I.
"I think it's time you started drafting our breakup."
Jesse doesn't give her time to reply, walking immediately back towards the coffeehouse and the manager who is waiting impatiently with arms crossed in the doorway.
Once he's out of sight, she collapses against the walls of the narrow alleyway and tries hard to swallow past the lump in her throat.
How had things turned out like this? She had been so full of hope when she had left Anna's office that morning, and she could never have envisioned her conversation with Jesse ending with him demanding that she fast-forward to their breakup.
To be honest, she hasn't given their once inevitable breakup any thought recently. She had been having way too much fun being Jesse's girlfriend to contemplate … not being Jesse's girlfriend.
When had the lines become so blurred for her? Aside from the brief moment of paying him each week, she can no longer remember a time when their fake relationship felt forced or forged on her part. Somewhere along the way, she had convinced herself that he felt the same way.
But now he wants to break up with her. ASAP.
Finn joins her in the alley, still cursing and dripping wet, and interrupts her thought process.
"He isn't even going to get fired," Finn says incredulously. "His manager said that St. Douche owed him one and now they're even. I swear that asshole is the luckiest bastard…"
Rachel looks at Finn, the right words escaping her at the moment. She decides it's not worth it and pushes herself off the wall, heading back towards her dorm.
Finn grabbing her arm stops her. He pushes his lower lip out, making him look like a sad little puppy that knows exactly how to get what he wants, and asks if he can come back to her place and get cleaned up.
She shrugs and says yes because she can't think of a legitimate reason to say no; because nothing seems to matter too much beyond the intense pain she's feeling on the inside.
Back in her dorm room, Rachel hands Finn one of her spare towels and directs him towards the community showers down the hall.
She breathes a sigh of relief when he's out of her immediate space, because all she wants to do is collapse on her bed and forget the last 24 hours ever happened.
When Finn gets back, she's curled in a ball and wrapped in the Elphaba-green Snuggie that Jesse had gotten for her from the Dollar Store as a joke. It's funnier now that it's obvious she adores the thing, and they've been known to fight over it when he comes over and they're both watching a movie on her bed.
Finn watches her as he finishes toweling his hair dry. "Do you want to go see if we can find somewhere showing the Knicks game?"
He drops the duffel bag he's been carrying around in the small space between her and Mitra's bed and starts searching through it, for hair products she assumes, which means that his crap is spilling all over the floor.
"What are you doing?" Rachel asks loudly and suspiciously, immediately sitting up on her bed.
"Searching for my hair gel," he responds matter-of-factly, his head halfway into the bag.
"You're not staying here," she says firmly, only a hint of panic evident in her voice.
"Come on, Rachel. I don't want to go back to that hostel, and I don't give a crap about what St. James thinks anymore. He may have been the shit in high school, but it's obvious that's no longer the case. Plus, I came to see you."
"Do you even remember our conversation yesterday?" Rachel asks disbelievingly. She's coming to the end of her rope. "Do you remember me walking out of the restaurant? I don't care what you don't give a crap about. For years, all * I * cared about was what * you * cared about and what you wanted. And where did that get me? The laughing stock of the entire school when it was obvious to everyone but me that you were screwing Quinn behind my back?"
"Jesse…" Finn starts to stammer.
"This isn't about Jesse!" Rachel yells. "This is about me and what I want, what I care about for once. And, right now, I want you to go. I don't want to be friends, and I don't want you here."
"You don't mean that," Finn says condescendingly. "You never mean that."
"I do," she says solemnly, nodding to emphasize the point. "I don't care about the Knicks. I've been in New York for months and I've never been to a game. I don't care about football or Man vs. Food or sports cars or video games. I tried to care when we were together, but I don't have to do that anymore. You're marrying Quinn. You made your decision. Now, I'm making mine."
"So, basically you're saying that you faked your way through our entire relationship," Finn accuses angrily.
"I faked a lot in our relationship," Rachel says, sounding just as angry, the double entendre escaping before she can give it too much thought.
It has the desired effect, hitting Finn where it hurts – his pride.
"And what?" Finn prompts, refusing to let her get the last word, "You think what you and St. James have is so damn real?"
His question strikes, unknowingly, at the root of all her current insecurities. She's paying Jesse to be with her. If anything, that's the opposite of real. However, it's real for her, and, it finally hits her, she would rather feel this way about Jesse and have him not return the sentiment than pretend her way through another relationship with someone like Finn.
Even if it means she ends up alone, she doesn't want to change herself to be someone else's everything.
She owes herself that much.
"This has nothing to do with Jesse," she reemphasizes. "I want you to go."
Finn hurriedly stuffs everything back in his duffel bag, zipping it up angrily.
Before he walks out, he turns back to look at where she is still sitting on her bed.
"You know, I don't even know who you are anymore, Rachel," he says in a tone that's meant to be hurtful.
He waits a split second for an answer but then turns, walks out, and slams the door.
Maybe he thinks he got the last word, but she knows better.
Whereas he thought he had wounded her when he said he didn't know who she was, inside she was screaming "Thank God for that."
II.
If only fixing things with Finn meant that things with Jesse were better, too.
Emergency sessions with Anna reveal what Rachel already knows: if she hopes to move forward with Jesse, she needs to talk to him about her feelings and reveal that she wants them to try a real relationship.
It's hard to muster up the courage to do that when it becomes obvious that he's avoiding her. He uses work and final rehearsals as excuses, so she doesn't actually see very much of Jesse again after the Finn debacle until Romeo and Juliet's closing night one week later.
She's been to the show's opening night and the Friday night performance, too, but he's always coming up with a reason that he can't join her after the show or why he can't meet her in between classes or for meals in the dining hall. She's gone by the coffeeshop during his shifts, but even though he's not obviously hostile to her in public, she can feel a new tension that didn't exist between them before.
It's the first time that making this relationship appear loving and happy requires effort on her part.
The entire campus will be at the show's after party, and she knows that if she and Jesse's charade of a relationship has a hope of surviving, they have to put on quite a show for everyone there.
If only she could get her "boyfriend" to feel the same way.
She's had her dress for this party picked out for weeks in advance. It's something she bought on one of her first shopping trips in the Village – a short, black, polka dot party dress with buttons all down the back. It's the epitome of high-fashion sexy schoolgirl librarian chic, and she was glad to finally have the perfect occasion to wear it.
She has always known that Jesse would love her in that dress, and she's hoping to attract his attention tonight. Her life would be so much easier if he would admit that he likes her too.
He's been engaging on stage throughout the week, but that last night he's practically flawless. She can tell from the expression on his face as he takes his bow – a mixture of pride, elation, and accomplishment - that he knows that he just gave the performance of his life. After curtain call, she meets him at the edge of the stage and hands over the gift she's brought him – a flask, similar to one that Romeo drinks poison from in the play.
For the first time in a long time, she feels like they're on the same page as he picks her up and spins her around, kissing her hard and deep in front of everyone.
Everyone is chanting his name and he breaks away prematurely when Autumn and the director literally drag him away, but she's left with a huge smile on her face and no doubt in her mind that she's head over heels in love with him.
Again.
III.
He had forgotten himself for a minute.
He doesn't think that anyone would blame him. Ever since his parents had disowned him and he'd been living in near poverty, he hasn't exactly had very many 'I'm on top of the world moments.'
And this was one of his favorite fantasies: him on stage, the audience cheering after he absolutely killed a performance, and Rachel, his girlfriend, supporting him.
Really, the only better fantasy is her on stage with him.
So, he had kissed her, the way he has dreamt of doing every single time he's had this particular fantasy, forgetting, for the moment, that he had been trying his hardest to avoid her and their farce of a relationship for the past week.
He hadn't expected the smile on her face when he was pulled away from her, but, in hindsight, that makes sense too. He had just kissed her in front of a good portion of the school body, so even though they haven't seen each other very much this week, she just got her money's worth.
He wants her to feel the same way he does about her, and for the past few weeks he thought he had been steadily gaining headway, but he's coming to realize that's not the case. He had seen her leave the coffeehouse yesterday with Finn after their argument, which had hurt him more than he could express. Sure, Finn is engaged to Quinn, but when had that ever stopped Rachel before?
He's done being her second choice. The sooner they break up, the sooner he can put this all behind him and start getting over her.
Again.
So, as he makes his way over to the party with the rest of the cast, he regresses back into the mask of cool detachment that he's adopted with Rachel for the past week.
When he finally sees her, he realizes this isn't going to be as easy as he thought. He hadn't noticed earlier because he was overwhelmed by everything that was going on, but she's wearing a dress that is making his mouth water. It has these teeny buttons all the way down her back that are just begging for him to release them so that he can ravage her.
It takes all his strength to turn away from where Rachel is standing, waiting for him with two glasses of wine in that dress, and turn towards Autumn, who is demanding his attention by grabbing his bicep.
This week, the more he has ignored Rachel, the more time he's been spending with Autumn. He finds it refreshing that he knows exactly what is going on in Autumn's head. She obviously likes him, and he knows that it would mean the world to her if he gave her even the slightest little peck on the cheek right now. She's clearly inexperienced and probably a virgin, and, even though she's cute, he just doesn't like her like that. Still, that's what he's used to in relationships – him being with someone whom he feels little to nothing for until he's ready to move on.
His relationship with Rachel is the only one that he's never been in complete control of, and look how well that's turning out.
Once Rachel drafts their breakup and he's off the hook, it would be so easy to just be with Autumn and fall back into old habits. Until then, he can sit back and enjoy his former co-star's attention, as well as the reaction it produces in Rachel.
He would feel bad about it, but he gets some sort of sick satisfaction from Rachel understanding exactly what he feels when he sees her with Finn.
IV.
She can tell as soon as he walks into the party that he's back to ignoring her.
She fights tears as she watches Autumn stroke his arm, talking more softly than she needs to so that Jesse has to lean in to hear her.
She doesn't know what to do, especially since she can feel the eyes of the entire school on her, but she's saved from making a decision by a gorgeous, six-foot hunk that she recognizes immediately from one of her classes.
"Can I relieve you of one of those?" he asks in a deep voice, already taking one of the glasses of red wine from her.
She nods, an almost grateful smile appearing on her face thanks to the distraction.
"Sure," she agrees. "I'm not sure he needs it right now," she adds with a bit of a self-deprecating smile.
"His loss," the tall almost-stranger says flirtatiously. "Rachel, right? I think we have Biological Science together. Professor Flavia?"
Rachel nods. "Tuesdays and Thursdays at 8:00 am. How could I ever forget? Remind me of your name again."
"Sawyer."
Rachel turns completely towards Sawyer. "Have you started studying for her final yet?"
Sawyer takes a dramatic gulp of wine. "Nope. And I'm starting to get worried. I can't believe that we have finals in two weeks! I'm behind in all my classes."
"I know!" Rachel says, laughing. 'It's bittersweet for me, though. Hers is my last exam and it's on my birthday, so I'm kind of excited for it to be over and done with."
"No way," Sawyer says incredulously. "December 18th is your birthday? How's that for a coincidence? That's my birthday too."
"Small world," Rachel says, taking a sip of wine and smiling genuinely.
Across the room, people start laughing loudly, which draws both their attention to where Jesse, Autumn, and the rest of the cast are sharing in what appears to be an inside joke.
Autumn ducks her head against Jesse's chest, and Rachel decides that she won't be embarrassed like this anymore.
She drains her glass of wine and pats Sawyer on the arm, wishing him luck in preparing for exams, and then makes her way over to Jesse.
"I need to talk to you," Rachel says firmly, smiling knowingly at Autumn, looking her boyfriend in the eye, and leaving no room for argument. "Outside."
V.
He feels slightly guilty when he senses how upset she is as they walk onto the deserted, freezing-cold terrace. Maybe he had gone a bit too far in ignoring her tonight when he's supposed to be on the clock, so to speak, but he honestly doesn't care about their little agreement anymore.
It's going to kill him to keep pretending to be her boyfriend when he feels the way he does and she makes it obvious that she wants to be with Finn. An all-American tall jock; Sawyer Paul is the closest you could get to Finn Hudson outside the state of Ohio. Of all people, Rachel would gravitate towards him.
So, forgive him if he's milking the Autumn factor as much as he can. He's the victim of unrequited love, and she is the only weapon he has in his arsenal tonight.
He's angry at Rachel, and, the drunker he gets, the more fulfillment he's getting out of pissing her off.
When he answers her question, "What the hell do you think you're doing?" with one of his own "How's the breakup coming?" he knows things will be getting messy tonight.
And, of course, to add insult to injury, she's hotter when she's angry. Folding her arms across her chest in that dress makes him want her in a way he doesn't even think is logical.
He has been drinking all day, so she's less drunk than he is and seemingly intent on holding an actual conversation.
"I'm not sure how to do it," she confesses meekly, looking like she's second-guessing actually answering his question. "It has to be something … egregious. Something that makes you look bad so that I'll break up with you, but not make me look bad at the same time. Cheating is the obvious option, but I don't exactly want to be the girl who gets cheated on again."
"Autumn would be up for it," he says out of the blue, and maybe it's the liquor speaking, but even he can't believe he just went there.
He actually hears when she stops breathing.
"What are you trying to say?" she finally asks, sounding on the verge of tears.
Half of him wants to back out of this path he's found himself on, but it's warring with the other side of him that wants to see how Rachel reacts to this.
He feels trapped in this sham of a relationship, and he wants out.
He swallows hard, and says all in one breath: "I'm just saying that if she needs to play a part in our breakup, she wouldn't be against it."
It's a long while before Rachel speaks again.
"But we had an agreement," is the best she can come up with, and she's proud of herself for not completely breaking down.
The guy she's in love with just told her that he wants to cheat on her with someone else.
"This isn't working, and I can't do this anymore," Jesse says, speaking just as quietly as she is.
If she didn't know better, she would say that he sounds almost sad and apologetic.
But she does know better.
VI.
Despite what either of them wants, for tonight at least, they still have to pretend to be a happy couple.
But she knows that they won't be able to do that in front of everyone at the party, and she can't go back to the dorm because Mitra and everyone else would wonder why she wasn't celebrating the end of Jesse's show with him, at his place.
So, lacking any better options, she drags him away from the party and back to his apartment, explaining to anyone who asks that she has a surprise planned for him tonight and they have to head out early.
The bus ride back to his neighborhood is icily silent, both of them unsure what more needs to be said.
When he gets the multiple locks of his apartment undone, he heads immediately towards the yoga mat and comforter he still keeps in the corner, unfolds them and collapses, fully-clothed, unto them without saying a word to her.
Ever the gentleman, he left her the bed, but he clearly won't be sharing it with her.
Faced with his complete rejection, the tears start then, and she quietly wipes them away as she makes her own preparations for bed.
When she had put her dress on this afternoon, she had hoped that it would be Jesse that would be taking it off of her. Now, undoing the buttons awkwardly by herself, it's the saddest she thinks she's felt in her whole life.
She wants to reach out to him and tell him to come to bed, but she hates herself for even contemplating it.
He's made it plain tonight that he wouldn't be interested.
She finds one of his shirts hanging off the footboard of the bed, pulls it on, and tries to console herself with this small semblance of comfort.
VII.
It takes everything in him not to turn over, apologize, and demand that she let him make it up to her.
Even after everything that happened tonight, he loves her, and part of him doesn't care that she might not feel the same way. He just wants to hold her, make love to her, and pretend for a minute that he has everything that he wants, even if it disappears tomorrow morning.
He's hard just thinking about it, especially as he listens to her get undressed, so he presses his hips discreetly into the thin yoga mat, and bites his cheeks to solidify his resolve.
She's made it plain that she wouldn't be interested.
VIII.
She's awoken the next morning by the sounds of him leaving.
She rubs her eyes and asks sleepily, "Where are you going?"
"We have to break down the set today," he informs her. "The entire cast is meeting this morning."
She nods as he walks out, because, what else can she do? He's leaving her to go see Autumn again, and there are no words.
The sound of the door echoing in her ears, she gropes for her phone to check the time. When she sees that she has two text messages, she, illogically, assumes that it's Jesse apologizing.
However, the messages are both from a number she doesn't recognize.
Hey its Sawyer… just wnted 2 make sre u got home ok.
I don't know what to say... Things will get better... eventually. Is that comforting?