The water laps around my body and eases my muscles enough to allow the random twitches to lessen. I prop my feet up on each side of the facet and scoot lower into the tub. My head turns when I hear Chakotay moving about my quarters, possibly making a dinner Im not sure I have the stomach to eat. I stare at the door willing him to leave but I know he won't. My eyes drop to my hand resting on the side of the tub, it looks different somehow. I hold it up to examine long boney fingers, pale, freckled and I smile a little when I realize I have my mother's hands.
Usually, I would play Mozart or an exciting holonovel to fill the spaces in the small enclosure. Usually, when I ease into the tub I don't want to hear myself think but for now I need to reflect, I need to revel in the agony of my subconscious.
I wonder what BE'lanna is doing to handle her grief. I know she's most likely fighting tooth and nail to throw herself into work or at least throwing herself into a rigorous holodeck program. Either way, she is certainly giving Tom and the Doctor hell. The chuckle bubbling in my throat ceases its movement when my mind shifts to the unconscious ensign laying on a biobed in sickbay. The taste of my laughter turns bitter.
They drugged me to near insanity. I can handle that. But what in gods name did they do to her?
The Doctor gave very little information due to the fact he didn't know much. All he could say is that we weren't hallucinating her removal and she did suffer common inflictions of an abduction. But the drug she was administered was different and the long term effects are much less predictable. A jolt of anger rushes through me and I slap the water with a growl.
A knock on the door.
I groan.
"Kathryn?"
"Im fine!" I call back indigently
He's quiet on the other side and I immediately feel guilt.
"The case of the runaway soap!" I joke weakly "I plan to put it in the brig after this."
He chuckles and I relax.
"We'll put up a level ten force field when you do. Dinner is ready whenever you get out."
"Thank you."
It's ridiculous how much I crave solace after being locked up in a cage for two months but my mind has been so loud and I will never rest until there is silence. I lean my head back and simply, as a creature of habit, I ask the computer to play a classical tune to fill the spaces.
Time passes and despite a few twitches, my body is motionless. As I examine the tiles of my ceiling the corners of my vision begins to close in and soon everything….
is
fading
out.
My eyes snap open and I laugh at myself for dozing off in the tub. I no longer hear Chakotay's shuffle and I decide to trudge out of the bathroom before another impromptu wellness check. I stand and am pleasantly surprised by how much the warm soak has done wonders for my spastic muscles. I am quick to dry off, dress and run a brush through damp locks. When I exit the bathroom, Im surprised not to see my trusty companion perched on the bed or shuffling about with medial tasks. It doesn't take me long to know he's not there.
Odd.
I worry that an emergency has called my first officer away so I scramble for a comm badge until I remember mine was removed from my kidnappers and I had not been issued a replacement.
"Computer" I call out
a beep of acknowledgment
"Locate Commander Chakotay"
"Specify"
"Specify? Where is Commander Chakotay located in the ship?"
"Specify"
"How much more specific can I get?"
"Specify"
I let out a huff of frustration. I decided to march down to engineering to get to the bottom of the current predicament, medical leave be damned.
The doors to my quarters swing open and I step out shaking off the slight embarrassment of my crew seeing me not in my usual pristine Starfleet uniform. Thankfully, the hallway appears to be deserted. My worry doesn't peak until I realize all the hallways are abandoned. I quicken my pace to get to the nearest turbolift, my hand reaches for the lift's monochrome buttons when I hear a soft whine behind me.
I turn to see just fifteen feet away, the young ensign I once cradled in my arms. A lump forms in my throat as she gazes back at me. Her skin still holds a tinge of grey, she's still wearing a medical gown and by the confused grimace contorting her angelic features, Im aware she may not know exactly where she is.
I take a step forward and she backs away timidly.
"Ensign" I say softly "It's all right."
She remains frozen. Her eyes scanning me as I can see her going over the thousands of options running through frantic thoughts.
"Do you know where you are?" I ask. I feel as if Im coaxing a small animal out of a trap. I yearn to pull her in close. She looks so fragile.
She opens her mouth to speak and I wince when I see her teeth are still stained with blood.
"Home…home" she croaks.
My stomach twists as she utters her haunting words.
"You are home" I coo "You're back on Voyager."
"Home…" She repeats a little louder
I take a step forward and to my relief she remains still.
"You're safe now." I say softly as I continue a slow, timid journey towards her "You're back on Voyager and we're going to take care of you."
"Home." She repeats fervently, desperately.
We are face to face now and I place a firm hand on her shoulder. She recoils for a moment but steels herself before looking me directly in the eye. She opens her mouth to speak again but stops. She looks over my shoulder and a look of sheer terror is the mask she wears. I turn to see a dark figure standing inside the turbolift. Quickly, I pull the young woman to my side and start running into the opposite direction. I feel the ensign try to keep up but her legs simply refuse to work properly and I end up supporting almost all her weight.
"Red Alert! Computer Intruder Alert!" I bellow
"Specify" The automatic voice responds
"Jesus Christ!"
My lungs already burn and the weight I carry is getting harder and harder to support. I feel my body slowly give out and the two of us fall to our knees. I look up to see another dark figure coming our way and the figure behind us has caught up enough to grip onto my shoulder. I hear a familiar gurgle and I turn to see my broken companion spit up blood. She collapses into my arms and I start to scream.
"No! No! Not again! Not again!" I hear myself cry out.
The hand on my shoulder tightens its grip and begins to shake me. I take no mind. The woman in my arms is motionless and I long for BE'lanna's presence.
"Not again! Not again!" I repeat in a strangled mantra. I can feel her blood seep into my clothes, into my skin, into my soul. I am aware her blood will never leave me. I am acutely aware I will be forever stained of her sacrifice for my failure. I am covered in the stains of blood of my crewman who have died under my command. They have died due to my failure.
The dark figure jostles me and for the first time it makes a sound. It's calling to me by name. Kathryn! Kathryn! Kathryn! I groan as my world begins to fade.
Kathryn! Kathryn! Medical Emergency Transport! Kathryn!
Im falling into darkness. I pray that death will come soon. "Please" I plead. For what? I don't know. To whom? It doesn't matter to me now. I just hope the darkness will end. I can still hear the dark figure calling my name.
Kathryn!
Im floating in nothing but I feel a shift. A hiss. I let out a whine. Another shift.
She'll come to in just a moment.
It's ok Kathryn.
Suddenly, there is light. Its blurred and blinding but I am very aware of my new reality. My eyes adjust to the sickbay lights and I see Chakotay standing over me.
"What happened?" I ask
He examines me with an expression that is unreadable.
"You fell asleep in the tub" He explained "You started screaming and I couldn't wake you."
"Brain waves are at a normal rate and everything else seems to be running in order" The Doctor announced as he waved his tricorder over me. I attempt to sit up and become aware that I am dressed only in a soaked bath towel. My hand slaps over my chest and I lay back down in fear of exposing my backside.
"My prognosis is the Captain simply had a bad dream" The Doctor exclaimed slapping his device shut "Though I do suggest more appropriate sleeping quarters next time."
I give the hologram the best glare a woman can give dressed in only a soaked towel, after further embarrassing herself with her lack of self control. I can't help but shiver as the cool, filtered air of the sickbay clings onto my wet skin.
"Doctor, may we get a gown for the Captain?" Chakotay requests somewhat curtly
"Certainly" The Doctor says with a nod before turning away.
Chakotay looks to me for only a moment and quickly looks away. Another shiver runs through my body and I turn my head away only to see the young ensign laying peacefully on the main exam table. I feel my heart skip a beat when I take note that her pallor looks less grey than when I had last seen her.
"Let me guess, the Captain has not eaten yet." The Doctor states, back at my side, holding a blue medical gown.
"I was cooking dinner when she….when the incident occurred" Chakotay explained.
"I would suggest supervised showers from now on and I will provide you with a mild sedative to help the Caption enter dreamless sleep. She needs rest." The Doctor explained with a slight tone of defeat. "You're free to go".
My first officer turns away as I sit up and peel the towel off of me.
"No argument for me to stay? No extra quips about coffee intake? What bug snuck into his program?" I ask with a grin
" He discovered BE'lanna during a drug withdrawal was more than he could handle. But come to think of it BE'lanna anytime is more than he can handle" Chakotay chuckles.
"Decent" I say as I place to feet on the ground and savor the feel of dry fabric on my skin. But my mind shifts back to the other patient in the quiet sickbay and within moments I am by her bedside.
Her face has been washed, no more blood. Her long blonde hair is splayed about the pillow and brows are no longer knitted in anguish. But she looks weak and her breath is labored. I take her hand.
I know Chakotay is beside me, he always is.
"This." I say softly "This is Starfleet" my thumb brushes over her soft knuckles "We're alone here. So very alone. But we have to keep Starfleet alive."