Rekindle or Burn Out
"You're dismissed."
The words, spoken with about as much feeling as a stone wall, fell on Tetsunosuke's incredulous ears. "S-Sir…?"
"You heard me." Hijikata was seated on the floor of his quarters, sifting through paperwork. Off to the side was a half-filled bag of belongings and spare mayonnaise bottles. His sleeves were rolled up to his elbows, jacket discarded on the floor instead of neatly hung up. "Take your things and go."
Tetsunosuke's fingers itched to snatch that jacket up, dust it off, iron it, and hang it up on the wall, ready for another day's work, like nothing had changed at all.
After the Mimawarigumi had left, promising to return soon with the means to board the place up, Hijikata had turned and wordlessly walked back into the complex. Unsure of what to do next, Tetsunosuke had followed soon after, but at a slower pace, wanting to give the man some breathing room. Surely he would come up with a plan to overturn the execution orders and rescue Kondou somehow. The Shinsengumi had protected and escorted Shige Shige back to Edo only. Whoever had been guarding him at the castle should be held responsible for the deceptive friend and his poisoned needle. Not the Shinsengumi. Not Kondou Isao.
What about the Mimawarigumi? Where had they been all this time? They hadn't participated in the ploy against the enemy. "Isaburou has to be behind this—"
"I do not want to hear that bastard's name right now," Hijikata cut in roughly with a sharp glare, "You're treading a fine line with me here, Tetsu. I gave you your dismissal orders and I expect you to obey them as my final command."
Tetsunosuke's hands balled into tight fists. It couldn't end like this. "But we have to do something! That's why we're holding an emergency meeting at the abandoned shrine to discuss ways to get Chief back—"
"And die in the process?" Hijikata crumpled pieces of paper between his hands and tossed them behind his shoulder. "You misunderstand. Kondou-san sent us to the funeral, because he knew he was going to be arrested. If any of us had tried to stop the arrest, we would've been sentenced to death, as well. He knew that. He knows that. And that's why he sent us away, so that he would face the consequences alone."
"But—"
"To ignore that and act on our own against his wishes is insubordination."
Tetsunosuke bit his bottom lip. Did Hijikata hear what he was saying? The fact that he wasn't even trying to save Kondou was disconcerting.
"It was only a matter of time when that poor excuse of a leader became Shogun. Our time as Edo's protectors is over. Kondou-san foresaw everything and acted to save us, and I will not allow us to demean his sacrifice by foolishly throwing away our lives."
"But Vice-Chief—"
Hijikata slammed a fist onto the floor, uttering in a voice colder than ice, "Don't call me that ever again."
Stunned again by mere words and the callous way in which they were spoken, Tetsunosuke stared at Hijikata, searching a dark unflinching gaze for any sense of meaning in this incomprehensible situation. But there was nothing there. No reason, no light, no fire. Absolutely nothing.
Simply put, they were the eyes of a broken man.
Looking away, as though ashamed, Hijikata said in a calmer but distant voice, "Don't make me force you into submission, Tetsu. Just do as I say…one last time."
Tetsunosuke suddenly realized that Hijikata hadn't punched him or demanded he commit seppuku. All of Hijikata's threats were empty. Every hopeful argument was countered with a pessimistic one. Aside from bouts of anger, he remained unbelievably reserved, as though both body and soul had lost the strength to stand on their own.
What had happened to the Hijikata Toushirou who never gave up and insisted that personal change and growth was necessary in order to conquer an immovable wall? Where was the man who would fight to save his friends or die trying? Where had he gone?
Had Hijikata completely given up on Kondou and the Shinsengumi, his most important people?
Eyes watering, Tetsunosuke tried one last time to rouse Hijikata into action. The Shinsengumi needed him. The vice-chief was supposed to act in place of an absent chief and lead them to victory. "Hijikata-san," Tetsunosuke whispered hoarsely, "We can't do this without you…"
"You can and you will. Kondou-san wants you all to live and my will is the same as his. Are you telling me to go against his will? Are you telling me to disobey him? You better the hell not be."
"N-No, of course not!"
"Then stop clinging to false hope and move on with your lives. Forget us—forget the Shinsengumi. There is nothing left for you here." Hijikata paused and lifted his gaze to a scroll on the wall, voice growing quieter. "I've done all that I can and I don't know what more I can do. As it turns out, I'm useless because I can't do a damn thing without him."
Tetsunosuke squeezed his eyes shut to barricade the tears that overpowered him, anyway. This was happening. This was really happening.
The Shinsengumi were no more.
Hijikata had lost his purpose.
And Kondou was going to die.
Taking a deep breath, Tetsunosuke thought back to his first week as an official member of the Shinsengumi after the Mimawarigumi and Joui incident. The men treated him like an old friend welcomed back home. In time, Harada lent him his personal copies of favourite action movies. Kumanaku lectured him on all manner of cleanliness. Kamiyama praised every little thing about Okita whether Tetsunosuke had asked or not. Yamazaki shared his extra anpan and tips on espionage. Saitou always wrote a morning greeting in his notebook. Okita told him embarrassing anecdotes about their vice-chief. Hijikata sparred with him twice a week, entrusted him with important tasks that he left to no one else, and ordered him never to give up. Kondou laughed and clapped him on the back, dispelling anxieties.
"But when darkness closes in and things seem hopeless, you fight with all you have for even the smallest flicker of light. If you don't, then that's when you'll know that you've truly lost your way."
Kondou's words.
Opening his eyes, Tetsunosuke decided on one final move. "This might be presumptuous of me, sir, but I want to turn back to you words that you told me a long time ago…" He hesitated, expecting a rebuke, but seized the chance to continue when Hijikata remained silent. "If you ever doubt the path you're on, look within yourself and find your purpose again. Then…keep walking forward."
Hijikata didn't respond and continued to rummage through his dwindling pile of paperwork.
Tetsunosuke started to leave, but stopped at the doorway, turned around, and saluted Hijikata. "I, Sasaki Tetsunosuke, will always be ready at a moment's notice to serve as your assistant, Hijikata-san. I…" The lump in his throat was painful. "I'll keep working hard…and I'll never forget what you've done for me." He dropped his hand to enfold with his other in front, and bowed low. "Thank you very much!" Then, he turned and walked away, not waiting for an answer he didn't expect from someone who needed to find his fire again on his own.
Hijikata had shown up to the meeting only to, more or less, repeat the same things he had said to Tetsunosuke. The only one who had dared to confront him with harsh words had been Okita, who told Hijikata that they were essentially surviving by stepping on Kondou's corpse. With such a volatile atmosphere, Tetsunosuke had expected a serious fight between the two where tensions were always brewing.
But instead of expressing outrage, Hijikata had simply puffed on his cigarette, telling them to think however they wish and do whatever they want, and then he vanished into the night.
Disheartened by their vice-chief admitting defeat, the Shinsengumi went their separate ways, scattered into various jobs or else wandered aimlessly.
It had hardly been two days since the official disbandment, but for Tetsunosuke, it felt more like a month. He had taken up a job at an inn as part of the cleaning staff, having no special skills outside of swordsmanship and running errands for people. He considered himself fortunate, as it was unlikely that people would give former Shinsengumi members any kind of paid position in the workforce. Their name had become a disgrace to society, but the Sasaki name still held some leverage, and that in and of itself was more of a disgrace to Tetsunosuke than anything else. But if he had to use his family name in order to survive long enough to do something about the Shinsengumi, then he would.
Former Shinsengumi. Just saying it aloud or in his mind sounded startlingly unnatural, especially for a man who never once imagined he'd belong to a group of samurai he was proud to be a part of.
Pausing to wipe sweat from his brow, Tetsunosuke leaned back on his haunches and stared at the rag in his hand, traces of dirt and dust all over. Wiping the floors during a time of the day when he'd normally be in the archives or out on patrol with Hijikata…
The door to one of the rooms opened and the innkeeper poked his head out in the hallway, thin face narrowed into a glare. "Hey! I'm not payin' ya to sit on your ass all comfy-like! Get back to work!"
"Right away, sir!" Tetsunosuke grit his teeth and got back down to cleaning. The innkeeper was an ill-mannered and impatient man who lacked the stature of Hijikata Toushirou that earned fear and respect from many willing to serve under his leadership and not because they had to.
According to rumours, Hijikata had been dumped among the regular police force, the government unwilling to waste the talents of a man like him but also not wanting to grant him high status. He was working with an unpopular police detective of questionable habits, apparently known for indulging in nightly entertainment of the masochistic kind.
Kondou's execution was five days away.
After his shift was over, Tetsunosuke decided to go for a walk through the busy evening streets, hoping to run into his comrades. The time to act was now before they lost Kondou forever. If any one of them had a feasible plan, Tetsunosuke would go along with it, even if it jeopardized his new job. Better to have tried to rescue their chief than to live on in shame without having moved so much as a finger.
"Believe in that and fight, whatever that path may be."
Hijikata's words echoed in his memory. The path before Tetsunosuke was clear, although it would mean disobeying orders. In his ever-increasing experience as a soldier and samurai, official orders and the right thing to do often contradicted one another.
The streets were lit by fluorescent lights of many colours coupled with the sunset glow, an eerie orange that left him thinking about how they were another day closer to Kondou's execution. A newspaper and magazine stand boasted headlines of the conspiracy theories surrounding Shige Shige's death, Matsudaira Katakuriko's arrest and execution orders, the Shinsengumi's betrayal, and Nobu Nobu's rise to power. Families, couples, and friends roamed the district freely, their chatter filling the air along with music and shop employees proclaiming the best prices on products and meals. Delicious-smelling aromas wafting out from restaurants and vendor stands caused his stomach to rumble and he thought about how he'd rather share a plain meal of hard tack and mayonnaise with the Shinsengumi in the wilderness than to eat alone in a city full of people.
His directionless wandering led him to the river where fewer people walked along the banks and bridges, one of which a familiar figure stood upon, gazing down into the water.
Feeling a tad optimistic, Tetsunosuke broke into a jog, determined to catch Yamazaki before he walked off the bridge. "Senpai! Yamazaki-senpai!"
The spy lifted his head in surprise. "Tetsu-kun? What are you doing here?"
Tetsunosuke joined him at the railing and briefly peered into the flowing water. "I finished my shift, so I'm just out for a walk…maybe find a cheap meal and then…" After dinner, if he wasn't scheduled for an evening patrol, he would hang out with a few of the men, playing cards or talking about the day's events; laughing and joking around in the common room with a comedy show on the television they all shared and bickered over the scheduling of who got to watch what and when. Now, he didn't know what to do except return to his shabby closet of a room at the inn, ready to wait upon guests and minister to their needs during the night if necessary.
"You're working at that inn down on the eastern side of the river, right?"
Tetsunosuke nodded. "How did you know?"
Yamazaki leaned his arms on the railing again and sighed. "It's my job to know. Or rather, I can't seem to stop working even when I was dismissed. The guys used to joke about how spying and gossiping are one and the same." A sad smile lit his face. "Not exactly what I would call it, but it was always nice to be remembered in some way, even like that."
There were a number of inside jokes among the Shinsengumi, almost like a running gag in a comedy manga series, and Yamazaki being the most plain and unassuming person in their ranks was one such joke. And sometimes not a joke, for the spy could easily slip into a restaurant, a Joui rebel meeting, or any gathering of people and not a single soul would notice. That was the whole principle behind espionage, after all, even if it frustrated a man who would rather be acknowledged.
"Where do you work?" Tetsunosuke asked.
"Convenience store. A good place after a bar to gather information. People will talk about anything while buying their adult magazines or heating up meals in the microwave."
"Where are the others?" Hopefully they were all within the vicinity and prepared to assemble at any given moment.
"Nakashima is working as a host at Takamagahara. Goda joined a delivery service. Eguchi picks up trash cans. Captain Harada refuses to give up and has been hoping to stow away on the next ship for Kokujou Island. He's secured a job at the docks for that purpose. Captain Inoue is with him, trying to do the same." Yamazaki went on to state exactly where many of the Shinsengumi had gone, impressing Tetsunosuke with the amount of knowledge Yamazaki had managed to accumulate within a couple of a days.
"Captain Saitou is unemployed," Yamazaki continued, "I suspect he has no idea where to go, and probably no one will hire him if he can't speak to them head on. Captain Okita isn't employed, either, but I doubt he'd ever work for anyone but Chief."
Tetsunosuke couldn't imagine Okita working a regular job, either. He'd probably be fired within five minutes for his rudeness or after the first seemingly accidental death.
"And…I saw Vice-Chief last night."
Tetsunosuke's heart thumped in his chest. "You did?"
"Yeah…" Yamazaki blew air through his lips. "He's working with a detective agency – joint team of a man and a kid. He was walking with them down toward central Kabukichou. I followed them and I heard something about…chains and collars…"
"Were they going to a pet store?"
Yamazaki threw him an odd look. "Uh, no…I think the detective was talking about…well, you know…"
His mind drawing a blank, Tetsunosuke shook his head.
"You seriously don't know what I'm talking about?"
"No?"
"A bondage club!"
A couple of passersby gasped and murmured to one another, casting disapproving looks in their direction.
Tetsunosuke reddened right to his ears, flustered. "I-I understand n-now even though I'm still a cherry boy!"
"Don't say that so loudly!"
Lowering his voice, Tetsunosuke continued, "But…why would Vice-Chief agree to go there…unless he really needs to, um…work off stress?" The very idea of Hijikata entering such clubs was preposterous. As far as Tetsunosuke knew, Hijikata only frequented a handful of restaurants and a bar or two when he was out with Kondou, including Snack Smile, usually to quell the tempestuous Shimura Tae whenever Kondou relapsed and gave into old habits.
"He didn't go in. The kid started lecturing the old man and Vice-Chief just walked away. He didn't yell at him or anything. I followed after him from a distance. I wanted to talk to him, ask him some things, but then I lost my nerve." Yamazaki exhaled heavily. "Even though I never lost sight of him, he seemed to be gone already…like he was possessed again, but not by an otaku ghost. He was just…a ghost."
Tetsunosuke's heart ached.
"Maybe I should have and maybe he might have yelled at me."
"I'd much rather be yelled at by Vice-Chief than anybody else," Tetsunosuke admitted.
"You want to know something?" Yamazaki gave him a pained smile. "Me, too."
They stood in comfortable silence for a few long moments, watching the river flow and the people walk by.
"Tetsu-kun…do you want to save the Chief and Pops?"
Bewildered by such a strange question with an obvious answer, Tetsunosuke nodded wildly. "Yes, more than anything!"
"I have an idea, but…it may be considered treasonous," Yamazaki began slowly, but then gave a weak chuckle. "I suppose it hardly matters now that we're seen as traitors, anyway."
"I'm willing to do whatever it takes to rescue our leaders and reunite the Shinsengumi."
"Even risking your life? Because we will most definitely be doing that – probably before we even step foot on the island, ha, ha!"
"What do you mean?"
Yamazaki hesitated, drumming his fingertips on the wooden railing. "Uh, well…you see…I was thinking about contacting…Katsura Koutarou."
"What?"
"Ssh, keep your voice down!" Yamazaki glanced around, and when he was satisfied they couldn't be overheard, he continued, "I know it sounds crazy! The Shinsengumi teaming up with the Joui…" Yamazaki laughed again, although it was tinged with doubt. "But I've infiltrated his faction more than once. He may seem like an airhead, but he's an intelligent one and a famous war strategist. If we're going to go against the government for real now…he'll know best how to undermine them. With their help, we might even get to the island undetected."
Tetsunosuke nodded slowly. The more Yamazaki explained it, the less outrageous the idea sounded, and he was willing to do anything, even ally with their enemies, to revive Hijikata and save Kondou.
"I'll help you."
"Really? You do know what that means, don't you? If the rest of the Shinsengumi disagrees…there's a chance we could be punished by Shinsengumi law, like what happened to Itou Kamotarou. Are you prepared for that?"
As one familiar with the archives due to his endless organizing and dusting of them, Tetsunosuke knew the story of Itou, former advisor to the Shinsengumi, now branded a traitor in the historical documents thanks to his secretive liaisons with the Kiheitai. That's how the country would forever view it, anyway. Kondou had told him how their relationship with Itou had truly ended; how knowing he would die regardless, Itou had fought to protect Kondou and Hijikata and took his final breath with his honour intact.
As it was, there was no other path to take. They couldn't do this alone. Meeting with the Joui and asking for Katsura's help would be with the intention of the greater good. Surely the rest would understand that.
Tetsunosuke would take the risk. Kondou and Hijikata had spared and saved his life and it was time to pay them back. "Yes, I am. Are you?"
Yamazaki was quiet for a few moments and then heaved a sigh. "I am…I would rather die trying than to live with the Chief's blood on my hands in knowing I didn't even try at all." He paused, pressing his lips together in a grim line. "Besides, our options are limited. We need help."
"So how do we go about this?"
"Well, there are two problems: getting Katsura to listen and getting the rest of the Shinsengumi to agree to this plan."
"I used to be in contact with Joui patriots," Tetsunosuke said, ashamed to admit the truth aloud, "I informed Vice-Chief of the hideouts I knew of, though they are most likely deserted. But I did meet a few outside of the gang I used to run with. You can use me as a go-between, for all its worth."
Yamazaki nodded. "Great. Thank you for going along with this."
Tetsunosuke beamed. Finally, things were happening. "Let's go find Captain Okita and tell him! Then—"
Yamazaki cringed. "Uh, let's go find Captain Saitou and the others first before we go to Captain Okita…so that we don't die before getting the chance to carry out our plan."
Tetsunosuke thought of the possible repercussions of telling Okita they wanted to ally with the Joui – suffice to say, it was a major taboo according to Shinsengumi regulations, and Okita wasn't one to withhold punishment. There was safety in numbers and it wouldn't hurt to muster those numbers along with a good deal of courage before going to meet with the scariest Shinsengumi member. "You're right—"
They suddenly became aware at the same time that they were being watched, and they spun around to find themselves face to face with a large duck-like Amanto – the same one who always fought alongside Katsura.
Yamazaki was the first to speak. "You're—!"
Elizabeth held up a sign: It seems you and Katsura-san had the same idea.
"Same idea? Do you mean—?"
I was instructed to contact you in the interests of an alliance.
Tetsunosuke could barely believe the words on the sign. Before they had taken their first steps, Katsura had outrun them and made establishing contact with the Joui all the more easier.
"An alliance?"
Stop repeating everything I say.
"I'm not repeating—" Yamazaki stopped and then sighed. "Fine, go on. Where is Katsura?"
At a cabaret club known as Snack Smile.
"What the hell is he doing there?"
Katsura-san has gone to confront the Shogun there.
"And why is he there?"
Because your vice-chief is also at Snack Smile tonight.
Tetsunosuke frowned. As if the situation wasn't bizarre enough already, it had grown even more complicated with three major leaders gathering together in the last place they'd expect at this time – except perhaps Katsura.
Yamazaki crossed his arms. "How do you know all this?"
Two signs: We have our spies, but so does the Bakufu. They are keeping a close eye on Hijikata Toushirou in case he decides to rebel and go after your chief.
Yamazaki and Tetsunosuke glanced at each other wordlessly. The government was certainly right to fear an uprising, but now with their spies in the mix, regrouping and rescuing Kondou was going to be more difficult than ever, like confronting a patch of thorns on their path, knowing they'd get cut in the process but plowing ahead because there was no other way to go.
Besides, there was no better force of people to navigate a tricky bramble than the thorniest of them all, the Shinsengumi.
"Wait," Yamazaki said, brow wrinkling, "If the Bakufu knows Vice-Chief is there, then why is the Shogun wanting to see him?"
If I had to venture a guess: mockery.
"Mockery?"
I told you to stop repeating everything I say, bastard.
"Annnn, I'm just trying to find the logic in this situation!"
The Mimawarigumi are also on the move.
Tetsunosuke stiffened. "Isaburou…" What his older brother planning now? Why would they hold a continued interest in Hijikata if they had already captured Kondou? Hadn't they already received everything they wanted with the Shinsengumi subdued and disbanded? What more could they want—no, what more could Sasaki Isaburou want when his world was purged of all thorns in his side?
"That's not so surprising if they're accompanying the Shogun," Yamazaki said.
Think harder.
"You're really starting to piss me off…"
"She's right," Tetsunosuke spoke up, ignoring Yamazaki's protests. "If Hitotsubashi Nobu Nobu is anything like my brother, then he would see this as an opportunity to demoralize Vice-Chief even further. Isaburou always made a point to emphasize how useless I was. It's like a game to them..."
That and maybe they plan to eventually execute him, too. Who knows.
"Then we have to go warn him!" Tetsunosuke turned to leave, but stopped when Elizabeth whipped out another sign.
Fear not. It is all part of our leader's plan.
"And what exactly is this plan?" Yamazaki demanded.
To get arrested and sent to prison to be executed alongside your chief.
Yamazaki almost collapsed on the bridge, but caught himself at the last second. "Is he out of his damn mind? Has he finally lost all common sense? How is getting himself thrown into jail to be killed going to help us?"
Do you want to save your leader? Do you want to protect this country?
"What kind of a question is that? Of course, we do!"
Then, our goals are the same. Believe in Katsura-san. Believe in your chief.
Yamazaki stayed silent.
Let us fight together – not as Shinsengumi or Joui but as samurai for the sake of this country.
The three of them listened to the voices of a world they had nearly forgotten existed; a world that threatened to carry on as sure as the river flowed beneath them without stopping to mourn a soul that might depart forever if they didn't act now.
Tetsunosuke swallowed hard and turned to Yamazaki. "Well, between us two, you're next in command, senpai. What are your orders?"
Yamazaki took a deep breath. "That settles it, then. We're going to go save the Chief and we're taking the Vice-Chief with us, too. We're going to become the rebels they say we are for real." He looked at Elizabeth and gave a curt nod. "Give us some time to gather the Shinsengumi. Then we'll meet up with you and the rest of the Joui tonight."
Very well. I guess even somebody like you should be allowed to act cool at least once in his life.
"Just shut up!"
Tetsunosuke's heart soared, but his stomach churned uneasily. There was a chance many of them would die in the process, but more than that, he couldn't help sensing his world was about to transform itself again in ways he did not expect or hope for.
"Now, there's only one other person we have to convince first before approaching Vice-Chief," Yamazaki said with a grimace, "We can't go forward until the captain of the first unit leads us."
Gathering the men together had been easy enough because Yamazaki knew where most of them were, and through other members they were able to track down the remaining ones. It had taken the rest of the evening and half the night, moving within the shadows and passing news along in whispers. Miraculously, despite a few doubters, they had all agreed to the plan of uniting with the Joui to rescue their leaders because Katsura's plan was going as scheduled with one minor change.
There had been an incident at Snack Smile and Sakata Gintoki of the Yorozuya had punched the Shogun. The details were a bit fuzzy, but Katsura had indeed been arrested while the rest fled the shop. By now, he would be on his way to Kokujou Island to join Kondou and Matsudaira on death row.
True to his calling, Yamazaki had followed up on where Hijikata had gone to after that. He was hiding out at the Koudoukan Dojo for the time being, shelter generously offered by the Shimura siblings, who were also putting their lives at risk. But they were a part of the Yorozuya and the Yorozuya generally did things like that, sticking their necks out for friends and strangers alike and even their enemies.
What Hijikata would do now was anyone's guess, but they would leave him there until they found Okita first. He was the hardest person to find, last spotted in a park, but now elusive as daylight faded.
However, fate seemed to smile on them this night, for he had found his way to them in a shabby neighbourhood along with the red-haired Yato girl, Kagura, and her beast of a dog. Tetsunosuke had gone with Yamazaki and Saitou and a handful of other Shinsengumi to meet with Elizabeth and the Joui in this same neighbourhood.
Reuniting with Okita in such circumstances hadn't been ideal, and a brief altercation had resulted due to Okita's suspicions that they had all turned traitor. But it was now resolved and they reconvened at the old abandoned shrine on top of a hill to discuss the matter while Kagura reported this news back to Gintoki and hopefully Hijikata.
"Fourth article of the Shinsengumi Regulations," Okita stated calmly, seated in the middle of the floor, "'In the absence of the chief, the right to command is passed to the vice-chief and all officers are to obey him.' I won't move a finger until that bastard gives an order."
Here was the last obstacle and he was right. By law and rank, Okita would not act, even if he had ultimately agreed to the Shinsengumi allying with the Joui. "I made it this far. If I'm going to go save Kondou-san or abandon him, I'm going with that bastard."
"Do… Do you really think he'll come back?" Nakashima asked.
"He will!" Tetsunosuke spoke up, nodding vigorously. "I believe in Vice-Chief! He'll definitely return to us!"
Someone in the back quietly said, "But I didn't think he would leave in the first place…"
Tetsunosuke's shoulders drooped, as he heard other murmurs of agreement. Their doubts were understandable, but still painful to hear. They were likely the newer members, who understood a certain image of Hijikata – his demonic reputation – and were unable to accept the reality that he was just a human in the end, capable of a breaking point as much as anyone else.
Okita's cool piercing gaze swept the room. "Whoever said that should commit seppuku for doubting your vice-chief."
The ensuing silence was thick and suffocating. Okita could likely kill them all on the spot – except Saitou, perhaps – and they knew it. The first unit captain would lead and fight with them, but answered to no one except Kondou and sometimes Hijikata, and they were not here to keep him grounded and in control.
Okita sighed. "But since I'm going to take on an entire army and island prison, I'll need a little back-up, so Zaki can commit seppuku on everyone's behalf."
There was an added collective sigh of relief.
"E-Ehhhhh? Why only me?"
"No one notices when you're around, anyway, so there won't be any difference."
Yamazaki gaped at him. "B-But didn't I help orchestrate the meeting with the Joui? You were all there!"
Saitou held up his notebook: That was Elizabeth-san-Z.
"But I had the same idea! Plus I went and found them!"
Okita slowly climbed to his feet. "That's right, you did."
Yamazaki heaved a relieved sigh of his own.
Okita unsheathed his sword. "Since you admit to conspiring with the enemy, you can just go ahead and die."
"Annnn, what the hell?"
At that point, the tension dissolved and everyone laughed at Yamazaki's expense, and Tetsunosuke breathed easier.
"Captain Okita," Tetsunosuke said when the laughter died down, "I collected and laundered everyone's uniforms and placed them in storage at HQ. I suggest we put them on again and wait for Vice-Chief there." It was wrong to have even shed them in the first place, but they'd all floundered in uncertainty once Hijikata had parted ways with his own uniform.
Nevertheless, Tetsunosuke had taken it upon himself to care for the uniforms before the compound was formally closed. He hadn't been the only one, either, for Kumanaku had also stayed behind to give the place a final cleansing.
Saitou was the first to nod his silent approval, followed by murmurs of agreement among the men with a few smiles in place here and there. But the final decision rested with Okita, who had worn his uniform the entire time and was now staring at Tetsunosuke with an unreadable expression that rendered him uneasy.
"Did you also clean Hijikata's uniform?"
"Of course!"
"Give it to me. As captain of the first unit, I'll present the vice-chief his uniform."
Tetsunosuke grinned. "Yes, sir!"
Later, Tetsunosuke regretted the decision to pass along Hijikata's uniform to Okita ('never trust Sougo'), but supposed the threatening graffiti was a nice return to the normalcy he knew as familiar and warm and truly fulfilling.
As Tetsunosuke predicted, Hijikata had returned to the Shinsengumi compound. Welcoming Hijikata back to his rightful place as their leader who would commence the retrieval of Kondou had filled Tetsunosuke with pride, surrounded by saluting soldiers beneath the pouring rain, which had done little to dampen their spirits. They had saved Hijikata the trouble of finding them and demonstrated their renewed faith in his leadership at the same time.
Now, they were gathering weapons and supplies, and planning out the next course of action, which was to meet and officially ally themselves with Katsura's Joui faction in order to rescue each other's generals along with Matsudaira.
The breaking of late afternoon sunlight soon dispelled the rain, but they still needed to wait until nightfall to undertake the rescue mission. Meanwhile, they would share a scrounged up meal – possibly their last – to restore their energy, and then rendezvous with the Joui rebels and make for Kokujou Island.
Tetsunosuke was in the middle of polishing his sword when he looked up at the sound of approaching footsteps to see Hijikata standing before him, holding his uniform jacket.
"Oi, Tetsu."
Tetsunosuke jumped to his feet, sheathing his sword. "Yes, sir?" Hearing Hijikata's voice stirred memories of the way he had looked that night, utterly lost over the abrupt removal of Kondou from their lives. Tetsunosuke hoped he would never have to see Hijikata look like that again.
"Scrub this shit off." He tossed the jacket to Tetsunosuke, who caught it easily and turned to leave.
"And another thing."
Halting his tracks, Tetsunosuke spun around and waited.
Hijikata took out his cigarette and stamped it into the ground, and then looked at him with eyes that blazed anew. "Get me some Mayoboros. I'm all out."
Tetsunosuke smiled. "Right away, Vice-Chief!"
Everything happened so fast.
One minute they were on a battleship under cover of darkness, rounding about the island to landfall at the back where the sea lapped at the shoreline of daunting cliffs. The next minute, they were violently engaged with Mimawarigumi and Bakufu forces on shore, against the cliffs, and deep within the forest.
As an old comrade and friend of Katsura's, Gintoki had executed a war tactic of burning ships to distract their enemies and notify Katsura of their intentions. That plan's success encouraged them, as they scaled the cliff walls to break into the prison with an ambush. But that had been anticipated. Tetsunosuke wasn't surprised to see Nobume leading Mimawarigumi troops, but there was another who watched from a higher vantage point – a sort of priestly man with a jagged scar on his face and one open eye.
Gintoki's aura had changed completely upon seeing him, stating, with darkened eyes, that he would be the one to confront the strange leader.
Okita moved to face off with Nobume.
Hijikata was going on ahead to find and save Kondou and Matsudaira. Perhaps he would encounter Isaburou out there, somewhere in the madness of Kokujou Island.
The Joui soldiers broke up into their own units to back up the Shinsengumi while Elizabeth took a vanguard to join Hijikata in search of Katsura. Tetsunosuke stayed behind, sparing Hijikata's vanishing form one last glance before drawing his sword and diving into battle.
With all of Hijikata's training from the past year drilled into him, Tetsunosuke cried out and met the first blade that charged him. Despite the clamour of gunfire and dying screams, he could still hear Hijikata's stern instruction guiding him through every movement. He even stopped a sword from slashing his neck, recalling the way Hijikata had broken his weak defense back in what seemed like so long ago.
"My job to ensure you are ready for battle at a moment's notice and that you survive to the end of it."
With a grunt, Tetsunosuke halted an attack that strained his muscles, his opponent larger in size and probably strength.
But size didn't matter to Hijikata, who had taught him how to use a person's weight against them, no matter how heavy or light. Pivoting on his foot and swiftly twisting his body around, Tetsunosuke broke free of their clash and slashed the man's back as he went down, caught off guard by their sudden change in positions.
The rest of the battle passed in a blur.
Yamazaki was injured, but aided by Shimura Shinpachi of the Yorozuya, the two of them watching each other's backs and taking down enemies after the other. Just remembering the bespectacled boy's name reminded Tetsunosuke that Tae had also journeyed with them. She had remained with the rear forces. He prayed she was safe.
Kagura, the only other female comrade on their side, was locked in combat with an enemy that seemed to have caused Okita and Nobume to abandon their own duel and join together to attack the interloper. The new enemy was dressed similarly to the monk-like man Tetsunosuke had seen earlier, but his presence inspired greater fear with just one glimpse of him.
Saving their leaders and surviving at the same time was starting to sound impossible, but he forced himself to cling to optimism. Their leaders and their close acquaintances were some of the strongest people Tetsunosuke had ever seen. There was no way they could lose so easily.
But Isaburou was strong, too.
Tetsunosuke's thoughts were drawn continuously to his older brother, wondering what would happen if they were to meet here, face to face. He had spent many long nights ruminating over his estranged relationship with Isaburou. There was still so much pain that no amount of soul meditation and sword training could erase. He had once blamed and hated Isaburou for everything that had gone wrong, for all his failures and low points in life.
Now, after joining the Shinsengumi and finding a similar older brother bond in Hijikata and even Kondou, Tetsunosuke realized that his hated for Isaburou had dwindled. He wanted to mend their broken bond somehow and make things amicable between them at the very least. More than once, he had entertained the idea of going to see Isaburou in person, just to have a talk, one that fared better than their chance meeting in Edo weeks ago. But each time he prepared to leave on his days off, he hesitated, thinking he ought to wait until he was stronger, so as to impress Isaburou and finally earn his praise. And so, Tetsunosuke never went.
If only he had.
The battle spilled into the forest, their comrades and allies scattered between the trees and brush. Explosions rang out, lighting the sky with an eerie orange glow. Word spread of Hijikata succeeding in rescuing Kondou, but neither could be found, as the Shinsengumi and Joui gradually regrouped and retreated. In a shocking turn of events, the Mimawarigumi had joined them, as ordered by Nobume, to fight against a new enemy uprising: the Naraku.
There was still no sign of Isaburou.
Tetsunosuke ran behind Yamazaki and Shinpachi. Ahead of them, Okita and Kagura helped Nobume run, the three of them seriously injured as far as he could tell. Gintoki led the way, also wounded. They had all barely survived the attack from the Naraku leader and were still fighting back hordes of enemy forces in their attempt to escape the island.
They came upon a clearing at about the same time Hijikata, Katsura, and Elizabeth emerged from a different direction, surprise crossing their faces. But there was no time to exchange words.
Isaburou was cornered beneath a tree, surrounded by Naraku.
Tetsunosuke's heart leaped into his throat, jaw dropping when Isaburou collapsed forward with a spray of blood, revealing Kondou, slouched against the base, chin lifted with a shakujou, like he was a piece of trash the Naraku didn't want to stain their hands with.
They were too late.
Paralyzed by the sight, Tetsunosuke barely registered the other men dropping to their knees or gasping Kondou's title as the shock traveled from the front of their forces to the back. The pounding of his heart soon drowned out sounds of stricken sobs and curses, as his eyes tore themselves from Kondou's immobile form to Isaburou stretched out on the ground, blood pooling around him.
"The flag you people have been hoisting is no more," a low voice rumbled like thunder, belonging to a pale grey-haired man – the same man Tetsunosuke had seen earlier on the cliff, the man Gintoki seemed to know. Tall and imposing, the unholy monk walked ahead of his comrades, drawing all eyes to his dark void of a gaze. "And your reason to fight is gone as well. It is over."
None of the Shinsengumi moved, their faith shaken, and even the wounded but resilient Okita seemed rooted to the ground. Bringing their commander home alive was now a lost cause.
Hijikata's mouth worked silently, trapped in a stupor, as the Naraku charged forward, but he didn't notice them, seemed entirely locked on Kondou's lifeless form.
Tetsunosuke wanted to go to him, to at least defend their last remaining leader and a man he now viewed as an older brother, but his legs buckled and he toppled over, knees slamming into the ground. Tears stung his eyes, as Tetsunosuke watched as a squad of Naraku warriors zeroed in on Hijikata, who remained frozen in place, as though ready to leave them all and follow Kondou forever in spirit.
Helpless and horrified, Tetsunosuke watched as Hijikata still failed to move while the Naraku warriors raced toward him, a cacophony of chilling rings heralding their approach.
Don't go…please move! Vice-Chief!
"It's not over yet!"
Tetsunosuke gasped.
"You don't get to decide when it's over!"
Like a bolt of lightning, Gintoki's voice surged through the Shinsengumi, sparking them to life. "Face forward! Grab your swords!"
The men broke free of their trance. Those who had fallen to their knees in despair staggered to their feet. Swords were gripped anew, steady and resolute.
Gintoki looked back at them, fire in his eyes. "Fight, Shinsengumi!"
War cries erupted, and the protectors of Edo charged ahead and clashed with enemy forces.
Tetsunosuke blinked his tears away and joined the battle, relieved to see Hijikata transform into an unstoppable demon, cutting down all enemies in his path.
In the pandemonium, Tetsunosuke spotted a moving form along the ground: Isaburou, crawling toward a blinking cell phone.
Voice caught in his throat, Tetsunosuke moved toward his brother when he froze.
The grey-haired Naraku warrior reached Isaburou first and slammed a foot on Isaburou's arm, as though flattening an unsightly worm. The monk's words were lost in the uproar, but Tetsunosuke didn't need to hear them to know that he had to get there fast. Neither Sasaki brother could be allowed to die at the hands of this frightening man before they amended the rift between them.
The monk raised his sword.
Tetsunosuke opened his mouth to shout just as Nobume screamed Isaburou's name for them both.
Before the strike landed, Hijikata dove in from nowhere and caught the blade, fending off the monk's attack. Hijikata, who disliked and owed Isaburou nothing but animosity for dragging the Shinsengumi into this situation, had saved his life.
Tetsunosuke resumed his race to Isaburou, falling in behind an injured but faster Nobume. All he could see, as he dodged and parried attacks, was her long, dark hair whipping in the air like a banner, leading him to his brother.
What would he say when he reached Isaburou? What could he say?
"Chief!" crieda handful of Shinsengumi.
Tetsunosuke spared a glance to his side, astonished by the sight of Hijikata and a very much alive Kondou – evidently the result of a clever ruse – unleashing a joint attack on the monk leader. Their synchronicity was a sight to behold, united by indestructible bonds of loyalty.
Tetsunosuke wondered if he and Isaburou could ever be like that.
Whirring airships from above announced the arrival of reinforcements.
Emboldened by a rousing speech from Kondou and ensuing cheers, Tetsunosuke's hope for survival of all pieced itself back together, watching as Nobume dragged Isaburou to his feet and began to run with him. Her own loyalty to Isaburou rivaled Hijikata's to Kondou. It had always been her at Isaburou's side for as long as Tetsunosuke could remember. She was everything he was not: skilled, experienced, and powerful.
Elite.
Hijikata and Kondou were running now, side by side with Nobume and Isaburou.
Tetsunosuke felt as though he would never catch up to them, even if he ran for miles and trained for years.
A bomb descended with a shrill whistle. The ground burst apart with smoke and debris enveloping all in its path.
Tetsunosuke stumbled but picked himself up within seconds, sheer survival instincts pushing him forward. Their allied ship was not far off now. He had to keep running.
Isaburou and Nobume had fallen and were saved by the Yorozuya, who continued to fight wherever their swords and fists and umbrella reached, protecting those within their sight.
Seeing an opportunity, Tetsunosuke dashed to Isaburou, whose one eye unimpeded by blood widened when he saw his brother. All kinds of words and stories about his experiences with the Shinsengumi flew to the tip of his tongue, but Tetsunosuke held them back. Now was not the time for conversation. They would be able to talk once they were safely aboard the ship.
Taking Isaburou's arm behind and across his shoulders, Tetsunosuke could feel the burden of decades lift off, replaced by an optimistic weight. Together, the three raced toward the airship, toward another new future and Tetsunosuke couldn't help envisioning one where he could stand at Isaburou's side before their family, presenting himself as a member of the famed Shinsengumi. Isaburou would look at him again and truly see Sasaki Tetsunosuke and maybe – just maybe – accept him at long last.
They reached the battleship. Hijikata was there, waiting at the top of the landing platform, outlined by welcoming light from within. He yelled for them to hurry, extending an arm with an outstretched hand.
Grunting, Tetsunosuke used every ounce of remaining strength he had left to haul Isaburou up to the ramp, past two dead Naraku warriors. The three of them collapsed to the force of gravity when the airship began to rise. Breathing hard, Tetsunosuke grit his teeth and helped Nobume lift a weakening Isaburou to his feet. The wind roared all around and the smoldering island rapidly shrunk in size beneath them.
Tetsunosuke locked eyes with Hijikata, wanting tell his teacher and vice-chief that he had succeeded in crossing a chasm by helping to save his estranged brother.
Hijikata's eyes moved beyond him and widened.
Tetsunosuke was shoved violently from behind and sent sprawling face down on the ramp. Momentarily stunned, Tetsunosuke rolled over and saw that the two Naraku warriors were not dead as he had hoped and that what was happening was just as he feared.
Isaburou, both arms still held out, as though awaiting their embrace, silhouetted by a shower of blood. In the same breath, he spun around and slashed the Naraku with their weapons. Then, he vanished in an explosion that tore the platform in half, destroying the end that he'd been standing on.
Tetsunosuke grabbed Nobume and stopped her from throwing herself over after Isaburou, her bloodcurdling screams filling his ears, as he watched Isaburou plummet to his death, arms still reaching for them.
Kokujou Island was nothing but a lingering nightmare, as the allied ships flew a straight course for Edo. With a chance to breathe and regroup, the Shinsengumi, Mimawarigumi, and Joui set about readying themselves for the destination by treating injuries and allowing themselves to grieve for fallen comrades.
There was a high chance of Nobume acting out irrationally, so Tetsunosuke stayed with her for the time being along with a couple of Mimawarigumi captains, evidently prepared to follow her chain of command as the highest ranked officer now.
He tended to her wounds and she let him, both sharing a mutually understanding silence. Nothing needed to be said about what they knew and had experienced together, though she suffered from greater pain and loss than he could ever feel.
Kagura soon joined them. She knelt down in front of Nobume and spoke quietly to her.
Needing a moment for himself, Tetsunosuke left them and walked down the makeshift aisles of wounded soldiers. His own minor injuries were incomparable to theirs: broken limbs, bruises and welts, and all manner of bloody wounds, especially on those who had fought and survived the Naraku.
He saw Tae helping one of the soldiers drink from a flask, one of his hands broken and the other missing a finger. When he finished, Tae used a cloth to wipe around his mouth and moved to the next soldier, asking if he required help with anything. When he shook his head, Tae stood up and continued walking toward Tetsunosuke.
"Otae-san." He had grown accustomed to calling her by that name, much like the rest of the Shinsengumi. "Are you injured?"
Tae gave him a weary smile, her eyes red-rimmed with dirt smudges on her cheeks. "I'm fine, Sasaki-san, thank you for asking. How about yourself?"
Tetsunosuke ached all over and suffered his share of cuts and bruises, but they hardly bothered him in the wake of losing Isaburou and many friends. "I'm fine as well. I'm relieved to see you're alive."
"Likewise. You should go and rest now. You'll need your strength when we land, I'm sure."
"Yes…you should rest, too."
"I will after I visit Kondou-san."
He glanced around their vicinity and wondered how long she'd been moving about, lending a helping hand without thinking of her own needs.
"Are you looking for Hijikata-san?"
"Eh? Ah, well—yes! Sort of. I want to see if he's alright…and find out what the next step is." In actuality, he didn't know what to do or where to go. Once they were securely aboard, Hijikata seldom left Kondou's side and Tetsunosuke didn't want to bother them.
"He's fortunate to have an assistant as devoted as you."
Tetsunosuke blushed in spite of himself, though he was pleased by the compliment. "I'm not all that, I—of course, I'm loyal to Vice-Chief! But I mean, I...I try my best to be an asset to Hijikata-san and not a nuisance. I owe him my life. In fact, I owe Chief and the entire Shinsengumi my life and my gratitude for what they've done for me, who they've become to me..." He forced a little smile. "Even if I'm not the ideal samurai." He could almost hear Hijikata reprimanding him for voicing self-defeatist thoughts. Old habits were hard to break, especially before those he consider worthy above himself.
Tae frowned slightly. "Nonsense. You are every bit as brave as everyone fighting back there. You are a samurai that the Shinsengumi must be proud to have in their midst."
"Thank you…Otae-san. You are too kind."
She smiled again and he returned it in full.
After a few moments, she sighed and said, "Take care of Hijikata-san." She stepped past him unhurriedly, adding, "He spends so much time looking after Kondou-san and the rest of the Shinsengumi that I'm certain he forgets to care for himself. He's just that kind of man…but it's not a bad thing."
Tetsunosuke pondered over her words, watching her leave. While she looked barely able to continue standing on her own, she didn't neglect to check on those who appeared to be having trouble with simple tasks. With her smile and comforting words and compassionate hands, Shimura Tae's presence soothed their pain and eased the burden of grief for the Shinsengumi.
"Tetsu."
Tetsunosuke almost jumped at the sound of Hijikata's voice and turned to see him coming down the aisle, his usual cigarette absent from his mouth. "Vice-Chief…" They had exchanged simple commands and affirmations, but otherwise hadn't really talked since the night of Hijikata's departure.
"What's the current status?"
"Nothing has changed—oh, but Katsura-san did say he wanted to speak with you and Chief before landing." The Joui leader had flagged him down with a message, knowing him as Hijikata's assistant, probably from rebel intelligence gathered over months of observation.
Hijikata nodded. "I had the same idea."
"We'll be landing in fifteen minutes."
"Fine."
"Vice-Chief?"
"What is it?"
"My brother is dead."
Hijikata's knowing gaze bore into him, but said nothing.
Lowering his eyes to the floor, Tetsunosuke continued, "He died saving me and Imai-san." Somehow saying it out loud to somebody who had witnessed it made Isaburou's death all the more real. Since escaping the island, Tetsunosuke had replayed the scene over and over in his mind, recalling Isaburou's hand on his back for a second – the firm guiding hand of an older brother all too late – and then gone the next, pushing him forward to safety, to life, to the future. "He saved me, the brother he was ashamed of. I survived because of him. I never imagined he'd do something like that…"
Hijikata remained silent.
"I was going to write him a letter…it's too late now."
Hijikata stood by him for a moment longer, and then walked past him and quietly said, "You still can."
The words echoing in his years, Tetsunosuke listened to Hijikata's receding footsteps and thought about how the man understood more than anyone else about the loss of conversation between two brothers and how to rectify that.
He stood there alone for a minute, staring at the floor, listening and feeling the low, steady thrum of the airship. This vessel was carrying them farther away from the island where Isaburou breathed his last and closer to a future Tetsunosuke now faced without the added burden of family pressure. He ought to feel relieved; he ought to feel nothing for Isaburou's death, but where he expected indifference was the kind of emptiness over losing something he never really had but could have.
It was hard to believe that Isaburou was really gone.
Sighing, Tetsunosuke turned and followed after Hijikata. If nothing else, following orders and running errands would allow his mind a reprieve from haunting memories.
He waited until Tae was finished speaking with Kondou, the two of them sharing tired smiles, and then she left, no doubt bound for the Yorozuya. Hijikata also left Kondou's side again, mentioning Katsura's name, and Kondou nodded. That left only Okita at Kondou's left side and a few other men scattered nearby, keeping a watchful eye on their commanding officer, guarding him like loyal hounds.
Kondou sat upright against the metallic wall, both legs stretched out and arms resting at his sides. Clad only in trousers, he sported bandages in several places, most prominently over half of his face and across his upper torso. Despite being battered and bruised and exhausted, Kondou still managed to give Tetsunosuke a warm smile and beckoned him over to sit by him.
Tetsunosuke saluted and then accepted the offer, settling down on the floor into a cross-legged position, facing Kondou.
"How are you doing, Tetsu? Are you injured? What am I saying – everyone is injured," Kondou remarked with a sigh, glancing around the loading bay. "And it's all my fault."
Tetsunosuke shook his head fiercely with a frown. "Not at all, Chief! All of us would gladly risk our lives to rescue you…" He trailed off, unsure of how to continue. People had risked and lost their lives in the process for their leader. To speak of them now, to say their sacrifices weren't in vain, somehow seemed wrong at this time, and perhaps Kondou didn't want that kind of reassurance.
"Saying you'd risk your life is a sure sign of unwavering loyalty – a trait valued in an army and in a friend," Kondou began, "What more can a leader ask for? What more can one ask from a friend whom they trust with their life in return? Not much else…" His chest heaved with another sigh, and he lifted his gaze upward, head thudding back against the wall. "But, at the end of it all, when you're left standing with fewer comrades than you started with…sometimes standing alone…you question whether it was worth it or not when those lives are gone forever."
Tetsunosuke grimaced.
"Don't get me wrong," Kondou continued, glancing at him, "I'm eternally grateful that you have all come this far for me…and I will never forget those who died for my sake and protecting each other. They are men of valor and we will honour their sacrifices by continuing our mission to protect Edo and this country – as Shinsengumi and as people just wanting to protect their loved ones and their home. And that includes the Mimawarigumi and Joui, too. We may have our differences, but our end goal is the same: a better future."
Tetsunosuke squirmed uncomfortably. The Shinsengumi, Mimawarigumi, Joui, and even the Yorozuya were all pieces on the shogi board, masterfully manipulated by Isaburou to his own purpose. The shame was going to eat him alive if he didn't address it. "Chief," Tetsunosuke mumbled, "I—"
"I'm sorry for your loss, Tetsu."
Chagrined by the condolence, Tetsunosuke blurted out, "It's alright! I mean…I didn't really know him in the end, and—and he's hurt so many people and he's responsible for this whole situation and for having you arrested—I feel responsible on his behalf as a Sasaki, even though we're just half-brothers – or were – and I was never fully accepted as a Sasaki but I still use the name—"
"Tetsu."
Wincing, aware of his rambling, Tetsunosuke looked up with a guilty expression. "Y-Yes, Chief?"
Kondou stared into his eyes and spoke firmly, "Your older brother's burden is not yours to bear."
Tetsunosuke stayed quiet, listening.
"It was never yours. Understand this: Sasaki did everything by himself, it was his choice alone. You, Tetsu, are your own person. You are a member of the Shinsengumi and you fought to protect your comrades on that island. None of what he did will reflect on you and anyone who thinks so deserves a punch in the kisser to stop his flapping lips from lying."
All of this Tetsunosuke knew to be true somewhere deep inside, but what had risen to the surface was residual feelings over their estrangement. Processing Isaburou's death, not knowing exactly what or how to feel – it must be jumbling his thoughts, and, once again, he felt weak and foolish for giving into self-disparaging sentiments. But it was liberating to hear Kondou's words.
"I apologize, Chief…Vice-Chief once told me not to think like this and threatened to punish me if I did so again in front of him."
Kondou chuckled heartily. "Sounds like Toushi alright. But, you know, he speaks from experience. He used to do the same thing many years ago until I told him to smarten up. It's a waste to diminish your own self-worth. Not only that, apologizing over and over for things you cannot control, for mistakes other people make, isn't the best way to live."
The image of a younger Hijikata being lectured by Kondou was amusing, but also comforting in knowing that Hijikata had gone through similar experiences. "I understand, Chief." Tetsunosuke pursed his lips for a moment, thinking. Then, he added, "I guess I'm confused about myself. Isaburou and I were never close and yet…here I am, wishing he…" Tetsunosuke paused, running his tongue along the back of his teeth, searching for the right words to convey what might sound ridiculous, given his past, but confessing to Kondou might just be the thing he needed most now. "I wish he had lived long enough to see me become a strong samurai, so that I could talk to him as an equal. By then, he would have had to acknowledge me, acknowledge that I've become strong. Instead he's gone, and I thought I wouldn't care, but I feel sad because…because…" Why were the words so hard to get out?
"You're sad for what could have been," Kondou supplied.
"Yes…Yes! Yes, that's…that's all I can think about now," Tetsunosuke said, "I'm still angry toward him for the way he treated me, for letting things between us be as they were…but I deeply regret that we couldn't make things right before the end."
"But you did. You helped him and he saved your life. I think that was enough for a man like him." Kondou closed his eyes with a tranquil smile. "Because, you see, sometimes brothers don't need words."
Like blank letters.
Tetsunosuke swallowed hard and nodded.
They sat in comfortable silence for awhile, watching the others talk among themselves and recuperate. Members came and went, updating Okita and Kondou on the squads' losses. Hijikata soon returned and quietly relayed whatever information he had received from Katsura.
From the corner of his eyes, Tetsunosuke spotted a familiar dark-haired woman stand up and make for one of the exits. She was alone.
Excusing himself from their company, Tetsunosuke left the trio and hurried after Nobume. There was no telling what she could do in her anguished state. Whatever Isaburou thought of her besides the truth in granting her an important position at his side, Tetsunosuke was certain Isaburou wouldn't want Nobume to throw her life away after he had saved it.
Tetsunosuke followed her onto the windy top deck where they could clearly see the beginnings of sunrise with light spreading across the horizon.
Nobume walked toward the bow, but didn't stand near the edge. She held a cell phone in her free hand, and stood there, staring out into the ocean where the outline of land was growing clearer.
They were alone for now, which gave him the opportunity to say what he had wanted to say to her back below deck. He didn't know if she would listen or if she would react to him in any way at all, but it didn't matter. Breaking the silence, he began, "I had no idea that my brother had someone who would shed tears for him. I was related to him by blood, but I never understand Sasaki Isaburou at all. It seems I didn't know him well enough to cry for him."
Nobume didn't acknowledge his presence, but neither did she move to leave or tell him to shut up.
"I found people I could call brothers where my brother dumped me. I met comrades I could call family despite having no blood relation to them. And yet, I don't know why… But the first person I wanted to show them off to was him, after all." In spite of the time spent rebuilding himself, he still sought his brother's approval, but now he viewed it as a desire to unite the people he admired in different ways.
Nobume looked down, perhaps at her phone. Isaburou had always favoured cellphone communication.
His ears perked at a growing procession of familiar-sounding boots gathering behind him, and he didn't have to look back to know who had joined them. "If possible, I wanted to see all of my brothers having a heart-to-heart," he finished, thinking especially of Hijikata and Isaburou, the two most influential men in his life. They could have shared a drink together one day with Hijikata losing his cool over Isaburou's snide remarks and Tetsunosuke proudly serving them their wine.
Nobume suddenly tossed her phone into the air, and he watched it sail over the bow, turning over and over until it disappeared below.
Kondou's booming voice proclaimed, "Pay your respects to the commissioner-general!"
The collective rustling of uniforms and heels clacking together in formation filled his ears, and Tetsunosuke followed suit, bringing his hand up in a sharp salute.
Nobume did the same.
Facing the rising sun, they bid a final farewell to Sasaki Isaburou: samurai, leader, father, and brother.
Goodbye, Isaburou.