Two for the price of one

Chapter 3: Nurses and thots

Everything hurt.

My arms, my legs, my head, my back, what the hell happened to me?

I opened my eyes and found I was on a bed in some sort of infirmary. The walls were bare stone and there were a few other beds like mine but only one other one was occupied. In the bed to the right of me was Saito who was sleeping peacefully with with chest covered in bandages. I looked down at myself and saw that I had the same, if not moreso, amount of bandages. I ask again, what the hell happened?

I tried remembering everything that had happened to me when I was last awake.

I remembered Louise wanted me and Saito to dress her, then there was the lunchroom, then the kitchens, then Guiche got slapped and we fought… I think?

I didn't really remember anything after Guiche got slapped by his former two girl friends. Of the snippets I could remember, Guiche was kicking our asses, then he gave me and Saito a sword, then there was a large lapse in memory, and then he gave me money.

Once I remembered the money, my hands flew to my pockets only to discover that I wasn't actually wearing pants. I looked around and discovered them, along with the rest of my stuff, sitting on a nightstand to my left.

I sighed in relief and searched my pockets. In the right, I had my phone and when I tried to turn it on nothing happened. I looked at it dejectedly before putting it back in my pocket. In the left, I found my now useless earbuds and I found the sack of coins which I proceeded to open. Inside was 26 gold coins with the diameter of a quarter and a little more than twice the thickness of one.

It was official. If I ever went home, I was going to be loaded.

After I counted the coins, I put them back in my pocket and I tried to get out of bed.

My feet hit the floor and when I tried to push myself up a sharp pain exploded in my chest and I quickly laid back down.

Looks like I was stuck in bed.

I laid there for a few minutes hoping that someone would come along but when no one did, I decided to wake up Saito.

I tried yelling his name a few times but that only resulted in him saying something in Japanese and then falling back asleep.

I concluded that a more physical approach was in order and threw my phone at his head.

The result was pretty comical. When the phone hit his head, it caused him to shoot up in alarm but then the pain hit him and caused him to cry out in pain.

He got his revenge though because I started to laugh and it hurt to do so.

Once things calmed down, we were finally able to talk to each other.

"What was that for?!" he asked angrily.

"Hey, I tried calling your name but you wouldn't wake up," I defended.

"You could have waited for me to wake up on my own!" he retorted.

"Yep, I could have."

He glared at me for a few seconds before sighing and we got to asking the important questions.

"Do you know why we're here?" he asked me.

"I think we fought Guiche," I answered, "and I think we got our asses kicked but I also think we might've won."

"What makes you say that?"

"I remember him giving me money" I said as I pulled out said money.

"Oh yeah! You were going to kill Guiche!" Saito accused me.

"I wasn't going to kill him," I brushed him off.

"You weren't?"

"Naw," I answered.

"Oh, sorry."

We sat there in awkward silence for a few seconds before Saito asked another question,

"So, what time is it?"

I turned around and looked out the window that was above my bed.

"I don't know. Either morning or midday."

"Oh,"

The silence once again returned but it was broken when someone finally entered the room.

It was a woman with teal hair and she was wearing one of those old nurse uniforms with the white apron over the black dress.

Her face was neutral when she walked in but then she saw both of us wide awake and a smile grew on her face.

"Ah you're awake!" she said in a soft, friendly voice, "Ms. Valliere and Siesta will be relieved, I'll be right back."

And as quickly as she came, she left.

She came back a few minutes later with a pink head of hair I really didn't want to see and Siesta in tow.

When Louise first saw us, I think she had a look of relief on her face. It was kinda hard to tell though because her expression quickly changed into anger and she started assaulting us with her tiny fists.

Normally, she wouldn't have been able to hurt me. A feather falling on me would have hurt me more than she would be able too. But I was super bruised and beat up so her delicate baby punches felt more like Mike Tyson just caught me fucking his wife.

In other words, it hurt a lot.

Louise had a ton of energy in her and could have kept up her assault for a good few hours but thankfully, her punches grew weaker as she dissolved into a crying, babbling mess.

As I looked at the sobbing mess the girl had become, I had a moment of pity and looked passed her horrible personality and actually admired her looks. She was pretty beautiful, definitely a seven or eight out of ten, would bang, but then I remembered that she just beat the shit out of us and my impression of Louise being the bitch master 3000 returned full force.

"S-stupid familiars," Louise sobbed into my chest, "I thought you two had died!"

I wasn't really sure how to deal with a crying girl so I just decided to let her wear herself out.

As for the other guests in the room, the nurse and Siesta looked happy but Siesta kept glaring at Louise for some reason.

Back to the crying girl, she had finally stopped crying which was good because she got off of me but it was bad because she went back to being angry.

She didn't hit me anymore but she started chastising us for fighting Guiche even though she was the one who forced us to fight in the first place.

Next, Siesta kept mothering us by asking if our pillows were soft enough, if our bandages were on too tight, questions like that. We kept saying that we were fine and the nurse kept snickering at our situation.

While that was going on, me and Saito's stomachs rumbled and we both realized how hungry we were.

Siesta noticed our plight and she pulled a large tray out of nowhere and on that tray was a pitcher of water, a loaf of bread, some small pieces of meat, and two small cakes.

It all looked delicious and we would have devoured the entire thing in under a minute if Siesta hadn't decided that we were too hurt to feed ourselves.

Me and Saito tried to tell her we were fine but she was having none of it and eventually, we relented.

The bread was a bit stale, the water was kinda warm, the meat was a little cold, but holy shit were the cakes good. I'm an American, we pretty much eat straight sugar for breakfast, but that cake, only a few square inches in size, was one of the greatest things I had ever eaten.

I said about as much to Siesta, with Saito agreeing with me, which caused her face to go red and she said that she was the one to make the cake.

If I ever went home, she was coming with me to be my personal chef, willingly or not.

Alas, all good cakes must come to an end and Siesta had to return to her duties which left me and Saito with the nurse and bitchy-mcbitch-bitch.

The nurse started listing off our numerous injuries, broken and bruised ribs, a few cuts and scrapes, and a possible concussion. We were also apparently in a coma and the only way for us to wake up was for Louise to buy an expensive potion.

My opinion of Louise would have changed a little if Louise hadn't kept denying buying the potion for our sake and how she only saved us so she wouldn't have to summon a new familiar.

After that, things got a little awkward.

The nurse said that she had to check us over one last time before we were allowed to leave. She pulled my blanket off of me and this wouldn't have been a problem except I still wasn't wearing and pants and everyone in the room got a glimpse of my dick.

Saito politely looked away and Louise ran out of the room with a massive blush on her face. My face was also red but the nurse didn't seem bothered in the slightest. It made sense though. She was a nurse. She's probably dealt with situations like this hundreds of time.

Enough about my privates though, the nurse removed my bandages and performed her checkup. I was apparently fine, but just to be sure she took out her wand and used some sort of healing magic on me. Holy shit it felt good. As best as I could describe it, it's like if you've been constipated all day and then you get home and have a nice good shit only the feeling was happening throughout your entire body.

Once she was done, she told me to get dressed and she went to go work her magic on Saito.

I changed while facing the wall and I got done just as Saito finished his check up. He changed as well and we left to face Louise.

I say face, but Louise kept diverting her eyes away from me and she would only address Saito.

She said something about having to go to class and started dragging Saito away and I followed after them.

Classes were pretty interesting.

Granted, they were magic classes so how could they not be?

The classroom was arranged kinda like a college lecture hall only smaller.

The three of us were sitting in the left row and two from the back.

I was sitting at the end of the table, Saito was sitting next to me, and Louise was sitting next to Saito.

When we had first entered the room, everyone turned to look at us and they started whispering about us.

I couldn't hear everything that was said because, you know, whispering, but I think I heard the important bits.

Most of the people were talking about the fight with Guiche but I heard one person suggest that Louise may be engaged to either me, Saito, or even both of us. I wish I could remove the last image out of my head.

Eventually, the teacher entered the room, everyone quieted down, and we get to where we are now.

I didn't pay attention to the first half of the class because it was mostly the teacher introducing herself and what the class was about.

However, I did pay attention when I saw the teacher turn a few nuggets of copper into gold. Me and Saito's eyes widened in surprise and everyone else in the room started questioning if it was real gold.

Unfortunately, the teacher informed us it was actually brass and that turning metals into gold was a square spell. I'd have to ask what all of that meant latter.

Next, the teacher called Louise down to try to turn some copper into brass. Louise seemed unsure at first but then everyone in the room tried telling the teacher to choose someone else and Louise decided to do it after all.

As she approached the front of the room, people started taking cover under their tables but me and Saito had no clue why so we stayed seated.

We found out a second later when the room exploded.

Today sucked.

After Louise blew up the classroom earlier, the rest of the class was canceled on account of the teacher being unconscious. Louise didn't exactly make it out unscathed either however as she was assigned to clean up the mess she made. And by she, I mean me and Saito so really Louise did make it out unscathed.

The whole thing took a few hours and by the end of it our clothes were covered in soot and we were both exhausted.

We were making our way through the hallways on the way back to Louise's room so we could sleep. Louise's door better be unlocked, for her and my sake, because I was going to break the damn thing down if it wasn't. I was not sleeping on the roof again.

As we were making out way back, we across an obstruction in the form of a large red lizard in the middle of the hallway.

Me and Saito stopped where we were and had a staring contest with the thing for a few seconds before I decided to greet it.

"Uh, hey?"

I think I said the wrong thing though because it rushed up to me faster than I could react, grabbed my pant leg in its mouth, and started dragging me down the hallway.

"Ah!" I exclaimed, "Saito help!"

"Don't worry Jaydon, I'm coming!" I heard Saito say before I was dragged around a corner and I lost sight of him.

It wasn't fun getting dragged, especially when we went up some stairs and I hit my head on every step, but I was eventually dragged into one of the student bedroom's and was let go.

"Flame, you got the wrong one," I heard a sultry voice complain. A second later, Saito ran in gasping for air and with his hands on his knees.

"Oh, you're both here, even better," The same voice said although no longer annoyed.

I got up from my position on the floor, dusted myself off, and turned to look at the person's whose room we were in.

When I first laid eyes on her, an alarm started ringing in my head, 'Warning! Thot detected!' She was a dark skinned girl, a little taller than me with long red hair, and a pair of massive tits that were barely constrained by her undergarments.

While I had the thot alarm going off, Saito looked like he was about to jizz his pants.

The redhead got off the bed she was lying on in a compromising position and she started to advance towards us while swaying her hips.

"My name is Kirche the Ardent and I have fallen deeply in love with both of you."

Saito started blushing and stammering his words while I just stood there not really sure what to do.

"You two must be so uncomfortable in those clothes," she said having finally sauntered up in front of us. At the same time, I started singing a Lonely island song in my head which was very appropriate to the situation.

"Why don't you-"

She was interrupted when a guy opened her window. Weren't we at least three stories up?

"Kirche!" the guy yelled, "I came by here because you didn't show up at the prearranged time you said."

"I'm sorry," the thot said. "Can you come back in two hours?"

The guy protested which resulted in the thot blasting him with a small fire ball which sent him away.

"Now that that's over," Kirches said turning her attention back towards us, "Where were-"

We got interrupted guy another guy.

Pretty much the same thing happened to this guy as the last one. Kirche once again turned her attention back towards us but then three more guys appeared in the window and this time they were blasted by the lizard.

After that, Kirche lightly pushed Saito onto the ground and started kissing him.

"Yeah... " I began awkwardly, "I'm just gonna-"

"KIRCHE!" Louise yelled after barging into the room.

'Oh shit, Louise is here.'

"I'm busy right now," Kirche said to Louise, "Why don't you come back later?"

"Zerbst, why are you trying to seduce my familiars?!"

"I'm afraid it can't be helped," Kirche feigned innocence, "Love and fire are the destinies of the Von Zerbst family. I only wish to burn in flames of love."

"Come here," Lousie ordered me and Saito.

"Now wait, he may be your familiar but he's also a proper human with feelings and needs and desires," Kirche said. It's nice that at least one of the students sees us as equals, even if she probably has more STDs than a Las Vegas hooker.

"It's unreasonable to get in the way of romance. Isn't that right?"

Saito wholeheartedly agreed with Kirche, for obvious reasons, and I had no plan on fucking her so I just kind of mentally shrugged.

"Fine!" Louise relented, "But you realize when tomorrow comes you'll be skewered alive by at least ten angry noble men?"

We both thought about it for a second and we concluded that she was right. If we fucked Kirche, we were going to get fucked up by a bunch of horny, jealous teenagers with magic.

"I guess I'll say t again, come here!"

We both sighed and walked over to Louise. Saito was upset because he didn't get his dick wet and I was upset because I had to leave the relative safety of the room to deal with an angry Louise.

Kirche tried one more trick to get us to stay but Louise just grabbed us by the ear and led us out of the room.

Me and Saito were standing in the middle of Louise's room looking around sheepishly.

Lousie was by the door locking it. She turned around with her head angled towards the ground and her bangs in front of her eyes so we couldn't see how angry she was. If the next outburst is any indication, I'd say very angry.

"Your both just like some mangy dogs in heat!"

She brushed past us and started ruffling around in one of her dresser drawers and then pulling out a small whip.

'Uh oh.' I thought fearfully.

"If you're both going to act like dogs then I guess I'll just have to treat you like dogs."

She stalked towards us slowly and we walked backwards at the same speed before hitting the door. Still facing her, I put my hand behind my back and tried turning the knob just incase she didn't actually lock it. She locked it.

Saito suggested that Louise try and calm down and that was when the whipping commenced.

Ow.

After five hits on both of us, Saito stopped her by grabbing her arm. I thought her was about to murder the bitch but then he asked her a question.

"Can it just be that because I was doing that kind of stuff to Kirche instead of sneaking into your bed? Can it be that you're just jealous?"

'Saito you fucking idiot!'

She kicked him between the legs and he fell to the ground groaning in pain.

"What was that? You and me? How dare you?!"

"Sorry, it was just a misunderstanding," Saito said while clutching his testicles.

Louise then went on a spiel about how we could see anyone we wanted except for Kirche because her family and Louise's were rivals.

Louise calmed down during her rant which allowed us to explain what had actually gone down in Kirche's room.

Louise didn't believe us about the lizard part because she thought we were swordsmen and that we should have been able to fight it off. We asked why and she said it was because of the fight between Guiche. We had to explain how neither of us knew how to use a sword and that our bodies just acted on their own.

She gained a look of realization and explained that familiars sometimes gained special abilities like the ability to talk in cats. So apparently me and Saito could use swords and cats could talk, that's kinda awesome.

Saito didn't think so though because he said that we couldn't be swordsmen without swords and Louise also realized this and said that we would go to town and get weapons.

"So, where do we sleep?" I asked. Louise responded by pointing at a small hay pile on the floor next to her bed. I was too tired to argue anymore so screw it, I'll take it.

A/N

Damn, it's been a long ass time. July 21, around three and a half months. I'm a lazy piece of shit who's easily distracted, sue me. I'm bad at estimating chapter lengths because I expected to end this chapter with buying Derflinger but instead it's ending the night before. On terms of grade for this chapter, I'll give it a mediocre. I feel like if I actually planned things out I could be better but I can't be bothered. I don't know, I'm not the best writer but I'm definitely not the worst and that's all that really matters. Responding to Panzer-12, I was going more for a comedic tag along with some minor deviations from canon. At least for awhile I'm going to follow the canon storyline. There is a point where I plan to break away from the original story in either a major or minor way. I'm not sure which yet and it's still a long ways away. Anyways, check out the poll on my profile for one of the other stories I'm doing and I'll see you in an indeterminate amount of time.