I lay trying to fall asleep. Trying to get what I had just done out of my head.

I'd woken up, hearing noise outside my hut. The sun had just barely gone down, it couldn't have been far past 9 o' clock. When I stood up outside, I had stifled a scream. Pan was standing just outside the entrance to my little home. Suddenly, his hands were around my wrists, and my face was looking up at his. "You said I've been a little too mean. How about you give me a chance to be a little nicer? I jumped, startled. One of his hands had released mine and it had found it's way underneath my sweatshirt, snaking it's way up my waist. I tried to talk my way out of it, but he talked me back in without me even realizing. "Should this really happen right now?" I asked, trying to sound cool and collected even though my voice was shaking. "When else should it happen, love?"

He'd called me 'love.'

At that moment, I released my inhibitions and decided, simply, why not? My free hand grabbed the back of his shirt and I slammed my lips into into his. Pan seemed surprised at first, but I felt him smile through the kiss. At some point he picked me up, my legs were around his waist and my hands were in his hair. I don't remember ever passing an entryway into his hut, but it was much nicer than all the others. Real effort and good resources had been involved. But then my back hit a mattress and I breathed out in a burst. I looked up and saw him kneeling over me.

I don't remember much after that either. I don't remember clothes coming off, or the hickeys on my neck forming. But I remember that he forgot nothing. No part of me was left untouched, unattended to. I remember the hands around my waist, and lips on mine. The hands moving up, then down. I remember that I couldn't breathe. And every breath I did manage to take was used to tell him how good it was.

I was trying to fall asleep, but the events kept replaying in my mind.

But the truth was, it had happened. And I had loved it.

"How are you, love?" he'd asked but I couldn't answer. God knows what I would have said if I could. Instead I grabbed a bare shoulder in place of a shirt that wasn't there, and pushed his lips onto mine again. I couldn't answer, but I think the noise that did come put of my mouth conveyed enough.

He didn't seem to tire, and what happened, well, happened again. Then again. I lost count, because I swear my brain wasn't functioning. Now, I laughed at how I had jumped when his hand went to my waist. Now, I made him move the hand somewhere much better. And then he decided we were done. I wasn't sure that I wanted to be done. When he whispered, "goodnight, love" there was nothing I could do about it. So I lay there, replaying what had happened so many times. He'd held onto me like I was all there was in the world.

After that, things were different. I rarely spent the night in my hut anymore. Nights were spent a much better way. The boys must have started to figure it out, from the way his attitude towards me changed. Things were better. Yet, there was a set of rules in place. I didn't go beyond the gates without permission and a companion. I never said no. What he wanted, it happened, whether it happened in the hut or it happened when I was outside cooking. Everything was always a yes. I really didn't mind. Nearly all the time what he wanted was good for me, except one time in the hut. Afterwards it'd hurt to walk for a while. The most important rule, it seemed, was never go in the hut when he was in there alone, or in there with one of the boys. It made me uncomfortable, the way he delivered that rule. "Don't do it. Unless you want bad things to happen."

That couldn't be true though. He loved me. I could do whatever I wanted in this camp, I was the queen to his king. It was especially fun ordering Harrison around. Pan had made it clear to the Lost Boys that if they did anything to displease me, he was going to have an issue with them.

"Harrison?" I liked to ask. "Yes?" he said, a painfully forced smile on his face. "Could you get me some mango?" Once he brought the mango, "Actually, you know what, I feel like pineapple. You can take care of that, right, Harrison?" and when my pineapple was delivered, "You know, really, I think I was in the mood for mango the whole time!"

If I ever lost my ranking to Pan, this boy would destroy me. But that wasn't going to happen. I did the small chores he asked, I cooked the food he knew the boys couldn't make, I let him do whatever he wanted to me at night.

So the days past, I sat, absentmindedly eating some mango I'd made Harrison slice. The sun was blocked, and I looked up and saw him smiling at me. I put down my mango and put my arms up. I let him take me by the hands and swung me around, setting me on the ground. He looked at me with what I assumed was pure affection. Pan put a stray piece of hair behind my ear, and tilted my face up so he could kiss my forehead without bending down. "How are you, love?" He knew I loved it when he called me that. "About as good as I think it gets," I said, standing on my toes so I could put my arms around his neck. "You've been so good, love. Jessica." He did the thing when he said my name. It made me want to melt in his arms. "I think you've been so good, tonight, I think, will be all about you." Pan always said the things I wanted to hear. I stood higher up on my toes and whispered in his ear, "I'm already looking forward to it,"

This was where it got odd. Not odd in a bad way, odd in the way that I knew meant he loved me.

"Why wait, love?" I looked up at him, pretending to be confused and also actually turned on. His left hand moved to the very top of my thigh, the very bottom of my ass. Pan's right hand sat with his fingers on my rib cage and his palm on my breast. He twirled me around and I ended up a yard or so away from him, standing in the direction that led to the hut. Pan winked at me, and then stuck his tongue out at me, turned and ran. I laughed and ran after him. We burst through the doorway, tangled and laughing like idiots.

A voice came from behind us.

"Ahem."