I've never had a therapist, just really good friends who give great advice, so I apologize in advance for Anna's unconventional techniques. So angst is not in the official description of this fic, but when has there ever been romance without angst? I promise we'll have romance ... soon!
I.
"Did you believe him?"
In response to the question, Rachel looks over at her therapist, Anna, completely confused.
Rachel has just finished a 20-minute recap of her and Jesse's relationship back in high school, complete with cameos by Shelby, Run Joey Run, and the infamous parking lot egging incident.
"What do you mean?" Rachel states softly, hoping to avoid Anna's unsettling question with a practically ridiculous one of her own.
Anna rolls her eyes so Rachel can see she means business, and, despite herself, Rachel smiles.
On the recommendation of her therapist back in Lima, Rachel had gone to see Anna a week before starting at NYU. Anna's no-nonsense attitude and her ability to make Rachel feel like she was talking to a non-judgmental girlfriend had won the famously hard-to-please diva over immediately.
Over the past few months, Anna was the one she had unloaded on about how mean the girls in her dorm were, or about her fears of never making it to Broadway. She and Anna had spent hours analyzing her and Finn's relationship, trying to determine what exactly it was that Rachel was looking for in a future partner.
Anna always accepted Rachel's opinions and disagreed with her without being condescending. Even with her most intimate or negative thoughts and feelings, Anna never criticized or encouraged Rachel to believe or think differently.
Thankfully, Anna's uncanny gift of acceptance had also extended to Rachel's owning up to why she had been avoiding her office for the past few weeks: Rachel was presently paying her ex-boyfriend to pretend to be her current boyfriend.
Even Anna had raised an eyebrow at that one.
Taking Rachel's feigned ignorance in stride, Anna walks over to the small bar in the corner of the room and retrieves a package of dark chocolate covered espresso beans, aka 'the big guns.'
Sitting down again, Anna gets back to business.
"When Jesse told you that he loved you," Anna stresses, "Did you believe him?"
Without thinking, Rachel scoffs and folds her arms across her chest. "He cracked an egg on my forehead," Rachel contends. "What does it matter?"
Rachel looks up when Anna is silent for a long while.
"What?" Rachel asks defensively, feeling unusually self-conscious in Anna's presence.
"Nothing," Anna states unconvincingly. "I'm just wondering why it is that this is the first I've ever heard anything about Jesse. We've talked about Finn ad naseum since you've been coming to see me, Jesse has obviously had an important impact on your life, and this is the first time I've ever heard you mention his name."
Rachel picks at the buttons in the upholstery of the couch for a long time. Anna knows her well enough by now that she doesn't expect an answer.
"You did believe him," Anna states cautiously. "Even with Vocal Adrenaline and all that stuff with your mom, you knew that he did love you."
Rachel looks away, but doesn't say anything to deny Anna's assertions.
"You felt the same way," Anna states suddenly, but with the utmost confidence.
Rachel shoots her a mean look. "It was all a game to him and Shelby. He would have said anything to get me to fall for him. He still left me to go back to his team and to go back to her. All he wanted to do was to get me into bed. Frankly, I'm not sure that has changed."
"Right," Anna deadpans. "Because you hand a condom to a guy and tell him to do whatever he wants to you and he turns you down because, according to you, all he's interested in is getting you into bed. Makes perfect sense."
Rachel sighs loudly, obviously reaching her breaking point. "That's why I'm here," she whines loudly, holding her face in her hands. "Every time I feel like I have the upper hand with him, he manages to turn everything around on me."
"I feel like you've been holding out on me, Rachel Berry," Anna half-complains, half-accuses. "We spend weeks talking about Finn Hudson – the guy who says 'I love you' every time you go on stage but who is also the guy you spend your entire high school career chasing after - simply to convince yourself that he means what he says and what you two have is real - until it all blows up in your face. And you neglect to mention Jesse – the guy who you date for six weeks and whose declaration of love has the ability to shut you down completely; the guy who you run to when you need someone to confide in and help you out with adjusting to life here in New York; and the guy who, for some reason, you can't even talk to me about."
Rachel swallows and folds her arms again, but still doesn't say anything.
Anna shakes her head, amused at Rachel's petulance.
"Let's start with the fact that you obviously trust Jesse. I can't ever imagine you going up to Finn and telling him that you need him to pretend to be your boyfriend because you have some sort of pathological need to be popular. You've never even told me you felt that desperate about what was going on at school. Can we talk about that?"
Rachel reaches for a chocolate covered espresso bean, pops it into her mouth, but says nothing.
"Fine," Anna relents, obviously frustrated with the normally talkative girl's hesitation, "That was the hard ball question. How about a soft ball?"
The therapist crosses her legs and throws Rachel a cheeky smile. "What's he like in bed?"
The question has its intended effect when Rachel breaks, blushing furiously.
"Aha," Anna exclaims, "I thought so. Mazel tov!"
Rachel shakes her head at Anna, still trying to fight a smile.
"Aside from the fact that he turned me down last night," Rachel clarifies diplomatically, "I don't really have any complaints in that department."
All of a sudden, Anna's eyes go wide. "The list," she states dramatically, already rifling through Rachel's file for what she's looking for.
"Anna," Rachel scolds. "No."
"But it's the Rachel Berry 'Top Ten Things I Want in a Life Partner' list," Anna teases. "I want to see how Jesse stacks up. Since you refuse to tell me anything about the guy, I have to figure this out somehow."
Anna finds the list and waves it triumphantly in Rachel's direction. "So we've already crossed passionate lover off the list," Anna says with a wiggle of her eyebrows.
"Next is knowledge of all things Broadway," Anna says, raising her eyes to meet Rachel's.
"Check?"
"Check," Rachel says softly, sounding almost reluctant.
"Can he keep up with you vocally?"
"Check."
"Intelligent?"
"Check."
"Barbra and Celine?"
"Check and Check."
"Good listener?"
"Check."
"You realize he's already got Finn beat and we're on number 6, right?"
Rachel nods, but doesn't say anything else.
"Ambition?"
"Only rivaled by mine," Rachel states matter-of-factly.
"Confidence?"
Rachel scoffs. "More like arrogance."
"But that's still a check, right?" Anna asks.
"Fine. Check," Rachel admits.
"Romantic?"
"He can be," Rachel muses. "He's very good at gifts and surprises and planning things, but not overly so."
Anna starts tapping her pencil against the notepad. "The last one," she warns Rachel. "The most important. The one we couldn't define in one word and had to use the entire chorus of an Alanis Morissette song."
You see everything, you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can't relate
And you're still here
"So," Anna broaches, "Does Jesse see all your light and love all your dark?"
Instead of answering, Rachel gets up from the couch and stands by the plant over by the window.
"I'm going to take that as a yes," Anna guesses, "Which means that Jesse is a perfect ten."
Silence.
"But you already knew that," Anna says, foregoing all games, opting now for the stark reality that they both can no longer ignore. "I think you knew that the day we made this list."
"Fine!" Rachel yells at Anna, something neither of them is used to. "But you know what's missing from that cute little list? He has to feel the same way about me! And I've been there with him," Rachel assures her, "I was so damn naïve! I stood on a stage and I told him that I would give all of myself to him, and all I asked of him was that he didn't hurt me. Do you know what that's like? Opening yourself up and giving yourself over to another person only to have him choose everyone else in his life before he chooses you?"
"Then why is he still here? Why is he still with you?" Anna challenges her. "Why is it so easy for you two to find each other when it would be just as easy - easier even - to stay away?"
"I'm paying him, Anna!" He's only doing this because of the money. The first time, he did it for whatever Shelby promised him or, I don't know, maybe just for kicks. It's not like he actually cares about me!"
"You pay me, Rachel, to be your therapist" Anna reminds her, "But I would hate it if you thought that I don't care about you as well."
"It's not the same thing," Rachel states childishly.
"According to you, Jesse is one of the most popular guys on campus, and every girl wants him. If he's not doing this for some other reason, you really expect me to believe he's desperate enough for minimum wage a week when all he gets in return is a blowjob every other day?"
Rachel lets out a loud breath. "I don't know why you're pushing this so hard!"
"Because I'm seeing a side to you that you've kept hidden from me for months! You invited Jesse back into your life; into your bed. Then, you try to treat him like you treated Finn – trying to control every aspect of your relationship so you can keep yourself protected or hidden away. But it's not working is it? Because it's not anywhere close to the same thing. Jesse's different. Am I right?"
Rachel has tears streaming down her face. Anna has never spoken to her like this. Actually, no one has ever spoken to her like this about Jesse. Most people had just assumed that Jesse had embarrassed her and she had moved on with Finn. She had convinced herself that that was what had happened too.
Anna is getting at something she's buried deep inside for years.
"I can't do this with him again," Rachel admits quietly. "You have no idea how much the last time hurt."
"Why not?" Anna dares to say. "Because this has a chance of being something real instead of some fairytale you dreamed up in your head? And because that scares the crap out of you?"
"Because he doesn't love me," Rachel retorts calmly.
"Everything you've told me today challenges that," Anna says, oddly calm after the heightened tones of earlier. "And since you came to see me today, I know there's part of you that feels the same way."
"Yesterday, I thought there might be a chance," Rachel admits, sitting back down on the couch. "Half the time, I remember everything from high school, and the other half I can't remember why it is I'm supposed to be so mad at him. We're just so natural together. But I can't even begin to figure out how to say that to him."
"What about an apology?" Anna poses. "Maybe it will jumpstart a conversation that has been years in the making."
"And then what?" Rachel asks, not excited by the concept of such an emotional conversation.
"And then you see whether you're his perfect ten too." Anna says, the most important part left unspoken.
Easier said than done.
II.
She leaves Anna and heads directly for Jesse's Starbucks, knowing that if she gives herself too much time to think, she'll chicken out of confronting him.
She's ready now to admit that she has feelings for him, but she doesn't know how to go from paying him to be her boyfriend to asking him to give her a chance for real.
When she enters the coffee shop, she is shocked to see Finn standing at the register, ordering what sounds like the most complicated drink known to mankind.
Jesse is trying his hardest to respond to Finn's demands with the utmost professionalism, but Finn keeps on changing his order halfway through his description, which causes everyone in line behind him to start arguing and cursing.
"Look, Hudson," Jesse says, finally reaching his limit, "We both know what this is about, so why don't we just take this somewhere else?"
"I don't think so Jesse St. Jerk. The customer is always right, and I'm very picky about my coffee drinks. Right here, right now – I'm the boss."
Jesse's cat-like reflexes are on full display, and before anyone realizes, Finn is covered in ice and milk, and Jesse's manager is apologizing profusely.
Rachel walks directly in front of Finn, and is somewhat pleased when he withdraws from her glare.
Ignoring him beyond that for the time being, she locks eyes with Jesse and, sensing that his manager is seething, asks him to come outside with her before things can get even messier.
Jesse shoots her a look that worries her because she is unable to decipher it, but he strips off his apron, and throws that, too, in Finn's direction before following her.
Outside, in the alleyway, she tries to calm him down and put her and Anna's plan into action all at the same time.
"I'm sorry about Finn," she says pleadingly, "And I also wanted to ap…."
"I'm done, Rachel," Jesse interrupts angrily. "You were right. We had an agreement and we should have never complicated it by going as far as we did. I don't want to be a part of this and I sure as hell don't want to get in the middle of the two of you again."
His eyes are cold in a way that she's never seen them before, and she feels her heart start to shatter.
"I think it's time you started drafting our break up."