She stares back at me with those unrelenting eyes. She doesn't look at me with pity or with amusement but she stares at me nonetheless. Our cells are adjacent to one another, there is no escaping her.

Naomi may be dead. She is in sickbay. Her little body shifting, finding its way to it's temporal setting. I fear that it will kill her and in turn it will kill me.

I stand here a guilty, stupid woman, leading a sweet little creature into danger. I wanted to investigate more of the ship but didn't want to raise any eyebrows. So I had little Naomi tag along as my decoy. When I would investigate a patch she would "bump into" the most suspicious crewmen passing by and would ramble on about what she had learned in school that day, ask if they knew where Neelix was hiding or if feeling loving she would simply give them a big hug. It was exhilarating for her to be on a "super secret covert mission with the Captain!" Her eyes were like glowing sapphires. I reveled in the way she looked at me. I ordered her to stay well away from the patches and she did. Of course it would be my foot to slip into a flux, of course it would be me to let out a surprised yelp, and of course if would be my brave little assistant to try to come to my rescue. I can't have Sam lose Naomi like Tom lost BE'lanna. It's to cruel.

The Ensign stares and when she stares at me, she stares at the husk of what I once was. I know I'm still here. A small part of me. But my actions are not of my own. My emotions are not my own. I usually find a way to be ten steps ahead but lately I am ten steps behind. I usually am able to look at a problem with laser sharp focus but lately everything is so muddled. I am not a wilting flower. I do not flounder. I do not succumb to fear and panic. I may be stubborn and difficult, my family has made me well aware of that through the years. But that stubbornness has kept me alive and thriving in many situations where that is not a likely option. What scares me is not my weakened attention or energy to move forward. What scares me is my lack of will. I have lost my will to fight. I have lost my will to lead. I have lost my will to be.

Who the hell are you, Katie? Where did you go? I think this often.

What truly scares me is that something far greater than what my weakened mind can comprehend has taken a hold of something that has been so untouchable. The Unbreakable Kathryn is a moments notice a way from breaking. I have never really fallen for the allures of religion but in this moment, I pray, I pray to the greater good that it will forgive me for my failings.

Her eyes bore into me.

"Stop." I demand

She continues as if I haven't spoken.

"I said stop!" I call out.

She does not relent. When I was her age I had trouble merely speaking with my superior officers let alone hold a fixed stare. But here she is looking at me, her gaze burning my skin, roasting me alive. I can't take it. I stand and approach the mouth of my cell. I stare back. Her blue eyes do not blink. As we hold one anothers gaze I can feel her searing into my retinas.

"That's an order!" I scream hoarsely

To my surprise and quite frankly my horror, I see the corner of her mouth quirks up. I see a crooked smile that is all to familiar. I see a smile I've seen in family photo's, on my mother's face, in my sister's laugh, in my very own mirror.

How dare she.

I feel my crushing shame ignite into a fury I have not felt in years. My muscles twitch and spasm as my body is physically unable to handle the severity of my emotion. I feel my throat reverberate in a low animalistic growl. I will her to stop. She does not. I lift my hand to strike her and I strike hard. My palm collides with the level ten force field and I feel the volt of pain reverberate throughout my body. I stumble back and cradle my hand against my chest. I take in my surroundings and the agonizing reality of being so helpless settles in. My fury dissipates and is replaced with suffocating black. When did the universe feel so heavy? I feel as though I'm being crushed. The faces BE'lanna and Naomi dance across my mind. I don't want to breathe. I don't want to see. I don't want to be here anymore. I can't live like this.

"Kathryn"

I look to the guard but he is not looking at me and he stands to far for a whisper to carry towards me. Odd.

"Kathryn"

I look to my chest to see if a message is being broadcast over the commline but remember Chakotay had removed my badge just twenty-four hours ago when I willingly walked myself to the brig and when they placed me in this cell.

"Kathryn"

It's then I realize the voice is not in echo and it is female. She's in close range. I look to the Ensign. Her smirk has softened but it's still there.

"You know don't you?" she asks

I say nothing. Her voice is young but not as high pitched as I had imagined.

"It's all right there. You know." She says to me with such confidence

Her voice is surprisingly soothing. There's a warmth to it that reminds me of home.

"Wha….What do you want?" I ask firmly

Suddenly, she goes blank but her stare still burns. I want to run from her. I want her gone. But at the same time I want to be near her. How have I been on the same ship with this woman and not have noticed this creature before our capture? I cannot deny that from the moment they threw her at my feet I felt the distinct urge to guide her, protect her, and to love her. I have the urge to care for the well being of all my crew but something about her in particular burrowed deep into my soul. She leans in, ever so slightly. Her essence calls to me. I step forward.

"The walls." She calls to me

"The walls" I breathe

The walls. My eyes widen and dart about my surroundings. My hand throbs all the more as I clutch the fabric of my collar but I pay no mind.

"BE'lanna" I croak

The Ensign nods.

"The walls" I say again.

The smirk, my smirk returns to the Ensigns lips. I take in a shakey breath and take five steps back. The Walls. I crouch into runners starting position. I feel my heart pounding out of my chest. As if a gift from the heavens above, the moment I begin to feel the doubt trickle in, I notice a "temporal flux" patch waver in the top right corner of my cell. I look forward to the Ensign. She stands rigid at the mouth of her cell. I see her hand, resting at her side begin to turn. Her palm turns towards me and her fingers twitch up into a "come hither" motion. Our eyes meet.

"The walls" she calls to me "You know what they are. Do it."

I lurch forward but I waver.

"Do it!"

I fill my lungs with air.

"Do it now!"

With my battle cry emitting from my body I sprint forward, one foot right after the other. In two strides I am there and I spring forward, my arms spread open into wings, wings to carry me to the truth. I feel my body crash into the force field. I feel volt upon volt of energy ripple through me. By body collides onto the ground. I look up to the ceiling as flashes of light dance before my eyes. I am aware I now lay outside my cell. Someone is kneeling next me. Someone else is calling my name. My body seizes and dances against the flat surface. Despite the pain, despite the thousands of needles shooting through my nerves and white hot explosions of lava erupting throughout my brain I want to laugh. The walls aren't real. The walls were never real.

Commander's Personal Log [Audio Only]

Stardate: * * * * *

Log:

I don't want to put in the date. I don't want to put in the time. I don't want anyone to find a way to that moment, her moment of weakness. Or should I say madness? At least not from my account. You know she works so hard to not appear human. It's infuriating. She wants me to believe that when you are Captain you suddenly must turn into this machine that can only run on coffee and protocol. I've tried to remind her thats not true and that I clearly don't buy it. But you know what? I guess I've got a little rusty. I almost forgot. I almost…..she's stable. Well, as stable as a person can be after the event.

She's starting to come into consciousness every once in a while but its hell, she makes no sense. For the past few days she has kept repeating "The walls arn't real. The walls aren't real". Is she trapped in a spirit world? Is she calling from the other side? It's….hard. It's hard to hear. She sounds desperate. The Doctor explained that it is normal for patients to be confused when attempting to re-enter consciousness. But I fear for her. She sounds so….so trapped.

I know I should believe she is just talking gibberish. I should believe that when she will awaken she will chuckle at her incoherent ramblings. But she reminds me of a story my father once told me…

Thunk.

Hello?

End Log.