She's been staying up every night cramming for finals, never believing that the work she has done is near good enough. Truly, she works so much harder than anyone I have ever seen. And she's always so hard on herself, too. If only she knew how smart she is… how absolutely incredible she is.

I tried to calm her nerves last night. I all but forced her to stop her studying and take a nice, relaxing bath. I got all that girly shit for her-filling the tub with bath salts, bubbles, and lavender oil, while placing candles around the tub. I even played her favorite music and dimmed the lights just right. I picked her up and carried her away from her desk and her eyes filled with tears as she took in the sight of what I had done for her. She thinks that I give her too much, but she doesn't understand how much she gives me. Seeing her bright, content face makes everything I do worth it. I just want to see her happy. I just want to make every single day special for her. Her eyes teared up as I placed her into the bath and her beautiful face was bright with a serene smile as I washed her hair and body. I insisted that she relaxed and enjoy the bath after I was finished, but she insisted that I join her in the tub. I did. I made love to her in the bath water until it was cold, then I spent the rest of the night making love to her in our bed-studying forgotten.

Just thinking about last night puts a grin on my face. We've only been living together in that apartment for four months, but we have already had sex on every inch of it. Bella wanted to "christen" the place. Now, everywhere I look in my apartment, I see Bella and me making love. I'm going to have a hard time saying goodbye to our place when we eventually decide to buy a house.

I pull up in front of her lecture hall, effectively cutting Bella off before she can cross the street. Her eyes widen in surprise and then she grins at me. Stepping forward, she opens the passenger door and slides inside. I give her a nice, long kiss, until the car behind me honks his horn at us.

"I thought you just wanted to meet me in the cafeteria?" she questions as she reaches forward to adjust the radio.

"Well, I thought we could go someplace nice for lunch. We are celebrating, after all."

"Celebrating?"

"You just took your last final. You're done, kid," I tease her. "Now I can have you all to myself."

She leans back against the passenger seat and grins. She looks so tranquil-so free. I love seeing her this way. She looks so angelic. I can't help but glance at her over and over again as I drive, because I just can't believe this girl is mine.

"Edward?"

Bella's voice brings me back to reality. I shake the memory from my head, wondering what triggered it. I'm used to thinking of her all of the time, but lately, I've been having such vivid memories of us play in my head; it's like I'm watching reels from a movie-a movie of our life together. I feel like I'm standing next to my old self, watching myself as I experience such great happiness, before experiencing such crippling pain. Through my memories, I watch myself fall in love, live in love, and throw that love away. I'm happy to remember, but it's so bittersweet. My memories are all I will ever have. That's not true, Edward. You have a future. You have your son.

"Edward?" she questions again. I hear Charlie's cry in the background, and I know she's growing impatient with me.

"I'm sorry for calling," I say quietly, barely recognizing my own voice. "I just needed-" I take a deep breath, wondering if I'm about to fall apart. It's been such an emotional fucking day, and I'm so tired. Not just because I haven't slept. "I just was wondering if I could see Charlie tonight?"

"You're going to come over on the weekend…"

I know she doesn't want to see me. Fuck, I don't even want to fucking see me.

"Please." I can't help but beg her.

She pauses for a moment, and I can imagine her biting her lip like she always does when she's debating something.

"Bella, today has been so bad… so bad. I just don't want to be alone tonight."

I expect her to tell me to go fuck myself. I know how pathetic I sound. I'm the man who cheated on her with her best friend. Why should she care about what I'm going through? I've sure as hell put her through enough. I should probably hang up the phone, I know I should. I shouldn't be bothering her like this. I'm lucky enough she's letting me see my son in the first place. That's already far more than I deserve. Despite my self-loathing, I can't bring myself to hang up the phone. I just want to see Charlie. I just miss him so much.

"Okay," she answers softly. For a moment, I wonder if I've merely hallucinated what I've wanted to hear. "I have some work I have to get done anyway. When were you thinking about dropping by?"

"I'm going to leave work soon."

"That's fine," she replies after a heartbeat.

"Thank you. You don't know how much I appreciate this." I love you.

"It's fine. See you soon, I guess."

"I'll see you in a bit. Thank you."

I'm so formal, but I know I can't tell her what's really on my heart. We're co-parenting-or, at least, trying our best to co-parent considering our circumstances-and I don't want to let my feelings for her jeopardize that. Maybe if I'm lucky, really lucky, she'll want to be my friend someday. She was my best friend for such a long time-the person I told everything to; the person who knew me better than anyone-and I can barely understand how I got through those months without her in my life. Now that she's within my reach, I'm going to show her just how much I've changed. I want her to know that I can be a better man-for her, for our son.