On a Knife's Edge
After his brusque departure from her quarters, Aalin's heart pushed her to seek out Chris and stay with him, to comfort and be there for him. To demonstrate with action she didn't fear him.
Her head urged otherwise. And won the internal tug of war.
No. Invariably my presence hurts him. This sad thought was the equivalent of a punch in the gut. I won't risk that again tonight. She wrapped arms tightly around her waist. A sharp pain reminded her right elbow had absorbed the shock of her tumble into the armchair.
Retrieving a cold pack, one from the drawer stocked by Chris for soothing the aches and pains from marathon and self-defense training, Aalin curled up on the sofa with legs tucked to her side, icing her sore arm, and waiting for word about or from him.
Every minute left like a year, every hour an eon.
ooooo
Una left Phil's quarters after Isak and joined him in the turbolift. "Halt and remove car from service," she ordered. "Second thoughts?" she asked.
"No, you?"
She shook her head. "Because of Chris' position we have to treat a single, minor anomaly as a potentially major incident, but I stand by our decision, there is no cause for relieving him from command."
"The due diligence will ease his worry," the second officer replied, but his attention focused elsewhere.
"Isak …" Una started then paused. Her tone was filled with empathy, "I can talk to Aalin. You don't have to do this."
He scoffed. "Ask our newest colleague if a man I admire and respect violently attacked her?" His hand waved off Una's reply. "I know, I know. Thought if I said out loud the worst, the unthinkable scenario, I'd wake up from this nightmare."
"Having the discussion with me may be easier for Aalin," Una proposed.
"You have enough on your plate and as security chief investigating potential harassment or assault is my responsibility. Besides, I gave Chris my word. And there are multiple reasons he asked me to see to this."
Una nodded. "Find me when you're done?"
"Yes."
ooooo
"I turned my head for a second … just a second." The words were hurried and punctuated with anxious glances at the door.
"That's all it takes out here," Matt replied in a calming yet matter-of-factly tone of voice as he treated the ensign's burns.
She again looked at the door.
"I didn't call Chief Louvier," Matt reassured.
"Thanks."
He continued, "Tomorrow morning you can explain the accident to our chief engineer and your direct superior. Something like this is always better received when initiated by the individual responsible for the mistake. They'll decide if taking the incident to the First Officer or Captain is warranted."
Her eyes jerked back to the head nurse. "Ah … um … does Number One really have to know? She's kinda … well …"
Matt suppressed a grin at the alarm in the ensign's expression. "Don't quote me on this, but since your injury is minor, and neither crew nor ship were put in harm's way, my read is Louvier won't see a need to escalate the matter."
"Whew, that's good." Her shoulders relaxed.
Then tensed again when another entered Sickbay. Matt then heard Isak's voice in his head, clear and tinged with worry, Meet me in Lieutenant Matthew's quarters as soon as you can. Bring a med scanner. And be discrete.
He motioned for another nurse to take over the treatment. Isak rarely relied on his spouse's mind reading abilities and this deliberate choice to do so concerned the Betezoid. Leading the security chief into a vacant corner of the room, Matt said, "Bad?"
Any injury, probably not. Otherwise … I don't know yet, Isak answered silently.
ooooo
Isak hesitated before pressing the notification chime. A warning is sensible, he thought. On the other hand, I don't want to scare her.
Memories surfaced of that night years ago. Chris had arrived first when their teammate called for help and prevented Isak from entering the apartment saying, 'Don't. It's bad. She flashed back to the attack on Mitra, and Kevin tried soothing her by encircling her in his arms. He wasn't stable enough for transport, the medics are taking him via shuttle to the trauma center.'
This is a different, a very different situation. Repeating the thought lent credibility to its veracity. Still … a warning is prudent.
"May I come in?" he asked when Aalin answered the door to her quarters.
She stepped to the side and indicated permission with a nod. "Do you want to sit?"
"Yeah." He chose the armchair; she perched on the edge of the sofa. He said, "I just left Chris."
"Is … is he okay?" she asked in a soft voice.
"He's … settling. Phil's looking after him." Isak paused when Aalin slowly exhaled.
She bowed her head, closed her eyes, and slumped against the back of the sofa, remaining in this position for several minutes until her breathing regulated. "Thank you." Fingers gripping hands like a vice relaxed. "Thank you," she repeated in an emphatic and heartfelt tone before resuming eye contact.
The absence of Aalin's usual poised demeanor, the graceful face she normally presented to the world, explained more to Isak about what had happened between her and Chris than any words. And the story of the toll of its aftermath was written in her eyes; reddened and puffed, irritated, dulled, circled in dark smudges.
She could have insisted on remaining at Chris' side, seeing to her own need for reassurance under the guise of caring for him, Isak thought while imaging what the hours of waiting must have felt like for Aalin. Instead she acted for Chris' welfare. This choice awarded her a gold star in his copy book. Damn Talosians. Gonna kick their arses one day, every friggin' one of them.
Isak offered a reassuring half-smile after noting Aalin had drawn back, reacting to his scowl which had formed when thinking of the Talosians. "Lieutenant," he said in a serious tone. His use of her rank spoke volumes and instantly formalizing the atmosphere in the room.
"Commander," she acknowledged while unconsciously straightening her posture.
He rubbed his chin. "Afraid this is an official visit. As second officer and security chief I need to hear your report about the earlier incident with our Captain."
She leaned forward, placing elbows on her knees and clasping her hands. Her body language telegraphed reluctance. When she spoke, her tone was weary. "Did he tell you?"
"Yes."
"Then what more can I add other than the reassurance I am fine," she said.
"Matt's going to stop by to confirm that," Isak replied. Then he added, "This is important."
"It was personal, private, concerning and between only us. Surely even Captains are allowed moments which are not officially and publicly documented," she countered.
"Yes … and no," he said. "For multiple reasons. I'll start with the simplest, most basic. A ship is a workplace, and its commander is subject to the same rules as the rest of us. At any point did you ask the Captain to leave, and he refused?"
"No."
"Was the Captain purposefully aggressive towards you?" he continued the interview.
Her chin jutted up and her gaze towards Isak turned cool. "Of course not, this is Chris we are talking about."
"Aalin, he won't thank you for minimizing what happened," the security chief pressed in a stern tone. The door chimed. Isak's eyes defocused for a moment. "Matt's here."
After entering the room, the nurse zeroed in on the cold pack now abandoned on a side table. His professional gaze assessed Aalin. Then Matt turned to Isak who instructed, "If the Lieutenant permits, run a standard medical scan and report any recent injuries."
She nodded.
Matt proceeded then snapped his tricorder shut. "A bruised elbow. Given the location, it must hurt like hell."
Aalin nodded again.
"Did you take anything for the pain?" the nurse asked. After her negative headshake he administered a hypospray. "This'll help. And keep using the cold packs."
"I …" Aalin began.
"An accident?" Matt suggested.
"Yeah. A clumsy moment," she confirmed. Her eyes softened, communicating gratitude for Matt's discretion.
His thumb pointed at Isak. "Last week this guy fell off the couch during a nap. You'd think a mixed martial arts expert would be more sure-footed. But sans danger and out of a gym, he's like an awkward toddler with no center of gravity."
Some of the tension in the room ebbed away.
Isak huffed, "He exaggerates," while at the same time thinking, Thank you.
Matt tilted his head almost imperceptibly, their silent language equivalent of 'You're welcome.' He turned to Aalin, "The discomfort should fade in a couple of days. And I'm here."
She smiled in return, acknowledging the layers of his offer.
Once they were alone again Isak explained in a gentle tone, "This isn't just about the simple. Captains wield enormous power over their crews' lives, over our relations with other civilizations. A constitution class ship can raze a planet. This far out Chris is the final arbitrator of what rules we will follow and what we will ignore, who will be punished and when. So to further answer your earlier observation, his personal behavior can't always remain private. Una, Phil, I, and he must now decide if his behavior towards you is a red flag which could spill over into duty and harm crew or ship."
Aalin remained silent. Minutes ticked by. "Chris came to apologize for … a personal matter. He was … what's the best word? Jittery? No, edgy." Her hand covered the pants pocket concealing the hateful note. "I was preoccupied with … something unrelated and brushed off an admission important to him. I think on some level Chris was responding to my discomfort. Bottom line, I reached for him, he wanted to avoid my touch and rather than nudging me away, and unintentionally, he pushed. This surprised me and I stepped back. The rest was my clumsiness, a table leg, and the edge of a table."
"That matches what Chris told us," Isak said.
"Oh," she sighed. Her relief was evident. "I was concerned he would … absorb the blame. There was no fault, it just happened."
"Chris is many things, not all of them complimentary, but martyr is not within his nature. And he can objectively assess his actions and his responsibility for them." Isak steepled his fingers deciding how to phrase his next and most important question. "Tell me, when Chris pushed you away, do you think he was … aware?"
Her feet shifted back and forth, and her fingers twined over and over. She stared at the floor. "I think … he knew what he was doing … but not where he was. I think that, maybe, for a moment, he was back on Talos." A pause. "Well done, by the way. Phrasing your question without leading me."
"Has he lapsed before in a similar way?"
Aalin's breath caught. She then said in a whisper, "Please don't ask this of me."
"You're new to life in the service. And still think more like a civilian. Which isn't a criticism, just a fact. Like a civilian romantically involved with her boss, you consider your roles in Chris' life as binary, subordinate or lover. And before you protest, yes, lover. Sex isn't the only measure of that label." Isak paused, searching for the right words. "But your roles in his life are more numerous, complex, and nuanced. As a junior officer protocol pushes you to the periphery, yet you see Chris at times and in ways others never will. That list I mentioned earlier; those on board tasked with ensuring our commander is fit for his post, unofficially you're part of it now." He held her gaze. "Will you step up to the plate?"
"Please, no." Her tone implored him.
"May I be presumptuous?"
She nodded.
"Growing up in the shadow of your father's cases must have been tough. I'd wager at times you were used as a pawn against him." Isak knew he'd guessed correctly when Aalin hugged herself. He proceeded carefully, "This is different. You love Chris. He's my best mate, has been for nearly two decades. We both want to protect him. Help me do that."
He leaned forward. "Has Chris had a lapse before in way similar to today?"
Aalin shook her head. "No. At least I don't think so. The situation was more personal." She looked away. "Maybe."
"I think you'd better explain," he prompted.
"In the aftermath of the shuttle crash, when we were stranded on the moon, I …" She squirmed. "I was scared … rattled … I needed reassurance …" Her cheeks reddened. "I didn't want to die without … being with him … so I …" A long exhale. "I … propositioned him, nearly begged. He was … did not reciprocate … and … put as much physical distance between us as is possible in such a small ship."
Facing Isak again she finished, "But that felt different than what happened today. Chris might have been thinking of other things, other places, but he most definitely knew I was there and what I was asking for."
"I agree, not the same. And it will stay between the three of us."
"Thank you."
Isak's resolve wavered. He leaned back in his chair. How do I handle this? he asked himself. No one could have pried Chris from Aalin's side if she were truly injured. This is the reason he asked me to check on her.
He fixed her with a security officer's stare. "When he reacted aggressively, why didn't you defend yourself? You are scheduled next week for your retest in self-defense, if you can put me on the mat, you should be able to do the same with Chris."
"I didn't feel threatened."
"Fair enough. Thus you assessed the danger and decided a nonresponse was best?" he continued his cross-examination or grilling as his partner frequently described this style.
"Not really, no. At least not consciously. I was with Chris, the possibility he might hurt me never entered my mind."
"Choice or not, planned or not, no response was wise. Chris is experienced in close-quarters combat, if he perceived imminent danger and ... was confused, simply raising your arm might have triggered this training. You don't have the skills to match it. End result, he might have injured you, seriously."
"This is a surreal conversation," Aalin muttered.
"Yeah. I get that. And If this ever happens again …"
She looked up at him. The uneasy expression in her eyes was brief yet noticed.
His expression softened and he reassured, "the possibility is very remote. Unlikely." A sigh. "But if it does, react in the same way, stand down. Don't try to touch him. Give him time to reorient. Talk to him calmly in that gentle tone of yours about something in common, preferably something only you know, doing so will remind him who is in the room. Don't try to walk past him unless there is no other option, and if you have to, don't run. Keep your gait normal. This is important, tell me you understand."
"Chris would never hurt me," Aalin protested again.
"Not intentionally, I agree," Isak said. "Chris is one of the strongest beings I know. He's weathered … a lot. That's the life we chose. Still his heart and mind remain open, he is who he has always been, the wide-eyed boy scout trying to live up to a set of ideals."
Concern filled his voice and his tone turned pleading, "Harming you physically, even if the act wasn't his fault, I think that might break Chris. And I need to reassure him you know what do to if this happens again."
"But it was nothing. Just trying to get away from me. A harder push than intended," she argued.
"Yes."
Aalin cradled her forehead in one hand. Her temple now throbbed in time with her heartbeat. "I understand." she said. Her voice was beyond weary. "Assure Chris I understand."
ooooo
After speaking with Lynn Lucero, Una sought out Isak in his quarters. They stood near the living area. "Anything concerning?"
"Nothing. Aalin's responses confirm all happened as Chris reported, though I'd wager with a bit less force than he described." Isak pulled a glass out of a stasis box and handed her one of his green concoctions. "Drink it, I'd also bet you skipped dinner." He grinned. "This is what happens when Dad is too busy to cook."
But his smile quickly faded. "Are you going to log the incident?"
"Only if your record forces my hand. Are you?" Una countered.
"Nope. As was expressed to me this evening, 'even Captains are permitted moments that are not officially and publicly documented.' And she's right. Aalin fiercely guards Chris' privacy. Another gold star for her."
"What?"
"You know, in primary school, when you did well, the teacher put a gold star on your paper," he answered. "Oh wait, you probably skipped grades one through six."
"I lived in a small colony; we didn't have school levels delineated by age."
"Nor gold stars?"
"No."
"Pity. Not that I earned all that many myself." Isak assessed his friend as they bantered, he saw a too pale complexion, a rigidity in her posture. "Talos has been on your mind recently?"
"You do get right to it," Una remarked.
"Never been any good at dissembling. And my husband reads minds so what's the point?" he said.
"Talos on my mind? Yeah. Too much," she reluctantly admitted. "I thought Chris had made peace with what happened there."
"He did. But he never expected to fall in love and wholly share his life with another," Isak noted. "Reassessing regrets and painful memories are a part of that."
"Perhaps. Or perhaps the wounds resulting from the events on Talos are more deeply rooted than we thought … and lingering," she murmured. Una set her untouched glass on a side table and faced Isak; her dark eyes bored through him, gone was their usual intense curiosity. Hers was an other-worldly stare full of strength. And loathing.
Unconsciously Isak took a step back.
She continued, "If he hasn't healed, have I? Or was the Talosian's final heinous act embedding a trigger in our minds which would reignite the whole nightmare days, months, or even years later." Her shoulders sagged and her tone sounded defeated. "Maybe Chris has been right all along, maybe they are still screwing with our heads."
"A 'if we can't have you, you can never have another' revenge play?" Isak asked with a raised eyebrow.
"I know how it sounds." Una pinched the bridge of her nose.
Matt answered as the doors swished shut behind him, "Nothing is far-fetched in our lives out here. Sorry, wasn't expecting visitors and didn't have my shields in place. Anyone going to fill in the context for me?" He glanced at the table. "I see we are having green for dinner."
"You'll be involved in it tomorrow," Una said. She recited a brief summary.
"Oh hell," Matt muttered.
Isak and Una continued reviewing the day's events.
"Uh," Matt interrupted. "I get you have bigger things to think about right now, a crew and ship and all, but there is also a small yet important piece getting lost in the scuffle."
ooooo
Aalin sat in the dimly lit room trying to make sense of the whirlwind of events and put them into perspective.
"No," she affirmed aloud, "Chris would never hurt me."
Her hand brushed against the pocket holding the note. After digging it out she stared at it, reading and rereading: Fuck the Captain. Get to play officer. Was it truly only today I received this? Feels like a month ago.
She refolded the paper and laid it aside, intent on destroying the message in a reclamator tomorrow morning. Not worthy of attention. Not important. Chris doesn't need this added to his burdens.