Missed me? ;-) Sorry for being AWOL, but life has been super duper crazy lately. Thank Hurricane Sandy for this update, but also blame her for how short it is. For those of you who are sticking with this story, enjoy! BTW - I have nothing against people who work at Starbucks. Some of my good friends do!
I.
Recognizing trouble, his manager shoots her a nasty look when she comes rushing into his Starbucks. After the incident with Finn a couple of weeks ago, she's earned quite the reputation as the troublemaking girlfriend.
She just hopes that this time will be different and there will be no need for dramatics.
She calms herself down by repeating to herself over and over that Jesse loves her. Last night they had talked and made love, had held hands and confessed all the secrets they had kept from each other over the last few months.
All, that is, except one she had conveniently neglected to mention.
Jesse meets her eyes as she walks in, but taking the order of the customer at the register quickly distracts him.
It feels ludicrous, but she waits her turn in line as Jesse rings up the guy's chai tea latte, NY Times, and overpriced Bob Marley CD.
The guy moves over to the bar, and Rachel comes face to face with her boyfriend for the first time since her world imploded.
Her thighs still hurt from straddling him for so long last night. Funny how this is what she thinks of in moments like this.
She opens her mouth to say something, but nothing comes out.
Because, if he hasn't yet heard what's been going around campus about her and Sawyer, this isn't exactly how she wants to tell him.
And, if he has already heard, then why the hell is he so calm? Does that mean he already dismissed whatever he's heard?
Usually, she can read him quite well. Whether it's her own anxiety clouding her judgment, or really him just playing it cool, his face is completely, frustratingly, passive.
The silence stretches on for too long, and Jesse finally raises an eyebrow at her. From somewhere beyond her left shoulder, she hears his manager snicker.
Asshole.
Jesse shoots his manager a glare then looks back at Rachel, who is still undecided as to which path to take.
Jesse sighs and runs his fingers through his hair. "Rach, look," he says almost casually, not looking at her, "I want a simple, one word answer. You just need to tell me whether or not it's true."
"Uh…."
Her mouth has literally dropped open, the world as she knows it disintegrating around her. She wills her jaw to close, forces herself to say the words.
"I can explain," she whispers and she can feel the inevitable crushing impact of those three little words. Her eyes start to tear and her throat trembles in a way that will make saying anything else immensely difficult.
And she can explain. Based on what Mitra had accused her of back at the dorm, the tweets on their school's gossip account had widely exaggerated the next to nothing that had taken place in Sawyer's apartment.
"Don't bother," he finally says in a mean tone, turning back to the espresso machine and obviously dismissing her.
"Just get the fuck out."
II.
Of course, that's not the end, and, when he comes home to find her in his apartment waiting for him, he actually tries to ignore her.
"Jesse, please," she attempts, getting up and crossing the small space to reach out to him.
He shrugs off the hand she places on his arm and still doesn't say anything.
"After last night you can't possibly think that there's anything going on between me and him," Rachel says, the hurt evident in her voice. As much as she knows she's in the wrong, there's part of her that is so pissed that he can treat her this way after what they shared last night and this morning.
"I love you," she pleads. "You know that. Last night, I…"
"You mean when you fucked me right after you fucked him?" he interrupts angrily, and he sounds like he's about to start throwing things – not something she would have ever thought him capable of.
"I didn't," she clarifies softly, all the while feeling like she shouldn't have to. "How can you accuse me of that? He kissed me – that part is true – but the rest is all lies. I could never have slept with him."
"It doesn't matter," he responds petulantly.
"How can you say that?" she retorts angrily. "It was a kiss. It meant nothing. We weren't even officially together at the time!"
"Not officially together?" he echoes incredulously. "So all of that talk about this being real for you the whole time was all a bunch of bull? Not officially together because you had to play the field until you decide what it is you wanted?"
"That's not what I meant. Stop putting words in my mouth!"
"But it's so fucking okay for you to put words in mine? I was your fucking pawn. How could I have been so blind? You got exactly what you wanted. It girl on campus, popular, star athlete boyfriend, and all at the expense of publicly ridiculing the guy that put everything on the line for you! Boy does that sound familiar. I can't believe I fell for this again. You got exactly what it was you paid for!"
"This isn't that stupid video again, Jesse! What happened back then has nothing to do with this. I choose you. I love you. I made a mistake, and I should have told you, but he means nothing to me. Finn means nothing to me. You know that. I only want you."
He's quiet, walking over to their crockpot and tossing the dirty ceramic part into the small sink so violently it causes her to wince.
Sensing some hope in his lack of response, she walks over to him, threads her arms around his waist, and lays her head against his back.
"Please don't be mad at me," she pleads softly into the fabric of his shirt. "I know I made a big mistake."
He still doesn't say anything.
She draws nonsensical figures into his chest from behind. "Even when I was really mad at you about the eggs," she attempts to soothe, "Furious even, there was always a little part of me that still loved you. Even through all of that, I knew there was a part of me that wanted to talk to you, that couldn't help but forgive you one day. All I need to know is that you feel the same way."
She means it as a comforting gesture, something to ease the tension and make him smile. They've survived rocky roads before. They wouldn't be here otherwise. He loves her. She knows he does. Him forgiving her is only a matter of time, really.
"I don't know, Rachel," he says suddenly, completely startling her.
"Jesse …" she says almost exhaustedly. How much longer is he going to put her through this?
"When am I not going to feel like second best for you Rachel?"
His tone, completely defeated and pained, as much as his actual words cut through her like a knife.
"You're not second best to me, Jesse," she answers him rationally, trying to mask the hurt his words have caused. "You're always going to be the love of my life."
"Please," she tries again.
"Look around you!" he bellows, pushing away from her and causing her to jump. "Every day of my life I feel like crap. I live in this shitty apartment, my parents have disowned me, and what I eat for dinner depends on how many tips I make in one of the most humiliating jobs on the planet. Yet, like an idiot, I keep striving for the one thing that makes it all worth it."
He's facing her now, and he looks furious.
"I really did believe you loved me, Rachel. I really believed that we were going to be this amazing couple together and it would make everything else okay."
"We are," she declares defiantly, walking back towards him.
He shakes his head, dismissing her words. "You're part of the problem," he says solemnly. "You're part of the reason I feel like shit all the time."
All the life force drains out of her when he says that and she doesn't know how to recover. She loves him, fully and truly, but that's not enough to make him feel good about himself.
This has little or nothing to do with Sawyer. She makes him feel like crap. She is the problem.
In anger, she unclasps the bracelet she's been cherishing and ogling all day and literally throws it in his face.
"No need for this anymore," she informs him on her way out of the apartment. "I guess I did get exactly what I paid you for. Thanks a lot."