Tick. Tick. Tick.

Beep.

I've grown to find the sounds the little PADD emits rather calming when reviewing reports. I chuckle at what a creature of habit I have become. Though, considering the multitude of surprises the Delta Quadrant has offered us thus far, it should come to no surprise that as humans, we would crave some form of routine.

My door chimes.

"Enter" I call out, not bothering to look up. Sometimes, when I am aware that it is the ever anxious Ensign Kim and Im feeling mischievous, I hold out on looking up to test how long the poor boy can take the silence before his nerves take over. Mr Paris once took notice and complimented my devious prank which I naturally denied.

"Interesting report, Captain?" Mr Neelix chirped

"Efficient" I state wryly "Very efficient, Mr Neelix"

"Let me guess" He chuckled "Astrometric's?"

"I believe if you looked up efficient in the database, Seven would appear" I jest "What can I do for you?"

I watch the Talaxian bounce excitedly on the balls of his feet before placing a tray of exotic dishes on the coffee table.

"Commander Chakotay informed me that a trip down to the mess hall is still a bit taxing for you so of course I thought to bring the mess hall to you!" He announces proudly

"Oh, you didn't have to do that." I reply meekly

I was touched by the kind creature's actions. But I can't help but sense my smile somewhat falter at the mention of the mess hall. Though my stomach has been slowly recovering in the week and a half since my rescue, the thought of the congregated eating area puts me at unease, especially since just a few nights before.

I was feeling restless that night and in need to escape the ever closing confines of my quarters. I also felt it was keen to reconnect with my crew in order to give a sense of normalcy, especially with one of our own still unconscious in sick bay.

I had made my way slowly to the mess hall, mostly to savor the calming stroll through the ship but also to save my ever elusive energy. I entered the bustling area only to be immediately greeted by a chipper Harry Kim and my dearest Tuvok. They were quick to invite me to their table even though I was only there for a hot cup of ginger tea. I was scanning the room of the faces that held my quiet affection when my eyes connected with a familiar stare. There sat my once fiery engineer. She was wrapped in the protective arm of her doting husband, she had paused from gingerly prodding her food and she was examining me….closely. No longer did she stare at me with the look of crazed indignation. No longer did her lips curve into an ever present snarl. It was much worse.

Her eyes had no fire or sparkle. For a moment, I was lost in the dark abyss of her a gaze and I was consumed by her unrelenting sadness. I was consumed by the little girl who had suffered the reality of her deepest shame, exposed to the cruel world by a genetic tattoo across her forehead. I was consumed by a young woman who had found solace in a group of rebels only for them to be blotted out from existence before she could even say goodbye. I was consumed by the beautiful creature thrown into the depths of madness only to be pulled back by the cries of her captain, a nearly dead girl and a cold hypospray against her neck. I was consumed and spat out.

Our gaze lasted only for a moment until with a slight tremble of her lip, she looked away.

It was then I felt my knees go weak and asked if one of the gentlemen could be kind enough to escort me to my quarters. Harry, the ever helpful, replicated a steaming cup for me in record time and gladly gave me his arm. I held myself together enough to discuss ice-cream and book recommendations until we reached the doors of my quarters. I surprised my sweet escort with a kiss on the cheek, entered my quiet home and allowed the tears to fall without a fight.

"So what do you think, Captain?" Neelix asks with an eagerness of a child as his words pull me from my recent memory.

"Im sorry…what?" I ask sheepishly

"What do you think of the spread? Don't worry! The Doctor ensured that I covered all your nutrient needs while still going easy on the tummy!"

"It's so sweet and so…..much"

The platter before me could easily be a meal for three people, three very hungry people. The eager Talaxian presented me a platter of edible treats in every size, shape and color that one could think of.

"Neelix I don't….Its so…I don't think I can eat all this."

My relationship with food could be defined more of an acquaintance at best pre-kidnap. My mind is usually running at warp ten and therefore so is my anxiety. So naturally, the plan to sit down for a decent meal is put on the back burner. Now that I can't help but face the wonderments of stomach acid whenever I eat or the surprise waves of nausea, food has become the least of my affections.

"Oh I don't expect you to! I just thought a little variety would be nice" the kind chef explains.

"Well then" I say as I place the PADD beside me "Why don't you join me in my battle of the banquet!"

I can't help but giggle as I watch the creatures face brighten with a smile that could light up the quadrant. I decide to let myself enjoy this moment in time as my plate is piled with an assortment of treats, each explained in great detail. The bright demeanor of my dinner companion is the perfect juxtaposition from the dark shadows that have been dancing through my mind. But above all he is so gracious and so patient. As our meal drags on he pretends he doesn't notice how slowly I eat or when I wince as my digestion relearns its purpose. My conversation with Mr Kim is repeated and elaborated on but this time I don't have to fight back tears. I enjoy that the taste of my laughter doesn't taste bitter and I marvel at Neelix's ability to allow me to feel supported but never smothered.

"Did you always like to cook?" I ask as I lean back and rest my hands on my already bloated stomach.

"Not when I was a youngling. Oh boy! Did I grumble and moan when my mother would call me to the kitchen for another lesson" Neelix chuckles before his eyes grow misty " But now…now it's a part of me. I love every minute I stand over a steaming pot or sizzling pan. I feel my mother with me and I just feel…good."

"She would be so proud of you."

"You're to kind"

"Im proud of you"

My compliment takes him by surprise. I smile and if Im not mistaken, I believe he's blushing. He looks as though as he is struggling to say something big but feels the weight of an uncertain outcome. I sit up slightly and nod. He shifts about and looks down at his large spotted hands.

"When you were gone…I…we…it just wasn't…."

He lets out a defeated sigh as once again his words come out as a jumbled mess.

"I missed you too" I conclude.

He looks at me both with embarrassment and relief before slapping a hand on the table.

"It's getting late! You should get some rest! We don't want The Commander getting to comfortable in the Captains seat!" He chirps before standing.

"He better not!" I say with a laugh.

I walk him to the door before he turns to me one last time.

"It's…really good to have you back. It's really good to have all of you back" He states with a nod.

Im unsure of what else to say so I nod as well and watch him turn away as the doors slide shut.

I know I should head to bed but the thought of another night of running from shadowy figures in my dreams sends a chill down my spine. I glance about my quarters and my eyes fall on the discarded PADD on the couch. I consider finishing the read but the contents are predictable. I close my eyes fighting the urge to stroll the ship, I know where it will take me. It will take me back to her. So many nights I patrol the quiet cocoon that is Voyager, with not much thought only to find myself face to face of the sickbay doors. I pinch the bridge of my nose as I chastise myself for my lack of self control. But I shouldn't feel surprised when I turn and exit.

This time I am more aware. This time I don't take my time. My strides are long and each step is made with purpose. I'm going to see her. I can't handle one more journey through the long corridors of my ship only to find myself at the doors of sickbay and chickening out of going in. Naturally, I check on the progress of the ensign's health daily. But since the night of my bathtub incident, I'm unable to bare the thought of that little body, lying on a sickbay bed, unmoving and barely alive.

Here I am. Standing before charcoal doors and Im fighting the screaming contradictions in my mind. I take a deep breath and the doors slide open. I enter quietly.

I stop when I see a figure sitting beside the ensign's bed whom clearly, is not the doctor. BE'lanna is reclined in a chair as she reads from what sounds to be a Klingon romance novel. I'm at first alarmed at how thin my chief engineer has become but I'm well aware we all have returned from our stint in the box of nightmares a little less than what we were before. I feel my heart warm when I realize BE'lanna is holding the young woman's hand as she reads and despite the harsh, guttural sounds of the klingon language, her words have a maternal undertone. I'm watching BE'lanna's thumb stroke the woman's knuckles just as I had before until I realize the movements have stopped and so have the words.

She looks at me somewhat bewildered. I feel my cheeks begin to burn and I feel as though I have walked in on two crewman in the middle of an intimate act. She slaps the PADD onto the bed as she stands. I feel a wonderful spell has been broken and a jolt of panic.

"Please" I beg "Don't stop on my account."

She licks her lips and shifts uncomfortably much like Neelix a few hours ago.

"It's….getting late" BE'lanna says quietly "I should go."

To hear her speak is music to my ears and I become fully aware just how much I have missed her. I look down at the young woman still lost in her slumber.

"She has more color." I state meekly

"Her breathing has improved" BE'lanna replies in kind "The Doctor says she may wake up pretty soon. Maybe a week or so but….it's up to her."

She blushes as if she has said to much. I approach her wanting to reassure. She looks down.

"I should go." She states once more

"Please. Don't go." I plead "The story was just getting good."

"I'm to tired to read" She replies as her voice cracks at the last word.

Usually, with BE'lanna, her statement would be an argument for a way out. But it feels as though this time it's the honest truth. She's still angry, I know that. Anger is how she works, how she lives and how she is wired. But this time her anger has been twisted inside out and the honest-to-god hurt has taken over.

She still is looking down, afraid to face me. I reach out and gently lift her chin with a finger until she finally she looks me in the eye.

"I can take over for a bit. But my Klingon is pretty rusty".

She mulls over my offer for a moment before a ghost of a smile graces her lips. She clicks on the PADD before handing it to me. I perch myself at the foot of the bed and happy to discover the words have been adjusted to the English translation. BE'lanna reclaims her seat and with only a moments hesitation, clasps the woman's hand once more.

"The mistress of Kahless was a formidable lover…." I began to drone.

I read. The women listen. Voyager hums. The stars still shine. For only moment, just this moment, all is right.