I lay there, a top my covers, with my hands folded over my stomach. I stare up at the ceiling with unblinking eyes and a scattered mind. The siege of information that has been given to me in the last twelve hours crash over me like a tsunami wave.

Drugged

Scientific experiments

Two months

It wasn't real….it wasn't real…not…real…

"Two months" I say out loud. I can barely believe it. Im so numb I can barely believe anything really.

I hear my door chime. I ignore it as I roll to my side and curl up into a ball. He'll override the code in just a moment, just as he always does. He will come to me timid but assuming, just as he always will. I close my eyes. I'm not ready to look at him.

I hear the doors swish open and his heavy footsteps enter my over lit domain. I should be surprised Im near sleep with the illumination nearly up to full capacity. Im aware that the darkness wasn't really as prevalent as we assumed. It was just a clever trick brought on by a simple formula of chemicals I so foolishly breathed into my lungs. I feel shame surge through me. For two months, I breathed in poison and hallucinated. For two months, where we could have found a way home I sat in a corner experiencing a bad trip.

He's at the foot of the bed now. He looms over me. I imagine he's assessing me now, trying to decide what action will be most to my benefit. I can almost hear his silent and constant prayers. His heavy frame jostles the bed slightly as he lays beside me and Im thankful my back is turned to him.

"Kathryn" he says softly.

I remain still.

"Kathryn" he says once more "Im here. I never left."

My stomach lurches. I turn my face into the pillow as hot tears burn behind closed lids. I feel his touch and I shudder. The last time we touched he was tearing my grip from the limp Ensign as I cried out it agony. He then was forced to pin me down long enough for me to be sedated.

"Let go! Let go! It's over! It's all over!" He cried out to me over and over and over.

I let out a weak cry as he pulls me against him.

"It wasn't real" I groan

"It was real enough" he whispers into my hair "it was real enough"

He's held me like this before. After my time with the borg, he held me just like this. To him it's a sacred moment that will go unspoken. To him this is a moment we shall hide under our uniforms the next day on the bridge, much like sex but on a deeper level, the deepest level imaginable. He honors this moment and I resent it.

Im sure I smell like a sickbay. I can still taste bile lingering on my breath. I can still feel my body vibrate with shivers every now and then. Though, the worst of the poison is gone, for some time my body won't completely be my own.

He holds me for what I assume is over an hour. He strokes my hair even through a short but violent wrenching fit. He gives me another hypospray to help ease my abdominal muscle pain from the relentless spasms.

"BE'lanna?" I finally ask

"She's in the same boat and complaining more about it" Chakotay chuckles "But she's doing fine."

"I…..her?" I ask softly

His breath stills but only for a moment.

"Stable" He says "The Doctor is hopeful"

I say nothing. Though I know Chakotay would never lie to me, I feel I can't believe him. I sit up abruptly only for the walls to start spinning. The cortical stimulator located behind my left ear beeps loudly. I fall back slightly only to be caught by my doting first officer. I lightly finger the device.

"Forgot about that thing" I say weakly

My commbadge beeps. I slap it.

"I know!" I say indignantly

"I should not have to remind you captain both you and Miss Torres are not ready for ANY activity! I must have a malfunctioning subroutine to have let you out of this sickbay!" The Doctor laments

"She's fine doctor" I hear Chakotay respond beside me "I'll keep an eye on her."

I swing my legs to the side of the bed, easing away from his embrace and rest my head in my hands. I should be thankful for my first officer's diligence and how I am finally back "home" after pining for what felt to be an eternity in that box of nightmares. As I listen to Chakotay get up from the bed and order me some ginger tea, I start to understand some of BE'lanna's hatred towards me. But instead of wanting more from him I want less. I want him to leave me be and allow me to lose myself in the unfamiliar feelings ravaging my senses.

I look up at him and he looks at me like I hung the moon. Somehow, that hurts even more.

"I feel like I'm losing a child" I laugh bitterly "I've never even given birth."

"You do kind of mother the crew" he offers

I take the steaming cup from his hands and blow on the amber liquid before taking a tentative sip. I wince as the warmth eases down my aching esophagus and what I assume is the remnants of my stomach. I feel him watching me. He's picturing me as a mother now, a mother to his child. Im sure he's imagining me cradling a squirming infant to my chest, placing kisses on the soft crown of the child's head as I breathe in that baby-fresh-from-the-bath smell. Perhaps, he see's a baby with dark wisps of hair, a round face and an irish nose dusted with freckles on soft carmel skin. I won't lie, I've imagined it too. I'm sure right now, just for a moment, he makes believe Im drinking ginger tea due to morning sickness and not a mysterious poisonous gas.

"I don't know how Sam does it" I admit "To love a child so much in a place like this"

"She's very strong. But Im sure having an entire ship looking out for Naomi helps" He says with his usual smirk

My finger traces over the mouth of the mug, the cool metal against my skin feels soothing until a for a moment I thought I felt a heartbeat and for a moment Im looking down at an angelic face losing its vibrancy. The cup lets out an odd thud as I smack it onto the nightstand.

"Kathryn?" he asks in concern

I stand on my shaky limbs and tuck a loose strand of hair behind my ear before turning to him.

"I need a bath" I say "You must be exhausted"

He understands he's being dismissed but to my surprise I see that Maquis flicker in his eyes.

"Well, as your appointed caregiver, I will happily wait just outside the door in case you need me" He announces proudly

"You jest, Commander"

"You don't think The Doctor would have let you out of sickbay so soon otherwise would you?"

"Well I un-appoint you then"

"Im afraid that's impossible, Captain"

"Let me guess. You have a PADD."

The device is presented and I scan it's contents. Sure enough, the doctor has taken it upon himself to activate medical law, going over my head. I have also overlooked the fact that Chakotay has been the acting captain in my absence and command won't be handed over to me until my medical leave is finished. In any other situation, I would march to sickbay and make that damn hologram retract his protocol. But I don't have the energy to fight and by the sad smile gracing Chakotay's face, he knows it. I hand the PADD back to him and slowly make my way to the dresser.

"Chakotay" I say sardonically as I rummage through my limited articles of clothing

"Yes, Captain?" he asks with a smile in his voice

"Was I mistaken that Mr Paris also signed off for your….new position?"

"No you were not"

"Remind me to speak with Mr Neelix tomorrow about Mr Paris's lack of vegetable intake. I think more leeola root should do the trick. Health is key. Don't you think?"

"I couldn't agree more."

I give him a smile before taking sanctuary.