Preemptive Author Note: The rating for the fic has been bumped. When you reach the end...you will know...Oh yes...you will know!
Lie Ren was a creature of routine. He awoke exceptionally early to prepare for the day. As he headed to the restroom to attend to his hygenic needs, he said a quick good morning to Pyrrha. The stoic young man could definitely respect the work ethic of his teammate. She was leaving the dorm exactly at sunrise for her morning run.
In all honesty, Ren believed that JNPR was as close to a perfect situation as Ren was likely to get at Beacon. Jaune was an excellent friend and a very solid leader. Ren's 'brother-from-another-mother' as Nora had dubbed Jaune listened well and was incredibly driven. Fortunately, Jaune was driven towards positive pursuits. Lie Ren found Jaune's situation with Pyrrha and Team RWBY fairly amusing. It wasn't every day one found themselves as the best friend of a person trapped in a real world harem comedy. Ren was grateful for three things regarding Jaune's situation. First, he was complimentary of Nora while being respectful. Second, Jaune wasn't being a jackass and toying with Pyrrha, Ruby, Blake, and Weiss's budding feelings. Finally, Ren was actually grateful for Jaune calling Ren out in regards to Nora.
The situation was complicated, but that was likely a mess of Ren's own making.
Nora and Ren were basically all the family the pair had. They had been together since...since the Grim. Nora had been a part of his life since the hyperactive redhead had grabbed his hand and led him to safety as the Goliath breached the walls.
Realization crashed down around him just like the walls. He was afraid. Nora Valkyrie; the hyperactive, somewhat loopy, and beautiful young woman, was a cornerstone of Lie Ren's very identity. She was the one constant throughout all the refugee camps, orphanages, Combat School, and now Beacon. The thought of altering the comfortable dynamic was far more horrifying than the King Taijito had been.
'She...did want me to take my pants off,' Ren mulled over the odd thought. 'But with Nora...you can never tell...'
He wasn't sure how to proceed. The kitchen was a quiet refuge from his thoughts. And the snoring of two of his best friends. 'No wonder Pyrrha seems so eager to leave in the mornings. Jaune and Nora seemingly hit the turbo on their snoring the closer it gets to 7am.'
Jaune wasn't the only cook on Team JNPR. Ren may not have the breadth of Jaune's cooking experience, but he was confident in one area.
Pancakes.
'I'll have to talk with Jaune about that,' Ren decided as he completed cooking breakfast. A sniffle from the bedroom caused Lie to snap around. That was clearly Nora. He knew she occasionally got night-terrors from the destruction of their first home. There was something odd about the troubling subdued reaction. "What could it be?"
The rhetorical question was seemingly answered by Jaune's Waste Bucket. 'Go find out,' reverberated through Ren's head. The 'ninja' blinked and wondered if there really was a reason Jaune insisted that everyone 'capitalize' Waste Bucket.
"Nora?" Ren whispered as he walked towards his partner's bed. "I have a double stack."
The Valkyrie rubbed her eyes. "Thanks Renny."
"Was it..."
"Not this time, Renny...but thanks for being...you know...here. I just found out something horrible about sloths!" Nora grabbed her scroll and forced it into Ren's hands.
An article on the...dangers of sloth bathroom habits was open, bookmarked, and even annotated was dominating Nora's Scroll.
"I was unaware sloths faced such...difficulties," Ren said diplomatically.
Nora nodded furiously. "It makes me sad. Sloths are the cutest animal in the world. So...I'm designing something to help them!" She snatched her Scroll back. "The Sloth Stop is a toilet that uses a combination of camouflage, artificial sloth pheromones, and not-being-on-the-ground to let the precious sloths crap in complete comfort and safety!"
"You have certainly put a great deal of thought into this," Ren graced his words with a relaxed smile. Nora returned the smile two hundred-fold. "Eat the pancakes and I'll look up patent information."
The Valkyrie reached up and 'boop-ed' Ren on the nose. "You're the best Renny."
'Maybe...if I could stop being a coward.'
Teams JNPR and RWBY had fallen into a comfortable routine over the next couple of weeks. Jaune had cooked a few other meals, but they had all been relatively simple. Beacon was working the students incredibly hard. The eight teens were definitely looking forward to the recovery weekend coming up. First, they had to get through Goodwitch's sparring classes. As Goodwitch called Ruby and Tenné to the ring, Pyrrha and Weiss approached Jaune.
"Sup, ladies?" The Arc asked as he prepared Crocea Mors for his inevitable match.
"RWBY was thinking about heading into Vale this weekend," Weiss mentioned. "I've talked with Pyrrha and Nora about it and they want it to make a joint team outing."
"And...you want me to cook?"
Jaune's partner shook her head at his question. "Actually, we weren't going to ask. You've cooked all of us several wonderful meals. We don't want you to think that you are are friend just because of your cooking. Blake, Yang, and I thought it would be nice to treat you to dinner somewhere."
"There's also a Spruce Willis movie coming out," Weiss mentioned.
The Knight smiled. "Let me guess, Nora wants an action movie night?"
"Ruby and Nora to be precise," Pyrrha cut in. "Though...I have not had many chances to enjoy such movies."
Weiss was mostly paying attention to her partner's match. She huffed as Ruby dodged a gout of flame fired from Tenné's Kanabō. "Stop being nice, Ruby." The heiress turned her attention back to her other two friends. "I've only seen artistic films. Nora's movie seems like a nice change of pace."
"Those really confusing indie movies that do things like have a bowl of pudding serve as a metaphor for the malleability of life?"
"Jaune," Weiss ground out. "How do you know about that movie?"
"Well, my oldest sister Joncquille helped write that movie," Jaune confessed.
Pyrrha frowned as she thought. "The only person who got credit for "Custard Solstice" was Ĵaluzo Verda."
"A question and a detail." Jaune ticked off each point with a finger. "First, why would you even watch a movie called "Custard Solstice"? Second, my sister's film class at Montross actually ghostwrote the movie."
"Premier. It wasn't by choice," Pyrrha admitted. "I had no idea what was going on. The symbolism was...dense?"
"Winter loves that movie. She made me watch it twice," Weiss admitted. Quickly, she stamped her foot. "RUBY!" The Schnee heiress stormed off to question why her partner was so nice in matches.
Jaune chuckled. "I hope knowing my sister is responsible for "Custard Solstice" hasn't made you question our partnership."
"There is nothing to worry about, Jaune. I am very aware that you have normal tastes in movies." Pyrrha responded.
Goodwitch proctored the next few matches. There were two matches in between Ruby and Tenné. The only one he paid a lick of attention to was the second member of Team ACDT. It was a solid enough fight. Dalm and Atian were cheering wildly alongside Tenné. Jaune was happy to see the Faunus twins being respected.
'When is a fight I'll care about going to happen?' Jaune mused.
For once the universe decided to mock Jaune in a non-lethal manner. Professor Glynda Goodwitch strode forward. "The next match is Nora Valkyrie and Cardin Winchester. Would both combatants step into the arena?"
Cardin rested his enormous mace on his shoulder and strode cockily into the arena. Nora looked excitedly between her teammates.
"Good luck, Nora," Pyrrha said first.
Jaune flashed Nora a smile. "Go all out."
"Thanks guys! And Pyrrha...don't you mean...break a leg?" Nora smirked. Everyone rolled their eyes.
"Show them why we are so proud of you," Ren said simply. Nora commenced with a 'Boop'. Jaune noticed a few details that stood out. First, Nora trembled a bit. She had never done that. Second, she had the faintest blush in the history of blushes. Pyrrha and Jaune exchanged a sly look. Nora produced Magnhild and skipped into the arena.
Jaune moved closer to Pyrrha. "Cardin's doomed."
"Nora has never looked more determined," the Invincible Girl agreed.
"I have a plan," Jaune announced. He was careful to keep his voice level. Ren's attention was completely focused on Nora. "This weekend...we're going to get them together-together."
"Wait," Pyrrha held up a hand. "They are not a couple?"
"Not together-together was the phrase Ren used," Jaune answered the question as Pyrrha's jaw dropped.
"But..."
"Tell me about it," Jaune flashed a smile and motioned to the arena.
Goodwitch gave the 'go' signal and the match was on. Cardin opened the match with a wild charge. His mace held so low that the speed of his charge was actually causing sparks to dance in his wake. Nora was smiling the entire time; Magnhild held in a low ready stance.
"I'm going to enjoy this," Nora said in the most dangerous tone Jaune had ever heard his friend use. The hyperactive ball of Boop and Hammertime swung her enormous warhammer at Cardin's knees.
"Oh god, she's trying to break his legs..." Jaune groaned. Both men of JNPR buried their heads in their hands at the same time. Pyrrha patted Jaune comfortingly on the back. The team leader looked up just as Cardin jumped clear of the attack. A curse escaped the much larger warrior's lips. The only thing on Nora's lips at the moment was a wicked grin promising a world of hurt. Nora's strength was soon on display as she swung the great weapon single-handedly. The overhead strike induced another curse from Cardin, an "Oh shit!" this time.
Nora was far more clever than anyone, save Ren, gave her credit for. Jaune frowned as he promised to never underestimate his friend again. "Nora is awesome."
"She baited Cardin beautifully," Pyrrha agreed.
"GO NORA!" Ruby and Yang called out from Team RWBY's position.
The attack clipped Nora's opponent in the shoulder. Cardin proved his skill by landing in a combat stance. His vicious swing actually cut a gash into the metal portion of Nora's combat uniform. A grenade shot helped Nora avoid the follow up swing. The two combatants were amongst the physically strongest of their class at Beacon.
"Cardin doesn't have Nora's maneuverability. Magnhild gives Nora an edge, but neither combatant can take a hit," Jaune pointed out. No one disputed the last point of Jaune's. Magnhild was an enormous warhammer that Nora could swing around like one of those really annoying party noisemakers. Cardin's flanged mace screamed brutality.
Nora slammed Magnhild's head into the arena floor creating a massive dust cloud. Ren smiled. "There we go, Nora."
"Are you sure they are not in a relationship?" Pyrrha whispered to Jaune. The tone of the question made it clear it was somewhat rhetorical and in jest.
Jaune smirked at Nora's match. She had silently shifted to her grenade launcher. A trio of explosions bracketed Cardin. Jaune observed the battle and started thinking of ways to incorporate Nora's tactics into JNPR's overall strategies. She of the Boop made continued to set the tone of the engagement. Nora continued to disguise her attempts to break Cardin's legs as a legitimate strategy. The pair exchanged a few blows, but nothing substantial.
Ruby had slipped away from her team and approached Jaune and Pyrrha. "Jaune, tell me if I'm crazy, but..."
"You're crazy," Jaune assured his friend. Silver and green eyes rolled in unison at Jaune's friendly teasing. "But?"
Ruby continued as if Jaune's interruption hadn't happened. "Nora is playing for time. She doesn't have Cardin's freakish Aura reserves. There hasn't been a chance for a knockout blow and she can't whittle him down because of how the arena is set up."
Despite the competition between the girls, there was a great deal of mutual respect. Pyrrha beamed at the younger Huntress. "That is very observant and quite accurate."
"Thanks, Pyrrha," Ruby responded to the comment. Her happiness at the acknowledgment as an equal pushed away the twinge of 'I feel bad that my friend and I like the same guy' that occasionally nibbled at the back of Ruby's mind.
Nora made one last gambit. Her combo started high and involved a few grenades. Goodwitch, sadly for Nora and several of the spectators, called an end to the match before Nora could succeed in her personal quest. Her final explosive-fueled leap had placed her in perfect position to crush Cardin's right knee.
"Aww..." Nora complained. Proffessor Goodwitch critiqued both combatants. Jaune vaguely heard the details. Nora's assessment was pretty much what Jaune and Ruby had expected. Nora returned to Team JNPR smiling at her victory. Her smiled faltered, somewhat jokingly, as she looked between her teammates. "I couldn't break his legs."
"You made a valiant effort." Jaune nodded.
The next few matches were fairly standard. Jaune supported his partner in her match, but there was nothing to critique. He had trained with her a great deal during the past couple of weeks. JNPR's strategies involving Pyrrha mostly revolved around teaming up with Jaune to form a shield wall while Ren suppressed other targets so that Nora could bring the hammer down. There were naturally other strategies, but Jaune had to see the specific situations of each mission before they could be formed. Pyrrha's match was over before it began really. Her reputation was as much of a weapon as Miló.
Weiss, Ren, and Yang all coasted through their fights. Jaune was proud of all his friends.
Then the moment he had been flipping between dreading and awaiting arrived. "Jaune Arc and Sky Lark."
"Wish me luck, ladies and Ren." Jaune was already heading to the arena. The shield component of Crocea Mors snapped to its full size with an audible snap! Sky actually jumped a bit at the display. Jaune actually had no intention of intimidating his opponent. He wasn't going to pass up exploiting a potential advantage.
"Good luck, Jaune!" Ruby called out.
"Yes, good luck, Jaune!" Pyrrha added.
"Don't show off too much, Fugitive!" Yang cried out.
Blake flashed her usual small smile. "Good luck."
"Snap him in half!" Nora decreed royally.
Jaune shook his head mirthfully as he strode into the arena. Goodwitch gave him an appraising look. 'I think she's aware Dad and Ozpin pulled some strings and shuffled a few papers to get me in.'
Sky seemed to shrink back a bit as the implications of five beautiful women cheering for Jaune. The Arc arced an eyebrow at his opponent. CRDL never interacted with JNPR or RWBY. Jaune had never paid the other team much attention. Now that the Knight was about to throw down with Sky, he took in a few details. The first was that Sky was wearing heavy armor like most of his team. 'Big on intimidation, small on substance,' Jaune thought.
He quickly continued his pre-match appraisal. Sky's weapon was a halberd with what appeared to be a gun built into the upper part of the weapon's shaft. Jaune was at a huge range disadvantage. The halberd combined with Sky's height and lanky arms provided a gigantic reach advantage. Beacon's training arena was also emptier than the deserts of Vacuo.
So, Jaune had one viable option.
He was going to have to go Full Yang/Nora. A voice in the back of his head warned him of the dangers that awaited him if he went Full Yang/Nora. Jaune wasn't sure he had much of a choice in this match. Cardin had shouted something at Sky, which was taken up by the rest of CRDL. It sounded harsh on the surface, but Jaune spoke Dude. They were ribbing their buddy. Sky actually smirked. The other young man's stance instantly improved.
'My friends outnumber your friends,' Jaune thought triumphantly. He smiled at the thought. Most of Jaune's life had been defined by family and vague acquaintances. The closest he had gotten to friends before Beacon were his dad and a few of his sisters. They were already family, so they really didn't count. Now, Jaune had friends he honestly couldn't believe he knew much less considered close friends.
Jaune also had the support of six beautiful women. Five were even single! Jaune wasn't sure how to approach the tangled web that was the Team JNPR and Team RWBY mutual attraction situation. Granted, Ren and Nora were pretty much married, but they might as well be living in the ballroom given how much they danced around each other.
Anyway, the fight...
It was time to go full Yang/Nora. Jaune started the fight with as close to a sprinter's start as he could manage. A battle cry escaped from the recesses of the knight's throat. Jaune made sure that it came from deep in his throat so it was deeper and hoarse. It worked! Sky hesitated for a single second, but Jaune had already taken a few more steps. He was that much closer.
The crack of Sky's Gun Halberd revealed that Jaune's opponent had regained his wits. Jaune had positioned his shield near perfectly. He knew nothing was perfect. He could already hear the critiques from Pyrrha and Weiss. Those critiques were drowned out by the impacts against his shield. The L of Team CRDL had aimed for center-mass in pretty much the textbook manner.
"Hyaaaaaa!" Sky cried out as the shots stopped and the overhead swing began. Jaune saw it coming and sidestepped quickly. He swung at the exposed area of Sky's torso. Jaune realized he hadn't given Sky enough credit. The other boy had jumped backwards to avoid the glaringly obvious counter attack.
Still, it really hadn't be executed all that great. Jaune's strike managed to carve a pretty wicked scratch in Sky's armor. 'Oh great, it really is for intimidation only. A freaking Beowulf would treat that armor like a can of Spam.'
Jaune cursed at the surprising strength behind Sky's second swing. The shield of Crocea Mors held true. The Chef's opponent cursed with equal venom as he couldn't both overpower or drive his weapon's axehead through Jaune's defenses. Jaune tried to counter with a quick thrust, but Sky pulled the best move of the spar. He caught Jaune's forearm between his upperarm and chest. The two young men struggled to gain any form of leverage.
'Think Jaune! You are a team leader! Use your head!' Jaune screamed at himself. In that moment, Jaune had truly gone full Yang/Nora. 'Damn it, Yang.'
Jaune used his head. Stars erupted behind Jaune's eyes. Sounds became muted and Jaune honestly had no clue what was really going on. All he could tell, vaguely, was that Pyrrha, Blake, Ren, and Ruby were yelling in surprise. Weiss was gaping like a fish out of water at what had happened.
Yang and Nora...
Yang and Nora were both on the ground laughing and reveling in their shared madness.
"The winner...and likely concussed young man...Jaune Arc," Goodwitch sighed.
Jaune tried to stumble out of the arena, but JNPR and RWBY quickly swarmed him.
"Jaune!" Pyrrha called out as she rushed to support her partner.
"That was..." Ruby fumed. She thought it was cool, but her very very very close boy...friend was supporting the most obvious concussion the Reaper had ever seen. Concussions were not cool.
"Skull cool?" Yang offered with a hopefully smile. She desperately hoped someone would add to the pun assault.
"I am proud of our fearless leader. He is certainly trying to get to the head of the class!" Nora followed up.
Yang jumped up and down excitedly. "Ruby...Blake, I think you need to face facts. Nora is my favorite for today. Maybe ever."
"Oh Oum...please...please stop. No more," Weiss moaned in physical and psychological pain at the puns.
"Miss Nikos," Goodwitch interrupted. "If you would take your partner to the infirmary."
Pyrrha nodded. "I will make sure he undergoes a concussion check."
"Thank you," the witch said. "Mr. Winchester...if you would do the same for your teammate."
Cardin acknowledged the professor. He was showing genuine concern for his friend and didn't take a shot at Jaune or even glare. The trip passed without incident. His head may have felt as if it was going to roll off his shoulders, but Jaune couldn't help smiling the entire way.
"Why...why did I headbutt Sky?" Jaune whined as he clutched Waste Bucket tightly.
Pyrrha rubbed Jaune's back gently. "I will admit that 'using one's head' is a valuable skill for a team leader, but I do not believe that use was what Professor Ozpin meant. You were magnificent. I just feel that an...alternative strategy would have sufficed"
"It seemed like a good idea at the time..." JNPR's leader whispered pitifully.
Team RWBY had joined JNPR in their dorm after classes. Yang, bless her insane heart, had brought over a glass of water. "Thanks, Yang."
"Eh, don't mention it. You're a half-decent guy, Fugitive."
There was silence as Jaune finished suffering. He quickly took the soiled Waste Bucket out of the room and cleaned it as well.
While Jaune was out of the room, Ruby turned to everyone. "So, you guys hear the joke going around campus?"
"Nope, but I wanna," Nora beamed.
The Reaper laughed a bit. "Everyone is saying that we're actually the one team. People are beginning to think we bribed Goodwitch with something to set all this," Ruby explained while motioning to everyone present, the general direction of Jaune, and their dorms. "up. Team ACDT is on our side though."
"That team has Jaune's friends from the airship on it," Blake mentioned idly. She flipped a page in Gris' travel memoir. "Jaune's very public pro-Faunus position has made him popular with the Faunus community here at Beacon."
'And with me,' Blake confessed silently.
"What did I miss?" Jaune asked as he came back. He still looked rough, but not as though he had been dragged behind a stampeding Goliath for a few hundred feet.
"Everyone at Beacon thinks we're one team," Weiss informed Jaune.
"We aren't?" The question Jaune asked was completely legitimate. He looked to Pyrrha and Ruby who nodded. The Chef turned to Ren and Nora. It was go time. "Hey, Nora. You get to pick dinner tonight!"
The 'I can't believe they aren't actually together-together' couple both went wide eyed at the declaration. "PANCAKES!" Nora yelled as she bolted from the room.
"Nora! Wait!" Ren called out. The thunderbolt had already escaped the room. The ninja was only a few steps behind.
"We only have a few minutes," Jaune said quickly. "Weiss and Pyrrha, fill us in."
Pyrrha motioned politely to Weiss. The Heiress smiled. "Pyrrha and I have called in a few favors, but for women of our talents it was quite simple. The sloth exhibit for Sunday has been rented out four an hour and a half."
"Perfect," Ruby exclaimed. "If this doesn't work, I'll eat an oatmeal raisin cookie!"
The declaration caused everyone to freeze in their tracks. Jaune looked to everyone and gulped. "This isn't a concussion symptom is it?"
"No, I heard it too," Blake said wide-eyed and terrified.
Yang cackled at her sister's declaration. "I will hold you to that!"
"But, we're all on board for the plan?" Jaune asked.
"I will definitely assist our friends," Pyrrha was the first to respond.
Weiss crossed her arms. "Those two will need some kind of push. It's up to us to provide it."
"We're all in," Blake cut in. Yang and Ruby gave an enthusiastic high fives. "But are we really going to have to eat what Nora chooses? Do we have any leftovers?"
There were negative head shakes all around. Blake paled. "C-Can't Jaune cook something?"
"That would be...preferable. I'm not sure Jaune is in any condition to cook, sadly," Pyrrha added as calmly as possible.
"Not with the concussion," Jaune broke the news gently. "The water Yang gave me tasted like Beef Wellington."
There were blinks all around. No one really knew how to respond to that. It was then Nora returned. She was carrying a cart over her shoulder while pushing another. Ren followed in her wake with a tray full of drinks.
"It was a Pancake Night!" Nora cried out. "We have enough for everyone!"
Everyone smiled at the grand entrance. As Nora put down the cart, Yang dashed across the room and scooped Nora up in a gigantic hug. "Never change, Nora."
Teams RWBY and JNPR were thrilled for the recovery weekend. Beacon had been pushing them incredibly hard. Everyone needed the break. Jaune's concussion would be fully healed after the glorious four-day weekend. Vale was lively. The teens loved the energy of the city. It was a welcome change from the structure of Beacon and classes.
"This is so great. A four day weekend...no Port...no Oobleck..." Yang sighed in transcendent happiness.
Ruby skipped alongside her partner. "I want to get some magazines! Last time...well...Roman interrupted."
"Guy is probably the caaaaampiest man in all of Vale. I mean, I use some pretty nifty makeup, but holy crap. I weep, weep, that my fabulousness will never be on that level," Nora complained/mocked.
A low thunderous rumble cascaded throughout the sidewalk. The horrific noise echoed off the buildings. The two teams looked back and forth.
"Lunch?" Ren asked.
"Lunch," Weiss agreed.
"How about that place?" Ruby pointed down the boulevard. "It has a TV crew at it. That must mean it is good!"
Jaune's jaw dropped. He tried to find the words to warn Ruby and the others. Warnings and cautionary tales died on his lips. Ruby had grabbed Yang and Weiss by the hands. The pint-sized Reaper was dragging them towards the small eatery. Pyrrha, Blake, and Nora seemed so happy. They were so excited. None of them had any clue...
"Is everything alright, Jaune?" Ren asked his bro. Jaune swallowed. He raised his index figure to make a point, but failed. He simply looked down at the ground. There was no avoiding it now.
This was happening.
"YOU FUCK-FACED URSA! YOU CALL THIS SHITE MEDIUM! IT'S FUCKING RAW, YOU ASS! I WOULDN'T FEED THIS FUCKING RAW SLAB OF PLASTIC TO A BEOWOLF! DO ME A FAVOR?"
Everyone stopped in their tracks. Poor innocent Ruby's eyes were as large as the shattered moon. "T-That's what the beeps were covering?"
"Is that...Gris Forneau? Weiss gasped. Jaune sighed. This was actually happening. Oh Oum above, this was becoming a thing.
"W-What?" A chastised voice finally spoke up from inside the restaurant.
"FUCK OFF!" Legendary TV host and chef Gris Forneau roared. His exit was so violent, that the door nearly came off the hinges. Any doubt that it was the infamous Huntsman-turned-world-class-Chef who had just used more foul language than Ruby had ever heard died. There was no mistaking his close cropped blond hair, his traditional chef's uniform, his bright red hyper-pissed skin mode, or his infamous chin-in-hand pose. Jaune took a few steps forward and took point.
"Jaune?" Nora whispered nervously.
A pair of steel-blue eyes shot up and locked onto Jaune. A smile worked its way across Gris' face. "Finally! Jaune, get your ass in there! I need someone to show those donkeys how to fucking cook a meal."
"J-Jaune...how does the angry scary man know who you are?" Yang whimpered.
The leader of JNPR took a deep breath and smiled. "Sure thing..."
"...Dad."
Author's note: Anyone see that coming? Eh? EH?
Normally, I would have kept this chapter in the usual ballpark of 6k-7k words, but Dat Cliffhanger! Remember to breathe and review. Reviews fuel this fic like incompetence in the kitchen fuels Gordon Ramsay's rage.