I walk the corridors of my ship with my hands behind my back. I greet Voyager like an old friend. I have missed her and I feel in a sense she has missed me. I reach out and brush my hand against the cool, sleek surface of the walls. I am alive and awake once more. The cogs in my mind now turn with full steam ahead. I would like to say it is as if my stint in slumber I awoke from a week ago had never happened, but I still sense her. She echoes in my thoughts, she lets herself to be seen in the corner of my eye. When I sit in my ready room, I half expect to look up to see her leaning against the doorway with that all knowing smirk.
Ludere
I repeat their name to myself. I like the way the name feels against my tongue. I taste Ludere like I once tasted that chocolate little droplet.
Ludere
Somewhere in the deep recesses of my mind, somewhere in the firing neurons where my smirking intruder resides, I recognize that name. But how could a name of an Alien race so very far from the Alpha Quadrant sound so familiar? My mind roams my conscious as it attempts to place Ludere when I feel my body collide with another. We both stumble for a moment before my hands find her upper arms and we steady one another. I realize that I had been so lost in my thoughts that I did not notice a crewmen stepping out of their quarters.
"My apologies, Crewman. Are you alright?"
"No apologies needed, Captain. I should have looked where I was going."
I look down to into to familiar dark brown eyes, destinguished cheek bones and carmal skin. Her eyes are so dark they are almost black, almost as black as the space that enveloped a floating casket carrying the body of an innocent victim.
"Ensign Little Iron" I gasp
"Yes, Captain" she replies in surprise
"How…how are you?"
"Fine…Captain" she replies in confusion
I realize I am still gripping her arms, I step back in embarrassment, releasing the poor girl from my grip and quickly adjust my uniform.
"Captain…" she inquires quizzicly "Are you alright?"
"Of course Ensign, Thank you. As you were." I reply before quickly making my way past her and out of her sight.
The relief I feel to see that girl alive is an explosion of warmth within my chest. I feel the warmth transition into fire. As much as I can respect an enemy who will notify their plans to strike, I can almost respect an enemy more for firing at will. When you are striked upon you know where you stand. But when you are constanly reminded of the empending blow you are left squirming in your seat. I believe that when you take joy in watching your enemy squirm you are no longer a soilder, you are a bully. I don't like bullies.
I make my way towards the meeting room with my mind reeling and burst of energy. I find my senior staff all seated and ready to go.
"It's good to have you back, Captain." Harry greets with his boyish charm.
"Thank you Harry. Good to be back." I reply
"You look well rested. Sounds like you had some exciting dreams." Paris quips
"It's because of those very dreams we need to figure our way out of this mess." I quip back before taking my seat at the head of the table "What have we got so far?"
"All sensor scans show no activity within all ranges." Harry replies "We have tried deepening our scans by reconverting power from the deflector ray but nothing."
"Any unexpected changes in the ship?"
"Surprisingly none" BE'lanna interjects "The Warp Core is up to code, no chages in the gel packs. Other than our usual glitches to patch up here and there, everthing is running smoothly."
"Good" I reply "But keep a watchful eye for any changes, especially where we have any vulnerabilities and report them immidiatly."
My chief engingeer nods and is quick to add my command on her endless seige of notes.
"Doctor" I say turning towards the EMH "What are the vital signs of the crew."
"They are not exactly in harms way but there has been signs of hallucinations, growing sense anxiety and a few spouts of vertigo. The electronic energy within their brains has been increasing at micro levels every hour."
"It seems as though we have overstayed our welcome" Tom quips
"And this is their eviction notice" BE'lanna adds
I sigh and slowly rub my temples. No matter if you battle with photon torpedos, swords or bare hands, its a battle of wits. Its a matter of guessing the next step of your opponent and attempting to get into their mind before the next blow. But this battle is on a much deeper level than attempting sabatage the next move. This battle resides in deep into the ID. If I lose this battle, there is not hope left. She has infiltrated my crew in the most intimate level. She could labotamize us at any moment. She could turn us into vegtables. She could change our personalities, erase our empathy and make us the monsters we fear to be. What raises the stakes in this scenereo so drastically is not because of who we are fighting but who we are.
If we lose who we are as starfleet officers, as Terrans, as people, then we have lost completely. I will not have that.
"There must be some opposite energy we could use to detract these beings." Harry says
"Yes but these beings are residing in the neural pathways of our crew. Random energy bursts could could cause major effects if not death."
"We have to try something Doctor."
"Well yes, but I am a Doctor not a murderer. We can't be thrusting energy waves into people's brains all willy nilly!"
My eyes fixate on the impossibly smooth surface of the the confrence table. The dull symphony of my collegues arguements. Their voices rise and fall in the plundering waves of conversation. I should feel the surging annoyance, or agitation that forces me to find a miraculous solution. Voyager has found her ways in and out of situations at the last minute, on a moment's breath, by the skin of our teeth. I always say to Chakotay with a smirk "We will figure it out. We always do." But I am aware of the fact that my heart still beats, that my crew still scampers about the halls and that Voyager still hums along the Delta Quadrant is largely in part of pure dumb luck.
Luck, like so many of life's uncomprehendable gifts, is fleeting.
I look for her in the door way, in the corner of my eye and even in the reflection of the confrence table. But she is no where to be found. She's waiting for me. I can feel her lounging comfortably on my sanity.
"I have to go back"
"I'm sorry Captain?" Chakotay asks as the bickering heads quiet and turn to look at me.
Unbenounced to me, I had voiced my realization. I let out a breath and smile meekly.
"I have to go back. I need to go back under."
"You can't be serious." BE'lanna states tersly before quickly adding "That can't be the only way."
"We can't very well shut down the working brains of an entire crew, there is no time portal or worm hole to jump into." I point out blandly "Time is of the essence and our only fair chance of survival is diplomacy. This…. being clearly wishes to speak to me so simply putting me under will be our best chance."
"There has to be a way we can communicate without taking serious risk to your health" Chakotay replies
"But so far she has only spoken to me and seems more willing to listen to me." I state "If I can get her to back down then we maybe able to get out of this without more of the crew being effected."
"This could get you killed." Chakotay reminds me
"Yes. But if it means keeping Voyager safe then it's a risk I'm willing to take."
For a fraction of a moment, Chakotay looks as though I had just slapped him. But then his shoulders slump and his features rearrange back into a calm demeanor.
"Perhaps we could set up some kind of a neural commlink without you going completely under" Paris suggests earnestly
"We could easily set up a neural holographic image like we did for the Viorsa when you had to speak to that Clown freak." BE'anna chimes in
"Ugh clowns" Harry grumbles before a visable shiver rolls over him.
We share in a much needed chuckle.
"I don't think she'll fall for it. This one seems smarter. She has been studying us for quite sometime." I reply
I see her clearly now. In my mind, I can repaint the scene so vividy as she looked back at me with sleepy eyes and a knowing smile in that all white hospital room. She always knew I would comeback to her. She is me.
"She did let you go" Tom interjects "I mean I know you struggled with her but it did appear it was only when the creature eased off your neural pathways you were allowed to wake up."
"Yeah? So?" BE'lanna asks
"So I'm saying….whoever this being is…she likes you Captain. If she let you go once she can do it again."
"But is it worth the risk?" Chakotay quietly urges
I stand, I feel anxious and the room feels small. Voyager feels small. I turn to look at the large windows behind me. It's an odd habit you pick up as a Captain. I've seen so many of my leaders look out into the stars as they weigh their options. I realize that space is very much like the mind. The expanse is beyond basic understanding, it can be trecherous diving deep into the unkown but there is the knowing that something incredible is waiting to be discovered. I look into the expanse of space, the expanse of my mind, in search for a bright idea to answer to our latest crisis.
"There must be a way that we can perform the same trick but with more of a diversion. We need to distract her from knowing that I'm not completely under." I say quietly "Some way we could even the playing field."
"Perhaps….instead of going to her. She could come to you." Neelix chimes in
I turn to him and feel my eyebrows raise.
"What do you mean?"
"Well it seems that that this energy person has a lot of control in our heads. I just wonder what would happen if the creature could fight just as well out of our heads."
"You know, Neelix might be on to something" BE'lanna says slowly "Doctor, is there away we could project The Captain's energy patterns in the Holodeck? Project it into an image?"
"It would take sometime to get a full reading but I can't see why not."
"We would have to reconvert a good amount of energy to allow the Holodeck to translate that much data but we are able to do it."
I smile warmly at my cheif engineer. I admire that little moment when she transforms from a brooding young woman to eager inventor. I have a strong feeling she could be considered one the greats when we get home.
"It seems we are in for one hell of a holonovel" I reply after a long pause and I can see my crew relax slightly before I continue "How long do you think it will take to download the data and set up the Holodeck?"
"Transmitting all the data will take two days" The Doctor answers sternly "I can't make it any less."
"Beefing up the Holodeck won't take to long but I would feel more comfortable working with the Doctor so I know what amount of data and energy we are looking at."
"Do it. Tom I want you in sickbay full time, The Doctor will need all the help he can get with the crew."
"Aye, Captain."
"Harry try to find ways to reconvert power without effecting our sheilds. I want to be prepared for any surprise."
"Aye, Captain."
"And Neelix…" I allow my voice to soften "Try to find some ways to help relax the crew, put them at ease and get some nervous energy out. I have a feeling the next few days will be a test for crew moral. Without using the Holodecks you have my permission to do what you feel is best."
"I won't let you down, Captain."
"Well, if that is all then you are dismissed."
My team stands quickly and exits. I turn back to the windows. After a moment, the room is silent but I feel his presence.
"How are you Chakotay?" I ask without bothering to turn around.
"Attempting to digest Neelix's Leeola Root and Bolian Moss stew. But other than that I'm fine."
"Bolian Moss? That's a new one."
"It's as bad as you think."
I steal a glance at him as he stands beside me. We share a smile.
"You find me reckless." I state
"I find you determind" I replies
"You know protecting this crew if my top priority. Until we reach home I have to keep them safe."
"I also have to keep you safe. Also, this crew needs you."
I have heard him say that a million times and in a million different ways. He sees my need to sacrifice myself at every chance I get. When he looks at me and sees past my walls, my captain's mask I feel violated. I feel stripped naked and shown bare to him. It terrifies me that I am seen and it terrifies me that one day he won't see me at all.
"What happens when the Holodeck is set up?" He asks
For a moment I wonder of the question is redundent. A set up for a blow. But I answer anyways.
"I face her and I ask her to stand down. I hope to make a treaty."
"You will be facing her alone." He states
He has realized that though he won in me not going under, his true fear had not been avoided at all. I will be going against the one opponent he will never be able to protect me from. My self.
"If you havn't filled up on moss already…" I offer quietly "I have some carrot cake I've been saving up to replicate."
"I have the perfect ale to pair it with."
His large hand rests on my shoulder and gives a light squeeze before he slips from the room without another word.
I hope you guys had a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! Sorry for the wait. - RB