Does the Quibbler have an advice column? Something like Dear Abby in the USA or Agony Columns like the British Tabloids! Yes!
Wizards Life Advice by name changed to Protect the innocent!
Dear Xeno:
My little witch, my princess has come home from Hogwarts with a muggle born boyfriend! After watching me be nagged by the "little women" he told me I need a "Man Cave". I went back to my little princess's muggle studies textbook and could find no mention of man caves. I was too embarrassed to ask him! What in Merlin's name is a Man Cave?
Embarrassed Clueless
Dear Clueless:
You have come to the right spot for advice. I've asked a dear friend and expert on Muggle life to answer your inquiry. Now to protect the innocent, I turned your letter over to my good friend Franco. We don't want a lot of hate mail from those of the fairer sex who may be offended. So, witches, ladies, just remember this is wizard to wizard advice. Here is his reply.
Yes, indeed man caves exist. They are a muggle invention for married men. You should think of them as a Wizard's safe room. They are for the dreaded time when your witch starts to nag you about something or wants to talk. You know, the most dreaded discussion, when they want to "talk about feelings."
Hey, don't panic. "All wizards in a relationship need to get away sometimes. You would think a perfect way to do that is to put a notice me not charm on yourself. Nope, I advise against that cure. Any witch worth her cauldron will see right through that ploy. What I'm talking about is a man cave. My witch does not understand my need for a man cave. Some wizards have elaborate ones with bars, game tables, and phonographs too. Maybe even a wizarding wireless to listen to mindless Celestina Warbeck drivel they call music. But you don't need a lot. You could have one like mine. Yes, mine is pretty simple. It is all in my head.
Sometimes she thinks I'm daydreaming but I'm not. I've just put my mind into neutral and I'm just chilling. (Chilling is a muggle term for daydreaming, sometimes accompanied by drinking strong spirits). The old term from some 80's muggle book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Vesuvius applies here. Men, for the most part, are just wired differently. I don't understand the reference to the Italian volcano, but perhaps it's because volcano's explode for no reason when the pressure builds up, just like witch's do, but that's another column. She does not understand why when I'm stressed I cannot "talk" about whatever it is and instead want solitude or the companionship of my male reprobate friends. Her term, not mine. My friends are the finest imaginable. I withdraw into my own mind or when I'm really stressed I retreat to my garage workshop to work it out. Sometimes I want to go to the local muggle pub and have an ale and stuff my face with popcorn. My better half's idea of the spawn of Satan, "poison I tell you!" I like to watch mindless sports drivel (MY GOD Dan, he sunk a 15 foot putt into the wind!" (Reference to a muggle game called Golf. Some say it's like watching paint dry but I like it). Or car shows (shows about horseless carriages) on the TV. (TV is like the wizarding wireless but with moving pictures). "Say Stan, can you hand me that 5/32 wrench so I can tighten this doohickey to the proper torque so it doesn't loosen when I'm speeding?"
It is a whole different language but hey this relaxes me so that I can decide what to do. This time out from life and stress allows me to relax. I'm not focused on the problem, but my subconscious is taking a crack at solving my troubles. Now, no brickbats about my going through life in an unconscious state, my subconscious works on the problem in a relaxed un-stressful way. This gives me a new fresh perspective often leading me to a solution. But the little witch doesn't understand that. Nope, nada, never will. Popular culture, and many nonscientific and scientific studies have postulated that witches have a hard time understanding the male mind set. I don't understand the confusion about whether this is a fact. Almost all of the women in my life, starting with my mother have said "I don't understand you!" My daughter has opined that "What an idiot, but you are the best 16-year-old dad a girl can have!"
I guess that means I'm immature. At my age? I have observed that a witch when stressed has the natural desire to talk to someone close to her, even if doesn't provide a solution to whatever problem is they are going on about. So, I want to withdraw, and she wants to get closer, and this sets up a lose-lose dynamic. A conflict erupts because I'm unfeeling and she's bossy.
"Why don't you want to talk to me? "Why don't you think I can help?"
"Because I'm logical and you're not! I need time to order my thoughts instead of shooting from the hip and picking up the pieces with crying later. The emotional drain is too much! Why can't you leave me alone? Just like Marlene Dietrick. An old time Muggle moving Picture celebrity. "I want to be alone". Yes, some would say I'm dating myself but hey I like old movies. Perhaps in this world there is way to say give me some space without making the little witch cry and then make me miserable. So what is a husband to do? Instead of bowing to a million years of evolution and withdrawing to your cave, sit down look your wife in the eye and tell her to put on her apron and cook a romantic dinner so the two of you can be relaxed and talk about whatever it is over a couple glasses of wine. In the meantime, you suggest that you take a hot shower to help you relax. You might suggest that she join you. Maybe you can distract her enough, and she drinks enough wine that she forgets about whatever it is she wants to talk about and you can enjoy some nookie. That sure beats talking about your feelings. So wizards, defend your right to your man cave where ever it is!