Notes: Written for the Klaine Valentine's Challenge prompt 'Remedy'.
"Hey, Blaine! Cutting it a bit close, aren't we?" Monica, June Dolloway's hair dresser, chuckles as she passes Blaine in the foyer.
"Just a hair," Blaine responds with a forced laugh and a tight smile as he hangs up his phone, counts to five, and dials again.
"Yo, Blaine! A polo and jeans, huh? You do know Ms. Dolloway demands formal wear at all events?" June's makeup artist teases this time. "Or did you sweet-talk your way out of that one?"
"Nope! I'm working on it! … Pick up pick up pick up pick up …" Blaine mutters into his phone, fielding the remarks of people passing by as he waits for Kurt to answer. This is the third time he's called. The first two times, the phone went to voicemail.
Blaine knows that Kurt's home.
Which means he's not answering his phone on purpose.
"Kurt!" Blaine hisses when the recorded voice of his fiancé greets him, calmly shuffling his concerns to voicemail.
"Blaine!" June's personal assistant Lydia snaps when she catches a glimpse of him, huddled in an alcove, re-dialing Kurt's number. "You only have ten minutes to get ready! Whatever you're doing, you don't have time for it! You know how Ms. Dolloway feels about being kept waiting!"
"I know, I know!" Blaine apologizes, chanting for Kurt in his head as his phone begins to ring. "And I'm sorry, but …"
"Hello, Blaine."
"Kurt!" Blaine yelps, cutting his conversation with Lydia short. Lydia glares disapprovingly with a pointed look at the phone against Blaine's ear before she turns on her heel and walks sharply away. "Thank God you're there!"
"Of course I'm here. I'm always here, Blaine."
"O-kay, then why weren't you answering your …?"
"What can I do for you? I'm kind of busy."
Blaine frowns at the clipped tone in his fiancé's voice. "I need my tuxedo."
"So?"
"I can't leave, so I'll need you to bring it to me."
"No."
"Kurt …"
"Blaine …"
"I need it, Kurt!"
"I have needs, too, Blaine!"
"I-I'm running late as it is!" Blaine stutters with the insinuation of just what Kurt's needs are. "I don't want to disappoint June."
"Of course not. We wouldn't want to do that," Kurt agrees sarcastically.
"June bought me that tuxedo. I'm supposed to wear it to every function we go to."
"Oh," Kurt says as if surprised by this information. "In that case … no."
"Why are you acting this way? I thought you didn't have a problem with me being June's protégé anymore."
"I don't. But she gets to see you more than I do lately."
"She's promoting me, Kurt."
"She's using you! She wants a handsome young man on her arm when she goes out and about, and you more than fit the bill. You're boosting her ego."
"Kurt" - Blaine turns further into the wall, lowering his voice when he finds himself yelling - "this is just business."
"Is that so?"
"That's so."
"So you really need to be there while she cuts the ribbon to the new music room at P.S. 229?"
"They're naming it after her!"
"It's a publicity stunt! I mean, she didn't go to that school, she didn't donate any money to them - there's positively no reason why they should be naming that room after her in the first place!"
"Kurt, I …"
"Who even names a music room?" Kurt continues. "An auditorium I can understand. But a music room?"
"I'll only be an hour. Two tops."
"It's Valentine's Day, you know," Kurt reminds him sadly.
"But we don't celebrate Valentine's Day because you hate Valentine's Day."
"I reserve the right to change my mind."
"Are you saying that you like Valentine's Day now?"
"No. But that doesn't mean I don't want to spend it with you."
"I wish you'd told me that earlier." Blaine sighs. He's not winning this argument, but, to be honest, he doesn't feel like he should.
"I didn't think it needed to be said. We always spend Valentine's Day together. We make a special dinner, buy each other roses, watch old movies, eat dessert in bed … and I suspect your little friend knew we'd be doing something along those lines, otherwise why would she move that stupid ribbon cutting to tonight?"
Blaine doesn't want to admit that he'd considered that, too. The school board was supposed to hold this ceremony tomorrow night, but June claimed something came up. But instead of moving it down a day, she had them move it up with no explanation as to why. June never explains any of her decisions. She simply snaps her fingers and expects everyone around her to jump.
And they do.
Blaine included … for the most part.
June has been needling Blaine to break up with Kurt since day one, claiming his fiancé is holding him back. But Blaine won't budge. He puts up with her constant attempts to keep them apart, with Kurt's begrudging blessing, because her influence is good for his career – which will eventually benefit both their careers.
Somehow. He hasn't figured out the details on that one yet.
But, unfortunately, he hadn't taken into account that what they do on Valentine's Day every year constituted a date. It's an epic blunder on his part, but there's little to nothing he can do about it now.
"I'm sorry, Kurt. I'll make it up to you the minute I get home. But I need my tuxedo!"
"Too bad. Because I'm wearing it."
Blaine's eyes open wide. "You're what!?" He suddenly forgets the people around him, forgets to keep quiet. "You're wearing … Kurt! We're not even the same size!"
"True. I haven't buttoned any of the buttons or zipped the fly. But I don't need it to be my size for what I have in mind."
Kurt's voice slides deeper, and Blaine can't decide if it sounds seductive … or devious. Blaine may not be Kurt's favorite person at the moment, but he'd never take his aggressions out on a designer tuxedo, especially not a Gucci tuxedo.
So could it be the former?
"Wh-what do you have in mind?"
"Well, since you're not here for our Valentine's non-date date, I've decided to pretend you are. I've already eaten dinner, so I'm skipping to the end. I've got your laptop open to Frat Boy Physicals …"
"I thought you loathed Frat Boy Physicals," Blaine points out.
"Considering all the sex we're not having lately because of June's stupid scheduled events, I've grown quite the appreciation."
"I didn't … I didn't know that," Blaine says, his throat dry.
"A-ha. Anyway, I've got a glass of white wine, a humongous bottle of lube ..." Blaine hears Kurt shifting, sitting either on the sofa or the bed, making himself comfortable "… and I'm settling in for a nice long evening of seducing myself."
"Uh …" Blaine squeaks, wrapping his mind around that image. "Wait … wait a minute … do you mean to tell me you're drinking wine, watching porn, and masturbating … in my thousand dollar Gucci tuxedo?"
"Yup." Kurt pops the 'p' at the end like he's popping gum. "But don't worry. I won't get it messy or anything. I'm going to wear a condom. But if all else fails, I've got towels and a Tide pen and …" Kurt hears the deafening thud of Blaine possibly dropping his phone on a marble floor. After the scratchy fumble that accompanies him picking it up again comes the definite sound of running footsteps, along with pleas of, "Let me through! Let me through! This is an emergency!" Car horns follow, and random people screaming, "Hey! Watch it! You're going to get yourself killed!"
Kurt sits straight up. "Blaine? Are you alright!? Are you still there!?"
"Yeah!" Blaine answers, winded. "Yeah, I'm here. I'm … taxi! I need … I need a taxi!"
Kurt listens intently as the rest unfolds.
"Blaine? Honey?" It's June's voice, distant but clear … and firm. "Where are you going!? We're leaving in five minutes!"
"I'm sorry, June! It's an emergency! Something important … uh … came up! What does it take to get a taxi in this city!?"