Chapter 5
Naruto was jolted awake from a strike to his thigh. He was stumbling on his bed halfway through a sad excuse for a fighting stance, delirious and tired by the time he realized his attacker was a girl a few years older than him smirking at him from the doorway to his room. On the bed was a remote of some sort, and the strike he had suffered felt distinctly remote-like.
"You sleep like a rock," Kurotsuchi said in a deriding tone.
Naruto sighed and started to rub the sleep from his eyes. "Why'd ya wake me?"
"We're gonna be late for the announcement. Get your ass out of bed and downstairs."
Naruto lifted the inside of shirt a smidge and sniffed, then immediately recoiled from the smell. It was absolutely toxic. And it made sense too. He'd been wearing those clothes for two days straight, hadn't bathed for a while due to him being on the road with Jiraiya and then in a house with five other women that he didn't know, and there was also the fight with Yugito, which got out of hand in a hurry.
"Yeah, no. I need a shower."
Kurotsuchi crossed her arms over her chest, deriding smile not slacking at all. "You're damn right you do. Better make it quick, though. It's almost noon."
Naruto got up and stretched out his sore muscles once Kurotsuchi was out of his sight. 'Wait a minute,' he thought suddenly, going stiff mid-pose. 'Who put my shirt back on for me?'
He remembered taking it off to train and he remembered it was back on when he was on Yugito's back… Naruto shrugged. It's not like it mattered. He stumbled out of the room and went into the nearest bathroom, stripping off his clothes with slight consternation. The sweat had stuck them to his skin like an adhesive, and taking them off let a waft of stink to rise into the air. Without wasting another second, Naruto hopped into the shower and turned the nearest knob he could see, then let out a somewhat waifish scream as boiling hot water immediately pelted his body from above.
That wasn't how the shower worked back at his apartment.
Naruto started turning knobs whichever which way made the boiling stop. He successful made side jets spring to life, started and stopped the bath nozzle, and tinted the water with the refreshingly nose-clogging scents of lavender.
"What the hell is WRONG with this shower!?" Naruto ground out, taking a few moments to get the water levels to his liking, or more accurately to where he could put up with them. And if that meant showering himself off with the lukewarm water from side jets while cloaked in the choking scent of flowers, so be it.
He grabbed the nearest bottle with the word 'soap' on its label and rubbed its contents on his body, basking in the glory that was the feeling of odor being washed down the drain. Ever since being on the road with Jiraiya, he couldn't help but obtain a newfound appreciation for being clean, especially when he had to deal with old man stink for months on end.
Though that didn't mean he wanted to be in that clusterfuck of a shower for a second longer than he had to. He stepped out as soon as he felt he was clean enough and nearly stumbled on the ground. Although a lot the aches and pains from his 'training session' had vanished and he was less tired, there were still a lot of things that kept his physicality from being 100%. That, added with being in a boiling shower for too long, had left him woozy and unable to stand on his own. He grabbed onto the sink counter and held himself up as he stared into the mirror. Somehow, it hadn't fogged up, letting him see his face clearly.
It was in that moment, while staring at his own face, logged down with water, and almost blacking out, that things finally started to click in place, for better or for worse. He was going to have to accept the reality he was in. He was going to have to accept that he was going to be living with Kurotsuchi and the rest of them. He wasn't going to find love. If he had any kids, they'd be kids from women he didn't even know. His freedom was restricted. He didn't even know how he was going to live his life from now on. It was probably going to change a lot, but how? Was he even to take missions anymore? Was he just a tool used to advance peace throughout the nations? He didn't know how he felt about those things.
All those swirling negative emotions filled his brain as his body acclimated to the cold air. He didn't want to accept them. It was really really hard for him to. But he had to, nonetheless.
Just as the grips of cold reality were sinking into his heart, the door opened with a suddenness that jolted him out of his mind space. Kurotsuchi, squinting her eyes closed with an annoyed expression on her face said "When are you-" before mumbling off as her eyes were attracted downwards, where they stayed for several seconds.
Naruto, having never been peeped on before, went deer-in-the-headlights at this newfound situation for a few seconds before realizing the girl was straight up staring at his… let's call it 'delicate fifth appendage'. He grabbed a towel to cover himself with one hand and grabbed the nearest soap bottle with another one, flinging it at her head on reflex.
It clocked her in the forehead and she stumbled out, accidentally closing the door behind her with a comically exaggerated grunt. Naruto dried himself off as well as he could and fastened the towel around his waist. He grabbed his head and shook it a few times. It wasn't the time to be getting down in the dumps. One step at a time. One day at a time. Just because his life was the way it was, didn't mean he couldn't have fun with it. And it just so happened that he now had another thing he could tease the slightly older girl with.
He opened the door with a shit-eating grin on his face. Kurotsuchi was still rubbing her forehead with a wince when he said "Wow, didn't know the princess from rock was a pervert. Now I know to time out my showers when you're not around."
She growled, an embarrassed blush staining her cheeks. "I tried knocking and you didn't answer! What, were you having an existential crisis in there?"
Naruto's eyebrows furrowed. "What's an existential crisis?"
Kurotsuchi huffed and picked herself up without managing to look him in the eye. "It's… nevermind. Let's just get moving, alright?" She said quickly.
Naruto shook his head. This was going to be too much fun. "No way. Not until you apologize," he said, crossing his arms over his chest and turning his chin away from her.
It was Kurotsuchi's turn to look surprised. "What did I do?" she asked incredulously.
"What did you… Well isn't it obvious?" Naruto asked with an outlandish flourish.
"No. It's not."
Naruto leaned over and got a little bit too much in her comfort bubble while staring her straight in the eyes. "You stared."
The blush that had abated somewhat over the seconds returned full force. "No I didn't!" She almost shouted.
Naruto nodded knowingly. "Oh, yes you did. And I'm not moving from this spot until you apologize."
Her lips pressed themselves into a thin line just as fire erupted in her eyes. "I am not apologizing because I did not stare at your tiny little prick!"
Naruto leaned back and shrugged his shoulders. "Okay, if you don't want to apologize, that's fine."
If Kurotsuchi was surprised he let it go that quickly, she didn't let it show. Her breathing began to get under control and she tried to say. "W-Well then, if that's it-"
"Unless," Naruto said, interrupting her. "That is, you want me to tell everyone that you peeked on me while I was naked, like a fucking pervert."
Her mouth curled up in a snarl at the flip of a dime. "No one will believe you."
"So you admit it!" Naruto said, pointing at her.
"I admit nothing!" Kurotsuchi all but screamed, her face starting to take a tinge of bluish purple. She looked like she was about to explode. And that wasn't a hyperbolic statement either.
Naruto turned away, hand cupping his chin as he began to walk down the corridor. "Oh, I wonder how your dear old grandpa's going to react when I tell him you were raping me with your eyes while I was having an existential crisis. I can just feel the grandfatherly disappointment now."
Putting aside the fact that he was using the term 'existential crisis' without even knowing what it meant, Kurotsuchi's eyes widened and her skin blanched, turning the red blush into a sickly pink. "NO! Don't do that!"
Naruto froze and swiveled around, smirk threatening to split his face in two. "You know, it would be pretty outlandish of a guy to accuse a girl of peeking on him. But you, you're scared of your grandpa knowing that you did for some reason. Are… Are you actually a pervert? Is peeking on men something you actually do?"
The blush took over the blanch again. Her brain was starting to short-circuit. "I-I-I It want- I was- You're not- I'm- framed. I was framed! That's all!"
Naruto scratched his head in confusion as the gibberish the girl was spewing. After a few deep breaths to recollect herself, she crossed her arms over her chest and, looking away, said "I'm sorry, okay?"
Oh, this was just too good. "Sorry for wha~t?" Naruto asked, dragging the last word out.
Her lips pressed themselves together into a thin line again. She started to murmur something out, but Naruto cupped a hand to his ear and said "I'm sorry, what was that again? Couldn't hear you."
"I'M SORRY I STARED AT YOUR DICK!" She shouted out in a burst, eyes pressed together. "NOW GET SOME FUCKING CLOTHES ON, YOU VOYEUR. WE'RE OUT IN FIVE."
Maybe hanging out with Kurotsuchi wasn't going to be so bad after all. Making her mad was just too easy and too much fun. Naruto gave her a salute and continued walking down the hall. "I'd hate to annoy the princess."
"AND STOP CALLING ME PRINCESS!"
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Naruto put a hand on his forehead to block out the sun as he stepped out the door and onto the street. Was it still the same day that he got into a fight with Yugito? Didn't feel like it. Apparently Kurotsuchi didn't take too kindly to his dawdling in front of the door and shoved him forward down the steps with the heel of her foot. Naruto sort of expected something along those lines, so he managed to catch and right himself rather quickly. The best thing about it was that it gave him an excuse to launch a quip at her.
"Woah woah, princess. You're testy today. What's got your goat?"
Kurotsuchi, for her part, looked absolutely murderous. "Walk, bastard. And don't call me that."
Naruto dusted off the non-existent dust from his pants and jacket and looked back at her. "Sorry, ma'am, your royalty, your highness, but the name's stuck. You're princess for now on."
Kurotsuchi almost stomped down the steps. "Then think of another one," she ground out.
Naruto shrugged. "How 'bout Penis-Snatcher? Dick-Sniper? Phallic-Lock-On?"
Kurotsuchi let her disgust show quite clearly through her face. "Do you even know what 'phallic' means, shit-for-brains?"
Naruto nodded. "Yeah, it means dick."
Kurotsuchi huffed and took the lead. "How the hell are you still alive? With the amount of people you've no doubt infuriated, you must be either made of lead or rubber to have made it through life so far."
Naruto put both hands behind his head and walked forward with a kick in his step. "Nope! Just gumption and stick-to-itiveness. And I'm more a pranker than a infuriater, you know. You just make too fun that I can't resist."
"Oh joy."
Looking down the streets at the people milling about their day, Naruto realized that there wasn't any sort of hurry in their step to get anywhere. He'd thought that with the hurry he was awoken with, that they were already late for the announcement. "What time is it, anyway?" he asked.
"We left at 11:30," Kurotsuchi said in a deadpan.
Naruto patted his decidedly empty belly. He hadn't had a substantial breakfast. "Have ya eaten yet?"
Kurotsuchi slowed her walking so she could tilt her head and look at him with a single, wary eye. "No…"
"Ya hungry?"
"I… yeah, I guess."
"D'ya wanna get something to eat?"
Kurotsuchi looked towards where the kage administration was. "We're going to make them wait if we do that."
Naruto shrugged. "So what? The announcement's at noon, and even if we are late a little bit, they'll just stall the speech a bit with some bullshit. Pervy-sage is probably going to do it, too. He's really good at stalling for time."
"What if we have lines to say?"
"Ahh, we're not going to have lines to say. We're here so everyone knows that it's possible that the six of us don't kill each other-"
"And you're really tempting me to prove their prior assertions right, by the way." Kurotsuchi mumbled coldly.
"…Anyway, we're up there to wave and look pretty. That means we have lunch privileges. You hungry for anything in particular?" He asked, deciding their course of action on his own.
Kurotsuchi shook her head and pinched the bridge of her nose. "Anything quick."
Naruto gave her a mega-watt grin. "A woman after my own heart. To ramen we go! Come on!" With that, Naruto launched up the rooftops and started jumping his way to his favorite ramen restaurant.
Kurotsuchi took a second to shake her head and jumped up after him. Even if war erupted tomorrow and they divorced, their marriage was going to last too long. Way too long. She had to admit that being treated with a mocking hostility was refreshing compared to how people usually interacted with her back at her home, but it was the sort of thing that she only really wanted to experience once. Sure, eating exotic foods is nice when you've been fed only oatmeal your whole life, but when you start puking your guts out, you come to understand that things are exotic for a reason.
It only took a few minutes to get to Naruto's favorite restaurant, a small ramen stand nestled into a non-descript street. It didn't look like it was bustling with activity or that it was all too different from any other ramen place. No advertisements of challenge meals or any shtick to speak of. She wondered why he seemed so happy to be going back.
She found out almost immediately when he opened the flaps and was greeted by the staff like he'd been raised by them. Banter flew back and forth almost immediately with smiles and faux consternation abound. It took her a while to realize that the slight changes in the way he acted was his real self, him around the people he was comfortable with. Sitting next to him made her feel like a person who was witnessing something she didn't have a right to. Like a stranger invited to a party with only close friends who have known each other since childhood. For a few seconds, she felt no small amount of jealously to the amount of ease and comfort with which they regarded each other.
And then she remembered him mocking her for wearing a dress and threatening to tell her grandpa that she peeked on him. Any sort of deep thoughts about the nature of his character was put on the side-burner for the sake of rekindling her already intense dislike for him.
"And you know," the old man said with his back turned to the duo as he scooped out noodles from a pot "That girl from sand, the one that was down in the dumps, ended up taking the bill. You should thank her when you have the chance."
"Ooohohohoho," Ayame said with an impish eyebrow wiggle. "And who was that girl anyway? Am I going to have to worry about more blond haired brats running around, making a mess of the village?"
Naruto laughed nervously and rubbed the back of his neck. Kurotsuchi couldn't be sure in the sparse lighting, but she could swear she saw a light blush pop up on his cheeks. He either had a thing for Temari, which was unlikely, or the ribbing that the young woman was giving him had started to become normalized and he was just reacting the way he did when he was a kid.
From what Kurotsuchi could tell so far, the woman was kind of like a surrogate older sister and the old man filled the kindly grandpa role for him. Kurotsuchi allowed a devilish smirk to grow on her face. If she wasn't going to capitalize on this moment, then who would?
"Awww, Naru-honey~" Kurotsuchi moaned out in a perfectly acted out hyperbolic show of frustration. While she did that, she hugged both her arms around his bicep and leaned her upper body against his. He froze from the surprise mid-slurp and his face grew heated when she pressed her head against his.
He also wasn't good with women touching him. Good to know. She filed that little bit of knowledge in the back of her mind for later.
"When're you gonna introduce me to them~?" she whined out with a much higher pitched voice. She wasn't sure how it sounded to them, but her own eardrums were begging for mercy, so she could only hope that they were feeling the worst of it.
While she might not have liked the curriculum for the female-specific tasks, she did find out that she was a natural Shakespearian from them. No role was too difficult for her to do. And the annoying girlfriend routine was practically second-hat by now from all the impressions her 'friends' enjoyed.
The noodles hanging out of his mouth fell to the broth with a small plopping sound. His eyes were wide open and his mouth was pressed in a surprised line, trying to keep all the food firmly in his mouth. He was surprised. Good. She was in control of the situation.
He made a hard gulp and dumbly said, "Huh?"
"Ah-" Kurotsuchi fake chided, putting a finger to the corner of his mouth, where there was a small dribble of broth leaking. She wiped the liquid up and said "What did I say about table manners?" switching to a slightly sultrier tone before putting her broth-soaked digit in her mouth. The girl made a show of making sloppy, sucking, licking sounds as she thrust the finger in and out of her mouth at a slow pace. "That makes you a bad boy. And you know what happens when you're a bad boy…"
Kurotsuchi's eyes twitched over to the two ramen chefs for a quarter of a second. Their eyes were wide with their mouths hanging wide open. The ramen stand could be on fire and they wouldn't notice.
Perfect. Just perfect.
"What're you-" Naruto tried to get out a question before Kurotsuchi took the saliva soaked finger away from her mouth and pressed it to his in a hushing motion.
"Shh shh shh shhhhh. Oh honey, darling, my love, why are you treating me so coldly? And after the sight you treated me to this morning~"
Ayame turned her head away and to the side as her cheeks lit up a crimson glow while Teuchi went back to the broth, unsure of what to say or how to act in such a situation.
Looking over to the two chef's reactions, Naruto's eyes lit up with realization as he thrust his head away from her hand and looked at the now silent ramen chefs. His eyes pressed into lines as he glared at the she-devil. "Oh, you she-devil," he muttered out.
Without breaking character, she smiled a smile that would put Satan to shame and sucked on her lower lip in a slow and sensual way as she growled out a playful mewl. Naruto slapped a hand on the table and said "Th-This is just a whole big misunderstanding," he said desperately, trying to piece back together the respect of his pseudo family that was lost from essentially bringing a whore to the dinner table.
"What's a big misunderstanding?" Kurotsuchi asked helplessly. "You said it yourself this morning. I'm just a pervert who gets off on-"
She didn't get another word out as Naruto hurriedly slapped a hand over her mouth and grinned nervously at the two over the counter as they tried to puzzle out the situation. Naruto was caught in between his inability to lie and his not wanting Ayame and Teuchi to misunderstand the situation. "She's- She's… Well, she's not lying, but she's not telling the truth either."
Kurotsuchi wiggled out of his grasp. "Ahhh, what's that supposed to mean, honey? Even after you made me admit my perversions, you're acting like this morning didn't even happen~"
"That's because it didn't happen! At least not the way you're… you're… making it sound like!"
Kurotsuchi, still smiling like the devil, held her head in her hands and put her elbows on the table, looking to Ayame now instead. "And what do you think happened, huh?"
Ayame started spluttering out in surprised, but was interrupted by Kurotsuchi. "You know…" Kurotsuchi tilted her head down and gave the ramen chef's daughter and knowing look. "I can confirm that darling here has the largest chakra capacity I've ever seen in my life."
Ayame's embarrassed face slowly turned to one of confusion. "Wait… what's that supposed to mean?"
Naruto was looking at her too, not knowing where she was going with that one.
Kurotsuchi's smile grew until it was nearly splitting her face open. She leaned forward and put a hand to separate Naruto's view of her mouth. "It means," she whispered loudly so that everybody could hear, completely nullifying the utility of her hand cover "That he has a big di-"
"Okay then!" Naruto said loudly, slapping a hand over her mouth once more. This time though, he didn't let off and even dragged her to a stand away from the ramen restaurant. "Thanks for the food old man, just put it on my tab and don't be late for the announcement," he said as he walked off the restaurant with a patently fake smile, leaving behind two befuddled and embarrassed shop keepers.
Once they were far enough away, Naruto let his hand fall from her face and turned seriously to her. "What the hell was that?"
Her smile had abated somewhat, but the evil was still there. "You wanna play games, okay. Just don't cry when the tables are turned."
Naruto raised a finger and looked like he was about to wax indignant before his digit lost its rigidity and his back fell forward. His face was a mixture of frustration and annoyance. He spat out a curse and straightened out his back. "Okay, fair enough. I was okay with letting this stay as a one-off, but if you wanna play, then we're going to play. Now, where do you want to go now?" His eyes were squinting and the smile on his face was a challenge just waiting to be claimed.
Kurotsuchi smiled back. "You're gonna help me pick out an outfit for the announcement."
One of his eyebrows rose. "Do we have enough time?"
She nodded. "For what I'm planning, yes."
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Naruto's eye twitched something fierce. In front of him, in the store he had made fun of Kurotsuchi just that morning through a clone, were five or so women with their eyes wide open as they looked at something they couldn't believe.
To be fair to his situation, he had known from the first sentence out of Kurotsuchi's mouth what her plan was. He had contented himself with the conviction that he could deftly get out of her machinations and put her in the center of embarrassment instead.
Standing, having just had his transformation explosively undone and still wearing the sparkly, ruby red evening dress with matching high heels, he had to admit that he had underestimated her. Not only had she nullified the cloth-shredding seal he always had on hand which would have rendered her half-naked in front of the patrons, but she had also maneuvered him in front of other shoppers before applying a genjutsu counter on his female transformation, leaving him crossdressing in front of the women.
When he changed clothes to that of a woman while he was Naruko, he had been planning on using it as a way to sneak the cloth-shredding seal into the she-devil's clothes without her noticing.
She noticed. She counteracted it. Then she counterattacked his counterattack.
He quickly shuffled his way to the changing room, unable to speak to the women, much less look them in the eye, and stripped out of the evening dress like his life depended on it as soon as he was in a booth.
It was only then that he realized that someone had taken his clothes. And so, he was standing in the box, in his underwear, with nothing left to put on.
It was her again.
The sound of barely constrained giggling was his only warning before the evening dress too was grabbed off the floor. He stood in that small changing room for all of five seconds, mind racing with all the things he could do to get out of that situation with his pride still intact, and came up blank.
"Hey princess?" he asked feebly.
"Yeah?" she asked, barely able to keep herself from full-belly laughing.
"If I admit defeat here, will you give me back my clothes?"
He heard her pace back and forth a few times, mulling over his proposal. "I don't know… that offer isn't really enticing, you know…"
"What if I complemented you every day for the rest of your life?"
She stopped pacing. "Oh? Give me a taste and I'll see for myself if it's worth the trouble."
Naruto had to bite the inside of his cheek from frowning too hard. It would have impeded his speech otherwise. "You… are… a goddess in human incarnate."
"I don't know… sounds a bit 'suck-uppy'."
"You are the most beautiful woman alive. Any man would be lucky to have you," Naruto said in complete monotone.
"You're going to have to be a bit more enthused than that."
Naruto ground his teeth together. "You are the wisest, smartest, strongest, most benevolent woman- No, human being alive. I am lucky to be in your presence. I would prostrate myself before you, but I have no room. If I could, I would start a religion in your honor."
She chuckled a bit from outside the changing room. "Here's the thing, I can tell you don't really mean any of that stuff..."
Naruto practically snarled and opened the door with a suddenness Kurotsuchi was not expecting. He, while still only wearing his boxer shorts, walked up to her so fast that she started backpedaling on instinct until she couldn't anymore.
She ended up with her back pressed against the wall and her arms full of the clothes Naruto had been wearing. He was close, almost dangerously so. A sudden jerk from either of them and they'd be touching in a most intimate way. For a few seconds, he did nothing but stare into her eyes, face stern, but not overly frustrated or angry. He leaned in even closer, the breath coming from his nose tickling her lips. She gulped hard and could feel sweat begin to percolate on her brow. Was this really happening? Did she push him too far?
"You…" he said slowly from the pit of his stomach. "…Have beautiful eyes."
Kurotsuchi blinked once, twice, three times, before her voice came to her. "W-What?" she asked.
He looked down to the clothes in her arms. "Was that good enough."
"I-I'm… what?"
"The compliment?" Naruto forcefully reiterated.
Kurotsuchi's brain kick started back into position. Her face was hot. Was she blushing? Why was she blushing? Hurriedly, she shoved the clothes in her arms onto him and stalked out of the changing room, where there was starting to be a small, somewhat entertained crowd of women standing around and leering at him.
He gave them a happy-go-lucky smile, gave a bullshit excuse, and went back into the changing room.
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Kurotsuchi was waiting with her arms crossed over her chest in front of the building when Naruto exited as well. He had a bag with the store's logo in his hand. His face was sour and indignant.
"They made me buy the dress, by the way," he muttered in greeting. "Apparently, they don't take too kindly to crossdressing."
She shrugged like it didn't concern her. "Are we going to administration now?" she asked, refusing to meet his gaze.
He smiled like a sadist. "Not by a long shot."
She glanced at him with equal parts apprehension and confusion.
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"FUUAAAUAUAUAUAUUAUAUCK YOUUUUUU NARUTOOOO UZUMAKIIII!" Kurotsuchi screamed as she jumped away from ninja dogs doing their best to play 'catch the rogue ninja'.
The Inuzuka clan member next to Naruto leaned his way a few inches and asked "Are you sure this is okay?"
Naruto nodded emphatically. "Oh yeah, she's always admired the Inuzuka clan. I think this is the happiest I've ever seen her, in fact," he said as if it was the most natural thing in the world.
"ONCE I GET AWAY FROM THESE FUCKING MONGRELS, I'M GOING TO TEAR YOU OPEN THREE NEW ASSHOLES, THEN I'M GONNA SHOVE YOUR HEAD UP ALL OF 'EM!"
"That doesn't seem physically possible," the Inuzuka muttered.
Naruto shook his head. "No, it doesn't."
"Are you sure she's okay with this? It doesn't seem like she's too happy."
Naruto nodded and clicked his tongue like he had forgotten to mention something prior in their conversation. "Yeah, she's a realist. She just doesn't feel right if she's not in character."
The Inuzuka shrugged. "As long as there's no diplomatic incident and the dogs get their exercise."
Naruto grinned. "I should start trying to apply that philosophy in my life. Simple. Effective. Straight-to-the-point."
"I HOPE YOU GET BALL CANCER!"
"Aren't you cutting it a bit too close for comfort as far as the announcement's going?" Naruto asked, ignoring the screaming girl entirely.
The Inuzuka member shrugged. "I'm not going. Probably not important anyway."
Naruto nodded as he gazed at the girl from rock, spewing philippics that would have made pervy-sage cringe. "Yeah, you've got a point there."
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Team 8, comprised of Kiba Inuzuka, Shino Aburame, and Hinata Hyuuga, were all walking down the street on their way to see what the Hokage was going to say when they happened on a most peculiar sight. Right smack dab in the middle of the street, what appeared to be a man was hanging upside down from his feet attached to a lamppost. This man was covered in a layer of sticky tar with a layer of white feathers on top. On the crown of his head was tied a red rubber glove cut in such a way that the fingers were arranged in a Mohawk-type pattern and his mouth was covered by a party hat painted yellow with a black line going across it horizontally, giving a beak-like look to it.
"Hey guys," the man mumbled. "Think you could help me down?"
Kiba squinted at the man for a few seconds before seeing the whisker marks on his cheeks and his light blue eyes. "Shit man, is that Naruto?" he asked.
The bugs around Shino buzzed for a few seconds. He gave a silent nod, confirming who it was.
Hinata blushed up a storm as Kiba cut the wire holding Naruto's feet in place. He fell in a clump on the ground and got up with all the speed one would expect from someone covered in tar. Kiba crossed his arms over his chest and shook his head. "Should've known that the first time I meet you in two and a half years and you're like this. Who'd you piss off this time?"
Naruto puffed out his chest indignantly. "Don't think this is a one-way thing. I'm gonna get the person who did this to me tenfold."
"I don't doubt it," Kiba mumbled. "So who was it anyway? He must've been pretty good to get one up on you."
"She is," a voice from behind them said haughtily. The three of them turned around to see a triumphant-looking girl wearing the traditional shinobi wear from rock. Kiba would have guessed she was a boy were it not for the clarification sentence she gave. No small amount of that was due to the tussed-up hair, clothing covered in dog bitess, wild look in her eye, and the overwhelming scent of Inuzuka clan dogs on her body.
Kiba spoke to her, but her attention was squarely away from the dog boy. Instead, she was studying the girl with long violet hair, red face, and body language that said she was about to faint. And it had only started once she had been confronted with a tarred and feathered Naruto.
That could only mean one thing.
"Where are you guys going?" she asked the three of them, cutting Kiba off mid-sentence.
"To the Hokage's announcement," Shino said without missing a beat, cutting off Kiba's follow-up indignant repost.
Kurotsuchi sauntered up to the still reeling Naruto, sidled up to him, and planted a quick kiss on his non-tarred cheek. "Well don't be late Sakura, the surprise is going to be great," she said just before body flickering the both of them away.
The three members of team 8 were, for their part, very confused.
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Naruto shoved Kurotsuchi off of him as soon as he could. "What was that about?!"
She stumbled away with her evil grin on full display. "Wanted to make your girlfriend jealous," she said simply.
Naruto's eyes scrunched in confusion. "What the hell are you talking about?"
She looked at him quizzically. "The girl with the long hair? That wasn't your girlfriend?"
Naruto shook his head emphatically. "No. It wasn't. That was Hinata. And Sakura isn't even my girlfriend."
This statement confused Kurotsuchi greatly until a flicker of realization came to her eyes. "Oh, wait. Then does that mean this Sakura chick doesn't even like you?"
Naruto's visible cheeks colored red as he averted his gaze. "Yeah, so what? We're teammates."
Kurotsuchi covered her mouth to contain her laughter. "Did you get friend-zoned? Oh, you poor, sweet child."
Naruto growled and affronted on her, though she did not back up in the slightest. "Don't talk about shit that you don't know anything about. It's more complicated than that!"
Kurotsuchi shrugged. "Whatever gets you to sleep at night," she said as she turned her body towards administration. "Seriously though, we should get going. We're totally late."
Naruto clapped a hand on her shoulder and shook his head evilly. "Oh no, we're making one more stop before we go."
Kurotsuchi's grin rose as tall as his challenge. "Okay. Better not cry to your mommy when I beat your ass, though."
Naruto's smile matched her own. "My mom's dead."
She shrugged. "So is mine."
00000000
Kakashi's feet landed on the soft grass just before three wooden posts protruding from the ground. The field was nostalgic for all sorts of reasons and brought back many memories he would rather remain quashed in the small parts of his mind, but he wasn't standing in that field for them. He was standing in front of the two teenagers he had been looking for for the better of 15 minutes.
At least Naruto was predictable in some senses. He didn't know what he would have done if Naruto and Kurotsuchi were somewhere only they knew about.
Though if it weren't for the scent of Naruto that he had become associated, he wouldn't have known it was him to begin with. Although most of the feathers had been brushed off, Naruto was still blackened with tar and now had pieces of twigs and leaves stuck to his body. Next to him was a vaguely human-shaped thing he surmised must be Kurotsuchi. She was covered head to toe in paints, primarily pinks and lavenders, and for some reason was wearing a tutu. The two of them were laughing between panting breaths as they laid against the same wooden pole in the middle.
Kakashi sighed and took out his porn as he beheld the two. "Hello, Naruto," he said evenly.
Naruto's attention flickered to the scarecrow, signaling cheerfulness to come out from hiding. "Oh, hey Kakashi-sensei. How's the life been? I've gotten…" Naruto paused and grunted as he brought himself back up. "…I've gotten a lot stronger over my training trip. I could take those bells all by myself now if I wanted to."
Kurotsuchi crackled up with renewed laughter. "Wow, you leaf ninja sure have some weird practices."
Naruto turned around to look at her. "What's so weird about snatching bells?"
Kurotsuchi's half-lidden eyes and slightly open mouth were indications of her being drunk off of laughter. She was absolutely giddy with herself. "Oh… thought you said balls."
Naruto cracked up laughing as well, making Kakashi almost sigh. And she wasn't the only one drunk off happy either. "A lot of people are looking for you too…" Kakashi tried to say as menacingly as he could.
The blond teenager in question shrugged. "Yeah, yeah, I know." He offered a hand to the prone girl, who accepted it and pulled herself up. "We're going."
Kakashi shook his head and put two hands on either of their shoulders. "Brace yourself," he said.
00000000
The two teenagers stumbled to the floor, sprinkling flecks of paint and smears of tar all over the ground. It was rather cramped, with all the world leaders, the members of the contract, and now Kakashi standing with his hands covered in either black tar or multicolored paint in the middle of it all. The faint booming of Jiraiya's enhanced voice could be heard up on top of the roof. As soon as he could, Kakashi body flickered out of the room.
Tsunade was the first one to move, standing Naruto up by the scruff of his collar and looking him straight in the eye. "Where have you been?" she asked furiously.
Naruto shrugged in a show of mass disrespect. "I got lost on the road of life."
Tsunade growled at him lowly as she stared him in the eyes. He could tell she was deliberating between chewing him out right then and there and waiting for when there was more time.
When she didn't respond right away, Fu stepped forward and asked "What happened to you two?" with a worried quaver in her voice.
Tsunade let go of him and stalked back to her desk while he scratched the back of his head with a toothy grin showing on his face. "It's… uhmm… You'd have to be there to get it."
By now, Kurotsuchi was up-and-at-em too with a comparative smile. "But what really matters is that I won."
Naruto play-scoffed. "You wish, princess."
She crossed her arms over her chest and leaned back a little bit. "I literally tarred and feathered you. That can't be beaten."
"And I got you to fall into a Punjabi trap filled with princess paint. I think that's a top."
"Is not."
"Is too."
"Enough!" Tsunade barked out. "Transform so you two look like normal people, then get your asses up there right now!"
Naruto's and Kurotsuchi's spine stiffened and they both rose a hand up to their foreheads to salute. "Yessir/Righto!"
Out of earshot, Ai leaned over to Onoki and murmured "Your granddaughter's excitable, isn't she?" There was a mocking grin painted over his face which didn't need to be seen to be known.
"Says the man whose Jinchuuriki had a meltdown this morning," Onoki quipped back.
They both flinched when soft hands with iron grips clasped on their shoulders. Mei leaned forward with a death smile and lowly said "Ara? Do I hear the gossiping of schoolgirls? It must just be me, right? There's no way that two heads of state could be measuring their dicks while in earshot of me, right?"
Onoki raised both hands in the air, not perturbed by the hand digging into his shoulder. "I'm not the one who started it."
Mei let go of their shoulders with a sigh. "If this is going to work, we need to at least act cordial. Try not to keep score over whose girl is best. It's unsightly."
Fu flitted over to them. "What's going on?"
"Nothing is going on," Tsunade said with barely restrained anger. "Except for you six marching your asses up the roof and waving at the crowds while Jiraiya does his routine. Got it?!"
Yugito puffed out of existence as she body flickered up to the roof where Jiraiya was. Tsunade pinched the bridge of her nose out of frustration. "As a GROUP!"
Temari was the next one to body flicker alone, causing Tsunade to sit down lest she begin a rampage.
"I'm just gunna go, then, if that's okay…" Fu said quietly before puffing away.
"See ya, boys," Mei said huskily. She was half-way through blowing a kiss when she puffed away too.
Naruto nudged Kurotsuchi in the elbow. "Guess it's just us, then."
She shook her head, saying "Nope, just you," before puffing away as well.
"Gah-" Naruto blurted out. "She didn't wait for me…"
"GO!"
Naruto waved Tsunade off "Yeah, I got it. I got it."
00000000
The six of them stood side by side on top of the kage administration with Jiraiya's towering form directly behind them, going through a long preamble about the horrors of war and what could be done to take steps towards peace. The crowd under them were not just of civilian nature alone, meaning that the streets, the walls, the rooftops, antennas, pillars, and even a large bird were all used as purchases for shinobi to use. There was a sea of people, all with expectant, annoyed, or wary eyes directed towards what was happening. Many had guesses to how the speech was going to turn out, but not a single one was right.
"The Jinchuuriki of the cloud, Yugito Nii! The ones who have not faced off against her know at least her might! She is not only an accomplished Kunoichi of one of the five great villages, but also one of the most powerful people alive, having mastered her beast's power!" Jiraiya shouted out, beginning to name the people on the roof with grandiose.
As he paused, there was a smattering of uneasy murmuring in the crowds of the people. The eyes of the people reflected equal parts awe and fear. Yugito shifted her weight from side to side. She didn't know how uncomfortable it was going to be being stared at by a whole village of people until it was happening. To her, all their eyes were searching her up and down, looking for any weak points that they could try to exploit. Her eyes flickered over to the end of the line, where Naruto was. His stature was straight and tall with a beaming smile on his face. He wasn't only okay with the attention, he basked in it like a cat would in sunlight. She had the feeling that if he was standing next to her, she'd be able to rest easier, prompting a particularly lascivious assault from the demon in her body.
"Daughter of the previous leader of sand and sister to the current leader, Temari no Sabaku! Not only of a noble bloodline and proud posture, this girl, no older than 18, is one of the youngest jonin among the sand population of shinobi to attain that rank and has mastered the usage of wind arts to a degree few ever have!"
Temari was used to such gazes. Not only from the people staring at her on the streets, but because she was sometimes invited to the speeches her father gave, few that he did. She had been shy the first few times, but had grown used to the stares over time. As she looked down and back at the people of the leaf, even recognizing a few of them, a strange flicker of hope began to kindle in her chest. There had already been hiccups aplenty, but if the contract worked as intended, it could mean a demilitarization of the entire continent. It could mean that a profession that included lying, cheating, stealing, and killing would no longer be looked up to as a noble one. And besides, her day-to-day had been, until then, sorely lacking the sort of unrestrained joviality that Naruto often brought along with him. It could be a nice change of pace to travel with such a man.
"Jinchuuriki of the waterfall, Fu! Unknown to many as she had been sequestered in her village as a deterrent and a defensive weapon! Along with Yugito, also one of the most powerful people on the continent with an impressive host of abilities rare for even a demon host!"
Fu smiled brightly and clearly for all the people in front of her. She raised her hands high above her head and waved them back and forth. A small cheer rang out from somewhere in the crowd, followed by another, then another, then another, until there was a small roar of applause and cheer from them. Considering the amount of people there, the noise was lackluster, but it lightened many of their spirits. Her spirit, which only possibly matched their own Jinchuuriki's, was infectious. The girl wasn't sure about the prospect of universal peace. What truly excited her was the idea of travelling across the continent with people who could have understood her plight even marginally. Even if most of them were downers, it was going to be fun being with them. Especially Naruto and now maybe Kurotsuchi. They looked like they knew how to create their own fun. Exactly her kind of people.
"Leader of the rebellion against the Bloody Mist, Mei Terumi! Having mastered two different types of bloodline releases, she has led a new future to her village! Already, her populace has praised her for the practices she has put in place! Another one of the most powerful people on the continent and a born leader!"
Mei smiled serenely as she waved to the crowd sedately. She'd been through the rigmarole of addressing populaces and had every part of her body perfectly practiced towards lifting the people's spirits. A whistle rang out from the audience, making her smile draw upwards ever so slightly. Soon, there was more whistling, though this was quieted much more harshly by the attending partners of the whistlers than Fu's exuberant waving.
"Granddaughter of the current Tsuchikage of rock, Kurotsuchi! With a bloodline limit of her own that she has mastered, she has won the hearts of the people of rock!"
Noticing that that was all the introduction she was going to get, Kurotsuchi turned back at the man and gave him a death glare, not that it made him falter all too much. She turned around suddenly, stomped up to the railing, put a foot on the top and struck a single fist in the air. "Let's hear some noise!" she shouted out at the top of her lungs.
At first, there was only stifled laughter in the audience, but there was soon a raving cheer going across the sea of people. People began to compete with how loud their voices could be and even stark haters of hidden rock felt a light grin tug their lips. She crossed her arms and stomped her way back in line, leaving a line of colorful paint on the ground unseen by the people. As soon as she was back next to Naruto, she nudged him in the shoulder. "Beat that," she said in challenge.
He grinned. "Oh, I will."
"Naruto Uzumaki! Many of you all know him as a prankster, a hell raiser, a loudmouth, or a little brat…"
Naruto turned back and gave the old man the stink eye. Jiraiya had to pause as a slight chuckle overcame his seriousness for a second. As soon as that happened, there was a smattering of laughter among the audience too.
Jiraiya straightened himself out and put his serious mask back on. "And yet… many of the people here today have heard of him. You have seen him during the chunin exams several years ago. You've heard tales of his exploits, of his relationships, of his very goals, with doubt and disbelief. But any of you that have met him know about him. You know that he will be the last one to give in. He will won't ever give up, because that's his shinobi way. That's the way he lives his life. He's grown now and has been trained by myself all the way. The reason for this training is… to help him contain the nine tailed demon fox sealed in his gut."
And just like that, there was silence in the audience. From disbelief and confusion from the younger generation and shock from the older.
Thanks to the silence, Jiraiya's voice was all the more louder. "Many of you already know this, but the younger generation does not. Naruto Uzumaki had the Kyuubi sealed in his gut by the fourth Hokage, Minato Namikaze with the help of his wife, Kushina Uzumaki. That is the way that he defeated the Kyuubi, as a tailed beast can never be truly defeated through conventional means."
Kurotsuchi felt her stomach tighten up. All of the sudden, there was a constellation of dots in her mind, trying to make connections as fast as she could and not liking the result that they were coming out to.
"And if any of you are wondering what happened to the fourth Hokage's secret wife, Kushina Uzumaki… Well… she died protecting her newborn son."
Everyone's eyes grew in the audience at the reveal of this new information. A few had already figured out what Jiraiya was going to say next, but most were just too shocked by the information to do anything, Kurotsuchi included.
"But worry not, for her son has survived all this time. And his name, is Naruto Uzumaki…"
Kurotsuchi's stomach twisted itself in knots. She couldn't move anymore. She couldn't think anymore. She couldn't even hear the cheer raised throughout the crowd as Naruto incited more excitement than she ever could. She didn't see the triumphant smile on his face and she didn't feel the nudge against her shoulder from him.
There was no jutsu entrapping her thoughts and movements. The chains that bound her were securely made from forged and hardened rage, long thought to have been bottled back in the recesses of her mind, only to find it brought back with enough force to temporarily paralyze her body.
Jiraiya began to lay out to the plan of the countries, but she didn't hear them. Eventually, the leaders of the respective villages popped up there behind them, but she didn't feel them. Naruto leaned to the side and asked if she was okay, but she didn't even notice him. She couldn't. How could she? How would she?
Because she was standing next to the son of the man who killed her mother.