The snow was finally melting away, thank the lord. But that just meant there was ice and slush everywhere which made it difficult for me and my giant, almost full term stomach. I finally had to have all of my jeans altered to have that ugly elastic band in them, which was part of my Christmas present. Along with some books about art, pencils, paint, canvases, sketchbooks, and pamphlets for various art schools. All from my mom. I cried when she gave them to me and hugged her, we hadn't talked much since our argument but after Christmas, we were inseparable. Glass got ice skating equipment so I took her to practice and watched her free skate, she was getting really good. I sketched a lot and read tons of books over winter break, but I found myself calling Lexa more and more. We had them come to a doctors appointment and she gave me this CD she made with all sorts of weird music on it. But when the ultrasound tech dumped the goo and started rolling around, Lexa was on her phone, Costia was staring at the screen in awe. It just made me feel weird seeing one of them so dedicated already and one so uninterested. I boiled it down to nerves and work for Lexa, but Costia was so excited she told me she was decorating the baby's room. She'd shown me some pictures of it, it was this really nice yellow, and the furniture was white, crib was on one side with a blank wall while the changing table wall had various animals dancing around on it. It was perfect. But perfection can only last so long. My back felt like it was breaking, none of my clothes fit at all, and I was waddling instead of walking. Every task felt too challenging, even sitting down or driving. I couldn't ride my bike to school anymore I had to get dropped off at the front. It annoyed me to no end. I felt childish whenever it happened, but the worst part about this part was the stares. All of them judging me, and everyone had a stupid comment to make now that I was huge. Cautionary whale, Penguin, Boulder, Tubs. It was endless, and to make it worse, I hadn't spoken to Bellamy since that night. Even when one of his friends made fun of me, or snickered when I walked past. Like I was right now, with my head up but my gaze focused at the end of the hall.
"Did you hear it's your kid?" Someone whispered to Bellamy.
"Yeah I did." He replied, I could feel his eyes on me, so I stole a look. The baby began kicking with all of it's force, making me stop and take a deep breath, my hand drifted to my stomach to rub it and make little one stop. His dark eyes glared at me, his face was unreadable, I couldn't tell if he was mad or sad or indifferent. I dropped my gaze to my shoes quickly and waddled over to the payphones at the end of the hall. Only one person seemed to get my frustrations lately even though they weren't always 100% there. They just got me somehow. So I dialed the number on my mind.
"Groundling residence." Lexa answered. I smiled and sighed with relief.
"Hey so I listened to that weird CD you gave me, it was pretty good."
"Pretty good? I carefully organized and compiled the best music from the 1960's-90's and burned it to that little disc." She scoffed.
"Ok it was amazing. What are you up to?" I asked. I just needed a distraction, but all I could think about was the look Bellamy gave me, the baby kicked me again.
"Working on a jingle for some juice company. Totally boring over here. How's school?"
"It's um...it's fine I guess. Your future child keeps kicking and it's distracting me from my work but other than that it's fine." I replied.
"Why don't you stop by today? I have a surprise for you." Lexa said, I could tell she was smiling on her side.
"Ok, sounds good." I smiled. We hung up after that and I headed to chemistry, I sat at the back and avoided teaming up with Bellamy during lab.
Lunch came soon enough, Raven met me outside of the cafeteria and they went to grab trays. Raven got a ham and cheese with some juice and chips, while I being the piggy now, got lime jello, pizza, fries, a burger, a large drink, chips, a pretzel, and a pickle. I never really understood why pregnant women always ate pickles, now I did. The baby craves them 24/7.
"How long has it been now? You look about ready to pop." The lunch lady asked.
"It's been 17 years now thanks for asking." I said. We found our favorite spot in the hall and got situated, Raven picking at her food while I dug in. Something was on Raven's mind, something she wasn't telling me.
"So how is Mr. Collins?" I asked taking a sip of my coke. She sighed.
"He's married. Guess I should've known." She shrugged. I reached over and held her hand.
"I'm sorry Raven. But he was also a teacher, what'd you hope for?" I asked. She looked up at me and gave me a lopsided smile.
"I don't know maybe I should just go for guys my age. Ones that won't get arrested for being with their student if anything happened." She laughed. I laughed too until hers slowed down and eventually stopped.
"That's not it is it?" I asked suspiciously. She shook her head.
"No...Monty told me Blake is going to prom with Echo Spears." She mumbled. I scoffed. He told me he wasn't even interested in her! That she smelled like soup and was mean. I had only suggested her because the moment between us was so awkward, I never...I never thought he'd actually go for it. Unless he was doing it to piss me off. Until I talked to him, I couldn't believe it.
"Monty told me during third. Apparently he's going with a few guys from track goo, they're all going to grab dinner at the DropShip, and then prom, and then they're staying at Murphy's parents cabin." She shrugged. I could tell that it hurt her to tell me this, so I nodded and thanked her before getting up.
"I can't believe it. He told me he didn't even like her, that she smelled like soup."
"Oh my god she does! I went to her birthday party in fourth grade, the whole place reeks of Campbell's can of desperation." Raven joked, trying to make me feel better. It wasn't working. I could feel the jello chunks rise in my throat, tears started to form in my eyes but I shoved them down. The bell rang, making her jump.
"I gotta go." I said. Raven gave me a sad smile as if to apologize.
"I'll call you later." She said. I nodded and headed off to art class. My mind was still reeling from what she said even halfway through figures. Echo was in this class so I stole a peek at her. Sure she had a nice bone structure and pretty hair...maybe her eyes were a gorgeous amber color and she was captain of the martial arts club and she was awesome in debate...but she was...she had...oh hell. I had nothing on her. Echo suddenly looked up and caught me staring at her, she flash a look of disgust at me before turning her head back to her work. Her stink eye was like a knife in my chest. We had to present our figure drawings to the class and that's when I saw a crack in her armor. She couldn't even draw a stick figure.
He was at his locker. He was at his locker! I tried to gather the courage to bite his head off, but I decided not to. Well until Echo brushed past me and knocked her shoulder into mine. Bitch. I waddled as determined as I could right over to my former best friend turned traitor.
"Are you truly and honestly going to prom with Echo Spears?" I demanded. He was still looking in his locker not even acknowledging me.
"Well?"
"Oh hi Clarke I didn't see you there." He mumbled.
"Answer me Bellamy!" I snapped.
"Yes. I'm going with her and a few guys from track. We're grabbing dinner and then going to Murphy's parents cabin. Are you satisfied?" He replied, whipping his head towards me. He was angry and it was obvious he was doing this to get back at me.
"No actually I'm not. What the hell?"
"You're mad why are you mad?" He rolled his eyes.
"I'm not mad. I'm in a great mood are you kidding?" I snapped, my voice kept getting louder and louder. This wasn't going to be pretty.
"Despite the fact that I'm in a fat suit I can't take off, and despite the fact that almost everyone is talking behind my back, and despite the fact that your little girlfriend gave me the stink eye during art class-"
"She's not my girlfriend. And I doubt she gave you the stink eye, you're just being irrational right now." He retorted.
"Well whatever I'm sure you and soupy sales will have a real bitching time at prom because you know what? I can think of a bunch of cooler things than going to prom with you. I might just...I might pumice my feet, or go with Marcus to the nail salon to check up on their wax supply, or get hit with a truck full of hot garbage juice. Because all of those things would be exponentially cooler than going to the prom with you." I shouted. Bellamy looked as if I had slapped him, and honestly it felt as if I had. My stomach tightened once I had realized how childish I was being but I felt as if I had no choice. He had been ignoring me and talking about me behind my back. He had to be. Everyone was.
"You're being really immature right now. And I don't know why I'm still talking to you. I'm the one who should be mad at you." He yelled, slamming his locker shut.
"Why? Because I had sex with you and didn't want to marry you?"
"No because you left me Clarke! We had sex and then you just disappeared! Did you ever consider that maybe you hurt me? And do you have any idea what people say about me and you? About what's happening?" A tear slipped down his cheek, I felt numb though. Why did I do this? Why do I stuff it up all of the time?
"Are you ashamed of what we did? Of me? Because at least the evidence isn't under your sweater. I'm a planet." I cried. My eyes burned as I struggled to hold all of my tears back, my throat ached because I wasn't breathing nearly enough. Bellamy's face softened, he knew I didn't, or rather refused to, cry. He could tell when I was about to break, claimed my nostrils flared and my eyes turned red, my cheeks would appear as if I was blushing. I reached down and picked up my bag.
"Let me help you with that." He said, reaching for the bag.
"What's another ten pounds?" I growled. I adjusted my bag and walked away from him. I left him again. This time it was consciously leaving, and it hurt like hell.
The drive seemed to go by super fast, probably because I was still angry with Bellamy, but I was also excited about whatever surprise Lexa had for me. When I pulled up to her home I quickly applied some lip balm and got out, Lexa was waiting with the door open as I headed up the driveway.
"Welcome. Welcome." She called, smiling.
"Is Costia here?" I asked, Lexa shook her head.
"No she has some meetings today until 5."
"Oh, ok." I mumbled. Lexa took my hand and guided me down the hall to an open door that revealed stairs going down.
"You're not shoving me down these are you?" I joked.
"Nope, your surprise is down here." She laughed. I took my time with the stairs because my balance was off with this baby. Once she reached the bottom, she took in the surroundings. The light was dim and there were haphazard boxes packed with cool things like CDs, comic books, and other unnecessary things any family would stuff in their garage or storage. There was a CD player on a table near a black leather couch.
"Is this the baby's room? I love it!" Clarke laughed. Lexa thrust a small book at her, it was covered in plastic.
"I found this in my comic books last night. I thought of you." She smiled. I took it and read the cover.
"The Most Fruitful Anya? Is this a pregnant superhero!?" I asked. This was one of the most amazing things I had ever seen, it actually almost made me forget my fight with Bellamy. But thinking about it made my heart constrict, I still felt so bad about it. I don't know if I could even make it up to him.
"Yeah it is, Anya is a total badass. I got that in Japan when I toured a bit with my band back in the day." Lexa sat down on the black couch and rested her feet.
"This makes me feel like less of a fat dork." I laughed.
"You aren't a dork." Lexa rolled her eyes. I glanced at the CDs and popped one into the player. The first song on it was slow and sweet, something I needed to calm myself down further. Maybe even forget today.
"This song is older than I am." Lexa announce, I turned and looked at her.
"Oh please." I scoffed. She laughed and stood up.
"Oh yeah, I danced to this at my senior prom." She said.
"Really now? Who'd you dance with?"
"Nia Kween. She was an awesome dance partner." She recalled. I noticed her glance at me in a way I had wished Bellamy did, but for some reason I blushed when she did. It was different with Lexa for some reason, I didn't have to talk about the things going on in my life, she just appreciated the company, she would just hang out and listen to music, sometimes she'd vent about Costia, how she felt she was being held back. I just thought it was weird of her to complain because they seemed like they were in love.
"Have you ever been to a dance Clarke?" she asked suddenly.
"Dances aren't really my style anymore." I responded shrugging. Lexa walked over to her and took her hand.
"Here's how we did it back in my day." Lexa giggled. She grabbed my hands and placed it around her neck, then rested her hands on my hips and pulled me as close as the belly would allow. Then we started to sway back and forth while the music played softly in the background.
"Very lame as you can see." She smiled. I looked up at her and grinned like a fool. This didn't feel right though, that conversation about relationships I'd had...argued...with my mom about came flooding back into my mind but for some reason I didn't stop.
"Dances are for nerds and squares." I mumbled, resting my head on her shoulder. She brought a hand up to my head and held me closer. It was peaceful for a while.
"I'm leaving Costia." She whispered. I snapped my head back.
"What!?" I shouted. Lexa looked confused.
"It's been brewing for awhile Clarke, I can't pretend anymore. I've been planning this." She said. She acted like this didn't matter, like her decision wouldn't affect me or the baby. I jumped away from her as if she had burned me. Which in a sense she had.
"But you're supposed to take care of this."
"I thought you'd be cool with this?" Lexa asked. She gave me a look that I didn't like too much. One that had a promise of something more that I had never asked for.
"But...you guys were...this was supposed to be perfect. You guys were supposed to be solid and not broken and shitty like everyone else's family." I yelled. Lexa rolled her eyes and sighed as if I was stupid or naive.
"Look I'll have the baby and you guys will be so happy. This thing will make it all better." I tried. I could feel my heart rate go up, the baby was moving around which made me feel nauseous. Or was that just the situations fault.
"A baby won't fix this Clarke. I was never even sure I wanted to be a mother in the first place." She retorted.
"But you're old!" Lexa looked hurt by that statement.
"Is that how you think of me? Then why are you over here?" She demanded. I honestly didn't know how to respond. Of course she knew I had a slight crush but the reality is I was just happy to be a piece of furniture in their weird home for a while.
"Because I wanted to make sure you two were going to love my baby. Clearly you won't." I snarled.
"This is what my life has become Clarke. My stuff is in boxes, I have a room for my things and a basement. This isn't living this is..." She trailed off and began to stare into space, she sat down on the couch again and folded her hands in her lap.
"Don't divorce Costia please. I will do anything just please do that for me. Stay with her." I begged. She just shook her head slowly. I scoffed at her and stormed up the stairs, Costia was on her way in with groceries and more baby supplies. I couldn't bear to look at her in fear that I would start crying, and not even a little bit, like a good hard ugly cry that only one person could fix. He was the only person who could possibly fix any of this and I screwed it up. I just had to be with him, but why did I ignore him? Why was I so scared to be in a relationship with Bellamy? This was all my fault. All my fault.
"Clarke sweetie what's wrong?" Costia asked, she rushed over to me and put an arm around me.
"Nothing I'm fine." I choked out. A tear slipped down my face giving me away.
"No you're not you're crying." She said. Lexa came bounding up the stairs and noticed us. She looked like she had just swallowed something bitter.
"What did you do?" Costia demanded. Lexa shrugged.
"Hormones probably? Just apart of the process right Clarke?" She looked at me as if I was going to help her out of this. I gave her a look of disgust as another tear escaped.
"Why don't you tell her what you just told me." I yelled. I clutched onto Costia as if she were my mother, she rubbed her hand up and down my back to calm me.
"Tell me what?" She demanded. Costia shook but she didn't back down, her back was straight and her determination was palpable.
"This just...it all happened so fast and I don't think that this life is for me anymore. I don't love you anymore Costia. I put the ad in the penny saver and she called a week later." Lexa stood there looking so spaced out and confused, but she was ugly now. Caught in her lies, in her betrayal to both me and Costia.
"She answered our prayers." Costia responded softly. She let me go and approached Lexa with a steely look in her eyes, she'd always been so warm and comforting to be around. Like her mother had been to her when she was a little girl, but even without a child in her home or in her arms Costia still radiated that pure, unfiltered, unconditional love.
"I'm just not sure if we're prepared for this." Lexa mumbled.
"Of course we are we've read the books, taken classes, the nursery is finished and is waiting for our child."
"I'm not ready." I bolted as soon as she said that and headed towards the door, my bag was on the ground so I reached for it, Costia rushed after me trying to say that it was normal to get cold feet and that Lexa would change her mind once she held their baby.
"This has been a ticking clock. And you know it." Lexa said. She sounded like a robot. Cold and unfeeling. It almost broke my heart for Costia who didn't deserve any of this. Once my tears started they wouldn't stop, it was like there was a faucet just pouring them out. All of my feelings had been bottled up for eight months. I stared at my shoes while Costia ripped into Lexa.
"You're such a child, wanting to run off and form a band when you have a responsibility. That's what you do you selfish...you just run off when things are too tough for you. But guess what? This is happening." Costia yelled. But Lexa wasn't listening, her eyes were glazed over. The air was sticky with disappointment and resentment, like after all this time...everything they'd done was over. I took that moment of silence between them to run out of the door and to the safety of the van, Costia ran out behind me calling for me while Lexa stayed planted in the foyer. I shoved the keys into the car and drove off as fast as possible. I couldn't hold it in for much longer the months of regret, guilt, all of the arguments and emotional upheavals. I thought of Bellamy and my dad and my relationship with my mom, how horrible I had been to her. How much I missed my father and how angry I was at my mom for moving on so quickly when really she deserved to be happy. I was sobbing at that point and had to pull over on the side of the road. There wasn't any stopping me now, I let it all out, I cried and cried, my face was soaking wet. I wanted to scream but I just sat there holding my stomach as if to protect the baby inside from the horrors of the world. My gut felt like it was wrenched open and spilled onto the ground, my heart was shattered. And it was all my fault. There had to be a way to fix it...there just had to. I pulled myself together as best I could and drove halfway home, stopping for a snack and a small slushee. I sipped it on the hood of the van and stared at the sky, summer was on its way, but winter was having a hard one letting go. Just like me. Costia must've thought this roadblock changed my mind. I had to let her know it didn't. But I didn't know how. I didn't know what was going to happen if I didn't. The best thing I could do was leave her a note. Lucky for me there was a bill page my step dad had left in the backseat, I grabbed a sharpie from my bag and wrote the words I knew she needed. So I scribbled them down and sped over to their home again. I ran up to their door as fast as possible and taped it to their door.
"I'm still in if you are."
The words echoed in my head, I knew she'd be devastated if I had changed my mind. But I hadn't and I was still willing to give this baby to her. If anyone on this Earth deserved a child it was her. She needed this baby just as much as I needed her to take it. It wasn't fair to either of us if Lexa ruined this. I rang her doorbell and ran back to the van as fast as possible. They were probably discussing the argument from earlier, maybe even discussing their impending divorce. I had hope that they would work everything out but the odds were not in my favor. I hopped into the van and started it, before I could zoom off the door to the house opened, Lexa picked up the note first and looked confused, Costia snatched it out of her hands and read it, when she looked up I gassed it and sped home. The familiar streetlight in front of my home came into view, I slowed down and parked carefully, I climbed out and took note that the sprinklers had just turned off. The ground was wet, and the purple bellflower plant had bloomed miraculously. It never blossomed after dad passed away. It was one of his favorite flowers, Bellamy liked them too. Said it was because of the Bell in the name. I took a deep sniff of it and relished the scent, sweet, and simple, I drifted it across my belly, allowing baby to have a smell too. It felt nice. Moms car was parked in the driveway, so there was something positive, I needed a talk and hug from her. She would know what to do. Well I mean with Bellamy, she'd know what advice to give me. So I opened the door and headed to the kitchen, where I knew she'd be having a cup of tea and re-reading Grey's Anatomy like it was the latest gossip column in a magazine. I waddled into the kitchen and just like I predicted, there she was.
"Hey sweetie." She said, he nose was buried in her book.
"Hey mom." I mumbled, opening the fridge not really to find anything to eat but to just get the confidence to ask her what I should do. It took me a second before I shut the fridge and looked at her.
"What happened?" She asked, her book was closed on the table. It was obvious she'd been staring at me for a while.
"Just dealing with things way above my level of maturity and age. Where's Marcus and Glass?" I mumbled. I sat down at the table and put my head in my hands and let the tears fall again.
"He took her to ice skating me what's wrong sweetheart." She said, she reached over the table to take my hands, she pushed my chin up to look at her. When she saw my face, hers fell as she realized the extent of my issues. Like she could see everything I had just gone through.
"It's just so hard mom. I tried so hard to be normal with this baby. I tried so hard but I ruined everything." I cried.
"I'm sure you didn't, but I can't help you unless I know exactly what's wrong." She said, she got up and moved closer to me, taking me in her arms.
"Lexa and Costia are separating. I destroyed my relationship with Bellamy, and I can't...I can't even tell him what's happening. I don't even know him anymore everything's changed since it happened. Nothing's the same."
"Honey that happens when this kind of thing happens."
"Mom I said some horrible things to him, he's never going to forgive me. And all I want to do is just tell him everything all of the time. I miss him. I miss being near him and hanging out. I miss playing guitar with him and then pigging out on the tub of ice cream we always keep. I miss everything about him." I sobbed. She rocked me and hummed the lullaby my dad sang to me whenever I had a bad dream, I hadn't even realized she knew it since it was his and I's secret. But of course he told her, they told each other everything. They were the definition of true love, I hadn't ever seen them argue.
"Clarke, you need to tell him just that. Let him know how you feel. Tell him everything that's been happening."
"What if he won't listen?"
"He will listen because he misses you too Clarke. He loves you too." She said. He loves me? Since when did he love me?
"How do you think people stay together? With everything bad that happened to you, how can you be so full of hope? And love for Marcus I mean… how do you stay happy with another person? I feel like I'm just losing faith with everything."
"Oh Clarke. It's never easy, I've obviously made mistakes in life, some that should've cost me and your father's relationship but we stuck it out until the end. Even if it was too soon. I still love him very much and I'm proud to say he's your dad and my late husband. But I've been with Marcus now for almost eleven years and we're both extremely happy together." I nodded at what she was saying. It made sense, of course I had never witnessed my mother do anything to jeopardize her marriage with my father but maybe that was because they were good at hiding it. Or rather working it out. Maybe there still was hope for me. For Bellamy.
"The best thing you can do is find someone who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, pregnant. Or whatever the case, the right person will still think the world of you. To them the sun shines out of your ass and that is the kind of person worth sticking with." She finished
"Thanks mom." I sniffled. She smiled at me and gave me a much needed hug. I held onto her for a while until I figured out a game plan. What could I could do to make up for what I had said, and for avoiding him. Then it hit me. I had to call Raven immediately and get her ass over to my place as quickly as she could. So I broke free of my mom and began to run to my room to call. Before I reached the stairs I turned and looked at her. She sat there and looked at me as if she were proud for once. Proud of me even though I had royally screwed up my life and almost screwed up everyone else's.
"Give him hell sweetheart. But no dating in your condition. Wait until after the baby is born." She winked. I laughed and ran up the stairs, wondering if all of this movement would induce labor. But I had to push that thought away and get Raven here now. I flopped onto my bed and grabbed the hamburger phone and dialed her number fast.
"Pick up. Pick up. Pick UP!" I yelled impatiently.
"Helloooo." Raven said.
"Get here fast." I demanded.
"What if I'm busy right now?" She said. Raven was distracted and that was highly unusual. She was always working on some sort of project or writing for her blog, she was always in motion.
"Raven this is important. I wouldn't have called if it wasn't just get over here as fast as possible." I tried to sound more desperate than I was, even though I knew she'd book it even if this matter wasn't of the utmost importance. I needed to execute my apology plan.
"Fine. Zeke? I gotta go, we'll hang out later." I hear her mumble. Zeke? Who was Zeke? Why didn't she tell me about this mysterious person.
"Raven who's Zeke?" I asked.
"I'll tell you about it when I get to yours don't worry." I could tell she was rolling her eyes. I grinned because I knew exactly what was going on. She was hanging out with a guy which was a good sign, she was getting over her weird school girl crush on Mr. Collins and moving towards people her age. Oh this was amazing news! Finally I didn't need to hear her pine over a married teacher who would likely be fired if he was caught with a student and possibly arrested. The plan was foolproof, he'd know exactly who had done it and he'd come and try to talk to me. Unless he didn't because he hated my guts.
"I'm leaving now." She said. Her line went dead, I clicked mine off and paced, again I prayed that all of this movement would not induce my eight month baby into labor. Though these days I wondered...when would that day be? My due date was in a few weeks and with each day the thought grew fainter and fainter in my head. I hadn't even mentioned that day to Bellamy. It was his kid too but it also...it wasn't either one of ours. Whatever, I just need to focus on what I'm about to do to apologize, and hopefully there were nurseries open all over town. A honk sounded outside, Raven was was here! I ran down the stairs, careful to not trip, and bounded out the door.
"Get me to all of the places that sell flowers." I said breathlessly. Raven started laughing as hard as she could, it was infectious so i joined in. It almost took me out of my own head.
Moment of truth, Raven had hyped me up for this, I knew what to say, I knew what to do. We had executed the plan flawlessly. We could be professional prankers if we wanted. But that's not important, what's important is talking to Bellamy. He was at track practice right now, in winter the shorts had been exchanged for track pants but now...the damn shorts were back and it made me grossed out yet again. Raven was off to the side, helping one of her friends, Harper, coach a cheer routine so she could spy on me. I took a few deep breaths before heading over to the stinky, red, polyurethane track where he was running with a few of his buddies. They all began whispering as I approached the field, then booked it when I made it to the track. Bellamy almost ran by me, I saw the hesitation, but he stopped.
"Hi." He said, it was like the old Bellamy was standing in front of me yet again. My awkward, wonderful, nerdy Bellamy who loved guitar, and running, and had an unusual obsession with mythology and ancient Rome. My best friend.
"Hey." I replied. He shifted from foot to foot, not knowing what to say.
"So...did you like, fill up my mailbox and yard with those bellflowers?" He asked, he gave me a sly grin knowing his answer. I nodded.
"I just wanted you to have a reminder of everything we've been through. Good and bad." I mumbled.
"Hey well my moms pretty jazzed, she's going to grow a bellflower bush or two in the backyard...and front yard. And she has floral arrangements for the house now so…" He trailed. I decided to just let it out.
"Look, Bellamy, I'm really sorry for what I said. I was out of line and I was just being...a huge bitch and you don't deserve that. I'm so sorry." I said.
"It's ok Clarke. You don't have to apologize, it was my fault too. I should've known that this was going to be worse for you than it was for me and I left you alone. I let you do this alone instead of stepping up like I should have." He said. He pulled me in for a hug, one of the ones we used to do when the other was sad. A nice tight bear hug, but it was all kinds of awkward with this baby between us. Our baby. We stayed like that for awhile, just swaying with each other, taking one another in. He had gotten broader, more muscular, but he was still the same nerd I knew and loved. When we pulled away I stared into his eyes a bit.
"Also there's one more thing." I said. He cocked his head to the side.
"I think I'm in love with you." I blurted.
"Like...like as in friends?" He asked, his adams apple jerked.
"No like for real. Because you're the coolest person I know and you don't even have to try-"
"I try really hard actually." He cut in, I giggled.
"And you're just...you're so smart, and it comes natural to you like everything else, and you're different than everyone else, you don't look at my stomach you look at my face. And whenever I see you...the baby begins to kick really hard." I said. His eyes brightened up when I told him that and he began to smile.
"Really?" He asked. Instead of answering, I took his hand and placed it onto my stomach where he'd feel our kid kicking and moving nonstop. It was as if it were jumping for joy, doing backflips, excited to feel it's father. The pain and discomfort I usually felt with it disappeared for once.
"I think it's because my heart starts pounding really hard when I see you." I whispered.
"Mine too." He replied.
"That's all I could ask for." I said, a tear slipped down my cheek. His eyes widened as he saw it. I never cried but I was doing so much of it the last few days. He brought his hand to my face and gently wiped it away, but he left his hand there. I let myself sink into his hand and closed my eyes. I sighed happily. I opened my eyes and saw him staring intently at me, as if I was the most wonderful thing he'd ever lay eyes on. I surged up, he leaned down, and our lips met in the middle. My hands made their way up to his neck, his down to my waist as we kissed. My heart was soaring, the world around us melted away so it was just us two on the field.
"You know, you can go into early labor sucking face like that!" Raven shouted. I let one hand leave him to flip her off while I continued to kiss him. He smiled and laughed lightly on my lips before returning. Everything was back to normal but at the same time everything was different. I finally had my best friend back and then some.
I felt some cramping about two weeks later, it wasn't bad or anything just like a pinch in my stomach. I dismissed it was my imagination. But then it happened again but this time it was a little more intense. So I decided to get up and walk around a bit, saying hi to my little sister on the way downstairs. She followed me saying she wanted to show me a cool new trick she learned at her ice skating class so I lay on the couch and rubbed my stomach while she did her tricks. One involved jumping and spinning, the other was a Russian split, she kept going and going. While she did that, the pain got worse and worse.
"Mom!" I called.
"What Clarke?" She yelled from upstairs. I stood up and bit back some of the pain.
"Mom I think it's time!" I yelled. A commotion broke out upstairs, I could practically see Marcus grabbing the bags, my mom calling the hospital while pulling on her boots, but Glass stood these just staring at me confused.
"Baby time." I said to her. Her eyes widened and she screamed running upstairs. I could hear muffled yells while I winced my way to grab the car keys, I opened the front door and headed to the car, helping myself get in. With each step the pain felt so much worse. Not long after I sat down they all clambered out of the house totally unprepared, even though we had spent so long getting ready for this day. I laughed at them but stopped as another contraction hit me. Glass stood on the front steps while our parents rushed to the car and got in, when they noticed her the cried her name and got out and put her in her car seat. Mom sat in the back with her while Marcus sped to the hospital, I called Raven and left a message to let her know what was up. But I didn't call Bellamy. He had a big track meet today that was insanely important for his future and college and I just couldn't jeopardize that. Maybe once I knew the meet was over I'd call.
"Mom are they supposed to hurt this bad?" I asked. Cold sweat began to form on my head as another contraction stabbed me.
"Oh yes honey. Just focus on your breathing and we'll get an epidural as soon as possible. Dr. Jackson assured me you're going to be taken care of." She said. Of course she's using her friend as my delivery doctor. Wasn't that a conflict of interest though? Oh who cares. I tried to focus on breathing, but every sharp turn and heavy brake brought more pain.
"Marcus please for the love of god just speed through the red lights." I snapped. He gave me a hurt look but it turned to amusement as he saw my face which I'm sure was contorted with pain. I just didn't care. We arrived at the hospital and they loaded me into a wheelchair, Raven had just pulled up and stormed out of her car, her ponytail was a mess and her shirt was on backwards.
"Clarke!" She called. I looked towards her as they wheeled me inside, she ran up as fast as possible and took the wheelchair into her own hands and rushed me inside, we hit an IV stand and started laughing.
"Raven calm down." My mom scolded. She blushed and apologized quickly, she was just nervous like us all. Mom got me checked it fast, and carted me off to my delivery room where we struggled immensely with getting my street clothes off and hospital gown on.
"Ow is fuckity ow!" I whined, I was pacing back and forth holding my lower back. No one told me this pain was going to be like a hot metal band tightening on my stomach and lower body.
"Clarke get in bed and settle down." My mom sighed.
"And watch your language." Raven mock scolded. I rolled my eyes and continued my pace, only stopping to grab the wall when the pain got too intense.
"When is that doctor giving me my epidural?" I planted.
"He's on his way."
"God what's taking so long." I asked frustrated.
"Sweetheart, obstetricians are sadists who enjoy playing god once in a while. You're going to be fine." She explained. Just hearing that made me even more frustrated, and with it another tight snap. I groaned.
"Can we get the damn epidural in here!?" My mom yelled into the hall. Dr. Jackson came rushing in with an anesthesiologist and gave me a shot in the back as soon as I lay down on my hospital bed. It helped for a bit but then it was time to grit down and push this thing out so my painless bliss only helped for what felt like seconds. I'm not going to lie to you, childbirth hurts like hell. It's as if your body is ripping in half as you try not to let everything out onto the table. And I do mean everything. I screamed, and held my mom and Raven's hand, I cried as I pushed and pushed. Jackson was doing a great job keeping us all in check, he kept telling me what a great job I was doing. Raven kept telling me how strong I was being and how brave she thought I was. Mom kept whispering how proud she was to be my mother and to see me being so strong. But I just wanted this little thing out of me. And then when I felt I couldn't take it anymore, it was here. He was there. The birth only lasted a few hours, I came in the morning and by the time Costia's baby arrived, the sun was low in the sky. My body was exhausted, I was drenched in sweat that was slowly drying, I realized at that moment I should call Bellamy finally. But I held off, my mom was brushing my hair with her fingers as I lay on my side, I smiled softly. It had been years since she had done this...it felt so nice. Bellamy appeared in the doorway all of sudden, he stood there in his track uniform, red tank top with bright gold shorts. He was breathing heavily as if he'd just run here, sweat glistened on his forehead and neck.
"Nice shorts." I mumbled. He just stared at me, my mom kissed my forehead then got up to leave us, she touched his shoulder and whispered something to him before she left the room. I reached for him, he practically floated to my bed and climbed in behind me, wrapping an arm around my waist. I held onto him and let the tears fall from my eyes. Everything was amazing at this time, he kissed the back of my head and neck as we lay there in a comfortable silence, the afternoon light fading into dusk. Costia didn't come into the room, my mom advised against it and encouraged her to hold her son. Bellamy and I decided we didn't want to see the baby, he didn't feel like ours, he was always hers. There was no one else on this earth who oculd love that baby boy as much as her. Though I'd never see them again, I knew that it was ok, that I would be ok. It didn't hurt to let him go, it wasn't as hard as I thought it'd be. My mom said I might change my mind about the adoption, I think she wanted him to be her grandbaby after all but, I didn't change my mind. Costia left it open for us to visit, even though it was a closed adoption, however I figured if he wanted to seek us out in the future, he could. But we wouldn't hold our breath. It was ok if he never did. We lay until our eyes drifted shut.
"I love you Clarke." He whispered drowsily.
"I love you too Bellamy." I mumbled.
It ended with a chair.
Costia sat with her son on her bed, giving him small kisses, she'd swaddled him in a soft yellow blanket. Lexa had moved to an apartment in the city, she had cut her out of her life completely, it wa for the best. Her heart still hurt when she thought of all the good times they had, but their relationship had died years ago over the crushing reality of two people wanting different things. When she went to go put him down for the night she glanced at the lovely rocking chair her grandmother had given her as a present. Then she glanced up at the single most important thing she'll ever own. Clarke's note. There was no possible way in this life that she'd be able to thank that little girl for everything she had done for her. She kissed her son goodnight and turned the light off, noticing the nightlight casting stars on the ceiling.